Over the next year, Mikasa grew. And grew. And grew. I was told it was only about nine months or so, but to me it's felt like a year, and the longest, bleakest year of my life at that. I didn't think a woman would grow so much in having a child, but she did.
When she was somewhere between looking like she held a cantaloupe and a watermelon under her shirt, there was an afternoon when everyone gathered in the mess hall - her in a chair, Jean kneeling oh-so faithfully by her side, and the rest remaining in the castle surrounding her. I'd been 'woken' from the nap I was pretending to take and dragged up the stairs by an ever-enthusiastic Sasha, gushing, "The baby's kicking!" The only thing I can remember thinking is, "Babies know how to kick?"
Mikasa's eyes were the size of the moon as she sat in that chair, staring down at her protruding belly and cradling it between her hands. Her dark eyes reflected something between confusion, fear, and awe. Every once in awhile she'd gasp and her hand would fly to a different area of the lump and her eyes would get even bigger; there was a point where I thought they'd get so wide her eyeballs would pop out of her head and land right in her lap.
Everyone got a turn placing their hands on her stomach and waiting, waiting until they felt what I could only assume to be a little nudge coming from the inside. After Sasha had stood up from her third turn, Mikasa finally looked up, her eyes immediately landing on me. I stiffened just before she beckoned me forward with a wave of her hand. I had only a second to consider turning and running before all eyes found me and I was more than obligated to take a tentative step forward.
Without a word, Mikasa took one of my hands and placed it right to the center of her stomach. While the rest of my body was frozen, I could feel my heart hammering in my ribs and heat creeping up my neck to my ears. The world seemed to stand still for a moment before I felt that tiny stirring beneath my palm. Life.
My face must've given me away, because she smiled up at me a little, and in that smile was more happiness than I'd seen in years. Jean, too, had a dopey grin on that horse face of his and lightly smacked my shoulder. "Amazing, isn't it?" he asked.
"Humanity's tiniest soldier," Hanji joked from directly behind me.
"Mm, nah, no matter how small that thing is, I think Levi was still smaller," Connie added.
Light chuckles erupted around the group, but the only thing I wanted to do was puke and I high-tailed it out of there as fast as I could. That was the day I realized I'm the only one who isn't at peace with his death.
* * *
And one freezing winter's night several months later, Rory was born. I'd been wrapped in a blanket, sitting on the floor of the dining hall near one of the large windows watching snow fall in soft, delicate flakes with a cup of steaming tea held between my palms just before sunset when Armin gave me the news.
"Mikasa's in labor," he called softly from the doorway.
"What?" I mumbled.
"She's having the baby," he clarified, shuffling in my direction.
"Oh," I mumbled, turning back to my window, where the moisture of a small cloud of fog from my breath clung to the glass.
"What's the matter?" Armin asked, sinking to the floor at the other end of the window.
"Nothing."
"You can talk to me about it, you know."
"It's Levi's birthday." I took a quick sip of my tea - bland, almost tasteless, never the way he used to make it - to try and hide the pain just saying his name caused me.
"It is, isn't it?" he sighed. When I said nothing, he continued, "It's been almost two years and you're still mourning."
I remained silent. What was I supposed to say? 'Yeah, Armin, because I was in love with him and he promised never to leave me and then he did and now I'm empty'? Ha, good one.
"We all miss him, Eren. You know that. But we've all learned to make our peace with it. I know you were closer to him, but it's still not good for you to hold onto all of that grief."
Still quiet, I stared blankly out my window, trying to count the snowflakes and working as best I could to keep my face emotionless. Eventually, he stood back up. "You should come meet the baby," were his parting words.
I did go meet the baby, and it was just as Hanji was carrying a heap of bloodied sheets from the infirmary. There was so much blood on them, fear shot through me, but they gave me a reassuring smile and told me everyone was fine.
The baby was...creepy-looking, with a squished up, chubby face. He was the tiniest human I'd ever seen, with a swirl of dark hair and pink, pink lips.
Mikasa's tired face lit up a bit when she saw me shuffle into the room, still wrapped in my blanket. The only other people in the room were a medic I didn't recognize across the room cleaning up and Jean, asleep and snoring annoyingly on the bed next to her.
"Hey," she said sleepily; I shuffled toward her and took a seat at the edge of the chair next to her bed.
"Hey," I responded quietly. "H-how're you doing?"
"Okay. Tired." She gazed lovingly down at the infant. "But happy." She yawned. "What about you?"
"I'm fine." But that was, and has pretty much always been, my answer to that question. I expected her to pry to make sure I was telling the truth like she usually does, but she merely hummed and looked back down at her baby, eyelids drooping. "Does it have a name?"
"His name is Rory," she said.
"Hm...where'd you come up with that?"
"Jean thought of it."
My eyes flickered over to said person. "So...you just had a kid, but he's sleeping?" I muttered, jerking my chin in Jean's direction.
She glanced over at the snoring oaf, with his cheek smushed into the pillow and his hair a mess, like he'd simply plopped on the bed and fell asleep instantly. Probably had.
"He's been up for almost an entire day," she said. "I don't really mind."
I hummed, pulling my blanket tighter around me. My gaze fell back on the infant, sleeping just like his horse-faced father. "So I guess Connie can stop with the pony jokes now," I said, forcing a bit of amusement into my tone. Mikasa only rolled her eyes.
He could stop with the pony jokes, and Jean could stop grinding his knuckles into the top of his shaved head and giving him bruises whenever thought one up. For ex-soldiers of the Survey Corps and young adults, they sure acted like children. Though, I always figured it was simply the bliss of freedom everyone seemed to have, something that I of all people lack.
"So...what happens now?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Sleep," Mikasa mumbled as the medic from across the room strolled over and took the baby from her arms, placing him in a small basket-like thing between the beds. The medic said her farewells before exiting the infirmary.
"Yeah...but I mean..." My voice was suddenly thick; I attempted to swallow past it with no avail. "Are you gonna move out?"
She shifted onto her side, gazing sleepily at me. "Mhm. Once we find the right house we are. It's something you should think about doing, too."
I could only nod. Move where? Do what? I didn't know. Still don't. That day a loneliness greater than the one I'd already been feeling had settled over and hadn't lifted since. And it's been two years...
Two months after Rory was born, they moved from the castle and found a fairly large house in Trost. I remember Jean saying over and over how he wanted to move outside the walls but they were unable to because we hadn't expanded that far yet.
Sasha and Connie followed soon after, finding a similar house in the same area together. They were 'just friends' as they continued to say over and over to a castle full of people who weren't buying it.
Several others followed in their tracks, as if Jean and Mikasa were the ones to break the ice and the uneasiness of leaving, like they expected to hear news of more titans trampling our way any day. The last titan sighting, though, was nearly four years ago. We're safe. And they decided to make lives for themselves.
That left four. Erwin, who's still on military business with the Garrison regiment in maintaining the walls and working on rebuilding humanity. Hanji, who's doing their absolute best to research the origin of titans and study them as best they can with what little scientific evidence they had left. Armin, who's helping both Hanji and Erwin, using his brilliant brain for things I regret to say I haven't paid much attention to.
And myself, who does little more than sleep, draw, and avoid therapy appointments. I'll visit Mikasa on occasion, but it's usually with Armin who generally has to talk me into it. Rory's bigger every time we make an appearance, learning to hold his own bottle and then graduating to eating mushy foods, sitting up without support and then crawling, holding himself up on his feet using furniture or the nearest leg, and then beginning to walk. His hair grew out, thick and black just like Mikasa's, until it was a fluff over his head that was forced to get trimmed. He's the most innocent thing I've ever seen, and I'd be lying if I said I don't fall for the little pumpkin a little more every time I see him.
* * *
In two years, I've been through three sketchbooks, most of which suffer the fate of having most of its pages torn out, folded into airplanes, and sent soaring over the wall and to the outside world with a different drawing. Some pages remained; I have to have some things to show Thomas. Why I continue to sneak up to the top of Wall Maria several times a week like those stupid pieces of paper reach him, I don't know. All I can say is it's become routine, that it's the only purpose my life really has anymore...
* * *
Presently, I'm sitting down to breakfast with Armin--well, breakfast for him; all I have is tea; I eat very little anymore--in the mess hall. His hair hangs around his shoulders, a bit of stubble peppering his chin. I often find myself looking at him in disbelief at how much he's grown up since the days Mikasa and I had to rescue him from bullies, or when his wit saved me several times in the past.
"We're planning a trip," he announces before digging into his first bite.
"What kind of trip?"
"A trip beyond the walls for the first time since the titans went extinct." I flinch - the word titan still strikes anger and fear inside my PTSD-ridden brain. Armin's eyes sparkle as he continues. "It's an expedition of sorts, but this time it'll be to discover things we've never seen."
"Like what?" Surprisingly, I have a considerable amount of interest in this.
"Like seeing what civilization was like before they appeared. Or, at least, what's left of what we think is there. And to find out how big the world really is, if our small minds are even capable of comprehending such enormity." He pauses to take another bite, takes a swig of milk, and trains those excited sky blue eyes right on me. "But our ultimate goal is to find the ocean."
Ocean. A foggy memory rushes forward, back from the days when we were fuller of life and hope despite the situation we lived in. Mikasa, Armin, and myself crowded around that book about the outside world, knowing it was illegal but sneaking around with it anyway, our youthful eyes fascinated by the fantasies held within the pages.
"Eren?" Armin's asking, waving his hand a few inches in front of my face. I blink a few times, focusing back in. "Are you up for it?"
Am I? I don't know. The only time I ever really leave HQ anymore is to venture to my spot on the wall, draw, throw a plane, and talk out loud like a fucking lunatic. Every time I do, though, I gaze out across the fields to where the sky blends into the earth, the golden rays of the sun kissing the land goodnight before the stars dot in one by one, and I think about what could possibly be there, where the sun finds its resting spot until the next morning. The ocean? Perhaps.
"Yeah," I find myself saying, even smiling a little. "Sure."
Armin beams. "Great!" Shovels another bite in, like he's in a hurry to get back to his research and whatnot.
"When?"
"We still have things to prepare, but within the next month."
I nod thoughtfully. This should be good...I hope.
* * *
Eren awoke to quaking and something warm against his back. He peeled his eyes open to the darkness of Levi's room with nothing but the wall in front of him as he was curled up on his right side.
Mumbling sleepily a bit, he stretched out his legs and craned his neck around to see what seemed to be clinging to his back only to find Levi in a cold sweat, one hand curled around Eren's shirt in a vice-like fist and his face contorted into a mask of pain and fear - trapped in a nightmare.
Hastily, Eren rolled over, causing the fist to release. He immediately took Levi's face between his palms, massaging little circles into his cheekbones with his thumbs in an attempt to free him from the terror. After a long moment of this, gray eyes snapped open and in seeing a face so close to his own, jerked back instinctively with a strangled gasp. Eren quickly recoiled.
Heart hammering and hands shaking, Levi pushed himself to sit up. Eren only watched, a lump forming in his throat, waiting as Levi sent a hand across his face and ran it through his hair.
"You had a nightmare," Eren finally spoke up in a soft voice.
"Yeah," breathed the older. No sarcastic comment. No scowl. Just a "yeah". The brunette reached out and took gentle hold of Levi's hand.
"Wanna talk about it?" he offered, brow furrowed in concern. He could just barely make out Levi's features in the dim light leaking through the thin curtains covering the window.
"No."
"Come here," Eren coaxed, tugging on the hand a bit.
"I...shouldn't, Eren."
He tugged again, persistent. "Maybe it'll help."
Levi's head swiveled in his direction. "I don't remember much of it," he mumbled in a rough voice. "Just...fear. And pain." His voice dropped.
Another tug and he finally moved toward the younger, leaning forward to press his forehead against the strong chest in front of him, resting his hands at Eren's thighs while hands began to rub his shoulders.
"I hate this life," Levi whispered after a while. Eren slid his arms around the man's shoulders, saying nothing. 'Me too,' he could've said, but Levi already knew that.
He leaned back against the headboard, pulling the other along with him and letting his tired eyes fall closed. He did not sleep, but listened to his superior's soft breaths, counting them, feeling them brush softly across his collarbone. The brush of air made his skin tingle; Levi's warmth pressed against his side leaving butterflies dancing in his stomach. As tired as he was, it was amazing the man could cause such a profound reaction in him, especially after a nightmare...
"Levi?" he murmured into the darkness.
"Hm?"
"R-remember...when you kissed me, and you said you did it because you wanted to?" The words were just a breath.
"Hmph, how could I forget that?" the older mumbled, shifting his weight a bit in such a way that he was pressed even closer to Eren's side.
Eren forced a light chuckle. "Yeah, it's just...I wish I had known what I was doing when you did that."
Levi shifted again, this time tilting his head back to peer up at the teen through narrow eyes that only made out his silhouette. "What are you saying?"
Eren gulped audibly. Levi's hand was suddenly hot on his thigh, and he swore he could suddenly feel every curve, dip, and crevice of the man's muscular body against his. "I don't know," he practically squeaked.
Levi blew air out of his nose in an amused huff. He sat up a bit, tilting his chin in Eren's direction as he squinted to see more of the brunette's features. His brilliant green irises managed to reflect the dim starlight from the window when he turned to face the raven directly.
"Do you want a second chance?" he murmured. His heart picked up the pace at the mere thought of feeling Eren's soft lips against his own again. Though the last time barely counted due to Eren's freezing up, it still sent a thrill down his spine. He couldn't imagine what actually kissing him might feel like. He swiped his tongue between his own lips in anticipation.
"I-I don't know," the teen muttered again, his voice edgy with nervousness.
Levi sighed and relaxed again. "Well if you do, let me know," he breathed. Lifted a hand and ran it through his hair once more, suppressing his disappointment. It was silly, he thought, wanting something so trivial such as a kiss, especially after having said he shouldn't have gotten so close to the kid in the first place.
'Whatever,' he thought, shutting his eyes and crossing his arms. He knew he wasn't going to get any more sleep, not after the nightmare Eren pulled him out of, but he figured it couldn't hurt to try, and push the fruitless fantasies out of his mind...
He felt the bed shift and Eren's heat move away. Pictured the kid laying back down, tucking his arm beneath his head and curling his legs up like he always did. Flexed his jaw muscles a few times, the disappointment thickening as he resisted the urge to sigh again through his nose.
And then he felt the warm air brush over his lips, nose, and cheeks, subtly scented like the mint toothpaste distributed to everyone in the corps...
His eyes snapped open a split second before a pair of soft lips collided with his. The second between then and the one in which his mind processed what was happening seemed more like ten minutes, and they were both still throughout the entirety of it.
Before Eren could move away - Levi knew he would if they remained so still any longer - he pressed their mouths closer together, shutting his eyes once more, and sliding a hand to the back of Eren's neck to pull him closer. He could feel Eren's hesitance and uncertainty, but he didn't let it stop them. He guided Eren through it, not really knowing himself what he was doing, but let his instincts guide him.
When they did pull apart, Eren's hands were shaking. He curled them into fists and pulled them back into his lap.
"I..."
"Shh." Levi rested his forehead against Eren's. A minute passed with nothing more than the sound of breathing.
"C-can we do that again?" Eren whispered.
Despite a voice in the back of his mind screaming 'this is wrong!', Levi couldn't argue with the request and pulled Eren in again, this time with more vigor and emotion. A dangerous amount, at that. More than he should've let himself ever feel in such a fucked up world.
Eren's hands found his waist as Levi let his arms snake up around the other's neck. He was practically straddling Eren now, fingers tangled through his hair and chests pressed together.
"Shit," Levi muttered after breaking contact of their lips.
"What?" Eren breathed.
"I...I shouldn't have done that."
"But I did it."
"I shouldn't have let you."
"How come?"
Gray eyes flickered to green ones. The sun was rising, swallowing the darkness of the room bit by bit with every second ticking by. Eren's flushed caramel skin and plump lips were much more visible now. Levi could feel the off-tempo beating of their hearts between them.
"Because..." He began pulling himself back, as much as he didn't want to. "If I lost you, it would kill me."
Eren's thought process stopped short, the miniscule bit of panic that had been rising up in his gut morphing into something he couldn't explain and exploding, traveling to the very ends of his fingertips and toes. For a moment, he seemed to forget how to speak.
Levi's gaze, once steady, fell as he broke all contact with the boy. "I hate it," he muttered again. "But the closer we get, the more it will hurt if something happens to you." Swung his legs over the side of the bed, stood up, pushed the curtains open. Dim gray light flooded in; Eren's eyes were glued to the headboard in front of him at the space Levi had just occupied.
"Then...why do you let me in every night I come up here?" He took a deep breath. "And why have you come to the basement? Why did you kiss me that night?" The questions started pouring out. "Why did you kiss me now? Why have you been the one to pull me out of my titan when we've been testing it? Why did you promise to stay, and why did you take it upon yourself to change my bandages while my hands needed them?" By the end, he was out of breath and his voice was tremulous.
Levi was silent for a long minute. And then finally: "Pulling you out of your titan is part of my job, and so is making sure you're healthy and safe. That's also why I bandaged you."
"But that doesn't tell me why you promised to stay!" His voice rose unintentionally, his desperate eyes tearing from the headboard to the man near the window.
"Shh!" Levi snapped. Arms crossed, shoulders squared. Stubborn. But he didn't have an answer.
"It's not fair," Eren muttered. "You do all of that...make me feel like I'm important to you in a way that's more than just being your subordinate, and then suddenly you change your mind."
"You are important to me." The words were barely intelligible. "But the fact is that chances are one of us is going to die out there. If I get any closer to you..." He shook his head. "I don't want to take that risk."
"It doesn't matter, Levi." Eren's voice was pleading now. "Even if we go out there tomorrow, or they break in again and one of us gets killed, or if we manage to defeat them and stay this close, we're going to die someday anyway...so I don't...I don't understand why we can't take that risk." His voice broke with the emotion building up in his chest.
More silence. Eren was preparing to stand up and leave without another word. He'd made it to the end of the bed and placed his feet on the floor by the time Levi said anything.
"You're right," he murmured. Eren looked back to find Levi turned halfway around, eyes trained on the floor and arms still crossed.
And then Eren did stand up. He strode soundlessly over to the shorter man, biting his lip, and reached a hesitant hand toward him. They ended up in each others' arms, holding tight as they dared, Eren's head dipped with Levi's face pressed into his shoulder the way it had been in that building those months ago.
"If anything happens to you..." he mumbled into the fabric of Eren's shirt.
"I can't promise it won't," he whispered back.
"I know. I can't either."
"But...I'll stay as long as I can."
"Sure you won't regret this?"
"Are you?"
"...yeah. I am."
"Me too."
---
Well, not the best chapter I've ever written, ha. I know this fic is kind of slow-moving right now, but I promise it'll pick up. I have interesting things planned. There is still planning to do (remember when I said this is gonna kinda be a surprise to me, too? lol) but I'm pretty excited for what's to come.
Also, sorry if Hanji's pronouns get mixed up...I honestly forgot what I originally was using so if I put "she" earlier and then "they" later, it's because I was too lazy to go back and look xD But I'll be referring to them as "they" from now on, so yeah. :)