I ran to the river. I felt blood running down my arms and coating my hands. Ma's blood had dried on my face. I was hopeless and lost. I was confused and I couldn't comprehend what was happening to me. I wanted to clean my hands. I wanted to get rid of the blood. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
Either that, or I wanted to die.
When I reached the river, I fell to my knees. I felt the sting as my already-cut knees were reopened and started bleeding again. What was a little more blood? What could possibly be worse than what I had already done?
My mind was in shambles. Everything seemed fragmented and my vision was blurry. The only smell that clung to me was that of blood. Ceseth had let me go in the forest and we had stood there for a moment before I began to run. Not back to Tane, no. I couldn't go back. I had promised him I'd stay. There was nothing left there for me other than bodies and guilt.
And blood.
God, so much blood.
I shoved my hands into the ice cold water. It gave me a shock and for a second I teetered, on the verge of passing out. I watched as the blood that was caked on my hands started to drift off when I vigorously rubbed them. I rubbed them so hard it hurt, so hard I wasn't sure if the blood that was coming off was old or if I'd rubbed the skin so hard it had broken.
I splashed the water on my face, still so cold it took a moment to gather my wits.
The water ran down my face and neck and fell in little red droplets into the water. Bloodied water carried itself down the stream and I watched it, wanting nothing more than to join it and everything it stood for: pain, destruction, death.
I looked into the water, and it hit me.
I can't swim.
Years ago, I had been afraid of dying, even though I had wanted it, long ago. I had thought numerous times about "falling" off the deck of the tree house. I had wondered what it would be like to fall and land, whether or not I'd die immediately or if I'd spend my last few minutes in excruciating pain... just like Tane.
I looked forward and looked at my reflection in the water.
You're a killer. You broke the biggest promise you ever made. You kill your friends.
Was this the kind of life I wanted to live?
The answer was simple.
No.
I closed my eyes and centered myself for a moment. The river wasn't deep, but at the deepest point my feet could only barely touch the ground. If I went out there and just...
It could work.
I got to my feet, wobbly at first. The water was frigid, unbearably so. But I wouldn't have to endure it much longer.
I waded into the river until my toes were just barely touching the ground.
I had promised Tane that I would swim with him one day.
But he was dead.
And soon, I would be too.
Would he forgive me, someday?
I closed my eyes again, shivering, but this time, not from fear. I was just freezing.
I took a step forward and my eyes shot open. The moment the water closed over my head everything in me screamed to move back to where I could stand – it wasn't too far away, I could make it. But my heart told me to stay, told me to take what I deserved, told me to go through with what I wanted. Unintentionally my mouth opened and water rushed into my mouth. I curled underwater as water filled my lungs. I tried coughing, but it only brought in more water.
The edges of my vision started blurring. My heart worked overtime, and each time it pounded it shook my ribcage. Despite my desire to succumb to the darkness, I struggled. I breached the surface once before darkness took me over. I was freezing. I could barely move. The water number me from top to bottom. My lungs burned. My vision faded.
And I was lost.
~*&*~
I smiled as Tane jumped into the river's deepest part. He breached the surface and spat some water out of his mouth before turning to look at me.
"I wish you'd swim with me," he said, and I shrugged my response.
"The water's cold," I complained, sticking my toe into the water. "Brrr."
"It's not that bad," Tane said. "You get used to it after a while, anyways. Come on, get in!"
"I don't really want to, Tane. It's cold. I don't like being cold."
"I'll keep you warm," Tane said, swimming into a part of the river where he could stand up. The water just barely reached his shoulders. As an inch or two shorter than Tane, I would have to be even closer to the shore to be able to stand comfortably.
"Tane..."
"Come on. You promised you would."
"I said 'one day,'" I corrected him. "I never said when I'd do it."
"Well now is the perfect time. Come on," Tane said. He looked like a puppy when he begged.
"I don't have swimwear," I fought.
"Just keep your clothes on."
"But then they'll be wet."
"But they'll dry."
"Dad will get mad at me."
"I'm sure he won't."
"You don't know him very well," I stated, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Well, come swim, and then I'll take you home, and we can dry your clothes outside, eat some soup, and Mother will let you wear something of hers while your clothes dry."
The idea was appealing. Minus the whole part of having to get into the water first. I could stay in the shallow end...
"Fine," I said finally. "I'll swim with you."
Reluctantly, I got to my feet and started to walk into the water. My pants started soaking up the water and I instantly felt the uncomfortable weight dragging me down. My feet stepped slowly and carefully. Tane looked at me oddly, like he was concerned.
"I guess you really don't like the water, do you?" Tane said. "I feel a little bad for making you get in, now."
"It's okay," I said with an uncertain smile. "I'll live."
I got into the water until it was up to my waist, holding my arms close to me and shuddering a bit.
"It'll get warmer once you get your head wet, I promise."
"I, uh..."
"Come on, Jae. It won't take long. Just get your head wet!" He pulled me closer to him and my feet slid from their comfortably solid position on the ground beneath me. I let out a startled cry and fell forward until my head fell under the water. I took in a breath of the clear water and started coughing. My eyes burned, my lungs burned, and suddenly Tane's body was gone, and I was drowning.
Screaming.
I bolted upright, sucking in air. I expected to get more water in my lungs. I was surprised when I got unadulterated oxygen. My hand grasped my chest and I felt my heart beating rapidly underneath my palm. My shirt was soaked and I was freezing. I stared at the wooden floorboards and wondered how I had gotten here, wherever "here" was, but at the moment I was less concerned with that and more concerned with the fact that, somehow, I wasn't dead.
I heard running water and flinched, turning my head to find the source of the noise. Ceseth was sitting in front of a tub with steaming water. He was wet, too.
He didn't seem startled by how I had woken up. In fact, he seemed incredibly relaxed.
"Are you done?" he asked without looking at me.
"Done?" I whispered, my voice hoarse. I could still feel the rush of water through my nostrils and mouth, clogging up every airway and choking me into darkness. I shuddered at the thought. It felt so real I could've sworn it was happening to me again.
The sound of running water stopped.
"Get undressed and get in the tub. It'll warm you up." He got to his feet and nodded towards the tub. Without another word, he left the room. I felt safer when he wasn't around, especially while getting undressed and bathing. I looked at the tub and fear clenched my gut, making me hesitate. It wasn't the same as the river, I knew, but part of me feared drowning while the other half still wished I would. I wouldn't be able to die. I wouldn't be able to drown myself again, not with Ceseth so close.
Slowly I got undressed and lowered myself into the tub. I was shivering from the cold river water and the warm water in the tub felt like heaven. I sat and brought my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. The water pushed gently against me and brought back bad memories. Memories that were too close, too recent, for my personal comfort. Despite being warmed by the water, I was chilled to the bone.
Memories from the past day flashed through my head.
Pain. Suffering. Loss. Blood.
God, so much blood. Blood everywhere.
The smell of hot, metallic blood.
My head felt light and I swayed as I thought about it. I tried to push the thoughts from my mind but all I could see were Ma's lifeless eyes and Tane's broken body. I let out a cry of despair and fell backwards.
~*&*~
"That's the last time I let you bathe on your own."
My eyes fluttered open and I looked around. I saw Ceseth, and while I was suddenly afraid of my nakedness, I didn't move. My body was stuff. My head hurt. Had I hit it somewhere?
"You're a foolish creature," Ceseth said softly, almost tenderly. "This is what I feared. Guilt will drown you faster than any water ever can."
I closed my eyes. I wasn't cold anymore, but my hair was still wet. Had he dried me off? Taken me out of the tub? It made my cheeks burn just thinking about it, and I resolved to shove the thoughts from my mind as quickly as possible.
"Are you mute, now?"
I didn't open my eyes, didn't speak. My thoughts had slowed considerably. All I could think about was my regret and the sinking feeling that was encasing my chest and making it hard for me to breathe. I kept my breaths shallow, which only made me lightheaded all over again.
"Breathe," Ceseth said. "In, out. Slowly. All the way in. All the way out—no, that's too fast." He gave me an example of how to breathe. In...out...slowly. "There. There you go, like that. In, out. In, out. Slowly."
My heartbeat slowed and the pounding in my head lessened. I thanked him quietly.
"I can still smell it," I murmured.
"What?"
"It," I whispered again, opening my eyes and staring at the ceiling. I wasn't sure what room I was in, but I was on the floor, my back pressed against the hardwood. "It. It was everywhere. It was on me... it's still on me..."
"You're clean," Ceseth said. His voice made it sound like he understood a little more now, but he didn't say what I was thinking. It.
"On the outside, maybe," I said, staring harder at the ceiling, half praying an angel of death would come, take me, and damn me to hell. It's where I was going, where Ceseth was carving my tombstone for. He was reserving for me a special place in hell, where I betted I would be suffering for the rest of my afterlife, dreaming of Tane and Ma and the seas of blood. My stomach roiled and I gagged at the thought.
"You're clean," Ceseth said. "I promise."
"You're a liar." I whispered, tilting my head to look at him. "The worst kind."
Ceseth didn't say anything for a moment, and I hoped he was going to leave me alone. I heard him sigh, and for a split second I wondered what he was thinking about. He had never tried to defend himself against harsh things I called him or accused him of being, but most of the time he rolled his eyes and gave me a look that said "you really don't know what you're talking about." Most of the time, he was right. I was just trying to make myself feel better by labeling him as the worse person. Maybe this time was different because he knew it was true.
"I'm going to teach you how to swim," he said at last.
"No," I muttered. "I don't want to learn."
"You have to," Ceseth said, his voice a bit harsher now. "I can't have you drowning or passing out in bathtubs anymore."
"I don't care."
"Well, I do," Ceseth said. I heard him stand up and start walking away. "You'll learn how to swim, Jae'sa. You'll learn not to drown in water, or your guilt. It'll take some time, but you'll get there eventually." Ceseth opened the door and walked out.
I sat up and looked down. I was wrapped in a towel. Tenderly I brought my hand up to touch the back of my head, which was sore and achy. I didn't have a terrible headache, but I supposed it could come later on. I sighed. There was nothing I could do about it now.
Getting to my feet, I moved over to my bed. Why Ceseth hadn't laid me in the bed was beyond me. But I laid down on it and immediately closed my eyes. My heart and head were heavy and I didn't feel well—my stomach was unsettled and I was beginning to feel the pounding of the headache I'd hoped I'd avoided. All I wanted to do was escape the world.
So I did.