A/N This is the new edited chapter one, you will notice that it is pretty much along the same lines as the original version, theres just added dialogue, it's edited, and in my opinion a whole lot better. Hopefully you'll agree ;)
P.S- Picture to the side is of Colin :)
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When I woke up the next morning I wasn’t afraid, or worried, I didn’t have a testimony to prepare or a jury to convince. I was free, and it was the best feeling in the entire world. Their voices still rang in my ears, the last words I heard before the court room erupted into sweet chaos.
“Not guilty”
After those two words everyone found theirs, everyone was talking, my mom was crying, my dad was shaking hands with the lawyer as he reminded them of the bill, and I was standing right in the middle of it all, like Moses as he parted the red sea.
And then I was being ushered into the car and taken home where a buffet of food awaited me my entire family was there in my house to congratulate me, and of course to thank God for freeing me. Of course the result was all in God’s plan, after all he was the big guy and we were just his puppets to control...except we had free will and while sometimes we’d go off track he’d always make sure we ended up exactly where we were supposed to be.
Not all of my family thought I was innocent though, there were a few who thought I was guilty and pulled me aside to whisper how proud I had made them...how I had done the right thing. But all their words of encouragement did nothing to wipe the stain of blood off my hands.
I had killed Matthew Hart, and while I didn’t regret it, I wish it hadn’t ended like that, I wish he could of made the right choice, after all God has a plan for everyone even the faggots, and I know there is a path somewhere out there that he was supposed to be on. Some place he was supposed to end up, and that place wasn’t a barbed wire fence off of a dirt road.
But I wasn’t guilty...and today I was truly free.
So when I woke up from my sleep I was excited to head to my closet and pick out y clothes for the day knowing there would no longer be suits laid out on my bed. Knowing that I could wear whatever I damn well felt like without worrying about how I would look. So I reached into my closet and pulled out a pair of skinnies, a white button up shirt, and a black tie that I tied loosely around my neck. I finished it off with a pair of vans and a wooden cross that I put on every single day.
...and as usual, the cross felt heavy around my neck, like a weight had been tied to it forever pulling me down. I had confessed this to my priest once, and he told me it was the burden of my faith that God placed upon all his followers, and that it was an honour that I be allowed to bear it.
After I was dressed I left the room and headed towards the stairs, I didn’t bother checking my reflection in the full length mirror, today I didn’t care how I looked, today it didn’t matter.
When I got to the bottom I was smiling...and starving, like any guy I liked my food and could pack quite a lot of it into my flat muscled stomach. My mom was in the kitchen the smell of pancakes wafting towards me as she flipped the pan, pouring in more batter as she cooked.
She looked so focused as she cooked, labouring over the hot stove, I loved my mom. I also loved sneaking up on her, so I tip toed lightly into the room careful not to make a sound on the linoleum floor. Once I was behind her, I positioned my hands on either side of her waist and then poked her right in the spot that always made her squeal.
“Colin!” She screamed turning around an expression of anger on her face...it was only pretend, she loved me. I was laughing my head off at this point, but she was looking around confused “Colin?” she questioned.
“Sorry, Mom” I apologized, as she resumed cooking after having shrugged her shoulders. Something was off though...you know how sometimes you’ll be watching a show online and the audio won’t match the visual? That was like this...it was like what I did didn’t match what she was saying. But it was still morning; everyone’s a little off in the morning’s right?
After a few minutes of standing like an idiot, I took a seat at the table awaiting the delicious pancakes, syrup and butter were already out and I was hungrier than before.
“Colin!” my mom called finally signalling that she was done....food was ready.
“Yum” I mumbled waiting for her to deposit the lovely food onto my empty plate. But she just remained standing where she was. “...Mom...? Do you want help or something?” I asked helpfully, but she didn’t reply.
“Colin!” she called again. “Breakfast is ready!”...duh, I already knew that.
“I know Mom, that’s why I’m here”
She looked really impatient this morning, maybe the trial had been keeping her up. “Colin! Hurry up, you’re breakfast is getting cold!” she yelled again, her voice aimed towards the stairs. Was she blind? I was right here! Or was this punishment for when I snuck up on her?
Maybe I had to get the food...I hear people do that, so I got up from the chair that I had been sitting in and went over to the stove myself, shovelling out a pancake onto my awaiting plate. My mom screamed, finally turning to look at me...but it was like she couldn’t see me...it was like...no it couldn’t be.
“Colin!” She cried again, as she rushed up the stairs I could hear her voice from down here but I chose to follow anyways. “Colin!” She called again, muttering “that stupid boy” under her breath as she opened the door to my room. “Colin! This had better not be another one of your jokes!” She screamed, looking around the room frantically, checking the closet and even under the bed...what was she looking for?
“Colin!” She cried frantically dropping to her knees as tears began to spill uncontrollably from her eyes. I walked up behind her, not knowing what was going on...maybe she was having a mental breakdown?
...The last few months hadn’t exactly been easy on anyone...”mom?” I whispered as I placed my hands gently on her shoulders. But she didn’t say a single thing just kept on crying muttering “where is my baby?” under her breath.
Was she talking about Emily?
Emily was the name of my sister, my mom had gotten pregnant two years ago and was nine months pregnant, her water broke and everything, but when she delivered the baby...it was dead. Still born was what they called it, she had cried for weeks...maybe...maybe the trial had caused her to remember Emily and get upset again.
It was Matthew’s fault...he was a faggot, and he didn’t understand how wrong that was, he didn’t want to be cured! He didn’t want God! And he died because of it...but his disease was still infecting the town, his choices were still ruining my life!
“Mom...it’s going to be okay, do you want me to call dad?” I asked soothingly, but she only cried harder. I hugged her shaking body to me; my head laid out on her back...the mirror was right across from me, and the mirror I had chosen to walk by this morning after getting dressed.
...it showed a reflection of my mom crying on her knees, in an empty room. I wasn’t there...I wasn’t there...
It was like I was invisible.
I stared at the mirror beginning to panic...it couldn’t be true, but here I was holding my mom in my arms and she didn’t even realize it, there was no recognition in her face, she was completely ignoring me...but it wasn’t on purpose. She couldn’t see me...she couldn’t see me...she couldn’t see me....
Was she the only one? I wondered as I staggered to my feet the shock beginning to thaw as the numbness faded, realization slamming into me like a brick wall.
Was she the only one? I had to check as I ran out of my child home and down the street I had walked a thousand times.
The first person I saw was Mr. Rogers, the town mail man, he delivered letters by hand to each house, said that the funky postal services screw everything up. I ran up to him noting the lack of surprise in his eyes.
“Hey Mr. Rogers” I greeted stopping to walk by his side...he gave no reply. “How’s the weather?” I continued...still nothing. I began to dance in front of him...I looked like I was having a seizure but he gave no reply. I started to talk about the Yankees the team he absolutely hated, usually he’d freak out on me, but instead he just kept walking.
I frowned, giving up, when I saw Mrs. Bloomsburg in her front yard tending to her garden. She was a mean old lady always wrapped up in one of her knit shawls...she hated me, and loved her flowers. She was always warning us teenagers to stay away from them. She once tried to sue someone for cutting off the heads of her petunias.
“Good Morning Mrs. Bloomsburg” I greeted and just like with Mr. Rogers there was no reply, so I went to plan B and began to step all over her flower garden...but there was only silence, she didn’t yell or scream at me...she didn’t see me at all.
It was like the whole town had been enveloped in some kind of magic spell, leaving me unaffected and invisible to everyone else. It was frustrating....I just didn’t get it.
I didn’t understand...and I was afraid, I was afraid that I had become invisible to God too, but the cross was still heavy around my neck reminding me of my faith.
I continued to walk around, except this time when I saw someone I knew, I didn’t go up to them, and I didn’t act crazy or do things to get me noticed, I just walked and walked all alone in the world. Eventually I came to the school where all my friends were rushing in to get to their classes, and there at the top of the steps right outside the doors was my best friend Joey waiting for me. I smiled, figures that even when the bell had rung he’d wait for me to show up...problem was I wasn’t going to.
But I walked up the steps anyways, to go and stand by his side, like those guardian angels do...maybe unlike my mom he’d feel me by his side and know I hadn’t left him. At least...that is what I hoped for.
But instead when I walked up those steps, he smiled and punched me in my arm. “Dude, I’ve been waiting here for forever!” he chastised
I gaped at him in shock “You can see me?” I asked dumbly.
“Uh...Dude...you’re kinda standing right in front of me” he stated.
What the Hell?
“Okay...uh...what am I wearing?” I inquired, needing to know for sure, I just didn’t understand, I mean why could he see me and not my mom or anyone else for that matter?
“Dude what up with you?” He countered confused.
“Just answer the question” I demanded.
“Okay” he agreed looking me over...something flashed in his eyes but quickly it went away “You’re wearing tight black skinnies, the pair that you bought after you wore your other ones out, a white button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up...you like it because you think it makes you look chic, and you have on a loose black tie the one your Dad gave you on your 7th birthday because he said you had become a man” he answered including every little detail behind the pieces...he remembered everything...at least everything that had to do with me.
But if he could see me, which obviously he could, that meant that something had happened to everyone else...I just didn’t know what that was...until I remembered the dream I had last night.
The dream, I had dismissed it as soon as I awoke, after all it couldn’t be true, it was too crazy, too insane, it just couldn’t be...and I prayed to God it wasn’t.
...but I had to know.
I took in a breath; Joey was looking at me again with worry in his eyes completing ignoring the fact that he was now beyond late for class.
It couldn’t be true.
“Joey...” I began summoning all the courage I had in me “Are you...” here goes nothing “are you gay?”
“Jesus Colin! What’s up with you today?” he questioned for the second time...but he hadn’t answered my question.
“Just...just answer me okay? Please?” I begged, and I don’t know whether it was the vulnerability I was showing or the desperate note in my voice...but this time he answered.
“No...No I’m not” only the answer was a struggle the words painful for him to say...all of it a lie and he knew I knew it. We had been friends since we were in diapers, and we weren’t always known for our honesty, we were trouble makers, always wreaking havoc, but when it came to each other, there were no secrets...there was no lying. Or at least...that was what I had thought.
“You’re lying...” I whispered.
“How did you know?” he says in turn, looking away from me “How did you know?” he repeated when I fail to answer.
My best friend was gay. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it...around any of it; it was all a little crazy...too crazy.
“I don’t know if this is the place to talk about it” I said eventually....my best friend was gay, how could this have happened?
It had to be Matthew he was the only other faggot in this town, and he was always going around shoving it down people’s throats, forcing us to acknowledge it, he belonged in the closet like every other dirty secret! But instead he had run about this town proclaiming what he was...it was as though he were actually proud to be a fucking faggot...to be gay. It was no wonder that Joey had caught it.
“Then let’s go back to my place, I already missed first period” he suggested.
“Uh...” I stuttered...I didn’t really want to be alone with him....
“I’m gay, Colin, not a rapist, so you can be alone in a room with me”
“Don’t say that! You aren’t gay...we can get you help...get rid of it!” I proclaimed.
“Colin, this isn’t a choice, or a disease that I caught, I’m gay....” he said sadly.
“It was Matthew wasn’t it? He converted you didn’t he?” I yelled angrily...but I was angrier than I should have been...like that night.
“Damn it Colin, no one converted me! You aren’t made gay, you’re born gay...and no one can change what you are born...unless you’re Michael Jackson...but look, I’m still the same guy, I’m still you’re best friend” he assured...but how could he be so certain? Was he telling me that the guy I knew wasn’t really him? That everything I had based our friendship upon was a lie?
“How can you say that? You’re gay!”
“Yes I am! And this is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you about it, because I knew you’d react like this, because you always do! You hate gays I get it, you beat one to fucking death, but I am you’re best friend! And if you can’t accept me....then go fuck yourself!” He screamed, and I noticed that his eyes were watering and that there was a slight catch in his voice when he spoke...I was hurting him.
“Well...I can’t exactly do the latter can I? Because...well...that would make me a faggot” I teased lightly. He smiled, his eyes flashing like before.
That was when Mr. Gins came through the school doors his belly protruding over his belt “Who are you talking to Joey?” he questioned looking around...of course he couldn’t see me, but Joey didn’t know that.
“Colin of course....I apologize if we were being disruptive” he answered confused.
Mr. Gins swallowed “Joey...son” he began gently “Colin was reported missing this morning...you aren’t talking to anybody”
“How can he be missing? He’s standing right in front of me!” Joey argued looking frantically between me and Mr. Gins.
“I assure you, there is no one there” affirmed Mr. Gins.
Joey was looking like he was about to explode “I’m invisible” I stated. He just looked at me with disbelief.
“What the hell is going on here?” He screamed. Mr. Gin looked scared, he probably thought that Joey was crazy or something...and you know what Joey probably thought he was too.
“Joey...maybe you should head home son...see a doctor” he suggested. I stifled a laugh...suddenly this had all become very amusing.
Eventually Joey calmed down and turned to look at me again breathing deeply “Okay...so if you are invisible...and I’m not going crazy...then how come I can see you and he can’t?” he asked ignoring the horror on Mr. Gins face.
“...because you’re gay...and he’s not”
He continued to look confused, puzzling over it for a moment, before accepting it...he was like this with most things, if you just gave him a few moments he’d accept just about anything...while I struggled to accept one thing.
After accepting it, he turned to Mr. Gins looking apologetic “I’m sorry Mr. Gins, I don’t know what’s wrong with me...I guess I’m in a bit of a shock really, would it be okay if I went home? I think if I slept some I’d feel a bit better” he suggested, Mr. Gin nodded enthusiastically seemingly glad to be rid of the crazy kid who was having what appeared to be a nervous breakdown.
After he left to go back to his meaningless job, me and Joey walked down the stone steps of our school and headed down the street to his house.
We walked in silence not wanting to repeat the incident with Mr. Gins with a neighbour. Eventually we arrived at his house, it was modest like all the houses in town, the paint was peeling off like most peoples and the front porch could use some repairs, but it was a nice house. We didn’t go in however, but walked around back opening the side gate and heading towards the oak tree towards the fence.
Up in the oak tree was a fairly large wooden tree house built by Joey’s dad back when we were in elementary, it still had our old flag flying from it, and a picture of skull and cross bones, and our old sign that read “No Girls Allowed” we hadn’t been here in a long time.
Reluctantly I grabbed the rickety old ladder and began to haul myself up, sitting down cross legged on the faded wood floor held in place by rusty nails. It wasn’t exactly the safest thing but it smelt familiar and felt like home.
Joey followed me up and sat across from me folding his legs under him. “So...you’re invisible?” He began hesitantly
“Looks that way” I replied
“Huh...and I can see you...because I’m gay?”
“Looks that way”
“All right then...um...do you know why you are invisible to everyone but gay people?” he questioned, but even he couldn’t hide his smile, the question was ridiculous.
But in answer to his question I did know why, I just didn’t want to say it out loud because then it would be real and I would have to face it...and I really didn’t want to. But as he sat across me patiently waiting for my reply I realized I had to tell him...he might be the only person in this town who could still see me.
So sucking up all my excuses I began to tell him about the dream...
“Last night....I had a dream” I began “...and it was the kind of dream that seems so real that when you wake up you almost have to pinch yourself to make sure that it wasn’t”
“So...what happened in this dream?” Joey asked.
“I don’t know...I was standing in this white room, with white walls that seemed to reflect the sun...yet there were no windows...it was just white...and I was dressed in white too”
“Look Dude, I may be gay, but I still don’t give a fuck about what you wear” he commented.
“Ha ha very funny now do you wanna hear about this dream or not?” I countered raising an eyebrow...he hated when I did that because he couldn’t and when he tried he looked like he had turrets.
“Yea, go on”
“Okay, so there I was standing in this white room, and suddenly it fled with light and something hit me...I think it was lightning, but it was like burning me, like acid had been injected in me and hurt, like really hurt” I stressed “I thought the pain would never end, I was screaming and I was on my knees because of it, and then suddenly there was this voice that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time...I...I think it was God” I admitted
“Of course it was God, who else could it be?” he said sarcastically.
“Look Joey I heard a voice in my dream kay? And it certainly wasn’t Mr. Gins!” I countered.
“Okay, okay...so what did this voice say?” he asked.
“I don’t really remember...there was something about needing to pay a penance...and the penance being the same life as the one I took...I didn’t really understand any of it at the time...” I confessed remembering the voice as it reverberated in my dream...it had felt so real then, so real that I dismissed it as soon as I awoke.
“Okay, well at least that’s a start, I mean the penance is obviously the invisibility thing and the life you took is of course referring to Matthew...unless you killed someone else without telling me” he remarked.
“Dude, if I ever kill someone again, I’m going to have to call you to help me move the body” I teased.
He laughed “Okay, so we know why....but what are we going to do about it? Was there anything about how to fix it?” he inquired.
I sat in silence...wondering how Joey could sit here helping me when I hated what he was, killed someone who was gay, and on a routine basis insulted faggots...how was he able to hide it so well? How come I never saw how much it hurt him?
“Colin?”
“Oh yea...sorry...what was the question?” I asked flustered.
“Was there anything about how to reverse it...in the dream?” He repeated.
“Uh...yea” I said hesitantly.
“Well...what is it?”
God, Jesus, Moses, whoever is currently up there please here my prayers...please let this all have just been a dream.
“Colin?” Joey stressed.
“I...” I began taking in deep mouthfuls of air “I...have to...have to...” I couldn’t say it...how could I be expected to say it? Oh God I was going to have to say it “I have to...make...one of....of you” I choked out, I can do this “fall....in love....with me” I finished softly.
Crickets could be heard through this silence...and then Joey began to laugh, loud and booming laughter that I swear shook the already precarious tree house. After he managed to calm himself and wipe away the tears that had formed in his eyes he repeated exactly what I had said.
“You, have to make a gay guy fall in love with you? Colin James, the biggest homophone in Grey Country?” okay...so maybe that wasn’t exactly what I had said...but it was pretty damn close.
And in the end....all I could do was nod.