I hadn't expected my life to go by as fast as it had. Years had passed and Ceseth continued to tutor me in the ways of an assassin, but he left me alone for the most part. As I grew and matured, both in body and in mind, he seemed less and less eager to teach me. I often heard him mumbling strange things under his breath, saying I was just as stubborn as my mother. I figured he knew quite a bit about my mother, since he had paid her for me. Just the way he acted cued me into the fact that he had known my mother, even if he hadn't already told me that night when he was drunk. I wish I remembered her, but I didn't. Not anymore, even though it was a scant four years ago. It seemed like an eternity had passed since I had last seen her, since I had left Liliana behind and become Jae'sa Gifuhildi.
For the most part, I didn't think about her. I had Ma and Tane, who was already several inches taller than I was. He was just as vibrant as he had been three years ago. I was enjoying watching him grow, but even more, I enjoyed growing with him. Tane was the light in my darkness. He was the only one thing that kept me human, the only one thing that kept me in touch with my emotions. Without him, I was cold and distant and cruel, detached from the world. I barely felt pain anymore, but I assumed that was because Ceseth hit me so much. I had stopped feeling about a year ago. He had struck a nerve in my lower spine and I had almost been paralyzed from the incident. He didn't hit me as much anymore, but I had lost sensation from the waist down, even though I could walk just fine. It was a miracle I had managed to survive without paralysis. We couldn't figure out how, or why, or what the healer had done. I could feel my legs enough to walk, run, jump, etcetera, but sometimes I was stiff, and when it rained, it only got worse.
Ceseth trained me harder after the incident, forcing me to be adequate even with my physical troubles. I had managed to work around the issue for the most part. I had issues walking quietly, as sometimes I couldn't tell how hard my feet were falling against the ground. Ceseth had gone to the healer even after he had looked me over and asked if there was any way to restore sensation to my legs. He said no, saying that I ought to be paralyzed, and if Ceseth had hit me a hair harder, I would have been for sure. He had told Ceseth that he would try and activate the nerves in my lower half by sticking tiny needles into my skin. I watched him do it, every time. The more he did it, the more I began to feel the tiny prick each time the needle went in, but it never hurt me. I never felt more than a prick.
After months of this "treatment," Ceseth had had enough. I could feel more than I had been able to previously and I was able to control myself better. I was as good as I was ever going to get, het old me, and I believed him. It was harder to see my worth the longer I spent with him. He liked to remind me how worthless I was, and I had begun to believe him. I wasn't sure where my worth lay.
Explaining to Tane what had happened to me was difficult. I had made a terrible lie, telling him I had been horseback riding when my horse "had reared and I had fallen off, landing on a rock." Tane believed me and babied me constantly for the next few weeks. Simultaneously I loved and hated him for it.
But now, three years later, I was back to good health (for the most part). Tane helped me exercise by making me get into the river. He didn't make me swim, and didn't really teach me, but I sat in the water, the water reaching just under my chest, and kicked my legs, as if I were swimming. It helped work up the muscles, and even though my legs still lacked much feeling, I felt stronger and more in control. I found myself eating with Tane and Ma more often than not. I had gotten into the habit of pickpocketing people, too. It was a skill Ceseth had taught me via hands-on learning. I was ashamed of how good I was at it and how easily I picked up the skill. I brought Ma and Tane money sometimes, telling them it was a portion of my "job's wages." I told them I worked in a bakery outside of town. Ma loved to hear stories about the bakery, but I told her they were all very dull and boring. I realized what a mistake I had made when Ma started to tell me about her dreams to be a baker, before she had had Tane. She had looked at Tane and kissed his forehead, saying:
"But I wouldn't change a thing now. I've got my two babies, right here with me. I'm grateful for the life I have been given."
When she had said "two babies," my heart had stopped. I had been ten at the time, and I had stopped crying a while ago at that point. But I had cried when she had embraced me and called me the "daughter she always wanted." My heart had shattered over and over as she hugged me and kissed me and asked me why I was crying. I could only stutter incoherently and tell her I loved her. She said the words back to me, which had been the worst part.
Now I was sitting on the bank of the river, skipping rocks just like Tane had taught me.
"You've gotten pretty good at that," I heard his voice and turned to look at him. He was too tall for my preference. It made me feel short, and I wasn't short, either. I was pretty sure I'd end up being taller than Ceseth one day. An advantage to me.
"Thanks," I said with a smile. He joined me and took a rock from my pile and skipped it clean across the river, from one bank to the other.
"Show-off," I mumbled, taking a rock and attempting to best him. My rock went halfway across the river before sinking. I sighed. Tane laughed.
"It's okay," Tane said, "It takes a little while to get good at it."
"How? We've been doing it for the same amount of time, haven't we?"
"Well..." Tane shuffled his feet bashfully and picked up another rock, skipping it across the river's surface in one fluid motion. "Sometimes... I come out here and sit by the river, hoping maybe you'll have some time away from your dad to come hang out."
My eyes widened as I looked at him in surprise. I had known, of course, but it was different to hear him say it out loud. "Oh."
"Yeah..." Tane looked at me and gave me a shy smile. "I like hanging out with you."
"I like hanging out with you, too," I said, too quickly.
"I hope we'll always be friends, Jae'sa," Tane said and I smiled at him.
"Yeah. Me too."
~*&*~
He was drunk again. It was unsettling and uncomfortable, but there was nothing I could do about it. Over the past year, his drinking had only gotten worse. The house was filled with empty bottles and he had gone through in an unexpected fit and thrown the poisons out of the one small window and watched as they fell to the ground. I had found an unusual number of dead animals around the trunk of the tree after that, and I couldn't help but wonder why animals ate things they weren't sure wouldn't kill them. It differentiated humans from other animals, I supposed. We as humans were smart enough not to just shove anything in our mouths. But I had to clean up the dead animals when Ceseth made me.
Now he was raving, and I was slightly scared. Most of the times his drunken stupors consisted of complete rambling and offhanded comments that made little sense. But this time, he had gone into not only a verbal fit, but a physical rampage. The house was in shambles. I had run into my room to stay away from him, hoping his anger would die down shortly after his drink was finished. I wanted to avoid as much collateral damage as possible—truthfully, I didn't want to be the collateral damage. I heard him stomping around the floor and thought if I went out there and tried to take his drink from him, that's exactly what I'd end up being.
I paused as the sounds outside my door quieted. There was an odd moment of complete silence before Ceseth came charging through the door. I let out a startled cry and shot to my feet, holding my hands out in a placating manner. His eyes were wild and his clothes disheveled. He looked like the sort of monster kids feared hid under their beds.
"Do you know what you are?" Ceseth slurred through gritted teeth. There was murder in his eyes, the likes of which I had never seen before.
"No," I whispered, taking a few steps back.
"You're nothing!" He screamed. Ceseth never raised his voice like this. "Your father is a rapist. He's the lowest kind of dirt there is. And do you know what that makes you?" He shoved me and I fell backwards, scooting until my back hit the wall. Everything inside me screamed to use my training against him, but my heart was thudding wildly and my blood ran like ice.
"Worthless."
I was caught between shock and terror, unable to move from my place against the wall.
"Do you even know what rape is?" He screamed.
I nodded. I knew. My heart was pounding so hard it made me half deaf and my chest hurt.
"It means your father forced himself on that lovely young woman," he said, getting so close to my face I could smell his breath. It wasn't pleasant, either. His eyes were wide, pupils almost completely dilated. "You worthless." He paused to bring the back of his hand across my cheek. I gave him what he wanted and screamed. "piece," he brought his hand down on the other side. I curled into a fetal position and covered my head with my hands. "of shit!" He grabbed my hair and yanked me to my feet. I pushed myself up to lessen the stress on my scalp, but I did it screaming. I lashed out at him, sloppy and untrained. He only laughed.
"You are worthless, Jae'sa," he said. His anger had seemed to die down, but his eyes still made me quake with fear. "As empty as your name. As empty as your life."
I stared at him, confused by his words. I didn't allow myself to be held captive by him any longer. I kicked my legs frantically until he finally let go of my hair. I fell to my knees, not expecting the sudden drop, audibly sucking in a breath as my knees collided with my ribs.
"You don't deserve the clothes on your back," he growled, bringing his foot against my ribs. I cried, falling onto my side and curling up again. "You don't deserve the life I'm giving you. And you sure as hell don't deserve friends."
Suddenly, the pain stopped. My heart followed suit.
I couldn't feel him as he continued to kick and curse him. I fell limp like a ragdoll, knowing exactly what he was talking about.
Tane.
In a sudden flurry of motion, I grabbed his leg and shoved him away. He stumbled back with the unexpected turn of events, but he didn't fall. I got to my feet and ran. I heard him yelling behind me, and for a while, I heard his footsteps chasing me. I felt like I was being chased by the devil, and I wasn't entirely certain that wasn't the case.
I ran into the woods, ignoring briars that caught against the bare skin of my legs. I pushed back branches, earning numerous scrapes along my arms from the speed of my frenzied escape. I tripped over a root once, falling onto my stomach with an oof. The skin of my knees broke open, but I got up and brushed myself off before continuing to run. Adrenaline pounded through my veins, from my legs to my head. I felt it pulsating through my body like the most addicting kind of drug. I didn't feel the pain at all.
My legs carried me to the river. I was immediately disheartened by seeing Tane sitting on the riverbank, skipping stones.
"Get up!" I cried. He whipped around and stared at me in confusion. He saw the lacerations and my bleeding knees and rushed over to me. He tried to speak to me but I couldn't hear him over the surge of blood in my ears. I grabbed him frantically and started pulling him away, looking over my shoulder in fear that Ceseth would be following close behind. "Home, home... We've... gotta get home."
I grabbed his hand tightly and started dragging him along behind me. I had memorized the way to his house and memories flashed through my head as we ran.
He had chased me around the big oak tree one time, and when I had fallen in a wild rosebush he'd taken care of me.
His mother had adopted me – she had said there was nothing more in the world she would love than to have a daughter as perfect as I was.
We'd kissed, on accident, at first, on that riverbank. We'd done it a few more times after that, and we couldn't have been any closer.
We stayed and watched the sunset through the canopy of the trees, laying on our backs and holding hands.
We told each other stories, both true and false, and laughed.
Oh, how much laughter we had shared.
The memories urged me to run faster. I heard Tane begging me to slow down and explain, but I didn't stop to listen to him. I wasn't sure whether or not I was imagining things, but I heard a pair of footsteps that didn't belong to either of us.
I shouldn't have run. I shouldn't have run.
I burst through the door when we arrived and Tane pulled his hand out of mine, doubling over and panting heavily.
"Get out," I pleaded. "Please, you have to go. He'll hurt you. I know he will. Please hurry!"
Ma looked from me to Tane in a way that was much too leisurely for my liking.
"Get out!" I screamed. "He's going to hurt you, don't you believe me? Please! I'm begging you!"
"Jae," Ma said, coming over to me. Tane had straightened up and was standing at a distance from me, having shut the door. I probably looked and sounded insane. "What has gotten into you?"
I hadn't realized I'd been crying until Ma's thumbs came up to brush tears out from underneath my eyes. "Please... you have to go..."
"Jae, we're fine, I promise. What happened? Tell me." Ma tried to sit me down, but I pulled away from her.
"He's going to kill you," I said. Why wouldn't she listen to me? Why wouldn't she believe me? I was trying to save her life. And Tane's. "He's going to kill you. He's going to kill you. Please..."
"Jae'sa," she said softly. "Calm down. You're safe."
I cried harder. "But you're not!"
There was a moment of inactivity.
A moment of silence.
A moment when the world around me stopped and something hot sprayed across my face.
I couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't talk.
And the world came rushing back into motion.
I heard Ma scream and stumble away from me. I heard Tane shouting for his mother and running to her. I heard something clatter to the floor. I heard daggers being unsheathed. Like that, it all made sense.
Slowly, I turned my eyes to Maresa. Her skin had paled, the sickly white-grey color of the moon, and her tan dress was covered in a rich red. From her shoulder protruded a thin piece of wood with feathers adorning the end. She was screaming, on her knees, clutching her wounded shoulder. Tane was trying to talk to her.
I whipped around to try and pinpoint Ceseth. He was striding with deadly purpose towards Ma and Tane. I lunged for him, grabbing onto his arm and pulling him off track.
"Stop!" I screamed, clutching onto him as hard as I could. "Stop!"
"Let go, you stupid brat!" Ceseth screamed back at me, shaking me until my grip loosened and I went flying. I hit the ground right on my spine and sucked in a breath, a strange, sharp pain shooting through my legs. I heard Tane screaming.
"Leave her alone! Don't hurt her!"
I wobbled to my knees and opened my mouth to say something, but all I saw was a flurry of motion. Ceseth kicked Tane to the side and in a swift, almost merciful motion, drew the knife across Ma's neck. My world jarred to a halt as I watched the light in Ma's eyes die down, a sick gurgling noise coming from her throat as she fell to the floor with a thud only death could produce.
Tane was screaming. Incoherent, shocked, tormented. I couldn't tell what he was trying to say, but I shot into action, despite how sluggish my legs felt. Ceseth stood over Ma's body with his head down, watching as the woman's blood coated the floor in a sea of red. My first reaction was to protect Tane. I had failed Ma, but I wouldn't fail him. I ran to him and used my body as a shield, flinging my arms out wide just as Ceseth whirled around with the bloodied dagger raised.
"No," I said, my voice strong despite how gelatin-like my limbs felt. I was shaking violently and all I heard was Tane's sobs behind me. My heart was screaming, wrenched in two. My stomach was roiling. The smell of metallic blood filled my nostrils. It was so overwhelming my head was starting to spin and in my vision I saw specks of black.
"This is what happens," Ceseth growled, grabbing my wrist. I managed to keep my feet rooted in place even though he tried to tug me away from protecting Tane. His eyes still shone with vibrant drunkenness, but behind the alcohol I could see he was all too aware of what he was doing. My eyes wandered to Ma, my heart jolting when I saw her eyes remained wide open, locked forever in the pain of death. I wanted to close her eyes. I needed to. They would haunt me forever. I cried out when I felt Ceseth's fist around my wrist harden; so hard I heard bones crack under the pressure. Not broken, but the pain was enough to force me into faltering. I looked at my hand and saw the bloodied dagger grasped firmly in my wrist, Ceseth's hand wrapped around mine to keep the blade there. "End this."
He spun me around to face Tane, who looked mortified. He had gotten to his feet and was shaking just as badly, if not worse, than I was.
"Run," I whispered, suddenly hoarse. "Please. I can't."
Tane simply stared at me, and then at the dagger in my hand. His mouth open and he let out a sob that shattered my heart even further. I understood. I had just lost a mother for the second time. The pain was fresh in my chest, but he had watched his mother die before his eyes. At the very least, the mother I had once known was still out there, alive. Tane had no one, just like me. I didn't want Tane to be just like me. I wanted him to be free.
Ceseth grabbed my elbow and forced my hand forward so the dagger pointed shakily at Tane. I didn't drop the dagger, fearing it would be more danger in Ceseth's hands than my own. I could see the unspoken question in Tane's eyes, asking me why I didn't drop it and run. I wanted to run away with him, I truly did. But the lot life had given me wasn't going to let me go that easily. I prayed that for him, it would be different.
"Do it," Ceseth said, his breath against my ear. I felt something sharp and pointed touch my vertebrae and I stiffened. "Kill him, or I'll kill you."
The sudden calm that washed over me was terrifying.
Kill him, or I'll kill you.
I'll kill you.
Did Ceseth know what mercy he was showing me? How badly I had wanted him to kill me? How long I had wanted him to kill me? I closed my eyes and took in a shaky breath. Everything inside of me that had been raging in fire had suddenly sizzled into nothing. I felt my own brokenness all around me, like glass shards prickling my skin. Like cave walls crashing down over me and crushing my ribs into my lungs. My blood was still roaring. I ignored as the prick in my back grew into pain.
When I opened my eyes, I saw Tane had taken steps to run.
But I couldn't tell what happened next.
One second, he had started to run.
The next, I was staring at him, face to face, his eyes wide.
I felt a rush of heat on my hand.
I looked down and froze.
"No," I whispered.
He had pushed me.
Ceseth had pushed me.
I didn't feel his presence behind me anymore. I didn't know where he had gone. I didn't care.
"No."
Tane teetered before falling onto his side with an all too familiar thud. I threw the dagger as far away as I could, looking down at my hands. They were covered in blood. Tane's blood. I screamed my rage and grief as I fell to the floor, scrambling on hands and knees to get closer to Tane, hovering over him with my head bowed.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to. I didn't mean to, you're my best friend. I love you. I love you. Please don't die. Please... It'll be okay. I promise..." My mind was in shambles, my heart torn, tears streaming down my face like an ocean. I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream, to run around, tearing the house apart. I wanted to rip the walls down board by board. I wanted to throw myself into the fire of the fireplace, then light the rest of the house on fire as I burned. I wanted to hold Tane, one last time.
Tane hadn't responded. His cheeks were flushed while the rest of him was pale as death. His lips trembled and blood bubbled past his lips. I tilted his head gingerly and watched as blood poured from the side of his mouth before righting his head and wiping his mouth with my hand. It only smeared the blood.
"It...s o...kay," he murmured, so softly I could barely hear him. Gently, I pulled him into my arms, pressing my hand against the wound, trying to stop the blood. "I...It's ok...ay. I kn...ow you did...n't wan...t t...o."
I shook my head, only crying more. My tears landed on his cheek, mixing with the blood in some sick form of watercolors.
"I... I forg...ive you," Tane whispered, his voice even softer now. "J...Just do...n't go..."
"I won't go," I whispered back, my voice strained. "I won't go." I held him so close our foreheads touched. I couldn't feel him breathing, but I heard how labored the small breaths he managed to take were. He was trying so hard. But for what? I couldn't save him. No one would save him. And he had nothing to live for.
"J...ae..." he murmured. "Jae..."
With trembling lips I kissed his forehead. I saw his lips twitch in a small smile.
"Please forgive me. Please. Please," I whispered. I didn't really want his forgiveness—I wanted him to hate me. Hate me for what I was: the monster that had gotten his mother killed, and the monster to kill him. "You're everything to me. I'm so—"
I screamed as I felt someone grab my arms and jerk me backwards. I saw Tane's head hit the floor and the light go out of his eyes. I screamed until my voice was raw, until I felt I would tear it to shreds.
"Get up."
Ceseth's guttural voice sent me into a fit of rage.
"Let me go, you monster! I hate you!" I shrieked, kicking my feet wildly. I balled my hands into fists and stared at Tane's body. His eyes were still open, too, only half lidded. Fresh blood poured from his mouth and his wounds stained his shirt completely red. I knew he was gone, but I still called out to him, hoping he would move, suddenly wanting his forgiveness even more. He had told me he forgave me. But those were the words of a dying man. No... no, he was not yet a man. He was a boy. A young, innocent, sweet boy.
"Let me go, please! I promised him!" I cried, reaching my hands out to grab him. "I promised him I'd stay. I promised!"
I slumped against Ceseth as I was dragged across the threshold and Tane's body disappeared from sight.
"I promised..."