“Pervert!” There was a shriek and a slap, and two broken hearts down the hallway. I couldn’t help but smirk a little – hey, don’t give me that look! Girls are funny. They think of all these p names to call us: pervert, pig, prick. Honestly, it must have something to do with their period. See? Another p word. All these p’s are giving me premonitions.
I am on a roll.
The girl, the cause of the disturbance, stormed away from the scene, her blue eyes flashing. The guy just kind of laughed it off and high-fived his friends.
You’d think, after high-school, these people would grow up a little more. That’s funny.
I plugged in my headphones, ignoring the disturbing faces swirling around me. They didn’t seem as bad today, as strong. Maybe the Doc was right. These anti-psychotics seem to be working better.
The music flooded through my ears, filling up my brain like a good cup of Joe. I took a deep breath of it, letting it fill me up in a way people never could. Music doesn’t lie. It’s honest. It has a harmonies and melodies, emotions running rampant. It was poetry with music.
As cool as music is, it would be cooler if I could play. I have as much musical ability as a grapefruit, and they might even have a chance. I mean, someone could drop one on a piano, record it on Youtube, and make a million bucks if it sounded good. “Long John Piano”, anyone?
I felt a little more awake today, a little more with it. I tried my best not to think about what I had drawn the night before.
I moved my way to the back of the classroom, settling myself in the seat with the full intention of listening. But as the lecture droned on, I found my mind drifting to what I had drawn the night before.
Dad was telling me a bedtime story. Knights and dragons and princesses. I was a little mad. I didn’t tell him that, because I never got to see him. He was always away on business trips, and because of that, he didn’t know I didn’t care about knights anymore. I thought Superman was cool. He had Super-vision. He could see anything.
“Shwing! The brave knight swung his sword and chopped off the dragon’s head, racing in and saving the beautiful princess.” My dad grinned down at me, reaching to ruffle my hair. “Then they kissed and lived happily ever after.”
“Ewww.” Little me made a face. I was even fatter than the vision with my mom. I found myself making a face, too.
Dad laughed. “C’mon, Squirt, it’s not so bad. Love happens when you least expect it.” He winked at me. “I never expected to love your mom as much as I do. Wouldn’t trade her for all the princesses in the world.”
Little me made a little gagging noise. Dad laughed again, pinching my nose. His eyes softened, and I felt my heart begin to race. I knew something bad was going to happen. “I love you too, Squirt. You’re the best son anyone could have.”
Little me smiled, then, suddenly, his eyes narrowed. “Dad…” his eyes widened, and his jaw dropped. “Daddy? Daddy?” He started screaming, face completely contorted in terror. He looked like he had just seen the Devil.
My mother raced into the room. “Eric! What’s going on?!” Her voice was frantic. She looked frazzled and confused, like she had tumbled out of bed. She took in the scene, little me screaming in terror and my father trying his best to calm me. “Shh, Alex, shhh – I don’t know! He just started screaming! Calm down, Alex! Alex!”
I felt myself backing away, my heart in my throat. “I don’t want to see this,” I whispered. Bile was building up.
“Alexander, stop this!” Both my parents were shaking me, trying to get little me to calm down. Little me just continued to wail, his screams turning into a high-pitched keening noise that vibrated my eardrums. Tears were streaking down from his closed eyelids and he rocked back and forth.
I remembered exactly what I had seen. I had seen the truth.
I couldn’t breathe. I felt like something had just been broken inside me. “I can’t see this, I can’t do this,” I whispered, my own eyes wide. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t - ”
My head shot up, snapping back. “Alexander Carmichel!” I tried to focus my tired eyes. Shit. I fell asleep, didn’t I? The entire class was staring at me. I cleared my throat. “Um, yes sir?”
My professor smiled at me, clasping his hands behind his back. On the outside, he was a tired and cranky looking older man who looked like he might suffer slight constipation. I knew better.
His cold eyes scanned me. “Please, Alexander, solve this equation. I mean, if I’m not interrupting anything.” The class laughed and he smirked at me, eyes trying to rip me to pieces.
I stared at him until he became uncomfortable enough he looked away. “Any day now.”
I sighed and made my way to the front of the class. I wanted to tell all of them the truth about this man. I wanted to say he hated teaching here, he only took the job for the pay and the ability to look up a student’s skirt. I wanted to say he lived alone and was the mean old man that yelled at kids when they ran on his lawn. I wanted to say that, but I didn’t. Instead, I read the answer off of his face, and, much to his surprise and the entire class, I solved the equation. The stunned silence that greeted me followed me back to my lonely spot at the back, where I sat and listened as the lecture resumed.
My headache picked up speed as the day went on, pounding behind my eyes like a hammer on an anvil, occasionally making black spots spread across my vision. “Fuckin’ ow,” I mumbled, stumbling a little as I tried to walk across the shiny linoleum with my hands full of reject clothing.
“Aren’t employees not supposed to cuss?” I glanced up, squinting to make out a face. It was a girl. That made sense, though. I got that much from her voice. She wasn’t all that tall, maybe 5’5” and proportioned. She had wavy brown hair and soft, tea-green eyes. She was definitely pretty.
She raised an eyebrow when I didn’t respond. I blinked in surprise. Smooth, Alex. “Oh, uh, yeah. We’re not.” I squinted harder at her. Somehow, she didn’t seem as super-imposed. It was like I was having a hard time reading her. What the hell?
She laughed a little, shaking her head. “I won’t tell.” She looked at me, my entire body swaying slightly. “Hey, are you okay? You don’t look like you’re feeling well.” I smiled, more so grimacing. I keep hearing that, I thought acerbically. I mean, damn. “Well…” I hesitated. “I’ve had better days.”
She pursed her lips. “Well, truth be told, you look like shit. Here, give me those.” She grabbed the stuff from my arms. My eyes widened. “Whoa, wait up! I have to put those back!” I stumbled after her, grabbing the bridge of my nose. It feels like it’s gonna bleed. This freakin’ headache! “Seriously, it’s my job! What am I working for if a customer comes in and starts doing it?” I asked her incredulously. She laughed again, whirring around and dropping things in their precise spot, folding impeccable. I was dumbfounded and a little threatened. She could easily take my job.
I scowled. “You shouldn’t have done that. I’m perfectly capable of doing my job.” I kept pinching my nose. Ow.
She smiled up at me, her soft eyes becoming more mischievous. “I just didn’t think you wanted to puke all over them.”
Ah. Well, she had a point. “I don’t feel like I’m gonna puke…it’s just a headache.” Just – I guess they could have said World War II was just a war. AIDS is just a disease.
She leaned closer to me, looking into my eyes with a calculating expression. “Hmm. Your pupils aren’t dilated, so you haven’t been drinking.” Her expression got more serious. “Do you take drugs?”
Whoa, what? “Whoa, what?” Where did that come from? “Seriously, it’s just a headache! And I can’t be talking to you. I’ll get fired!”
I was confused. She read me like a book, but I couldn’t get anything off of her. What kind of sorcery is this?
She poked me, leaning back and crossing her arms. “Do you take drugs?”
I glared now. “I think that’s a little private.” I turned on my heel to stalk off, hoping the queen of obsessive would leave me alone.
She didn’t.
“So you do take drugs!” She sounded triumphant. She was keeping pace beside me, watching me with a studious expression. I felt my headache getting worse. Oh god, no. I felt myself sway a little more, the world silencing for a moment, my ears feeling blown-out with pressure. I felt my heart stop.
I also felt someone shaking me. I looked down, feeling my ears clear. The little person was watching me with a concerned expression. “Hey! Hey, you hear me?”
I nodded mutely, barely keeping myself from toppling over.
She watched me silently, seeming to make a decision. Her eyes looked determined. She grabbed me by the arm and started to drag me. Whoa. Hang on there. I tugged my arm gently but the little engine that could didn’t seem to mind. “Hold on! What the hell?” I grunted, my voice seeming to stick in my throat.
She glanced over her shoulder at me, then looked back forward. I watched as we passed Jessica who almost dropped her gum out of her mouth in confusion. “Seriously, what are you doing?” I tugged again, harder, but she seemed to completely ignore me. Wow, what happened to me? I must be pretty damn weak.
The little person tugged me to the front desk. “I need to speak with the manager,” she informed the guy behind the counter. Carl. Carl looked between her and I in confusion, nodded, then knocked on a door titled Management.
Uh oh.
The little person looked at me, and to my surprise, winked. “I’m not here to tell on you for cussing,” she whispered conspiringly.
That tidbit didn’t really settle my nerves or, now, my stomach.
My boss walked out. He pulled a Carl, looking between the little person and I in confusion. “Alexander, what in the world?” I opened my mouth to explain and was beaten to it by the scary little woman.
“Sir, your employee here was trying his best to work, but I think he needs to go home. He isn’t well. I noticed when I was walking by him and he about collapsed,” she informed him, sounding strangely smug.
My boss, Jacob, looked at me in pity. “Alexander, is this true? I’m sorry, kid. Go home, take the day off. You look like you need it.” Oh, thanks, I thought sarcastically. Everyone likes to tell me how I look.
The little person smiled at him, thanking him and tugging me away, pushing through the swinging doors to the outside air.
I, honestly, felt miserable. But I wanted to know what the scary little woman was doing, dragging me around.
She hailed a cab and pulled me into it. “Where do you live?” She asked me. I eyed her suspiciously, clearing my throat. “Why should I tell you?” I think that’s pretty fuckin’ fair.
She raised an eyebrow and so did the cabby, who pretended to go back to whatever he had been doing before. “Listen, you’re sick and you obviously need to get home. I’m just trying to help you out.”
I shrugged. “Okay. I’m about to hurl, though.” The cabby’s eyebrows shot up again.
I told her the address, the world spinning around me. She pulled me out of the taxi and up the stairs of the dorm, balancing under me when I unlocked the door to my room. I stumbled to the couch, holding my head and forcing myself to look to my teeny rescuer.
She was in the kitchen, making herself at home. She filled a mug with water, putting it into the microwave and blasting it for a few seconds, then grabbed some Advil from the cupboard and made her way over to me on the couch. I accepted them gratefully, raising the cup in thanks as I took the pills. Nice effort, even though it won’t really help.
She sat on the coffee table across from me, looking as awkward as I felt. The silence ticked by and I sipped my hot water, the steam surprisingly clearing my head up a little. “Thank you,” I managed.
She smiled at me, her entire face glowing. “You’re welcome.” I nearly choked on my water in shock. She’s a friggen’ angel.
She took my empty mug from me, setting it on the table. “I’m Celeste.” She stuck out her hand, grabbing mine in hers. She had teeny hands and a strong grip. “You’re Alexander. I know that much.” I nodded, unsure of how to talk to her. She smiled brightly, hopping up. “Don’t worry Alexander, I’ll have you feeling better in no time!”
I felt guilty, but… “Uh…listen, Celeste, thanks for all your help. But I think you’d better leave now.” She raised a hand, halting me. “No, you have a migraine. There’s a good chance you’ll vomit and possibly drown in it. You don’t want that.”
I sighed. “Well, yeah…” I sat up, swinging my legs around and holding my head in my hands. “But I don’t really get involved with people - ”
“Oh, come on, you can’t be that bad.” Oh yes I can. “Seriously, you’ll feel better in no time!” She moved back to the kitchen, smiling kindly at me over the counter. I tried to return it, wondering why I couldn’t read her true nature. Seriously, what the fuck is going on with that?
She started moving stuff around in the kitchen, humming quietly. She stopped suddenly. “Alex?” Oh god, don’t call me that.
“Yeah? What?”
She walked back out, a sort of sad expression on her face. She was carrying my two bottles – my anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. “Why do you need these?”
I sucked in a breath. My headache whammed into me, knocking the wind out of me. Aw fuckin’ hell, here we go. I guess it is good I’m not at work, though.
Celeste watched me sadly. “I guess I shouldn’t have pushed you when I asked if you were taking drugs…I meant, you know, illegally.”
I sighed. “Listen, it’s really none of your business.”
She watched me with her soft eyes. When she spoke, it was so quietly that I could barely hear her. “You need to take medication for depression and…what is this?” She glanced at the label on the bottle, eyebrows furrowing. “Sorry…” her eyes returned to mine. She sat down across from me again, watching me curiously. “I’m in medical school here. I’m just curious and wanted to see if I could help you. I could at least try. You seem like you could use it.”
I shrugged, rubbing the sunburn on the back of my neck. “I don’t think you could,” I said honestly. “I’ve had a lot of people try to…help me.” I smiled bitterly. Not much good there. Doctors, shrinks, medication…none of it really works out.
“Then tell me what’s going on.” My eyes snapped back to hers. She focused on them for a second, looking a little disoriented, then blushed, looking down. “You have amazing eyes.”
I shrugged again, feeling myself crack a teeny grin. “It’s some sort of genetic defect. It must have something to do with…everything else.”
“Oh, come on! Please! I want to know about you!” She sounded enthralled. Her eyes were still soft, though. The kindest face I had ever seen. I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t read her. “I want to help.”
I breathed through my nose, feeling more than a little nervous. You got this, Grape Cool-Aid. “I have schizophrenia.”
That was how it started. I sat there, quietly talking to this little person who had managed to make me open up, even if I couldn’t open her. Weirdly, talking to a closed book was far easier than talking to people who I could see judging me. Celeste just listened quietly throughout my whole narrative, her expression staying quiet and gentle and…trustworthy. Not something I think I’ve seen since before I was three years old. Trustworthy.
The night flew by. I talked quietly, she listened silently. It was weird, but it felt nice. Then she looked at her phone, eyes flying wide. “Oh.”
“What?” My eyebrow raised.
“It’s 2:30 in the morning.”
Whoa. What? What? Shit! Fuck! My eyes popped open in surprise. “Do you need to be anywhere?” I asked, trying my best to be a gentleman. I mean, maybe I was kicking her out into the cold, but damn! I had school tomorrow!
She shook her head, looking at me with a pleading expression. Oh no. “Alex?” she asked, her voice sweet. Oh no. “Uh…yes?” Oh no.
Her lip was pouting when I finally pulled up the courage to look her in the face. Oh no. “Can I stay here for the night?” Oh no.
Oh no.
“Oh….yeah.” Shit.
“Thank you! I’ll sleep on the couch, but I need to help you to bed. Damn, woman! I don’t need help to go to bed! I’m fine!
I knew I was lying to myself when I stood and the world spun. “Okay. Thank you.”
She watched me with her soft eyes, putting herself under my arm like a crutch. My headache was mostly gone, but my vision was still screwy, like I had water in my ears.
Celeste guided me down the hall to my room, where I flopped on the bed. She snapped on the light on my desk, and my eyes flew wide in horror as hers landed on my sketchbook which was, thankfully, closed.
To my surprise, she didn’t ask what was inside it. She just smiled at me, thanked me for letting her stay, refused my offer of helping her set up a bed – blankets and pillows – on the couch, and closed my door quietly, leaving me alone.
God, she must think I’m a complete freak. My mouth twisted on its own accord, a severe frown covering my face. Why did I tell her about myself? That was stupid. I should have kicked her out.
My brain wandered to the fact I couldn’t read her. I stood, making my way over to the desk where my lamp still burned. I flipped it open to a blank page, starting to draw.
The image took shape and I wanted to shoot myself in the head. It was Celeste, complete with her gentle smile and soft eyes. Oh god. Fuck. I like her.
I like the one person I can’t read.
I am a dirty-minded motherfucker.