The world - despite what everyone tries to convince you- isn't nice and people aren't nice and memories make you cry. The world creates disasters and is full of people that want to do harm and not good. The world is dark and lonely and even though there are over seven billion people you still feel like you have no one around.
Harry thinks about this often. He thinks about how everyone is born and then at some point we die and that's it. You do good things and bad things and you fall in love and for what? Does any of it really matter? He's not Cleopatra or Abraham Lincoln or someone that anyone will remember. He's just a boy that loved a boy that killed people. Liam pointed out that he may have even helped him kill those people.
Harry always thought he was good. Thought that even if he wasn't remembered by everyone, he'd be remembered by someone fondly. He thinks that when Louis and his mother and Zayn find out that he used to talk about those innocent people; that when they find out he's just as evil they won't love him anymore.
He sits at the lake where he used to steal boats so he could steal kisses. He looks into the dark waters that are just black because the moon is hidden by the clouds. The water is still cold this time of year and Harry feels cold in only his t-shirt. He wonders if dying is easy. If he'll actually want to fight to live if he submerges himself underwater. He has nothing to live for if everyone is going to hate him for the mistakes he's made.
He continues to look down at the small ripples that brush against the shore and he sees himself. He sees a boy that's lost. A boy that's not sure about anything. A boy that's suffered loss and heartbreak. And then he sees another boy. A boy with blue eyes and soft hair. A boy that has also suffered loss and sadness and maybe he's lost too. Harry turns and he sees Louis behind him, looking at him with a soft, almost fearful look.
"Hey," the boy greets him. Harry just continues to look at him and Louis shuffles on his feet. "I haven't heard from you in a few days. I was worried." Harry swallows through the lump in his throat and licks his dry lips. He wants to gnaw at the dead skin, but leaves it for now. It doesn't even matter if his lips are chapped.
"How'd you find me?" Harry asks. He hasn't talked for a few days and his voice comes out hoarse and choppy. He leaves his house for the first time in four days and of course he runs into Louis.
"The same way you always find me. I just knew," Louis whispers. Harry nods and he turns to look back down at the water. Louis sits down next to him and Harry jumps when Louis takes his hand. Louis gently intertwines their fingers and Harry just holds in his tears. Neither boy says anything, but Louis holding his hand is all that needs to be said.
"I think I helped kill them," Harry finally speaks. he waits for Louis to stand up and yell. He waits for the sky to open up and rain. He waits for anything to happen, but nothing does. Louis still holds his hand and Harry still breathes too loud. "I remember talking about everyone. I didn't think he'd kill them, but we used to complain about them all. Hannah, Mr. Sampson... Jeff," Harry chokes on the last name and he can feel Louis tense, but the boy still holds his hand. "I killed them. I'm just as bad as him."
"Did you want them to die?" Louis asks. His voice is so low Harry almost misses it, but he does hear it and he shakes his head.
"No. God no. I never wanted any of them to die. I wanted everything to stay the same. I want everything to go back," Harry admits and Louis nods and places his head on Harry's shoulder.
"Me too sometimes. I'd love to have my best friend back. Sometimes I just want to hear his voice so I watch old videos I have saved and I cry. I cry a lot and sometimes I just want to die so I can be with him again," Louis tells him. Harry takes a sharp breath at that, but Louis squeezes his hand to calm him. "Sometimes though, when I'm with you and I watch you laugh and smile at something I said I think that maybe that was his last gift to me. He left me, but in the end he gave me you. And I miss him everyday and I'll never stop, but I don't feel as lonely as I did in the beginning. I don't feel like my chest is going to cave in at any second and that my lungs can't capture air. You didn't kill him Harry. You didn't even help with the process. No one will ever blame you for being a normal teen and gossiping with someone you loved and trusted."
Harry can feel the salty tears fall off his chin and he opens his mouth and closes it again. He still feels sick and he wants to sink into the water to make his mind stop running. He can't run away or hide when Louis' here. He's left open and raw and everything feels like too much.
"If I never talked about them, they'd still be alive," Harry eventually argues.
"If I had skipped class with Jeff like he wanted he'd still be alive too. Is it my fault too?" Louis asks and Harry moves to look at him face on. "If I had called an ambulance sooner instead of holding him, he'd still be alive. If I had just moved to protect him he'd still be alive but he's not, Harry. And it's not your fault or my fault. It's not your fault that anyone died. I talked about people all the time and no one died from it," Louis continues to argue and Harry shakes his head.
"I should've known-"
"You couldn't have known! Stop hurting yourself over something that you can't control. It happened and it still eats me and you and everyone else up, but we can't change that. It happened and it's the saddest, most heart wrenching thing to happen to any of us, but it happened. We have to keep pushing and keep living and keep loving. Don't let him steal away your future too. Don't let him kill you too," Louis cries. Harry watches as the boy fully breaks down. He moves forward and engulfs Harry in a hug that's so warm and comforting Harry cries with him. He buries his head in Louis' soft neck and he smells like grass and paint and just Louis.
Harry can feel the way the boy holds him closer and how his hands slide under his thin t-shirt and rub his back. He can feel the small hiccups that leave the boys body and Harry can just feel him. He can feel his pain and his confusion and he can feel his love. Harry doesn't even know how, but he knows then that Louis loves him and he loves Louis. It's not a strong, overpowering love - not yet - but it's sweet and new and blossoming. Harry pulls away from their hug and connects their lips and he feels it again.
He thinks about the world as he gently kisses Louis and he thinks about how he thought he'd hate him. How is mother and Zayn and everyone would turn on him. He thinks about how Chad would have done that and he thinks about how he always compares love to what he had with Chad. He's starting to doubt that was even love. He loved the boy yes, but Harry's really starting to wonder if the boy loved him back.
Louis pulls away from Harry's kiss and he gently moves Harry's hair out of his eyes. His blue eyes are glossy from tears and his nose is a light shade of pink. His skin is rough from not shaving and Harry moves to trace his jaw line with his fingers.
"Don't leave me," Louis whispers and Harry knows what Louis is talking about. He knows Louis is referring to his dark thoughts and inner demons and Harry shakes his head.
"I won't. I don't want to," Harry promises. Louis swallows and gazes back down to Harry's lips and Harry just nods and lets the boy kiss him again. He kisses him slowly with purpose and passion and soon they get faster and Louis moves his lips to suck on Harrys neck and Harry's hand roam up Louis' hard stomach and this all feels too fake to be real, but it's happening.
"I love you a little bit," Harry rushes out as Louis leaves him to take off his own shirt. Louis just stares as him and a small smile ghosts across his face and his hands move to help Harry take off his own shirt.
"I love you a little bit as well," he tells him. Harry lets his shirt fall to the ground next to him and he moves to find Louis' lips again. The smaller boy digs his fingers into Harry's hips and Harry nips just under his jaw. They're both too scared to move further though they can both feel each other through their pants. Harry decides to take all control and he tugs on Louis' grey joggers and slips his hand inside the boys boxers. Louis immediately moans as Harry squeezes him and Harry loves the way the boy reacts to him. He moves to fully undress the boy and he dips down to suck on his tip. Louis arches his back on the grass and Harry focuses on just pleasing him.
"Just fuck me already," Louis pants and Harry stops and bites his lip. They have nothing here for that and it'd hurt his sweet little sunshine. He shakes his head and moves back up to kiss his lips. His hand still moves up and down, using Louis' pre-cum instead of spit.
"I don't want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you," Harry tells him. Louis nods at that and seconds later lets himself come undone. Harry watches as the boy shakes and moans low as Harry continues to slowly ease him through. He's still hard, but he can deal with later. He watches as Louis' eyes droop and then the boy pulls Harry down and he nuzzles into his neck.
"You scare me. If you ever leave me, Harry Styles, I won't recover," Louis murmurs. Harry moves so he can lie fully beside the other boy, but still hold him close. He thinks about dying again and the idea is so tempting. He could just float away and never have to feel hurt or empty again. He then thinks about Louis and decides he just wants to be with him forever and if that means living than so be it.
"When I'm with you, I don't want to be anywhere else," Harry breathes and Louis happily accepts that answer.