A Rainy Tuesday || larry

Twenty.

The world - despite what everyone tries to convince you- isn't nice and people aren't nice and memories make you cry. The world creates disasters and is full of people that want to do harm and not good. The world is dark and lonely and even though there are over seven billion people you still feel like you have no one around.

Harry thinks about this often. He thinks about how everyone is born and then at some point we die and that's it. You do good things and bad things and you fall in love and for what? Does any of it really matter? He's not Cleopatra or Abraham Lincoln or someone that anyone will remember. He's just a boy that loved a boy that killed people. Liam pointed out that he may have even helped him kill those people.

Harry always thought he was good. Thought that even if he wasn't remembered by everyone, he'd be remembered by someone fondly. He thinks that when Louis and his mother and Zayn find out that he used to talk about those innocent people; that when they find out he's just as evil they won't love him anymore.

He sits at the lake where he used to steal boats so he could steal kisses. He looks into the dark waters that are just black because the moon is hidden by the clouds. The water is still cold this time of year and Harry feels cold in only his t-shirt. He wonders if dying is easy. If he'll actually want to fight to live if he submerges himself underwater. He has nothing to live for if everyone is going to hate him for the mistakes he's made.

He continues to look down at the small ripples that brush against the shore and he sees himself. He sees a boy that's lost. A boy that's not sure about anything. A boy that's suffered loss and heartbreak. And then he sees another boy. A boy with blue eyes and soft hair. A boy that has also suffered loss and sadness and maybe he's lost too. Harry turns and he sees Louis behind him, looking at him with a soft, almost fearful look.

"Hey," the boy greets him. Harry just continues to look at him and Louis shuffles on his feet. "I haven't heard from you in a few days. I was worried." Harry swallows through the lump in his throat and licks his dry lips. He wants to gnaw at the dead skin, but leaves it for now. It doesn't even matter if his lips are chapped.

"How'd you find me?" Harry asks. He hasn't talked for a few days and his voice comes out hoarse and choppy. He leaves his house for the first time in four days and of course he runs into Louis.

"The same way you always find me. I just knew," Louis whispers. Harry nods and he turns to look back down at the water. Louis sits down next to him and Harry jumps when Louis takes his hand. Louis gently intertwines their fingers and Harry just holds in his tears. Neither boy says anything, but Louis holding his hand is all that needs to be said.

"I think I helped kill them," Harry finally speaks. he waits for Louis to stand up and yell. He waits for the sky to open up and rain. He waits for anything to happen, but nothing does. Louis still holds his hand and Harry still breathes too loud. "I remember talking about everyone. I didn't think he'd kill them, but we used to complain about them all. Hannah, Mr. Sampson... Jeff," Harry chokes on the last name and he can feel Louis tense, but the boy still holds his hand. "I killed them. I'm just as bad as him."

"Did you want them to die?" Louis asks. His voice is so low Harry almost misses it, but he does hear it and he shakes his head.

"No. God no. I never wanted any of them to die. I wanted everything to stay the same. I want everything to go back," Harry admits and Louis nods and places his head on Harry's shoulder.

"Me too sometimes. I'd love to have my best friend back. Sometimes I just want to hear his voice so I watch old videos I have saved and I cry. I cry a lot and sometimes I just want to die so I can be with him again," Louis tells him. Harry takes a sharp breath at that, but Louis squeezes his hand to calm him. "Sometimes though, when I'm with you and I watch you laugh and smile at something I said I think that maybe that was his last gift to me. He left me, but in the end he gave me you. And I miss him everyday and I'll never stop, but I don't feel as lonely as I did in the beginning. I don't feel like my chest is going to cave in at any second and that my lungs can't capture air. You didn't kill him Harry. You didn't even help with the process. No one will ever blame you for being a normal teen and gossiping with someone you loved and trusted."