First thing's first: this is the second to last chapter of part one.
And second, I'm putting a trigger warning on this chapter for self harm. Yes, I know it's been mentioned before, but in this chapter it's a little more...graphic. I'll put a warning down in the chapter essentially where it begins and ends so if you feel the need to, you can skip it. It's all pretty bad, but I'll tag the worst of it. Basically, read at your own risk and please, please be safe. (I just suck and have to hurt every fictional character ever >~<)
Thirdly, regarding that above and something that'll happen earlier on, if you didn't hate me after the last chapter, I have very little doubt you won't after this one. Sorry...?
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That night, a while after the sun had gone down, the two were huddled up on the couch, Levi having claimed to be cold again and curled up against Eren's side and fallen asleep. Eren remained awake, staring blankly into the darkness and letting his thoughts wander.
His mother's words echoed in his mind.
'Sometimes you have to take action for the people you care about without their consent in order to help them.'
Of course this was something Eren had known all along. But of course, he'd been afraid. Afraid that Levi might still resist and then hate him for trying to force him. Afraid that somehow, for some reason, it wouldn't work. Afraid that even if it did, he would still end up hated by the one he cared for the most. These thoughts were terribly selfish on his part. It shouldn't matter whether or not Levi ended up loathing him or not. He should only care about helping him get better...for real.
His eyes traveled down to the man whose all too slender waist he held tenderly. He seemed to be sleeping peacefully, his lips parted just slightly and the breaths moving between them audible in the wheezing of his tired lungs. His face had relaxed from the scowls and grimaces of pain, and for once, he truly looked comfortable.
And suddenly, merely studying Levi's sunken, sickly face, Eren's fears didn't much matter anymore; Levi's health was much more important than any of them. He still preferred to let Levi make the decision on his own, but there was no doubt he hadn't much time left to decide. If he wanted Levi to have a chance, he would have to take action, and soon.
Two days, he concluded. He would give it two more days before he did anything. If Levi hadn't made the decision on his own by February 19th, he'd do it for him, no matter what the circumstances.
~*~
Several hours later, Eren's eyes were fluttering open from a light slumber before he realized he'd fallen asleep. An overwhelming feeling of dread laid heavy on his shoulders as his vision focused on a light down the hall. It became clear that it was the bathroom light streaming through the cracked door. Levi had disappeared from his side, leaving a pool of his blankets in his wake, and suddenly Eren just knew.
He shot to his feet in an instant, his own blanket sliding to his feet. He stumbled toward that light, still considerably disoriented from having just woken up. He didn't expect what he saw once he reached the bathroom and nudged the door open with his toe.
Inside, Levi sat on the floor in a trembling mess. His sullen cheeks were soaked with the tears endlessly flowing from his ducts. He faced the cabinet under the sink having stripped off two of his layers, the sleeves of the third pushed all the way up to above his biceps, revealing the monstrosities that were his tense arms. His hair concealed his eyes but not his lips, pressed together tightly. One hand was balled into a knuckle-whitening fist. The other was poised above the crook of his elbow, wrapped around the filled syringe with the tip of the needle already buried into one of his veins. Eren opened his mouth to try and stop him just as his thumb lifted and shoved the plunger completely down into the barrel.
The release he felt was immediately evident on his face, which relaxed, followed by the rest of his body. Just like that, his trembling stopped and he let out a long breath, still not having noticed the brunet standing wide-eyed in the doorway.
Said brunet collapsed to his knees and gripped the door frame. This caught Levi's attention and he jumped, startled, turning his head. Eren stared at him with enormous turquoise orbs that were next to impossible to read due to all of the emotions swirling through them. Immediately, guilt and desperation flooded through Levi, accompanying the monster and feeling like it was ripping him to shreds from the inside out.
"H-how long have you been there?" he muttered, eyes growing as well.
"Long enough..." Eren mumbled in response.
Abruptly, Levi's attenuated fingers wrapped around the syringe still stuck into his arm and he ripped it out before chucking it into the cabinet with all of his strength, shattering it. His knees came up and he locked his fingers through his hair. For the first time he wished he could somehow yank the monster from his being and shatter it just like the syringe.
He'd hurt Eren. Again. And this time he knew there was no fix for what the bright eyed teenager just witnessed on his account. He wasn't capable of healing wounds...only inflicting them. And now he'd crossed the line he'd drawn for himself eight years ago the very first time he made the decision to poison his soul so his body and mind could feel better.
This...this was much worse. There was no drug or escape that could fix his soul. Perhaps at one time, Eren could've...but now he'd gone and ruined that, too. He deserved nothing but death now, and because he couldn't remove his monster from his bloodstream, had to wait until it chose to depart on its own, he hoped this time it might actually kill him. Might finally let his poor body be at peace and let Eren go.
"Y-you should go," he found himself muttering. "You don't need to be here anymore."
"I'm not going anywhere," replied Eren stubbornly as he began to reach for the raven. Levi flinched away from the attempted contact. "I'm not leaving you alone."
"This isn't your fight, Eren!" he shouted through his raspy voice. "You're doing nothing but getting hurt here!"
It was Eren's turn to flinch. "I don't care," he started.
"Dammit, brat! Don't you have any respect for yourself at all?!"
Levi didn't miss the flash of pain in those blue-green eyes he so adored; he wanted to reach inside himself and yank his heart out.
"I won't let this be for nothing," he said in a low tone, lowering his head so his hair concealed his eyes. "I'm not just gonna leave and let you die...because we both know that's what will happen if you don't get real help soon. And...I told you I need you, too, remember? I-"
"What in the hell could you possibly need me for? I've done nothing good for you...or anyone else, for that matter."
"That's a lie. You've given me a purpose."
"A purpose? You have so much more potential than sticking around here trying to find a lost cause, Eren. I've only been dragging you down."
"That's a lie, too. I don't care how much you don't believe it, but there's hope for you. I won't give up on that hope."
"And what if I already have?" Levi, too, lowered his head.
"You haven't. I can tell. You don't want to die, and you don't wanna be in pain anymore."
"If dying meant your pain would stop, I'd gladly embrace it."
Eren's head snapped up and his heart squeezed. "No, Levi. That wouldn't make it stop. It would hurt so much more..." His voice broke and he slid his arms around his torso, feeling the depression creeping up from the depths of his being and fighting so hard to push it away.
A single tear slid down Levi's cheek and dripped from his chin. "I have a hard time believing that..."
Eren gulped and attempted again to reach out. The tip of his middle finger made contact with the back of Levi's hand, earning another flinch. "I know you do. But that doesn't mean the possibility that you'll believe it someday doesn't exist."
Levi said nothing. Didn't move. He began to shut off his mind, to block any kind of reason he might have left within him. The majority of his being was a constant reminder that he was detrimental. Worse. Wouldn't allow him to believe there was hope for him or his life or anything he did, as much as he wanted to. He wanted to believe Eren. Wanted to stand up and fight his demons, fight the monster...but the blackness in his heart consumed him.
"Just try, Levi," Eren whispered. "For me. Please."
The raven lifted his head just enough to be able to see the teenager through his hair. His eyes were shimmering, filled with tears. He begged with those eyes. And Levi couldn't say no. He'd continue to humor him until he shot himself into total oblivion forever.
"Come on," coaxed Eren softly. "You should eat while you can."
Levi complied and let the brat help him to his feet and guide him down the hall. He slid into one of the dining chairs and stared down at the tarnished wood while Eren scrounged around the kitchen. Despite the monster coursing through his entire body, he felt hollow like a doll the wind could blow right through. Breakable, like one breath would cause him to crumble to pieces. He had no idea what his motivation to let Eren take care of him that day was, whether it was the minuscule satisfaction shown in Eren's soft features that seemed to give him mild, likely phantom happiness...but he did.
And soon it was nearly unbearable, the way the brat looked at him with so much hope and faith that everything would be okay. He couldn't stand knowing he'd just end up snuffing it out all over again. The further the high died down, the guiltier he felt.
"I'm...gonna go...take a bath..." he mumbled, pulling himself to his feet from his place next to Eren as they watched some movie he'd already forgotten the name of.
"Okay," Eren murmured. He watched Levi shuffle down the hallway, hands stuffed into his pockets and his shoulders hunched. He practically radiated guilt; Eren hated the fact that he was helpless against it.
He had a slight inkling that Levi might just shoot up again while in there, but it was quickly shot down in remembering he shattered his only syringe.
Now in his own company, Eren attempted to focus his attention back to the movie but was for the most part unsuccessful. Something nagged at the back of his mind, perhaps instinct or simply a disturbing feeling. But no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, it remained relentless. With each audible tick of the clock, the feeling grew stronger and soon the minute hand had nearly made a full revolution without so much as a peep from the bathroom.
A feeling of something along the lines of terrible déjà vu swept over him, dizzying him. Swallowing hard, he moved to his feet and strode soundlessly down the hallway, begging and praying to the universe that he was just being paranoid, just haunted by memories and feelings from the past when...
Swallowing hard again, he murmured into the closed door. "Levi?"
No response. He spoke the name a little louder, still nothing. Tried the knob. Locked.
His stomach churned and his eyes stung with fearful tears.
'This isn't happening...this isn't happening...wake up, just wake up...'
He drew a breath in through his nose and held it in, reaching up to skim his fingertips across the top of the door frame. Sure enough, there was the key - the same place they kept it at his house.
Gently, he pressed his ear to the cool wood, hoping for some small sound to reassure him coming from the inside.
There was none.
'I'll open the door and he'll be fine. This isn't the same...'
No matter what he told himself, he couldn't shake the feeling that it was the same. Eerily similar. Again his mind reminded him of the similarity between him and his mother in this kind of situation; this only amplified his anxiety tenfold.
Slowly, he stuck the key into the lock and twisted. The door eased open; light flooded out and illuminated his face. His heart pounded relentlessly against his ribs and he continued to hold the air in his lungs as the door swung all the way open.
**Trigger Warning**
Levi was not on the floor against the side of the bathtub as Eren half expected. Instead, he was inside of it, the curtain half drawn, his head lolling to the side on his limp arm, resting on the side of the tub. The water concealing most of his body was tinted a rusty color that had Eren's throat closing.
He rushed in and shoved the curtain to the side, shouting Levi's name as the first tears spilled down his cheeks. Levi's lashes only fluttered slightly. There was still life in his body; the blood came from what appeared to be a large gash in Levi's inner forearm. Thick, hot, red liquid dripped from it, down the side of the tub, and into the water. Swiftly, Eren reached behind him and yanked a good portion of toilet paper off the roll to ball it up and press it to the bleeding arm.
"Levi, dammit, wake up," Eren practically begged, pressing his hand to the raven's hot forehead.
At the sound of Eren's voice, Levi's lashes fluttered once more and a nearly inaudible whimper sounded from his pale lips.
"Eren..." he breathed.
"God, Levi, you're so st-stupid..." the teen blubbered, his lips replacing his hand on Levi's burning forehead.
"Sorry..."
"Shut up..."
Forcing himself to pull together, Eren reached over and flipped the drain plug lever into the down position. The bloody water immediately began to swirl down as Eren reached for a wash cloth to wipe the residue from Levi's grayish skin with. The tears never subsided, though he was much too busy with the sickening, horrifying sight of Levi's body to care.
He was much, much too skinny. Each and every one of his ribs was prominent beneath semi-tattooed skin. His collarbones stuck out unnaturally and his chest rose and fell unevenly with each labored breath dragged into his sore lungs. His hipbones jutted out, as well, distorting the intricate tattoo of a gnarled tree twisting up from it to his ribs just beneath his arm on the left side. The roses stretching from neck to shoulder to collarbone were extensively bright against his pallid skin and had strangely the same hue as the liquid dripping from his left arm.
Eren gently ran the cloth over the entirety of Levi's body, taking note of his tattoos as a distraction while he did so. For some reason, the art kept him sane and calm enough to carry out this task.
An indigo dragon hugging the outer part of his left calf. What looked like overlapping wings over a shield on his upper right arm. An intricate pattern of swirls on his outer right thigh. The roses. The tree.
The whole time, he was murmuring reassurances. Whether or not they were for himself or Levi - who was swimming in and out of consciousness - or both, he did not know.
"I'm gonna lift you out of there now," he murmured, yanking a towel from the rack and wrapping it around Levi's bony shoulders. With no response, he proceeded to slide his arms beneath Levi's frail form, one beneath his knees and the other around his shoulders. He was much easier to lift than he should've been. His limbs fell slack; Eren made it a point to support his head as he propped him against the side of the tub on the outside.
Again, Levi's lashes flickered open just enough to be able to gaze up at Eren. His lips twitched and he mouthed a word the teen was unable to read.
"Sshh..." Eren murmured. He turned his attention to the mess of toilet paper pressed to Levi's arm. It was almost completely soaked through. Just as he pulled it away, Levi fell unconscious again and he worked on pushing his emotions aside so he could treat whatever the hell happened to his arm.
Holding in another deep breath, he disposed of the toilet paper and, as gently as possible, went over the cuts with the damp washcloth. He wanted to throw up when he saw it was a single word carved into Levi's skin:
MONSTER
Something between a sob and a hiccup escaped his throat. His body seemed to go on autopilot while his mind reeled with emotions. Physically, he was acting quickly - pulling the peroxide and bandages from the cabinet above the sink, cleaning off the cuts that weren't all that deep but were unnerving nonetheless and bandaging them, using several layers just to be safe - while his emotions scattered around like lost children.
**End Trigger Warning**
Slowly, carefully, gently, he bundled Levi's body up in the towel as best he could once the bandages were in place and lifted him again. Tears dripping from his chin and down his neck soaked into the towel as he cradled the artist's delicate body close to his chest, making it a point to keep his head supported with his shoulder. He could feel Levi's hot skin even through his shirt and despite having been dried off of the bath water, his skin remained damp with the sweat seeping from his pores.
Carefully, Eren made his way into the bedroom and laid Levi on top of the comforter. The man didn't so much as stir, even as Eren covered him from the waist down with one of the blankets folded at the foot of the bed, nor when he crawled up next to him and took hold of his hand or brushed his hair back with his opposite hand.
"Wake up," he begged quietly under his breath. "Please..."
~*~
Levi felt like he was floating in some unknown part of the universe. It was black, black, black. Nothing seemed to hurt anymore, but he was surrounded by nothing, and that was even more terrifying. He couldn't really feel his body; he wasn't even entirely sure he still had one.
'Is this what death feels like...?' he mused. 'I'm disappointed.'
But then he heard that familiar voice, filled with panic and much rougher than normal, calling his name. He began swimming in and out of the darkness, vaguely aware of what happened when he was out of it.
He remembered the bright eyes, filled with tears. That left a pang. He remembered feeling something cool and incredibly soft on his forehead. He remembered being called stupid and knowing not what to say other than to mutter a weak apology.
But eventually, the darkness pulled him back under and did not subside for what felt like an eternity.
When it did, the stinging was the first thing to register and he felt impossibly heavy. He'd found his body again, and he suddenly remembered dismantling a razor to get the blade out...watching the blood well up as he carved a single word into his arm...
This was enough to get him to locate his eyelids and peel them open with what felt like a herculean effort. The world seemed a blur until the flickering light of a TV became apparent and allowed him to make out the ceiling fan. An involuntary groan escaped his lips from the throbbing of his arm, the burning of his lungs, all of the familiar aches of withdrawal...
"You're awake..." came the breath to his left; his eyes flickered to find the source.
Sure enough, there Eren sat, puffy-eyed and tear-streaked. He felt the pang again at the heart shattering sight that was the teenager. He managed to find words to push past his flaming throat.
"I'm sorry, brat...you shouldn't have had to see me like that. Guess I really am a monster..."
"Shut up," Eren mumbled, more tears escaping down his stunningly rosy cheeks. His hand tightened around Levi's. "Y-you scared me to death, you know that?! It felt just like when my dad died..." His Adam's apple bobbed as he tried to swallow past the thickness of his throat. "...but this was worse...so much worse..." His head descended until his forehead landed directly over the spot Levi's uneven heartbeat was visible inside his bony chest. His entire frame shook and his hand tightened painfully around the raven's, but he made no complaint.
"I'm sorry..." he whispered again, lifting his hand to run gently through those soft, chocolate locks in an attempt at comfort. "I can't seem to stop hurting you..."
"You're not a monster," Eren said with a sniffle. "I know how it is...to feel like you deserve pain so you inflict it upon yourself...I know. You don't keep hurting me...I just keep failing you."
"I swear to god, Eren, if you keep trying to pin all the blame on yourself..." He squeezed his eyes shut.
Eren sat up slightly and ran his fingers over the bandage around Levi's arm. "I'm supposed to be preventing things like this."
"That doesn't make it your fault."
Eren cast his gaze over to meet Levi's. His eyes swirled with fear, relief, and guilt. Levi's eyes slammed shut again, unable to behold the sight.
"Don't look at me like that," he mumbled.
"I'm sorry, I just-"
"Don't apologize, either."
An audible snap sounded as Eren's teeth clamped together. If he couldn't apologize, he had nothing else to say.
The war inside Levi's heart raged on, between his burning need for the monster and his gently glowing love for this bratty, idiotic, reckless, beautiful teenager. Suddenly, the tables had turned in favor of blue-green eyes, soft hands, and a smooth voice.
The fact that he remained right there by his side, hand in hand with him, was something of a miracle in the mind of the addict. After all he'd had to experience and witness because of Levi's idiotic choices...after constantly being wounded...he still bore that genuinely pure aura around him. It was unfathomable.
Recent words of Eren's echoed in his head.
'Up until a couple months ago, I've never loved anyone more than her...'
There was no denying or questioning it now. Eren truly did love him, no matter what way it was in. The fact that he'd been there watching his body deteriorate and his life drain, having sacrificed nearly everything to help him...the fact that even after the things he witnessed in that apartment and refused to give up...the fact that Levi finally cared for someone in a genuine way, as well, and the fact that the someone was Eren himself...
Finally, he was loved. It took twenty-four long, torturous, hellish years...but he was loved, and he could love. The value in him had finally been recognized and acknowledged.
Slowly, subtly, subconsciously, he began accepting Eren's love.
*~Attempted Recovery Journal Entry #4~*
I was such a fool if I thought I could do this on my own. Many things snap into perspective when you're on the brink of death...such as the realization that maybe life is worth it...if you have something real to hold onto...
Tch. Two weeks ago I would've gladly slashed my wrists and let myself bleed out if it wasn't for those bright eyes I suddenly can't get enough of...
I can't stand to see any more pain in those eyes caused by the likes of myself. And he's much too stubborn to leave on his own. If I want to repent for the things I've done, it will be with him. I'll let him be my salvation...as long as he wants to stick around. I refuse to hurt him anymore.
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Oh god, please don't hunt me down and kill me >.< haha.
So uhm, like I said, second to last chapter of part one. I'll more than likely just keep everything in this one work and start over with the chapter count. I feel like making a separate book would be a hassle, & tbh I'd like my reads to all be in one place xD
One more thing, bear with me, I'm sorry! But I just wanted to give a li'l shoutout to two wonderful people I've met on here; they're so supportive and give me way more credit than I deserve and I encourage you to check out their works because they're incredibly talented authors. If you like this, you'll love their stuff, guaranteed. They are Deafening__Silence and TriP9282.
Okay, never gonna have authors notes this long again (hopefully). Thank you for reading, let me know what you think, and I love you all! <3