Work was pretty bad, but going home, I prayed the day would end okay. As I pulled into the driveway, I noticed the kitchen light was on and Ian paced back and forth in front of the window. I wonder what's going on with him. I took the key from the ignition and sat watching him for a minute before he turned his head and looked out the window, his eyes meeting mine, though I wasn't sure he could see me through the car window. I decided I should probably go see what was going on in his mind.
He met me at the front door, and I realized he looked really nervous. "Are you alright?" I asked, wondering if this was just him overreacting about something. He shook his head, pulled me inside and slammed the door. "Woah, what the heck is this all about?"
He went back to his pacing, casting glances in corners and the other rooms. "I feel unsafe," he explained quickly. "I feel like I'm being watched, Ben! It's been driving me insane for the past two hours!"
"Ian, why would anybody be watching you? Literally every curtain is closed except the one in the kitchen and there's no way someone is in the house." I pulled him into a hug, but he pulled away.
"Actually..." he hesitated. I didn't like the way he bit his lip. "I went out after you left and forgot to lock the door."
"Seriously, Ian?" I wanted to yell, but I'd had a bad day as it was and it looked like he had gone through enough torment. "Alright, I'll look around the house, but you need to sit down do you don't get in the way. I don't want to have to yell over something stupid."
I walked around the house and checked every room thoroughly, even the near empty rooms that Adam and Ambrew had moved out of. We had yet to figure out what to do with those rooms. I checked out every window, made sure they were all locked, even locked the front door. There was nothing for Ian to be worrying about. It was just his anxiety, and I was sure I knew why. "Ian, come in here please!" I called from the kitchen. He sat down in the chair next to mine. "There is absolutely nobody in this house. I'm gonna have to start calling you paranoia-man." I laughed at the stupid name, but he didn't find it very funny. I cleared my throat. "Anyway, I think the reason your anxiety was so bad was your fear of me getting angry over a stupid mistake. I'll admit, I was pretty angry when you told me, but I'm over it. And I'm not like the other people you've encountered. I wouldn't hurt you if my life depended on it." My mind flashed back to the fight we had before mom left, but I pushed it to the back of my mind, hoping he wouldn't think about it.
"I know, I just...it's a problem. Maybe I need to see a counselor or something, but not right now."
"Why not?" I was confused.
"Because I have too much to worry about right now." He leaned into me and I put my arm around his shoulders.
"Ian, it's nothing to worry about. In fact, it'll be more stressful if you worry about it. Tomorrow will be the greatest day of our lives, I promise. And when it's all over we can-"
"Stop with the new addition!" I grinned. He knew exactly what I was going to say and it was funny to me that he cut me off right before I could say it. "I said we'll talk. Be patient, would ya?"
"Guess I have to be." He smirked up at me as I replied. "Why are you so hesitant about a baby anyway?"
"Because...well, I don't know if I can handle it. I'm afraid it might be afraid of me; the way my voice gets sometimes, my weird eyes, the way I scream when I'm in a panic...I don't want to have another person who has to take care of me when I should be taking care of them."
"Oh, Ian." I rested my chin on his head. "None of that matters. None of it will ever matter, not to me, not to a child, not to anyone. You know why? Because you're a good person with a really big heart, and that makes you worth more than anybody could ever imagine. You may not have the patience or the energy, physically or emotionally, but parenting is working through it all together. If you don't want to adopt a child, you just tell me. I won't be mad."
"Promise?" His voice was soft and tired, almost like he was drifting into sleep. I almost wanted to shake him, keep him awake so we could keep talking, but we had a big day ahead of us and we could both use the rest.
"I promise."