Kylo crosses his arms, his broad shoulders lifting. "FN-2187 left the First Order. He stole a TIE Fighter and aided a prisoner in escape, a pilot with sensitive information."
It takes me a moment to realize he's talking about Finn, who escaped from Starkiller Base. I decide to let him talk, and not interrupt. I keep my eyes focused on a candle nearby.
"He was different than the other Stormtroopers," Kylo continues. "He didn't shoot the civilians... when I gave the order."
"Well, can you blame him? Who would want to follow an order like that?" I say, unable to help myself.
"When we came to Takodana, where we found you and Finn and ..." He stops and I know he was about to say his father. Han was there at Maz's castle too. Kylo frowns. "Finn had no trouble shooting the other Stormtroopers, those he'd trained with and spent a lot of time with on Starkiller Base."
"Finn's a good man-"
"He lied to you about being with the Resistance. He's a coward and a liar."
I grab my light saber which I keep tucked in my sock when I'm not wearing my belt. It lights up instantly in my hand, almost hitting Kylo in the forehead. He scoots back just in time.
"Finn didn't kill civilians for sport," I growl between clenched teeth.
Kylo's eyes glow with the reflection of my light saber. "I don't either," he says. "It's for a purpose."
"So you're telling me it's all just perspective? The bad guys are good in their own eyes?"
"And the good guys are bad in our eyes," he adds.
I shake my head. "No, you kill innocent civilians."
"So does the Resistance. Stormtroopers aren't robots, they're humans, fighting for the side they think is right, the side that they believe will keep order in the Galaxy. They have faith in the First Order, enough to fight and die for it."
I shake my head. He's confusing me. "No," I say, taking a swing at him. He blocks my attack with the Force, stopping my hand from coming down. The light saber is strong and he can only predict my moves for so long before I slice him.
"You're the one who's a liar," I say. "And you're evil." I tighten my grip on the handle of my light saber.
"I may be evil," he says, his expression growing dark, "but at least I'm honest about it."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I've seen your thoughts, Rey-"
I thrust my light saber at his chest and he rolls out of the way, leaving me to burn the bed sheets instead. Turning around I go after him for another attack but now he's got his light saber too and he fights me off.
"You had no right to go through my memories," I yell, scattering bowls and plates by accident as I swing at him. Kylo fends off my blows but doesn't attack back.
"Nor you mine," he says calmly.
"I hate you!" I scream, swinging harder.
Kylo grabs my wrist, holding my light saber away from him. "I don't need to read your mind to know that's not true." He forces me backwards and I hold my ground until my legs hit the side of the bed and I fall back onto it.
Kylo he pins me down, holding my wrist above my head. My light saber drops from my hand, rolling to the ground. He loosens his grip, but I can't get out from under him. Unwanted tears swell in my eyes.
"Maybe I feel a lot different about you now, since you last read my mind," I retaliate, but my voice trembles despite my efforts to keep it steady.
"Since yesterday?" he says softly. He's so close his breath is on my cheek. My chest rises and touches his whenever I take a deep breath in.
He releases my wrist and lowers himself down onto the bed beside me. There isn't much room and we have to touch in order to both be on the bed at the same time. I push my palms up against his chest to keep him from coming too close, his skin warm against my hands, his muscles firm beneath my fingers.
He sets a large hand onto my shoulder. "You confused me too," he says softly, his eyes searching mine. "I was clear about my mission and how I would bring it about, until you came along."
"How did I confuse you?"
"When we fought on Starkiller Base. I never saw anyone look at me with so much... hate."
I doubt that, I think. "How could I not hate you? You and Hux were working with Snoke. You were trying to kill me!"
"I needed Hux, and the First Order, to help me fulfill my plan to destroy Snoke. But now I don't need them... I have you."
I try to pull away but there's no more room for me to back up against the wall.
"I took off my helmet to get a better sense of you, not because you asked." he says. "I felt... your power. I felt our connection."
I can't look away from his eyes. "Is it a Jedi thing... when two people can have a connection with the Force? And share its power, together?"
"It's a forbidden thing."
Kylo's words hang in the air between us. His hand moves from my shoulder to my head and I stiffen. Is he going to read my mind again? He rests his palm on the side of my face and I close my eyes at the unexpected gentleness of his touch.
"I won't read your mind anymore," he whispers, "if you don't read mine."
My shoulders relax but I don't reply.
"We have to start being honest with one another," he continues.
"Is that even possible for you?" I whisper.
"I think so." Kylo's thumb hovers near my lips and his fingers are in my hair, brushing the back of my neck. "I'll try," he says, swallowing hard.
I open my eyes to find him looking down to my lips. A small gasp escapes me when his thumb brushes my bottom lip lightly. It feels like a soft kiss. He pulls me against him and I push back with my palms, but he's stronger than me. I'm surrounded by his arms, my head resting on his chest, his large hand running down over my back. I close my eyes and am taken away to another time, long ago, an old memory long forgotten. Someone rubbing my back. I was young, maybe four or five years old, and very tiny. My mom rubbed my back and sang me to sleep at bedtime. For a second I see her, smiling. But then it's gone and I forget, again, what she looks like.
A sob grows in my chest and lumps up into my throat but I hold it back. I'd forgotten how my mother would sing me to sleep. I can't hold back the tears, they burn my eyes and throat, until I finally let them escape. I don't want my tears to get all over Kylo, but they do. His hand on my back balls up into a fist, gathering the fabric of my shirt tight. His arms tighten around me.
I take a few deep breaths and get a hold of myself, then push out of Kylo's arms. He lets me go. I hurry into the small bathroom, picking up a candle along the way. I'm glad there are no mirrors here. It's just a moment of weakness, I think. It won't happen again, ever. I won't let it.
I wash my face in a cold trickling stream that runs down into a make-shift sink. The icy water is refreshing. I hear a soft beep from behind the curtain. It's BB-8.
"I'm okay BB-8."
I watch her shadow slowly retreat from the curtain.
Am I okay?
Yes. It was just a sad childhood memory that caught me off guard. And I'm grateful to have remembered it. No one has rubbed my back or comforted me since then, since my mother was still with me. I wipe my face with a towel then leave the small bathroom.
Kylo is sitting up on the bed, leaning forward, elbows on his knees and fingers clasped. He looks up as I approach.
"Would you like to be alone?" he asks. I climb into the bed and curl up in a ball, pulling my knees to my chest and facing the wall so I don't have to look at him. There's no movement for a long while and yet I don't fall asleep, despite how tired I am. My heart is squeezing too hard in my chest for me to sleep.
"I'll go keep watch," Kylo says softly, getting up.
I turn and grab his hand. "Stay."
He hesitates only a moment then climbs into the bed, pulling me into his arms again. No sooner are his arms around me than I drift off to sleep.