******
As I stare at your sleeping face
I just can't help but to reminisce
I can remember every single moment vividly, as if they were etched permanently in my being
And I can't help but to just close my eyes as they flashes, as if they were scenes from a movie
Except that they happened
They happened in real life and not just acted
******
"Tell me you're not serious.."
"But I am."
"God, are you an idiot?"
"Can you just support my decision?"
"But your decision is beyond ludicrous!!"
"Well, this is what I wanted."
"But this is not what you needed."
"Dinah I-"
"Mila, you must listen to me. This will not do you any good."
"Please...just help me this one last time. I can't do this alone, Dinah."
******
"Camz! Right here!"
The called brunette smiled as she saunters towards the waving raven haired girl.
"Hey, Lo what's up?" Camila removed her snow-stained jacket before sitting across the raven haired girl. "Sorry if I was late, I just have to call for an emergency me—"
"Hey, hey. It's okay, besides I just got here as well."
"Liar."
Lauren chuckled. "You know me too well."
"Well, we shared a roof for nothing."
Camila raised her hand to call for the waiter only to be stopped by her friend.
"It's on me today, Camz." Lauren dismissed the waiter who managed to catch the brunette's hand. "I've ordered so wait for it."
Camila sighed. "Lo, you know I don't like you pampering me."
"But I'm not pampering you! I requested for this meet up and it's normal for me to—"
"Alright, alright, geez. What's with this sudden meet up anyway?"
And suddenly, Camila's breath hitched.
The smile that Lauren showed is different.
It's radiant and totally blinding.
It's glowing and Camila can't help but close her eyes...
Because that smile belongs to someone else.
"I accepted his proposal, Camz."
******
"Camz?"
"Hm?"
"Have you ever thought about marrying?"
"Huh? No. Not yet, why?"
"Well, I just thought about it."
"Do you have someone in mind you want to marry?"
"Yes.."
******
"Dinah?"
"Hm?"
"She'll look gorgeous in this dress."
"Yeah."
"I bet he'll fall deeper when he sees her wearing this."
"No doubt."
"He'll fall deeper and he'll not gonna let go of her."
"......."
"Right?"
"......."
"Righ-t. r-right."
"Hey, hey, hey stop. Why are you crying now?"
"I-I am just happy for her."
"Mila, stop."
"I-I can't believe this is happening."
"Stop, I got you."
"Dinah, why is this happening?"
"C'mon, stop working. I'll send you home. You're tired and you need to rest."
"No, I. I need to finis—"
"No and that's final."
******
Camila didn't know that she was holding her cup of coffee tightly until Lauren held her hand.
"Camz, you okay?" Lauren delicately removed the brunette's hold on her cup before grasping it. "You, you look pale."
Blinking out of her trance, Camila tried her best to act normal.
"Yes. I am."
I can't do this right now
And so with fumbling steps, Camila tried her best not to trip.
"P-please excuse me... Comfort room."
And she left the raven haired girl frowning, full of worries of the sudden change of behavior.
******
"Camz, we must really watch that movie.."
"....."
"...and maybe after watching, we can go shopping.."
"....."
"Hey, have you heard about the new transfer?"
"....."
"They said she's really pretty.."
"....."
"We should go and meet her..."
"....."
"Her name's Normani by the wa— hey, Camz..Camz?"
"Hm?"
"Why are you so quiet?"
"Nothing, I just uh. Not in the mood, I guess."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry but, I-I have to go."
******
"When is the engagement again?"
"Next Sunday. Why?"
"Nothing. I just need to make sure so I could clear my schedule and can come."
"Dinah?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you...Do you think I should come?"
"Why not? She'll be disappointed if you won't."
"You think?"
"Definitely."
"But she won't notice me considering the number of guests."
"Mila open your eyes. You're the first person she'll find—"
"No. Of course not, Dinah."
"You—"
"She'll look for him first."
"....."
"Always."
******
Lauren looked at her friend with worry. "You sure you're okay?"
Camila nodded. "Yeah. Don't worry."
"Alright. If you say so—"
"Lo...I-I have another emergency meeting so is that all—"
"I want you to be the planner."
And for the first time in her lifetime, Camila swears she hated her job.
"W-what?"
"We decided to have our engagement next month and I was wondering if you could b—"
"Absolutely."
"Really?!"
"Yes"
What were you thinking?
"Thank you!!!"
Camila swears that the moments that followed were in a blur, for all she could remember were the painful beatings of her heart.
******
"Am I your friend?"
"Yes. Of course, why—"
"Then why are you avoiding me?"
"Lo, you got it all wron—"
"Then why are you not answering my calls, huh?"
"Lo-"
"And you don't even hang out with me anymore.."
"......"
"See? You can't even say anything. Camz, Tell me. Why are you moving out of our shared apartment?"
"You need to understand."
"No, I totally don't understand."
"I-is it so wrong of me, if I don't want to interfere with you and your boyfriend?"
"What?"
"I just want you guys to have time alone together."
"Camz—"
"I don't want to look like a third wheel, Lo."
"No, you're—"
"Let's face it, Lauren."
"Please stop."
"We need to be away from each other when the time comes—"
"I said stop, did I?"
"Alright, alright. I'll stop. Now what do you want, seriously?"
"Please don't move out."
"Lauren..."
"D-don't leave me.."
"......."
"P-please?"
*****
"Please, you need to reconsider."
"Excuse me?"
"Just don't make Camila be a part of your engagement."
"W-what?"
"Don't do this to her and please listen to me, Laur."
"Dinah, what are you really talking about?"
"Camila's a mess, Lauren. Thought you should know."
"I-I don't know.."
"Do you know why though?"
"....."
"....."
"....."
"This is ridiculous."
"Dinah –"
"Just listen to me, Lo. Please. I don't want to see Camila crying in front of me every now and then. She's my best friend and seeing her being like this I can't even..."
"I'm sorry.."
"I know..."
******
Camila can't believe all these are happening.
She can't decipher if this moment is just a dream or if this was real.
She was not sure, for she did not dream of actually planning the engagement of the woman she loves.
She had promised herself before that if this day comes, she won't be a part of it. But here she was, speaking with the woman she loves while the latter is gazing at the man of her dreams lovingly.
And everytime the couple shared a loving smile and intimacy, Camila could only avert her eyes, looking at her notes as if they were brilliant.
"Mila?"
Camila looked at the owner of the voice.
"Yes, Luis?"
The mentioned man smiled genuinely. "Thank you for the help. I really appreciate it."
Luis is a good guy. He was a fine man and this is the reason why Camila can't ever hate him. He was honest and loyal to her friend. He was a perfect match for her bestfriend. It's like he was that prince in a fairy tale every woman dreamed of.
And Camila can't ever compete to him.
And this is also the reason why she let him take her. Take her heart. Take the whole of her.
So Camila could only return the smile with the same intensity.
"You're welcome."
"Camz?" Lauren smiled as she stood along with Luis. Their hands intertwining on their own and so Camila could only look at her notes again.
"Yes?"
"I owe you one."
"You'd better be."
And with shared laughs, the couple finally bid farewell and walked out of the office.
And that's when Camila crumbled.
She blinked, trying to shove the tears back but they have a mind of their own and just skidded down her cheeks.
Her shoulders shook as her lips quivered and she can't help but to just bite her lower lip.
And when a low whimper managed to painfully escape past her lip, that was when she let go.
She didn't know that it will hurt this much.
******
"What do you want?"
"She asked you to stay."
"I know."
"Then why haven't you stayed?"
"Luis, look. Can't you just thank me I left her alone? Because of this, you could come over comfortably and as long as you want—"
"She's having nightmares—"
"See? You can even have your sleep over now that—"
"Damn it, I'm serious!"
"Look, I'm busy. So say everything you have to say."
"She's having nightmares and she's calling for you."
"......."
"Even if I told her to call out for me instead, it doesn't happen."
"......"
"Look. Reconsider everything and move in with her."
"No, I won't."
"Don't be stubborn, please."
"I made my decision and that's final."
"And I'm here asking you to reconsider."
******
"Camz?"
"Hm?"
"How have you been?"
"Good—"
"Are you having enough sleep?"
"Eh? Yes."
"Have you been eating properly?"
"Lo, what—"
"Camz, I asked Ally, Luis's sister to continue the plan, to just continue where you left off."
"You have got to be kidding me. You don't have to do this. I'm doing just fine I—"
"The last thing I want is to see you like this."
"Lo, I'm perfectly fine!"
"Camz, I'm not dumb! Look at yourself. You look like a mess!"
"You don't understand."
"Yes, I do."
"No, you don't."
"Then make me understand! Why are you looking like you lost something, huh?? What's making you like this??"
"You don't understand..."
"Then please explain.."
"......"
"......you won't say something..?"
"...fine. I'm going."
"Lau—"
"Don't speak with me until you give me answers."
******
"Can you believe it?" Camila scoffed amidst her sob. "She told me to talk to her only if I give her answers..."
"Hey—"
"I just want to hate her but I can't. It's not fair. Not fair at all."
Dinah heaved. Her friend have been like this- rambling, crying, whimpering- for the past hour and she's getting tired. She's getting tired seeing her like this.
"Mila..please give yourself a break."
Camila shook her head. "No. I don't want to."
Burying her face in her palms, Dinah thought if she should just resort to begging her friend to stop.
"I have been feeling this since childhood and I can't even give myself a break. My heart won't let me."
A knock on the front door averted Dinah's attention. She walked towards it and sighed upon realizing that her friend did not even paused on talking.
And she was baffled to see Lauren's older sister-Taylor-on her doorsteps, crying.
"Wha-"
"Please tell me Camila's here. Please."
Dinah blinked before nodding her head vigorously and before she could even invite the older woman inside her home, the latter was already in her living room, shouting? No. She was begging the brunette.
"Please..I need you to come with me..please!"
Camila released shaky breaths.
"W-why?"
Taylor sobbed. "Lauren..She-she's having a nightmare and no one at home can wake her up, even Luis. Even the doctor's antibiotics can't calm her. Please, please..."
Camila closed her eyes. God, this always happen everytime they argue.
"Camila...please..She's calling out for you."
******
Camila didn't know that she was already sprinting towards the raven haired girl's room upon hearing her first yells.
"NO! Please no! DON'T!"
"Lauren, honey! Please wake up!"
Unconsciously, Camila's eyes blurs before tears flowed.
"CAMZ!"
"God, Laur wake up!!"
"CAMZ! NO! CAMILA!"
And with one final push of her leg, Camila finally reached the raven haired girl's room and the scene that she saw stabbed her heart.
Mik-her dad and Chris-her brother- were holding Lauren up as she struggled on freeing herself, all the while her eyes were closed. But what were excruciating were the tears that continuously escaped the beautiful eyes, staining the milky white skin.
"CAMZ! PLEASE!"
A sob escaped Camila's lips as she dashed towards the raven haired girl, making the two men let go of their hold and just let the brunette embrace Lauren as tight as she could.
And just like that, Lauren's movements slowly ceased.
Sobbing, Camila kissed the raven haired girl's forehead, muttering soft prayers.
"Lo...It's ok..I'm here. I got you. I got you, Laur...always..."
And it as if Lauren was awake, her hands locked themselves around the brunette. Hugging back as tight as they could.
"Camz..." Her weak voice called out.
Kissing the raven haired girl's jaw, Camila responded. "I'm here and I got you."
Lauren unconsciously nodded. "Please...don't leave me..."
"I won't."
And the brunette finally felt relieved when the raven haired girl smiled.
"Camz..."
"Hm..?"
"...I love you.."
Came the usual unconscious confession and Camila always wonder if Lauren remembers her confessions upon waking up.
******
After an hour, Camila finally managed to leave the raven haired girl without the latter shouting and whimpering. She let out a lungful of air upon reaching the house's only balcony.
And she was glad to see Luis leaning his back on the wall. God, how she wanted to go home and rest her whole being. She had enough for the day.
"I need to go—"
"Stay."
Hearing the sadness in his voice, Camila stared at him, finally noticing the disappointment on his features. She closed her eyes.
"You know that's not a good idea."
"For her, please stay."
Camila shook her head before she sat on the nearest chair. She was dead sleepy and still, this happens.
"She'll be okay, trust me. So you must now stay by her side—"
"You're a good friend, Mila. No, I must say you're a perfect friend for her."
With a heave, Camila looked at the night sky welcoming the wintery wind. Thinking about how true the words are.
'Perfect friend.'
"I'll always be."
Luis nodded before looking at the brunette. "And because of this, I always wonder why me?"
Camila's breath hitch.
"You see, the first time I saw the two of you...I know that you guys are perfect for each other."
Biting her lower lip, Camila looked at the man who is now looking on the floor.
"And I always wonder if I could ever give her the relationship you two have."
"We're not—"
"I know..." Luis looked at the brunette, giving her a genuine smile. "But I've seen how the two of you interacted. Mila...I've seen the way she acts around you....and I see the way she looks at you..."
Camila averted her eyes upon seeing a flash of pain in his eyes.
"And witnessing her being like this once again...Seeing how she easily finds comfort from you..."
Camila closed her eyes.
".....now I know I can't compete to that..."
******
The brunette swears her head was about to crack due to the pain.
A minute ago, Luis asked her to stay by the raven haired girl's side and she agreed. She was then surprised when he patted her shoulder, telling her that he badly needs to go home and be alone. She can still remember how the man's eyes glistens with tears as he waved goodbye.
Camila stopped halfway the living room to massage her forehead. The headache's starting to get the best of her.
"Want some coffee?"
The brunette looked up to see Mike holding a cup of coffee and a glass of milk and so she gave him a grateful smile.
"I rather have the glass of milk, uncle. You know me too well."
Mike chuckled handing the said beverage. He patted the brunette's head.
"You're like my daughter so I must know you well."
Although that scared the brunette, still, she gave him a warm smile.
"You must. Eh? You're like my father, uncle."
"Then call me dad!"
Camila faked a frown. "I'm afraid my dad will get jealous."
"Hah! Let him! Let my friend get jealous!"
Camila laughed along Mike before she excused herself.
"Need to see my daughter?"
"Yeah."
"Well get on with it and get some sleep."
Camila nodded, walking upstairs.
"And Camila, sweetheart?"
Stopping on her tracks, the brunette looked at Mike who was giving her an apologetic yet assuring smile.
"Lauren is just afraid...thought you should know."
******
Slowly closing the door, Camila walked beside the sleeping raven haired girl. She knelt and stared at the figure she had memorized at heart.
And as the brunette looked at Lauren, she can't help but reminisce. She can remember every single moment with her vividly, as if they were etched permanently in her being.
She can't help but to just close her eyes as they flashes, as if they were scenes from a movie.
Except that they happened.
They happened in real life and not just acted.
Camila's lips quivered before she let out a lone sob. She lowered her head on the bed sheets as her hands fisted.
And when a tear glided on her cheek, she finally let go for the second time.
She cried...
Because it is painful..
******
"Are you angry at me?"
"I can never do that."
"T-then we're good, right Camz?"
"Yeah..."
"I...I'm glad..."
"Lo, may I ask for a favor?"
"What is it?"
"I'll move in with you until your nightmares disappear but..."
"Camila..."
"..but may I move out afterwards..?"
"......"
"I mean...I just want to move back home, I—"
"I understand..."
"......"
"......"
"We are...we're good. Right, Lo?"
"Camz...we're better than that. We've been together since childhood. We can never separate."
******
The raven haired girl opened her eyes slowly and when she fully regained her consciousness, she was alarmed upon hearing the brunette's sobs.
Forcing her body to sit up, she held the brunette's hands with her own, earning the attention of the latter.
And when Camila looked up at her, Lauren knows her heart cried along.
"...Camz..."
"...L-Laur.."
And Lauren's vision blurred upon hearing the weak voice.
"I-'m so so sorry..." Camila cried harder and she can't help but to breathe in shakily. "....But I can't give you the answers you want..no..not now, please..."
A tear glided on Lauren's cheek and that's when she pulled Camila in for a tight embrace. She felt the brunette's body tremble within her hold.
"I-'m so sorry..."
******
"Tomorrow is the day, right?"
"Yeah."
"What do you feel about this?"
"It doesn't matter anymore."
"Yes, it does!"
"......."
"It does to all who are involved and you know it."
"......"
"......"
"..I...I don't know what to do anymore.."
"I think, it'll be fair if she'll know.."
"It's not that easy, Dinah.."
"But you need to. She deserves to know, especially before she ties the knot."
"........"
"For her sake, God, tell her."
******
"Lo?"
"Hmm?"
"Have you ever felt that you finally found the one you want to share your world with?"
"I...I'm not so sure....why?"
"Because I just felt it.."
"Really?? When??"
"Just...right now..."
******
Camila looked up at a particular window upon parking near the home of the woman she loves.
Even if she couldn't see the raven haired girl behind those tinted glasses, she knows at heart that the raven haired girl is pacing around her room, excited or even nervous about the upcoming event.
Excited, huh?
Camila bit her lower lip as she blinked back the forming tears. She inhaled a lungful to calm the irregular beatings of her heart.
And when she heaved, that's when she left with quivering lips, failing to notice that silhouette just behind the window looking at her wistfully.
And when the window opened, Camila failed to see the teary eyes..
******
"Hey..."
"......."
"Hey, hey..."
"......"
"Lauren, dear! Will you stop pacing, I'm getting worried here!"
"But dad! She-She's not coming!!"
"And who told you that?"
"Dinah called me this midnight I—"
"Sweetheart, calm down maybe Dinah—"
"No, Dinah won't ever lie to me dad. She's my bestfriend as well and she cares for both Camila and I."
"That's not what I meant. Maybe Dinah's just mistaken—"
"Dad, she's serious. She won't call that late if she isn't. I know her."
"Then we can't do anything about tha—"
"N-no, Dad. No, Dad you don't understand!"
"Hey, hey, now, Lo please calm do—"
"I won't start the ceremony without her..."
******
"CAMZ!"
"Happy seventh birthday, Laur!!"
"Oh, what is this?"
"My present for you! Hurry open it!"
"How can I open it if it is a cake?"
"Oh, oh! Yeah haha!"
"Mila will always be Mila. Alright, let me just blow the candle!"
"WAIT! You need to think of a wish first!"
"Right...."
"......"
"......"
"......"
"SoooOO what is your wish?"
"Why will I tell you? It's a secret!"
"What! Not fair!!"
"Well, it is just fair! Maybe you'll know when the time comes!"
******
"Damn it!" Dinah almost threw her phone at the wall in front of her if Lauren hadn't held her wrist.
"S-still not picking up?"
Dinah nodded. "Laur, I think—"
"No, Dinah." Lauren sighed as she sat at the edge of her bed. "I-I won't start the ceremony without her..."
Dinah let out a breathless chuckle. "But visitors downstairs are starting to get worried! You're delaying it for about 30 minutes now!"
"..no..."
Dinah closed her eyes upon seeing teary eyes and quivering lips.
"At-at least let me see her before w-we start." Lauren blink as a tear escaped her beautiful green eyes. "I-I need to see her first...please..."
And Dinah could only look out the window forlornly as she tried calling once again.
******
"Camz!"
"Hey, Laur—"
"Happy 8th birthday!!!"
"Thanks—"
"What's your wish?"
"Will you grant my wish then?"
"Eh?"
"Can you?"
"I dare you.."
"What? Alright! Game on! So what's your wish?"
"..to..know your wish during your 7th birthday..."
"Oh..."
"......"
"......"
"L-look, if it makes you sad, just don't answe—"
"I wished for you to say you love me...m-more than a b-bestfriend..."
"Lauren..."
"......"
"....."
"....Camz?"
"..Hm..?"
"I..I granted your w-wish...w-will you grant mine..?"
******
"Lauren, sweetheart, please let's go downstairs, hm?"
It has been an hour, but Dinah including the Jauregui family can't force the raven haired girl to leave her room.
"No."
Mike pursed his lips as he looked at the Polynesian beside his daughter. "Where is Camila, seriously?"
"I'm sorry, uncle. But she doesn't answer my calls.."
The room's door then opened revealing a panting Chris. The other three looked at him with confusion and curiousness.
"G-guys.." Chris started breathlessly but his eyes shows excitement. "You really need to go downstairs real quick."
*******
"W-why would you want for me to c-confess?"
"Because I don't want you finding someone who can r-replace me..."
"Lo, you—"
"I don't want you to l-leave my side..."
"......."
"I..please...I want you to stay by my side throughout our lifetime..."
*******
"Tay, please don't do this?" Camila pleaded when Taylor called their guards. "This...This is my last chance..I, I just want to grant her wish..."
Taylor looked at the brunette with understanding.
"I-I just want to free myself...and I know this is the right time..."
"Mila, what you're doing is dangerous..."
Camila let out a weak smile. "At least she'll know..."
Taylor finally heaved, defeated by the brunette's determination. She gave the latter a smile. "Alright, I support you then—"
"Camila!!"
With a comforting smile, Camila looked up to see the beautiful raven haired girl up the stairs along with the others.
Her smile warmed the other.
"Lo..."
******
"And who is that lucky person who you want to marry?"
"That, you need to find out yourself."
"Do I know tha—"
"Oh, you know that person so so much.."
******
Lauren's eyes blurred upon seeing the beautiful brunette looking back at her downstairs. She badly needed to be beside the latter and hold her. She knows it.
But when she was about to saunter downstairs, she halted.
She did not notice at first, but now she could clearly see it. Behind the brunette, intimate words flashes on that big screen hanging on the wall.
And when the raven haired girl looked back at the brunette, she saw the words again for they were etched and scattered on the latter's shirt and jeans. They were printed on each available space.
And when Camila smiled at her sweetly, Lauren knows that she is loved.
She let out a breathless sob but it still resonated throughout the house for every soul didn't dare make a sound, just witnessing the loving scene as if it was from a movie except that it isn't.
"Lauren?"
Tears finally freed themselves.
Camila bended on one knee as her hand found her loudly beating heart.
"I love you."
******
"You felt it just right now?"
"Uh-huh."
"Eh? With who???"
"Oh don't worry, you know that person so so much.."
******
"Hey, Luis! Where are you going???"
"Chris, I know you know already that this engagement will not continue from the start. You're a very clever boy."
"So you're giving...up?"
"I already gave up the first time I met them and you know it."
"I know..."
"......."
"...You won't..talk to her..?"
"We already did..."
"......."
"......."
"...You're a good man Luis."
"I always am."
"...Yeah and thank you..."
"Chris?"
"Yeah?"
"If you guys need any help from me, don't hesitate to do so, alright?"
"I know.."
"See ya guys, then."
"Yeah, see you.."
******
"Hello?"
"Laur? It's already midnight. What's with the sudden call..?"
"Luis?"
"Yeah..?"
"Camila...Camz won't come and I—"
"Hey, hey are you crying? Please don't."
"But she's not coming! I don't know what to do—"
"Lauren...please...not now..."
"I d-don't know w-what to do anymore..."
"I understand..."
"......."
"......"
"Luis..?"
"Hm?"
"I-I am so so sorry..."
"Don't worry, Laur. I totally understand."
"I am so sorry but I just need her—"
"So...I guess this is it then..?"
"I-I need her...The whole of her..."
"You always do, starting from the moment you met her. You told me remember?"
"Y-yeah..."
"..And you said you can't be without her, right?"
"...Luis..."
"Lauren, thank you for giving me a chance..."
"......."
"Please don't cry..."
"......"
"Don't cry for I know this moment will come..."
"Luis...Luis..?"
"Hm..?"
"We're still friends, right?"
"We'll always be...but Laur?"
"Y-yes?"
"I still take this engagement day as my chance with you."
******
Camila doesn't know what to do. She kept on thinking if she is doing the right thing for the woman she loves is crying. She's crying and she is the reason why!
Camila bit her lower lip as she clutched her left chest. The beatings of her heart started overwhelming her.
And so she said the words she knew are right at the moment.
"I love you and I'm so sorry..."
The brunette then was alarmed when Lauren suddenly sobbed and started running towards her.
And for the first time since they met, all her worries disappeared when pair of warm arms engulfed her tightly.
She felt her heart being claimed.
"Camz...."
Lauren whispered in between sobs.
"Camila Cabello...I—"
Tears started to blur Camila's vision.
"...I love you...all of you..."
And Camila finally let go of the ropes she's tying herself with... She finally let go...
She cried...
Because she's finally happy with her.
END