Out in the black, man ain't got much use for time-keepin' 'cept knowing when he has to meet another man for work, or when he can expect fresh coin in his pocket. Or if a lady has a birth date she wants you to keep a hold of. That can be worth a man rememberin' for sure.
But 'sides all that, a man like Jayne Cobb tended to just eat when his belly told him to, and slept when he felt no need for bein' awake no more. That was all he cared for how the days worked; there were too many worlds, with too many months and years to think on. The 'verse spun on its own time.
Shame not all folk felt the same.
"Doc!" he barked as he stomped inta the infirmary. He was loosin' his touch – Doc didn't so much as flinch any more when he came a-hollerin'. Well that just irked him furthersome. "That Moonbrain sis a yours has jacked her meds in again," he growled, wavin' whatever knife he'd happened to have in his hand when he'd got hisself all riled up. "She needs fixin'."
Tam just stared at him like a fay-fay duh pee-yen, raisin' his pretty brows and droppin' his jaw like a gorram goldfish. "I'm sorry," he said, all mannered like a good core boy despite years being in the black with 'em all, and a good old villain at that. He did his fair share a thievin', and weren't no fancy words that could make his slate clean again after the way they'd all pissed off the Alliance with what Moony and Mal let loose on the Coretex. Still, he carried on anyhow. "Exactly what are you referring to?"
"Moonbrain," Jayne snapped. "That mini-Tam a yours, River, she's jabberin' on about Earth-That-Was, sayin' she figured the dates right, an' now her an' Kaylee are coverin' the cargo bay in sissy twinklies."
Simon sighed, like Jayne were the one not makin' no sense, an' shook his head. "Okay," he said all defeated. "Maybe just...show me?"
Jayne shrugged and swung hisself out the door again, headin' right to where he'd left the sound a squealy grown women turning his work space inta a kid's playground.
There weren't no sound now though as he lead the Doc back inta the hold, only Kaylee sittin' under all them tiny white lights they'd loped around the cargo bay – the kind like she had outside her bunk – sittin' there as Moonbrain twirled all eerily in the quiet on her tippee-toes.
"Wow," said the Doc, impressed, which Jayne weren't too happy on. "You girls did all this?"
"Baobei!" Kaylee cried, jumpin' up an' kissin' Simon like she ain't just seen him at breakfast. "Do you like it?"
River quit twirlin' and skipped over to 'em too. "I did the math ge-ge," she said, all proud of herself, which was kinda unfair as it made it harder to be mad at her. "Allowing for temporal displacement and bad book keeping, it seems the birds are all in order, and we shall have a very merry time indeed."
"Huh?" grunted Jayne, but the Doc were smiling in all worryin' a manner.
"River," he said with a laugh, takin' Kaylee's hand and leadin' 'em inta the bay. "Are you saying it's Christmas?"
"Tomorrow is Christmas," Kaylee said, all smiles. It were hard to be mad at her an' all, so Jayne kept his grouchiness aimed at Moonbrain. "River's been tellin' me all about it." She poked him like she had a big secret, whilst Moony started her dancin' again. "She got all this stuff on Persephone last time we were on world," Kaylee carried on. "Says she wanted to give us all a big surprise."
"Naughty children never get any presents," River sang at them, pleased as punch with herself, but Jayne just folded his arms.
"Ain't no sensible person got use for some gos se like Christmas out in the black," he told her as she leapt those long legs a hers. "Just some fei hua to get folks spendin' money they don't have."
The Doc laughed at him though. "Jayne," he said fondly. "Christmas is about family."
"And we got plenty a that, don't we Tross?" the Capt'n called down at River as he pranced down the stairs to where they stood.
"Aye, Capt'n," she said in that creepy Badger voice she did, bowin' at Mal with a wink. "That right we do."
Mal came an' stood by 'em all, takin' in the twinkly lights an' noddin' his head like he ain't seen nothing so special afore in his life. "It's been a long time since we had ourselves a celebration," he said in appreciation. "I think maybe we could have a little Shindig?"
Jayne's ears perked up at that. "You mean like boozin' Capt'n?" he asked eagerly.
Simon rolled his eyes. "How about a nice meal, I think we may even have some real meat left over from the last supply run?"
"Sounds mighty fine," Mal said with a little bow.
"And how about singing?" Kaylee piped up eagerly. "And games, and presents."
"And four swans," said Moony, hoppin' on her toes, makin' her dress swirly. At least she wore proper dresses now, Jayne thought with a snort, even nice ones that Inara gave her that had sparkles on them. She was less creepifyin' when she at least looked like a woman, and not a girl.
Only a little less.
"What are swans?" Kaylee asked with interest.
Simon chewed his lip and watched his sis swish her arms out in a way Jayne was findin' it hard to look away from. Dancin' was for stampin' yer feet, not this flimsy nonsense. "A big white bird, from Earth-That-Was," he said. "I don't remember it having anything to do with Christmas though?"
River just grinned at him, an' Jayne reminded hisself that under all the crazy, she had a whole lotta brain goin' on in that skull. "Twelve days and counting," she said, which he guessed made some kinda sense to her.
"Who says we do some cooking?" Simon asked, getting a cheer from Kaylee and makin' Mal grin like a gorram xiao gou.
"There's more of River's goodies in the kitchen!" Kaylee cried, tugging Simon out of the bay.
Jayne huffed. At least if they all cleared out, he could get some work done in peace on the mule. Maybe even lift some iron, that usually made him feel better when he was twitchy and there weren't no one around for him to shoot at.
Truth was, if he was honest with hisself, the girl had been seemin' to go out of her way to make him twitchy lately, in all kindsa ways. She kept sitting with him when he cleaned his guns, or babblin' at him at the dinner table, tellin' him stupid stuff he ain't got no interest in hearin'.
An' then there were the dresses.
She were a Moonbrain, the Doc's sister and Mal's very favourite which was as good as being a sister. So why, when she started wearing pretty dresses, and not talkin' so crazy, had Jayne found her in his head all the ruttin time?
She was in everyone else's heads of course, part of what made her special, but she says she don't poke around none less she has to. 'Cept, the way she's looking at Jayne now, and it's just the two of them, he wonders how truthsome she's bein'.
"What you smilin' at girl?" he growled as she quit dancin' and started walkin' over to him, like she had a real good secret. "You ain't getting' me involved in yer Christmas nonsense."
"Jayne is very silly," she told him sincerely, like he were the kid, not her. Not that she even were a kid anymore, she was a woman, he knew, full an' grown. But...well, his belly squirmed when she looked at him like that, and he weren't sure it were right. "He's already playing along."
She pointed over his head, an' he looked up. As well as the twinkly lights, it looked like she'd taped up some kinda greenery, with flat oval leaves and clusters a white berries. "The heck you get something like that girl?" he asked, genuinely impressed. "You buy that alive? It's a real plant?"
River smiled and swished her skirts. "Mistletoe," she said, like it meant somethin'. "A leathery-leaved parasitic plant which grows on apple, oak, and other broadleaf trees and bears white glutinous berries in winter."
He chewed his lip. "Okay," he said slowly. "So, why you puttin' it up in Serenity's belly?"
"It is Christmas tradition," she said, comin' even closer and makin' him fidget. "Does he know what that tradition is?"
He blinked, not likin' how she always made him feel dumb, but wantin' to know what she was tryna tell him. "The plant ain't the tradition?" he asked, and she giggled and shook her head.
"No, not all of it," she said. "Only half. Couples meet under the mistletoe, and it catches them in its power. There is only one way to escape," she added in a whisper.
Jayne's eyes shot up to the plant again. "Girl," he snarled. "Is this thing dangerous?"
She rolled her pretty brown eyes. (It was okay to say they were pretty, it was just the way they were.) "Not if the girl shows him how to defeat its magic."
He scowled at her. "Ain't no thing as magic, Moony," he said, sure enough a that.
"There is at Christmas," she told him in earnest, steppin' even closer. Jayne woulda backed away if his rear weren't up against a stack a crates. "There's always magic at Christmas. Can she show him, or is he scared?"
He bristled in indignation. "Jayne ain't afraid a nothin' little girl," he said. "He's big an' tough an' mean."
She smiled at him, like she were pleased with his answer, like that was what she wanted to hear. "So he can close his eyes for the girl then?"
Jayne swallowed. The girl was pretty an' a little less crazy sure, but she was also a gorram killin' machine that once upon a time didn't take too kindly to old Jane an' his messed up ways. But he'd told her he weren't scared, so he just huffed, and did as he was told.
He shut his eyes.
He doesn't hear a sound, not a flutter, but then there's suddenly a warm touch to his lips.
She's kissin' him.
His eyes fly open in shock, not quite able to wrap his brains around it as she steps back, pleased as punch, hands behind her back and a smile glowin' on her face like she was a star in the black. He knows he should shout at her, should call the Doc and tell him his sis has finally lost her last marble. But he don't do nothin'. He just blinks and watches as she smiles even more, steppin' back into the cargo hold, all shadowy thanks to the only light being hers' and Kaylee's twinkles.
"You see Jayne Cobb?" she asks, her voice soft and fluttery. "Now you are free from the mistletoe's spell."
He didn't feel free. He felt rooted to the spot.
River looked up just afore the music started, like she knew it was comin'. Jayne guessed she probably did. It were classical, the kind he normally hated with flutes an' strings and fooferah, and he guessed if anyone was to blame it had to be Inara. She never stopped tryna dump what she called 'culture' on top a their heads.
But the way little River Tam lit up to this music, standing on her tippee-toes again and holding her arms gently out, like she wanted to hold hands with invisible friends either side of her, it was kinda...nice. Jayne almost forgot to be mad at her for her Christmas and twinkly lights and soft, sweet kiss.
"What's going on here?" Zoe asked, holing baby Emma in her arms as she and the rest a the crew came slowly into the edges of the bay, watching as Moony picked up her feet and flicked them just right in time to the tune.
"Four little swans," River said, catching Jayne's eye as she twirled. He felt somethin' creep in his belly that he knew ain't had no right to be there, but he didn't push it away. It didn't matter the others were here too. She was dancin' just for him.
"It's Swan Lake," Inara said, coming out from her shuttle. "River asked if I could find it on the Coretex and play it for her."
"Yes," Simon said slowly, Kaylee wrapped up in his arms in front a him, an' both of them grinnin' like bendan. "She did a recital when we were children. It's a ballet."
Jayne didn't care so much what it was called. An' he didn't care if it made him a little sly to admit it, but seein' Moony do the same moves as before, but now perfect with the music in their ears, well hell if it weren't beautiful.
And if he could get a kiss or two more outta it? Maybe this Christmas thing weren't so bad after all.
The End
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Mandarin Translations:
Fay-fay duh pee-yen – Baboon's ass-crack
Gorram – God damn (Regular slang, not Mandarin)
Baobei – Sweetheart/Precious baby
Ge-ge – Big brother
Gos se – Crap
Fei hua – Nonsense, rubbish
Xiao gou – Puppy
Ruttin – Fucking (Regular slang, not Mandarin)
Fooferah – Frills (Regular slang, not Mandarin)
Bendan – Idiots
Sly – Gay (Regular slang, not Mandarin)