I hit the ground and grumbled to myself when Jean released the chair pinning me down. She put it back into its spot in the corner with her telepathic powers and sighed. "You're pushing yourself too hard. You need to focus on fighting," Jean stated in a soft tone and helped me up off of the floor.
"What do you think I've been trying to do?" I scowled. I took my gloves off and wiped the sweat off of my hands onto my shirt. Aggravating. Everything was so aggravating. The fear, the emotion, I finally had to let it out or I would completely lose my mind. "Beast, you're up."
Jean watched me with dismay and worry, but didn't intervene. Dr. Henry Philip, or commonly known as Beast, gladly stepped up to the plate, wearing his yellow and black X-Men pants. Multi-shaded blue fur covered his entire body, fluffing up and giving him a stronger silhouette. His blue eyes wandered over to me, causing a small smile to form, revealing his fang-like teeth. His ears pointed up and twitched as his sharp claws came out of his oversized fingers. "I haven't trained in a long time! It reminds me of my long-since passed years as a football player."
"That's something I didn't know about you," I tilted my head in acknowledgement and went at him. He dodged my punch by shooting off to the side and watched me stumble for a second.
Beast chuckled to himself and waited for me to strike again. He shot a playful smile and it vanished when I kicked him. He barred his teeth and went to claw me, but didn't manage to do so. He swung his arms a few times, trying to capture me when I went to dodge it. He learned the way I moved. Left, right, left, left. He managed to catch me off guard and his paw smacked into my arm. My elbow cracked and my arm ached. I cried out and went for a punch to the face.
Beast moved to the right, and I aimed a kick at him. He stepped back, and I kept following his moves trying to kick him. Soon, he was backed up against the wall and I managed to swipe his feet from underneath him.
He fell to the ground and rolled over when I went for an elbow to the chest. I hit the ground and grunted, but kept pursuing him. He was a professional wrestler and probably new all the moves. That was something I didn't take into consideration.
Beast leapt at me and clawed my leg. Blood hit the floor mat, but I ignored the pain and caught his other hand. I kicked him in the chest, sending him across from me. He retaliated with a few kicks. Miss. Punch. Miss.
As we fought, flashbacks of every horrible thing that's happened flickered through my mind. My parents dying.
I went in for a side swipe. Miss.
The government hunting us down. We all were caught one by one like animals.
Punch. Miss.
Peter's arm getting ripped off.
I had to physically restrain myself from using my powers to my advantage.
The sadness and guilt were fueling me. I had to fight. I had to stop anything from happening in the future, but how could I? I am one measly person. I couldn't stop the bad things from happening. I couldn't stop fate.
Kick. Miss. I leapt at him and we both fell to the ground.
This went on for about six minutes. We wrestled and fought, but none of us could gain victory. Jean and Colossus watched from the sidelines, talking amongst themselves and glancing at me.
Beast rolled over and got me into a headlock, his oversized arm around my neck. I gasped for air and struggled to get free. His big leg wrapped around my torso and trapped me there. My face turned red as my lungs constricted from lack of oxygen. I coughed and attempted to push my way out, but it was no use.
I failed again. I failed.
I tapped his arm as a sign that I give in. He released me and I coughed a few times while laying on the ground. I was ashamed. How could this happen? Am I losing my game? Am I putting too much anger into this? I contemplated and pulled myself together. I propped myself off of the ground and was forced to stand up. Failure only made the blood in my veins boil. Failure means death. I can't allow any more pain.
"You should rest," Jean spoke up from the sidelines. She calmly stepped towards me and watched how I tore myself apart from the inside. She saw my pain and struggles, but she didn't bring it up. Her green eyes said it all.
I shook my head adamantly. "No. Let's keep going." Sweat fell off my brow and slid down my cheeks. I wiped some of it away with the back of my glove and made sure my hair was still in a tight ponytail.
Beast ruffled his sweaty hair out and stretched. His muscles ached and he yearned for relaxation. He agreed with Jean, "We've been training for two hours. You need to relax."
"I can do it," I said through gritted teeth. I jumped around a bit from side-to-side, holding my hands up in defense mode to keep my blood pumping. "Bring it on."
Colossus glanced around at the other two X-Men with wide eyes and focused back on me. He shook his hands and his rich Russian accent flowed with his words, "I don't want to hurt you, Lilly."
"You won't hurt me, Colossus. This is all just for training. Give me your best shot," I encouraged him and smiled. Colossus loved training, but he was always afraid to go too far and accidentally hurt someone. I wouldn't take it to heart. I needed this.
Colossus hesitated and took the first punch I sent his way like a champ. I sent one punch after the other, using him as a punching bag to take out all of my anger. All of my sadness. My guilt. He stood there and let me take it all out on him.
I was mainly angry at myself. Heroes were not supposed to let so many die. Heroes would never join the enemy corporation and actually kill people. Heroes don't enjoy the adrenaline rush when fighting and killing. Heroes don't use their powers to hurt others. I've done all of those. I've let people down. I've hurt them. I've killed them. I wasn't a hero. I wasn't a villain. How could I hide behind the good I've done when I haven't made up for all of the bad? Tears fluttered down my cheeks, but could easily be mistaken for sweat.
Colossus wrapped me into a hug and I punched at his chest more and more. I didn't want a hug. I just wanted to fight. I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to feel the pain I've inflicted on others to get over what I feel. I wanted to just free myself from all the emotions. I yelped from emotional pain and kicked him away from me. My foot and hands ached from hitting metal, but I didn't care. I used my powers to hold his metal arm back and twisted it slightly. He cried out, causing my eyes to widen and release my hold on him.
Colossus gave me what I wanted and punched me in the gut, sending me flying into the wall. His hand flew up to his mouth in shock and he apologized several times. He asked me if I was all right and I simply nodded.
I stayed on the ground for a bit, closing my eyes and taking in the moment for a second. My heart pumped quickly in my chest and I felt like I couldn't catch up. Thoughts and memories sped through my mind. My sore limbs ached and exhaustion clawed at my eyes and brain. The fire inside me persisted; I had to keep going. I could do it. I couldn't use my powers, though. When someone pushes me, I push back. I can't stand down. I've stood down too many times already.
Peter and Steve strolled into the room and hung back on the wall near the entrance. Jean glanced over at them before turning back to me, gesturing to the bottled water in the mini fridge. "You need to hydrate, at least."
"No. Again," I commanded, putting my hands up in a defensive stance.
"You should stop," Beast put his foot down and looked at me sternly. A look of soft worry held in his eyes and his lips formed a slight frown.
Colossus reached towards me, but I quickly jerked back. He frowned and begged, "Lilly, please. You need rest."
The trio joined together and almost threw me out of the training room until Steve stepped forward. "I'll handle this," he said while taking off his shirt, revealing a white tank top. He stepped forward into the middle of the room, just feet ahead of me.
Steve eyed me cautiously and prepped himself. He steadied his breathing and stood there, allowing me to go in for the first punch. I missed and aimed a kick at his side. Success. My hand aimed for his chest, but he snatched my arm and twisted it. I grimaced and went in for another kick. He grabbed my foot and made me drop to the ground.
Thoughts sped through my mind and I punched the back of his knee. He fell next to me and rolled away from a punch I sent his way. He kicked me in the stomach and I groaned for a second. I forced myself up and waited for him to do the same.
We both went in for punches. I swung at him, he blocked it. He did the same and hit me a few times until I retaliated. Uppercut. Miss. Aimed for the rib cage. Miss. Punch to the arm. Success. Not enough. Every other punch I threw at him, he blocked. His expression showed pure concentration, eyes locked on me and his lips pursed into a tight line. I resisted the urge to use my powers, but with every missed punch only made me angrier.
He kicked me in the leg and his fist collided with my jaw. I cried out and was thrown backwards. I hit the ground and a pain soared up my back. My body was bleeding and bruised, but I still went back for more. This was training me to live through the war. Loki had too many villains on his side and I will not back down this time.
I ran at Steve and jumped on him, wrapping my legs around him and got to a vantage point where I could elbow him in the collar bone. He winced and grunted at the pain. He forced me up against the wall, only causing my back to ache more. I went for more punches, but he caught my hands and threw me onto the ground. He wasn't holding back at all.
Steve pinned me down, straddling me in the process. His fingers held onto my wrists tightly, his nails slightly digging into my skin. Steve's bright blue eyes stared at me in such dismay, while his eyebrows scrunched together to show determination. The muscle in his jaw flexed as he clenched his teeth together. His heavy breathing affected his speech, "Stop. Training."
"I need to! I can't keep failing." I huffed and felt his muscles tense as my hot breath hit his face. I struggled to get the next few sentences out of my throat, "I need to win. I have to protect my family."
"This isn't just about you, Lilly! If someone dies, it's a loss for the whole team. They're our friends too," he spit in my face. I scowled and attempted to throw him off of me, but he rooted himself to his spot. "You can't do this to yourself. The anger...it's not good for you. It will consume you, and then you're no better than the villains."
My breathing hitched and my hazel eyes peered into his with confusion. I scrunched my brow and I stopped fighting back. "No one's slate can be as clean as yours, Rogers. Not all of us are people who should be looked up to."
His eyes softened, but his expression still remained hard and determined. "Natasha said the same thing, and look where she's at now. She wiped the red out of her ledger, but she still carries the guilt. I see it." His tone softened as well and he stopped digging his nails into my skin. "I want to think you're going to go the same route as she did, Lilly, but if you let the anger get to you, you're going to turn on us to get the job done."
A pain struck my heart and I clenched my jaw for a split second. I grit my teeth. "You really think that lowly of me? That I'd turn on you guys?"
He huffed and sadness took over his features. He licked his lips and got off of me. "You're powerful enough to do it. I wouldn't be surprised if you left us behind to finish the mission."
It wasn't until then when I noticed the room had gone completely silent. All that could be heard was Steve and I's heavy breathing. Jean, Beast, and Colossus stared at us with little shocked expressions. Peter sat at one of the benches and looked at us with his mouth hung open. None of them actually thought Steve would say something like that out loud, or in front of them.
Steve offered his hand to help me up and I smacked it away. I stood up and wobbled on my feet for a moment. My muscles ached and screamed for rest. Blood still trickled from my wound. I could feel bruises forming all along my body. I felt like I had just lost my dignity. The aching inside only worsened. "Thanks for telling me what you really think," I said and limped out of the training room.