Chapter 19: Thanatos
The questions burst out of my mouth as soon as Apollo left her room like the floodgates after a storm. "How is she? Is she alright? Will Lily l-?" My voice sounded odd to my ears. I couldn't pinpoint the cause. Did I overuse it or something?
"Perfectly fine. Healthy." He interrupted me, clasping a tight hand across my shoulder in his way for a comfort, but his touch was too warm and familiar form my taste. "Well as healthy as a person can be after what she's been through. Her speech response is a little delayed, but that could be simply from how long she was asleep or from disuse. Yes, she'll be alright now that I'm here to keep an eye on you."
"You don't have go through the trouble-" The words rushed out as I tried to shake of Apollo. He would not be brushed off so easily.
"Nonsense. It's no trouble at all. Besides, it's obvious her wellbeing cannot be trusted with you." That hit home. Hard. Almost as hard as Lily's punches, but it hurt all the same. He was right, unfortunately, but did he have to sound so smug and bright when he said it.
"But those answers of hers seemed..." Concern that's what it was. Concern was changing my voice. Why? She's only human. She'll die soon enough.
But do you want her to die sooner rather than later? Something whispered. A voice. It startled me, but it was different from the voices of the dead. It sounded like me.
I don't. Not yet. Not ever if possible. What an odd thought. Impossible. She will die eventually. Sooner if she keeps trying. I don't want her to become a spirit. I need her light still. I told the voice. It didn't say anything back, but something about it felt oddly smug like it won something. It was madness to be arguing with myself at any rate.
"Crazy? You're lucky she isn't. Being locked up in that room alone for so long. What were you thinking?" Apollo chastised brutally. He had the nerve to cuff me up side my head. I had not expected that. "But, you seem better. More intelligent. So, you did something right. Though if you want her to like you, befriend her."
Only Apollo felt confident enough in himself to believe that I would not retaliate against him for his behavior. I wouldn't not unless he gave me a greater reason to. The foolish young god was one of the few who did not fear my nature and abilities enough to not interact with me. But, he was mostly right. Why would I want to destroy a god? It was tiresome and mess, the process. "Easier said than done. She despises every fiber of my being."
"I would hate you too if I was treated the way you've treated her. Please, if you are not going to let her go, do not leave her all alone from now on. The living are different form the dead.
Now, enough about her. Let us focus on you. What in the Depths of Hades did you do to her?" His tone did not match his words. Apollo should have sounded furious. I expected it with those words. Instead, his voice was as light as ever leaning on teasing. His grip around my shoulders did tightened.
How is that not about her? "I haven't done anything to her. If anything, she's done things to me. Do you know how sharp her fingers and teeth are?"
"Really? Then, Than, how do you explain why she is terrified to be touched. Why she had decided to hasten her journey to the otherside? Why is it that you called upon me in a panic when she was ill?"
"Ill?! She was foaming at the mouth! It was red with her blood. She was dying!"
"You forgot 'writhing in an agony so great, she was screaming without making a sound'; she was hardly dying. Bleeding out, yes. But, she was hours away from dying. She didn't choose the best poison, did she? But, that is beside the point."
A flurry of black feathers danced in a rage. "Beside the point? That is the entire point!" I shouted at him, ready to throw his ass back to Olympus. Ignorant, arrogant son of Zeus. I ought to-
"Whoa!" He chuckled unfazed. "Someone has a temper. I don't remember that before your mind turned." He had the nerve to sound indignantly surprised as he took in my flared wings. "You finally got around to caring for your feathers. It's been millennias. I'm surprise you hadn't ruined them altogether in you neglect." He reached for the wing nearest to him. I didn't bother finding out for what. As quickly as they appeared, I folded them away. Apollo was not here to play healer with me. "Are you going to answer me or what?" Apollo pressed.
"About what?"
"What did you do that she is scared of touch?"
"I did try to touch her aura once, I think. I don't quiet remember what happened. Only the feel of her fist smashing into my jaw." Thinking about it, I could still feel the echo of her knuckles connecting. Not once but twice.
"Curious." He mused scratching his chin.
"Is that all you're going to say? 'Curious'?"
"If she attacks you every time you showed yourself, how did you get close enough to touch or was that after your attempt?"
"She was sleeping, I think." I raked my mind for more, but it was a confusing mess then. There was something about an apple and a 'twitch' and "'Hurts-'? She said it hurt when she was still asleep. Then, she gasped awake, fist swinging." It shouldn't have hurt her. Impossible. So why?
His face was void of any joke or mischief as he listened. For once. Heat added to pressure of his hand before the whole lot disappeared the next second "Curiouser and curiouser." He jeered, flashing me a sneer.
"If you aren't going to be any help, leave."
"But, I've been plenty help. I saved her twice already." He trumpeted with false indignations.
"Twice? You must be wrong. You've only seen her once. How can you save her twice?"
"The herbs meant for your mind saved hers it may have been weeks, but I can still sense their effects working on her. Since, I gave you those herbs, I saved her twice-Smell them. How much did you dump into the bath? The whole pouch? She only needed a teaspoon. Oh, well no harm done. I'm only glad you didn't try to feed them to her. It would have been more effective than the buttercups. And more painful for her."
Thank the Beginning, I thought of the bath. "It doesn't matter now that she is...better...Why-... Why would she do that to herself? Why does she try to run away? And before that the scratches and bruises? And the attacks. Why would she try to kil-?...Why?" I ran a hand through my hair, nails scraping against my scalp as I raked my mind for an answer.
"You actually don't know?" He blinked at me incredulously. I could only shake my head no. "Zeus Almighty. That poor girl. No wonder she tried to die. I'm surprised she didn't try sooner."
"But she had food, water, space, warmth, and a place to sleep!" I protested. "And she still hates me. Still tried to..." A stone lodged in my throat at the thought. A shudder ran down my spine. Why? Why?! WHY! "Why would she..."
"Titans. You are slower than the humans. You kidnapped her. You set her friend free and kept her instead. You. Locked. Her. In. a. Room. Like a prisoner. Like an insane asylum's inmate! With the white, lifeless walls and everything else. She is a creature of colors and nature. Hades couldn't have assigned a more perfect torture than what you did."
Torture? But, it wasn't only the room. I was taking her outside as well. Lily seemed to like it outside. She would almost smile when she opened her eyes to the meadow. She was even closer to smiling when she was running. Running almost seemed like a game with her. She would run, and I would catch her. She would try not to get caught. She knew she couldn't run away from me. She wasn't fast enough. Almost but she never would be. I would catch her each and every time.
When I did, I would take her inside. I knew she didn't like going in. I could see in her eyes. The way they clouded over when she saw the room it knocks the breath from my chest. A hand closes over my throat and squeezes. Then, the fire and hatred would return and that fist would come swinging.
Who am I fooling? She hates that room as much as she hates me. Apollo was right it was torture. She screamed and broke enough things every time I bring her back in to be clear. I should have left her inside instead of shadow walking her in and out. I thought it would teach her not to run. If she stayed near, she would go out all day, every day. If she ran, back in she would go and stay in for several days.
Some days, Lily didn't run. She would stay in the meadow and enjoy the sun and the grass. I thought she was accepting it, learning. Then, the next time when I looked away for half a second she would bolt. I'd look back to see the tail end of her hair flickering into the wood's shadow. And the chase would begin again.
I don't even know how she knew when to run, but she always did. Was it really a torture for her?
Why else would she try what she tried...
Oblivious to my thoughts, Apollo continued onwards, losing his humorous tone the more he spoke. "What were you thinking? Leaving her all alone like that. Humans are social creatures even that one. I told you to connect with the living not make a companion to your madness. If she was left to your 'care' any longer... I shudder at the thought of the monster you would have created."
I couldn't hold back a shudder of my own in. I knew exactly what kind of monster that was. I hoped he didn't noticed. How was I supposed to know how to care for the living? All I ever did was with the dead. "I thought if she didn't have a choice she would..."
"Thanatos. Thanatos." He tsked, throwing an arm across my shoulders. "The way to a girl's heart isn't Stockholming her. Or at least, not with that one. I never seen a more stubborn creature- Scratch that. Second most, but it's a close call. Do you know what you're Lily called me while I was mending her? 'Blasted sun-thing.' She was on the brink of death and she called me 'sun-thing.' She's a perceptive one. I'll give her that."
I thought you said she was hours from death, but who would know better but me. "She's not mine."
"Really? Then, what do you call a creature you cloth, feed, and keep for yourself?" He hardly gave me a chance for an answer as he pushed onwards. "Nothing? Doesn't matter. If you want her to love you, you cannot leave her all alone. You need to start by befriending her."
"Who said anything about love?" I snapped. Despite myself, I could feel a rare flush of blood warm my checks. "She human. She'll die eventually. There isn't any point in becoming attached to her." I continued gruffly, even though the mention of her inevitable end twisted something in my chest.
"It's as obvious as the blush in your checks. Hopeless. I know! Give her something. Something with a heartbeat. A puppy! Every girl loves puppies." Apollo called over his shoulder as he got ready to leave. His mind was already on other things. Who did Lily remind the sun god of? Her demeanor is so familiar... "I'll be back in a week or so to check on her. Can't trust you with her well-being, it seems." He threw over his shoulder before leaving in a flash of light. The words pieced deeper than he probably had meant with that light tone of his. The guilt and shame bubbled up, like black bile.
With Apollo finally gone, I wanted to see how she was for myself. Alone. I was risking facing the ire I was sure to meet by walking into Lily's new room so soon of her waking but I needed to see.
Thankfully, I found her curled up on the hammock under the warmth of the sun, sleeping deeply. She was nearly a human ball she was so tightly curled. A smile twisted my lips at the sight of her somewhat peaceful face. Maybe, she'll be happier now. She did like the trips outside. I thought as I stopped short of the hammock's edge. They were nice when she wasn't trying to run away. It was nice when she wasn't glaring. Too bad, she won't be going down to the meadow below anymore. I hope the free use of the balcony will be enough for her.
Even in sleep she was a ball of steel and wire. Maybe... I pushed the thought away before it could really form, pulled my hand away from touching her shoulder. Something told me it wouldn't be enough for her. Maybe...
I tried to distract myself with another. A puppy? A bouncing puppy does not suit her. I decided. It seemed like a too dumb and overly excited creature for her. It would probably only annoy her with its antics and noise making. A dog needed room to run and play, and a smaller breed was yippy and clingy.
Then, I remembered her pictures. So many of them were of animals. I summoned the large stack with a wave of my hand. Another wave and all the animal drawings floated before me. Several wolves, a stag, various birds, many felines both large and small. One particular picture of a silvery white tiger with a dark haired, silver eyed fairy riding its back caught my gaze.
A tiger might be a bit big, but cat should work. Where am I going to find a cat that will let me get near it enough to bring here? I thought as I left the room of the sleeping girl with an aura so bright, it had pierced through the darkness of my mind not too long ago.
Not only my mind.
Author's note:
Good Whatevers, my Lovelies!
Tell me what you think, my unfortunate readers.