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I could sing! I could sing for the first time in two months, and I wasn't passing up any opportunity. I sang whenever it was appropriate and whenever it probably wasn't. In the shower, in bed, making dinner, in the taxi...If there was a moment, I seized it and didn't let it go.
This annoyed a lot of people. Chris, for example, hit me round the head with one of the cushions from the sofa in Number 4 when I insisted on singing along to the jingles on the radio we had playing at the time. Freddie slapped a hand around my mouth in the middle of a shopping centre trip we did because apparently its not OK to belt out a random chorus of Oh Happy Day whilst eating a chicken sub at the same time.
One person who didn't seem to be that hacked off by my singing was Nate. This surprised me - lately, everything I did around him earned a scowl or a roll of the eyes. But not singing. I don't know why. Maybe he liked me singing. And maybe pigs can fly.
Something that was annoying me was the constant presence of Robyn. She attended every rehearsal, insisted on sitting in my spot on the sofa and if there was a moment where she wasn't kissing Nate loudly and obviously in a small corner of the room, she considered it wasted. Don't get me wrong, she was still one of the nicest people I'd ever met, but honestly, she was really only OK in moderation. Like chocolate or Evanescence.
I was singing in the apartment a few weeks after the whole photo shoot, first date with David shebang, when a knock on the door interrupted my intense warbling.
I yanked it open to find David grinning. We had, for lack of a better term, been going out. As in, there had been a few more dates and I had enjoyed them all a lot. I smiled and pulled him into the room.
"Hey," I greeted him. "Dance with me?"
He rolled his eyes but didn't resist as we kind of danced about in front of the sofa to the Keane CD in the CD player. I sang along of course, and he nearly joined in. Suddenly, I remembered another man dancing moodily with me in this very spot, and it was Nate's hands I felt on my waist and Nate's chin I felt brushing the top of my head, and I heard You Really Got Me rather than Nothing In My Way.
I stopped, refusing to think those things, but David didn't notice my sudden discomfort. He dropped onto the sofa, pulling me down with him. Sat on his lap, I said, "What are you doing here?" Mostly to distract myself.
He kissed my cheek. "Can I not come and see my girlfriend just because I want to?"
I laughed. "Depends. Did you bring me food?"
"Aye, that I did," He said, lifting a bag from the floor.
I kissed him quickly. "Then yes, you can visit your girlfriend just because you want to."
Hopping up, I headed into the kitchen and slotted the waffles he'd brought me into the toaster. Waiting for them to pop, I sang along to Keane, fetching the honey from the cupboard. David followed me in and rested his hands on my waist.
"What are you up to today?" He asked, leaning his head on my shoulder.
I leaned back into him. "Rehearsal. You want to come?" I asked. This was the first time I'd ever asked him to go to Springbreak with me, and I surprised myself.
He sounded surprised as well. "Am I allowed to come?"
I spun around. "Why wouldn't you be?"
He shrugged, "I don't know. But rehearsals are always just you and the guys. I don't want to butt in."
I scowled. "Robyn's always there. You'll definitely be allowed."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
At Springbreak, David seemed nervous.
"What's up?" I asked him, stood outside the rickety front door of the oh so familiar building.
He shrugged. "I feel like I'm intruding. Like I'll mess up your song or something."
I rolled my eyes, and pulled him inside. "Come on. It'll be fine - its only rehearsal." Honestly, that was the most underrated thing I'd ever said. 'its only rehearsal'. Rehearsals were the best part of my life, but I wanted David to know that it was OK for him to be there.
He seemed to understand though. "No, its not. But I'm coming."
We headed past Danni, who threw me a careless wave, and down the stairs I had now walked down hundreds of times, into Number 4.
The guys were already there, and by the sounds of things it was going to be a difficult day. They were already in the booth, belting out Back in Black as if they were challenging AC/DC themselves. Nate's face had that intense look he always got when he was frustrated, Freddie was ripping off the guitar solo with a seriously deep frown on his face and Chris was thumping at his kit so hard he had a sweat going.
I raised an eyebrow at them as I chucked my bag on the sofa. I turned to David and said, "I'm probably going to look like I'm ignoring you for the next few hours, but honestly I just kind of lose myself in here. I'm just warning you so you don't get offended."
David laughed and said, "Its fine. I like watching you sing." And he kissed me softly, squeezing my hand.
I smiled and pulled away. "OK." I said, lamely.
I waved at Robyn, who was sat at the mixing desk, on my way into the booth. I hated the friendly smile she gave me in response.
"Rough day?" I said as I went into the sound booth. Then I reeled back. "Whoa!" I covered my nose - the smell of boy body odour was ridiculously strong. "Really rough day?"
Nate ignored me. "What's he doing here?" He snapped, eyeing David through the glass window.
"Don't be so snarly, Nate. He's here because he's my boyfriend and I asked him to come."
"Why?"
"Why is Robyn here?" I shot back.
He curled his lip. "I want her to be here."
Scowling, I retorted, "Well there you go then."
He turned away. "Lets go through I Need You."
Rolling my eyes, I said, "Nate, we've done it to death. We've got it perfect. We need to run through Let It Be if you really want it to become a regular of ours."
Ignoring me, he began to play the beginning chords of our second original song 'I Need You...To Shut Up' and so I sighed and began to sing.
Your words, they hurt but I don't care
Your fire, its all desire but its not fair
We used to laugh,
You used to tease,
Now you've got me begging on my knees
And I'm screaming at your face
And you're tearing down the place
This particular song was born out of one of many arguments between Nate and I. Although neither of us will ever admit it, the song kind of speaks about how our relationship changed after the kiss from hell. It was fast, edgy and angry - just how I wanted it right then. I directed the words right at him, wanting them too hurt him. And from the look in his eyes, eyes that refused to meet mine, I got my wish.
The chorus began slow, as slow as we could get it.
But if its all the same,
I need you,
I need you,
Oh, I need you, you, you...
I crooned the last, long note softly, sweetly, before putting all the spite and anger I could muster into the next words, when the song resumed its fast pace.
...to shut up!
Oh, I need you to shut up
Because I've had enough
You're just too much
So shut up.
I threw a scowl Nate's way and saw that he was glaring in my direction. I knew that glare; It didn't lead to anything good. He sang the next verse with equal fire as me, anger flaring in his eyes and contempt in his voice.
Your voice, its noise and I tune you out
Your trash, we clash, all we do is shout
We used to joke,
You used smile,
And I'm pulling at my hair
And you're saying you don't care
He ran his hands through his hair like in the song, and I knew that he definitely meant to hurt me just like I did him. And it worked. It was like we were really stuck in the lyrics, like they were dictating our whole relationship. His voice was more emotional than I'd ever heard it, but for all the wrong reasons.
But he began the slow part of the chorus, just as I did.
But if its all the same,
I need you,
I need you,
Oh I need you, you, you...
I went weak at the knees as his voice changed to delicate. Shivers ran up and down my arms and spine, and I just wished that I could have the same affect on him. It wasn't fair that even when we were mad at each other, he still had the upper hand. His voice. And it was clearer than ever when he launched into the faster, angrier part of the chorus.
...to shut up!
Oh, I need you to shut up,
Because I've had enough
You're just too much
So shut up.
He was actually looking at me now, and I could see his anger in his eyes, along with something else I couldn't identify. He scared me. Nevertheless, I continued with the song.
"Oh, you meant so much," I sang, the lyrics more powerful and aching than ever.
He faced me as he finished the lyric with me, "But you can pack a punch,"
I scowled at him, feeling like we were trying to out-sing each other. And I didn't like it, because Kick the Crown had never been about who was best at what they did.
So instead of screaming the next line at him, like I was meant, like I felt like doing, I sang them softly. Softer than anything else I'd ever sung, "There's still something here. And honestly, its something that I fear."
He closed his eyes as though he was fighting something. I was surprised when he, too, sang the lines softly rather than screamy. "I need you to work with me. Where's the girl I fell for? Where is she? Where is she?"
As he sang, the build up got higher and higher, until we were back to screaming the chorus at each other. I was filled with fire and so was he, I was scared and so was he, and in the end what was the difference between us anyway? How could I fight him anymore, how could I fight with him when his voice sent tingles up my back and his eyes told me to just give up?
The song ended abruptly, just like Meet The Monsters, and this time when it finished, I slammed out of the booth.
That was it. That was all I could do. I couldn't take it anymore, couldn't take the sneery look in his eyes when he looked at David, couldn't take the way he didn't take my suggestions for the band seriously, and the way we were pretending with each other.
"Where are you going?" He yelled, glaring at me through the glass window.
Grabbing my bag, I shouted, "Take the hint and shut the hell up, Nate. I've had enough of you!"
He stormed out of the booth in the same manner I had and then he was facing me and I didn't know if I wanted to slap him or kiss him...
"Lyra, calm down," David said, standing behind me and tugging on my hand. His voice jolted me back to Earth, and I scowled at Nate.
"Yeah," Nate sneered in a whisper, leaning down towards me, "Do what your boyfriend tells you to do, Lyra."
I slapped him across the face. The palm of my hand burned but I didn't let it show as David pulled me back from Nate and Nate himself touched the side of his face in disbelief.
"I mean it," I told him in a shaking voice. "I've had enough of you."
"So your going to walk out like you did on Psychedelic Disadvantage then. Going to give up before we've even started." He said in a dangerous voice.
Freddie walked out of the booth and faced Nate. "Back off, Nate." He growled, trying to yank him backwards away from me.
I shook my head, "No. I'm not leaving the band. I'm leaving the Studio at this moment in time so that I can clear my head and think of reasons why I shouldn't hit you again." I put as much spite and nastiness as I had in me into the sentence.
"I'm not scared of you, Lyra." He said, clenching his fists.
"I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to be reasonable." I said, holding David's hand so tight it must have hurt him, but he didn't let go.
"Since when have you been a reasonable person?" Nate spat. "If you were a reasonable person, I wouldn't have had to pull off your ex-bandmate off of you a few months ago!" He yelled.
I heard David's intake of breath. "What is he talking about, Lyra?"
I didn't answer, but Nate did. "Oh, didn't she tell you? Did she fail to mention that one?" He said. Robyn grabbed his hand, but he shook her off, malic glittering in his eyes.
"Why do you care so much? Why do you keep bringing it up?" I yelled. "What business is it of yours-"
"What business is it of mine? If I hadn't have been there, well, we all know what would have happened to you!." He shouted, ignoring Robyn's murmurs of the 'calm down' variety behind him.
Stomping forwards, I leaned closer to him. "I don't need you to protect me," I growled.
He leaned down and spat, "I don't want to protect you anyway."
Glaring at him, "Oh no, that's not the problem though, is it?" I was getting out of control, I could feel it but I couldn't stop it.
Sensing that I was about to say something we'd both regret, he glared in panic, "Lyra, don't-"
"I know what you're problem is!" I laughed. "How did I miss it?" I taunted.
"Lyra, just shut up. Don't bother-" He tried to yell over the top of me, but I was on a roll.
"You're feeling guilty because we kissed!" I screamed, and everyone besides Nate gasped or looked at us in horror or something of the sort - I was beyond noticing.
Nate's tone had changed. "Lyra,-"
"No! Listen to me for once, because I've worked it out! You're feeling guilty because we kissed, and now you're trying to make up for it by being a total jerk." I laughed in his voice. Then I turned to Robyn, "Oh, didn't he tell you?" I mocked Nate's earlier words to David. "Did he fail to mention that one?"
Then I saw that she had tears in her eyes. I sighed and kind of came back down to earth. "God, I'm sorry, Robyn. I shouldn't have said that, it was stupid-"
"But was it true?" She asked. She wasn't crying, she sounded brave, and she directed the question to both of us.
Looking at Nate, I saw that he was looking from Robyn to me. "I...We-"
"What you've suddenly run out of words?" Robyn said, the first time I heard her sound both mean and sarcastic.
I shook my head, and looked at Nate again. He had turned away from us both, his fingers knotted in his hair.
I backed away to the door.
"No, stay here! You can't just say something like that and leave when the going gets too tough!" Robyn yelled at me, but I shook my head.
"Talk it over with Nate, Robyn." I said to her. Then to Nate's back I spat, "You can tell the truth or a lie, I don't give a damn. It didn't mean anything anyway."
And then I stormed out of the Studio, ignoring Chris who called my name and Freddie who reached out a hand to try and stop me leaving.
It wasn't until I got outside that I realised that I was crying. Wiping away the childish tears, I ignored Danni's, "Lyra? What's wrong?" and slammed out of the door.
Leaning against the wall of the building, I took in a few deep breaths. Then I heard, "Lyra," And turned to see David had followed me out.
I sniffled and said, "Its OK. Nate and I kissed before there was anything between me and you."
He leaned next to me. "Then I don't care."
I looked at him. "Really?"
"Really. If it was before us, then it doesn't matter. What matter's is whether you think we should carry on." He said carefully.
I looked at him. "But don't you want to break up with me?"
He shook his head. "No," He leant over me. "I like you, Lyra. Really like you. But I need to know if-"
I silenced him with a kiss. "I like you too. Honestly, Nate means nothing to me. He's just part of the band. I promise."
He sighed. "OK."
"OK." I repeated. Then I wiped my eyes. "Will you help me get home?" I asked, relieved when he nodded.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The apartment seemed small, as if it sensed that something had happened. There was no music playing, and for once, I didn't rush to fix that.
I sat on the sofa, exhausted. David sat next to me, and kissed me softly. "Hey," He said, gently. "On the bright side, I really like the new song."
I laughed, even though I had forgotten the whole reason I had been at Springbreak in the first place; singing I Need You... To Shut Up felt like days ago now. David didn't know, he didn't understand that the whole song was about Nate and I, he thought they were just words forced to fit to music, written on paper.
There was a knock on the door, and I stood up. David squeezed my hand, but I pulled away. Yanking the door open, I felt my jaw drop.
"Dad?"
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I feel sad. This was a sad chapter to write, actually.
I hate it when they fight. But its a crucial part of the story so I have to do it. I just don't like it. Stay tuned though - I have a feeling there may be some good news next time!
Love you all - comment away! XMX