From Jerilee Kaye: Hey, sorry, this was a day late! Yesterday was crazy for me.
Anyway, of course, it's only right that this chapter should be in Ryder's POV. Some of you might not like what I did with this chapter, but if you read this, with the last chapter, and then with the next (after I update), I think it just makes it much sweeter.
For me, having this chapter will only enhance the bittersweet emotions and experience that the next chapter is supposed to give. (or at least I hope!)
Hey, I can scrap it altogether, but I would rather not. For me, as the writer, and also reader of this book, I prefer this chapter to be here.
@kickrox805 Thanks for your suggestion on the title. I will use it on the next. :D
Again guys, thank you so much for your comments and your votes. Please keep them coming! It's my routine now to check my notifications for your thoughts, your comments on the book.
Thank you so much for liking it! And yes, I love Ryder too! Astrid... well, who has experienced all the things she experienced, right? Some readers asked me to make her smarter. But being smart is not always the issue. It's also a matter of being stronger and braver. She's not really dumb. She's just stubborn and scared to death. So in a way, you will feel for her.
We have two chapters to go... I think.
Please keep on voting. Keep on commenting. Write to me! I love hearing from you! And you know I respond as much as I can. A lot of you have started following me. I will thank you individually as soon as I finish this book.
And please help me spread the Ryder and Astrid love story by sharing this!
Hey! Ryder does tend to make you wish he was real, doesn't he? :D
I love you guys! Xoxoxoxoxox!
35.
Wedding album. A collection of the snapshots and pictures captured during the wedding day. The Wedding Album holds all the memories of the most wonderful day between a husband and a wife.
Ryder.
I have to meet her. The girl I spent half a day looking for around the city! I thought I will never see her again.
“I’ll cover the bar, guys!” I told my bartenders. I took my jacket off and grabbed his baseball cap and wore it on my head. “Borrow for a while okay?”
He looked at me like he thought I was high or something and then he nodded.
I watched her. She was alone. Now, I wish I knew some pick up lines. Or I knew how to use them effectively!
But so far the only things that I can remember hearing around were:
‘Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?’
or
‘I lost my phone number, so can I have yours?’
and
‘If I say you have a wonderful body, will you hold it against me?’
That’s so lame and corny! Who invents these things?
And I doubt any of them are going to work on her.
Damn! I am not good at this!
She ordered a margarita. Here’s my cue.
“The best margarita in town for the beautiful lady.” I said. Even I, thought that sounds creepy! “Can you sign, Ma’am?”
She didn’t answer. She was just staring at me. Her expression looked… I don’t know, star-struck or something.
Hmmm… I guess she likes what she sees. That gave me enough confidence.
“Can you sign, Ma’am?” I repeated.
“Oh.” She said and she signed the tab. I can’t help but notice that her fingers were slightly shaking.
“Thank you.” She said.
“You’re welcome Madam.” I said. “Enjoy your drink. Just call me if you need anything else.” I said, grinning at her, flashing her my perfect set of teeth and the dimples on my cheek.
Flirting. Yes, I am definitely flirting with her, and she looked dumbfounded.
“And what name would I ask for?”
There! We’re getting somewhere.
“Ryder.” I replied.
“Alright. Thanks, Ryder.” She said.
I stood there for a while, waiting for her to tell me her name. But she only smiled at me and I realized that was the only reply I was going to get. She’s teasing me. Alright! Two can play this game, I thought.
“Alright. Perhaps when I bring you your next drink.” I said, and I winked at her.
I felt like a high school boy reeling with excitement. What is it about this woman that unnerves me? She got under my skin the minute I laid eyes on her. And I can’t forget the feel of her in my arms. Although I doubt that she recognizes me from the jewelry shop.
She was talking on the phone with her friends.
“Find me a straight guy!” She said loudly over the receiver.
I smirked. I couldn’t help smiling. What would she need a straight guy for? She can have her pick here at the bar. Doesn’t she know how beautiful she is?
“You shouldn’t eavesdrop on other people’s conversation.” She said, not looking at me, but I know she’s talking to me.
I approached her. “I wouldn’t have, if your voice wasn’t that loud.”
“Oh sorry.” She said. “People talk loud on bars, you know. Well, you should know.”
“Yes, I know.” I grinned at her again. “So, what’s the quest for the straight guy for?”
“Not just a straight guy. But a straight guy who’s willing to do anything for a couple of grand.”
“You’re not doing porn, are you?” I asked, and God, I hope she says no.
“Oh my God! No!”
I sighed in relief.
“Now, I’m intrigued. What could a girl like you possibly need a straight guy for?”
And so, she told me the story of her life, with tears in her eyes.
For the life of me, I could not believe everything she told me. How can someone bear to hurt her? She looked so fragile, so vulnerable. She looked like she has so much light and fire inside her. How can somebody afford to put it out?
She wanted her pride back. She wanted to save her face.
And I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I was agreeing to her plan, letting her think I was a bartender in need of extra cash.
If I was not so touched by her breakup story, I would have laughed.
She wanted to bring a guy to the wedding who can pretend that he is smart and rich, wears an Armani suit and drives a very expensive car.
Harvard Degree, investments here and there. She’s inventing the man who will annihilate her ex-fiancé’s pride. She wants to redeem her dignity by showing up at the wedding with a man that is like a slap in the face to her ex, even if he was just pretending.
Well, that would be very easy for me.
Because... basically, she wants me to pretend to be… well… ‘me’.
***
The feel of her lips on mine was… magic. It was like there were fireworks everywhere.
All night, I felt myself drowning into our charade. I cannot get my hands off her. I hold her and kiss her, praying that this day never ends.
Her eyes sparkle when she looks at me. She erupts like a firecracker in my arms when I kiss her. She genuinely laughs at my jokes. She was not afraid to show me that she feels hurt and she needed me to hold her. She needed me to save her.
And she doesn’t even know who I was. She was parading me to her family, saying that I am the rich hotshot guy who owns a chain of restaurants in New York. She thought that was part of the act. I wonder how she’ll react if she finds out… that’s who I really am.
Here she is, kissing me, hugging me. Ryder, the bartender. And she didn’t care. It’s me she wants, regardless of what I am.
She had too much to drink and she was hugging me, holding me. She was drowned and drunk on both the liquor and her grief. But I admire her. No one could go through all this pain and live to tell about it.
Then she started crying. She hugged me. And the next thing I knew, she was kissing me.
I didn’t want to take advantage of her. She was sad and drunk. But she’s a cannonball in my arms. I can feel her heat radiating to my skin. Her kisses are sending me over the edge. I tried to hold on to my last string of control. But when she pushed me on the bed and mounted me, I lost it! I was only human, and my body craves this woman like a drug.
I kissed her. She melted in my arms. She was whispering my name over and over and it was the sweetest sound I have ever heard in my life.
We lost our clothes. I was lost in ecstasy. And when I went inside her, she squirmed in pain. I felt a tearing sensation. Damn! No wonder she was too tight. I leaned down and kissed her. She was crying.
“I’m sorry, love.” I said to her. But I know I wasn’t! This is probably the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. She was a virgin. She was mine first. I was the only one. And I know from that moment on, I intend to keep it that way…
***
I just got back to Malibu, and my manager told me that a woman was looking for me.
I was not really interested. There was only one woman I was interested in and I am getting impatient. I want her to get over her past, her grief. I want her to fulfill her promises so I can finally work my way in to her life. I want her to start fresh, fix herself and then open herself up to trusting another man again. And I wanted to be that man.
I want her to know the real me.
She wanted me. I know she does. Her eyes has a certain gleam when she stares up at me. She blushes at the simplest touch of my skin against hers and she went mindless with me that night. She wanted me. And she thought I was a bartender, desperate enough for money that I took the job of pretending to be her boyfriend for a night. But still she wanted me. And this was the woman I was looking for my entire life! It’s a good bonus that she’s sweet, beautiful, and her touch makes me explode.
I cannot wait to pay Astrid Jacobson a visit.
“Sir…” My bar manager said. “This woman was asking for you a couple of days ago. She left a message.”
I didn’t look up from the papers I was signing.
“She told me to tell you that… Astrid Jacobson was looking for you.”
Now, he got my undivided attention.
I stared at him for a while.
“Astrid Jacobson?” I echoed. He nodded. “You’re sure? Strawberry blond chick, enchanting violet eyes?”
Donald grinned. “Yes. Quite a breathtaking lady, Sir.”
So she found me.
Now, she knows who I am.
“What else did she say?”
Donald smiled at the memory of Astrid, and I wanted to punch him in the face. I controlled myself and raised a brow at him. He cleared his throat and said, “Well, she asked me to tell you that when she does find you, she cannot wait to… kick your ass.”
Oh! That’s why Donald was smiling. Feisty Astrid! God, as if I needed another reminder why I wanted her in the first place.
I called up Adam Ackers to ask… no… force him to tell me where Astrid is at that moment. After five minutes, he texted me her exact location and I wasted no time going to where she was.
I found her, talking to a man… a familiar man. Her ex-fiancé. Jealousy reeled through me when I saw them talking. Is she still not over him?
And then I approached them and heard what they were talking about, and I realized they were fighting. She slapped him and turned on her heel. Luckily, I was already only a foot away from her. She collided into me and I caught her in my arms immediately. Her blush told me how angry she was. I wrapped my arms around her and stared angrily at Bryans!
“I see you haven’t lost your touch, Bryans.” I said to him. “It seems you still want the things you do not have.”
“Are you really sure you have her? You don’t know her as much as I do.”
I raised my chin to him, feeling proud and honored, “I think I know her now more than any man does.” The translation of that in my head was, “She wanted me enough to offer me what she didn’t offer you!”
“I doubt she loves you that much!” He said. Translation in my head, “I’m the biggest fool for losing her! Now I want her back and I want you to give her up!”
“It doesn’t matter. I love her more than enough for the both of us…” I said. The real translation of that, if he's smart enough to decipher it, is "I am never giving her up so fuck off!”
She was still crying when I took her away. I let her. Then I tilted her chin up so she can look at me. I realized I missed her so much! It’s so not like me because I barely really know her.
“I was told you were looking for me… And I was told that you couldn’t wait to kick my ass.” I said. Her temper amuses me.
I didn’t see what was coming next. Her palm connected to my cheek in a force that sent my head flying sideways.
That should have made me angry but it made me want her even more! She was not thrilled with me now that she found out I lied about who I was.
“Ouch!” I took a deep breath. “I can’t say I don’t deserve that. Anything else?”
“Damn it! Who are you?”
And I was actually excited to introduce myself to her, as Ryder Van Woodsen, hoping she will be thrilled that the date she brought to that wedding was real. That I wasn’t pretending about who I am.
But damn! I should have kept my mouth shut!
When I told her who I was, she actually ‘hated’ me. And at the end of that night, she returned my ring. She loved it when she thought it was a cheap replica. But she found out that it was real, she didn’t want it anymore. And she wanted me less…
And worse… because of all that… I only ended up wanting her even more!
***
I knew I was crying even before I opened my eyes. I couldn’t help all the tears even if I tried.
Light flooded in the room, but it has already flooded into my brain even before I woke up. It felt like I have been sleeping in the dark. I was trapped there and I was struggling to find my way out before I entirely mess up my life… before I regret every single thing that I was doing.
Astrid. My love. My life.
I remember her now. Every single bit of her.
I remember that I was on my way to the airport that day. I just finished meeting my real estate agent in Manhattan. I was not supposed to come back to Malibu yet. But God, I cannot get enough of her. I want to sleep with her in my arms that night! And me showing up in our house that evening will be a pleasant surprise for her. I know she will not be happy that I was stretching my limits and spending too much on flights, but I know she will be happy to see me.
Astrid is driving my car. Living in my house. Our house. I warmed up to the thought.
I wanted nothing else but to have her move in with me to Manhattan. But until she’s ready, I will patiently wait. Because I meant what I said, I will never hurt her. She has to trust me and love me completely. And I will make her ‘ever after’ come true.
And then I felt the impact of the crash. Everything turned dark. And when I opened my eyes again, it was like I was thrown back to the past. And I have no recollection of the beautiful woman who my friends and my family referred to as the love of my life.
I remembered my conversation with Jake.
“I can’t love somebody I do not know, genius! That’s just the way I am. I will not fall for a woman that easily. She must have… I don’t know… given me a love potion or something. I am telling you. That woman is no different from the rest. She’s with me because she wants the life that I can give her. She’s already manipulated me… and you!”
“Ryder, when that cloud in your brain goes away, I want you to repeat this conversation over and over in your head and you will realize just how much I wanted to punch you right now! In fact, I believe when you do get better, the first thing you will want to do is, to kill yourself!” And Jake walked out on me.
And God, was he right! I wanted to hit myself with anything… just so I would feel the pain. Because I deserve it! I deserve a good whack in the head for everything I said about her… everything I said and did to her.
I promised her I would never hurt her!
“You’re a mercenary! How the hell you made me fall in love with you, I do not know. How you made me put my money on your business, I am also not sure. You must be really good in bed. I am usually not the type of man who can fall under a woman’s spell. And I stay away from girls like you.”
“Girls like me? What do you think I am?” She asked, clearly insulted.
I shrugged. “I don’t know you to judge you. But the last thing I want is to end up with a mercenary slut who is only using me to gain access to my bank accounts!”
“Mercenary slut? You’re calling me a mercenary slut?”
“No. I don’t know you well enough to judge you. I’m just saying I’m trying to stay away from women who only want me for what I am worth.”
God! She must have really wanted to kill me! I wanted to kill myself!
Mercenary slut?
That was the most ridiculous and most inappropriate description for Astrid.
For one, she’s not a mercenary! The only thing that stood between us was my money. If I was Ryder, the bartender, we would have been together a long time ago. But I was Ryder Van Woodsen. And she has this stupid idea in her head that she will be looked down upon and judged if she’s with me.
Boy was she right! She was judged, alright. She was looked down upon. By me! I was the first one to judge her, because she confuses me. Because I was trying my best fight my unexplainable need and attraction for her.
Slut?
It’s so funny, she must have been rolling on the floor laughing if she was not busy getting insulted by the word.
Astrid was a virgin when I took her. And she has not been with any man… except for me. I was her only one. I should have realized how lucky that makes me.
If it weren’t for me, she would have been pure… innocent. And I had the guts to imply that she’s slept around to get to men’s pockets!
I devised a way to help her back on her feet. Because I really did believe in her, I believe in what she can do. The idea of investing on her company was all me. I approached her cousin to help me out.
Her company was one of the things that made her happy and I took that away too, knowing that pulling my investment will cripple her. But I didn’t care!
Just as I helped her back up, I crushed her. I was taking away her spirit, after I took away her happiness… which I know now is… me.
God, she loved me. And I hurt her in more ways that I can imagine.
She didn’t want to trust me. But I made her. I made her fall in love with me. And in less than a week after she took a chance in me, she lost me.
It would have been better if I died in that accident. At least, she will live knowing that I loved her. She will always remember how much I care for her, how much of myself I will give to protect her. She would have gone on with her life knowing that she owns my heart, and that if love was enough for the two of us, I would always be beside her, making love to her, protecting her, making her laugh, promising to make her ‘ever after’ come true.
But what happened to us was worse than death. It tore us apart, when death would have been unable to do that.
I broke her heart. I insulted her. I looked down at her. I called her names she didn’t deserve. I did all that after promising her that I would never hurt her. After asking her to trust me.
She must have been worried sick when she heard about the accident. She must have feared losing me. I can imagine the tears she cried while I was at the operating room. And when she would have been relieved that I was out of danger, I open my mouth and fling insult after insult at her.
God, I hate myself!
Jake was right. Hand me a gun, I want to kill myself!
I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring. I stared up the ceiling, as if looking at the heavens. In my mind, I was shouting, “Why? Why did you do this to us?!”
And if I realized a second too late, that I was in love with her again, I could have been too late to save her from Bryan.
It was a different Bryan. Before, he only looks like a man who lost the woman he loves to a better man. He felt small, jealous and remorseful. The Bryan that attacked Astrid was a maniac who is determined to take what he thought to be his no matter what it takes. He was determined to destroy the one thing he wanted but could not have.
And I swear to God, I want to kill him for almost succeeding.
The door opened and Jake went in to see me.
I wiped the tears on my eyes, trying my best not to let him see what I was doing. But it’s pointless. Jake is a shrink. And moreover, he’s my best friend.
“You okay?” He asked.
I shook my head. “No.”
He smiled apologetically. “I thought so.”
“How long have I been out?” I asked.
“Doctors kept you out for three days. That will give you better chances in healing.” He replied.
I nodded but didn’t say anything.
“And I guess I don’t have to tell you the results of your test. You already know that.” He said.
I took a deep breath and I nodded slowly.
“Where is she?” I asked. “How is she doing?” I was almost afraid of his answer.
“They sent her home yesterday.” He said. “She got away with a few stitches on her forehead, and on her wrist and a couple of bruises. But she’ll be okay.”
I nodded, relieved that she got away from Bryan without a serious damage. But I know that the damage I caused her was far more difficult to remedy… and will take more time to heal.
“She was here. The moment she woke up, and well enough to stand up and walk, she’s been here beside you.” Jake said. “She was told that you came in just in time to save her.”
“Does she know… about the results?”
Jake shook his head. “No. We never told anybody anything. I figured that’s your job. And her friends weren’t sure whether you really got your memories back. They didn’t want to tell her anything… give her false hopes that you finally remembered her.”
I sighed. “Okay. Get me out of here as soon as you can. I have a hell of a mess to fix.”
Jake smiled at me. “I know how you feel right now. I know you want to kill yourself now that you remember everything, and realize what we have been telling you for months.”
I laughed humorlessly. “It’s a good thing you didn’t leave me with a gun.”
Jake reached out and squeezed my right shoulder. “It will be alright, mate. If anybody can fix this, it’s you.”
I hope that Jake was right. I hope that I can still fix this.
I heaved a frustrated sigh. “I just hope I’m not yet too late.”
***
From Jerilee Kaye:
Okay, that was short and sweet. I know. Don't hate me okay? I'm trying to work as fast as I can . :D Tomorrow, hopefully I can upload the next chapter. :D
Please like and vote and share! I would appreciate it! Xoxo!