(( this chapter is probably gonna be pretty sad, because y'know, feelings n shit, so here's a smiley frank to look @ beforehand.))
...
Gerard
Fuck.
I'm such a wreck.
I just couldn't stand how my father looked at me, as if he hadn't raised me for 18 years. As if he didn't know me. He was fragile and pale in the moment, yet his eyes held an intense strength still. That strength was directed towards me, and I felt extremely uneasy. But, he didn't talk about what I thought he would. He never brought up Frank, or asked where I had been.
Instead, my father told Mikey what he was in charge of while he was in the hospital, not even bothering to appoint me as someone who lived in that house. I asked him how he felt, and he replied with weak responses. He wouldn't look straight at me while we talked.
It kinda hit me hard, how sick he really was, and I just can't live with myself if the last days of his life, he's treating me like I committed a crime.
But now it's not just my father's eyes haunting me, it's Frank's as well. The way they became glassy and dim, and I couldn't help but notice he brought all his strength together to not let the drops fall from his eyes. I wish I hadn't noticed, because then I wouldn't envision how many tears have fallen from them by now. Everything about Frank from that moment haunted me now really; like how his whole body trembled and his knees almost gave out when we held each other for what might've been the last time since I'm such a coward. His mouth too, how it quivered every so often, and how he couldn't form coherent words. And shit man, I love him. Even in that moment that I was hurting him, I loved him.
I just need to reevaluate everything though; I need time by myself. And I knew Frank was blaming himself for everything with my family, and I couldn't let him fall into a pit like that. As fucking stupid as my solution was, I think him separated from me is better than him having to hurt himself over my problems. I can't end up hurting Frank even more, he's my whole damn world. I have to let him find something or, as much as it would kill me, someone better than my screwed up ass.
I stood from my bedroom floor that I was laying on and tried to stop myself, but before I knew it I had picked up one of the glass Coke bottles I had on my window sill and threw it against my wall. I got anything I could, books, CD cases, shoes and threw them everywhere in my frustrated state. I almost picked up my radio and threw it out the window before I heard a knock on my door that pulled me out of my madness.
"Uh, Gerard, I made some dinner" I heard Mikey speak softly from the other side of my bedroom door. I heard some fright in his voice as well. Ever since we came back from the hospital around 5 hours ago, I've been in my room, just thinking about how stupid I am. Mikey has come around almost every hour just to knock and see if I was okay. I haven't let him in, but I'd always reply with "I'll be out in a while". I'm pretty sure he's gotten the point that that was a lie.
"I'm sorry, I don't really have an appetite" I spoke loud enough for him to hear me from the outside of the door. I could hear him sigh, then the patter of his feet walking away slowly. I sat in silence again, with thoughts that felt as if they were eating me alive. I laid back down on the floor of my bedroom, this time next to the complete mess I made.
Maybe I could still talk to Frank, and just be around him. Oh God, but then I'd want to kiss him and tell him I love him five hundred times, and I'd probably cry. I wonder if he's crying right now...
Ah shit, I'm about to cry just thinking about him crying.
~
Frank
After my emotional explosion at the front door, I went to my room. Well, it was more like my mom almost had to carry me to my room (she's stronger than I thought). I couldn't speak to her in my state, but she didn't bother me about it. She just told me she'd like to hear about it during breakfast, said I could skip school tomorrow, then wished me goodnight.
How the hell do I deserve such a great mom?
Besides the gratefulness I feel towards my mom, I feel like absolute shit. Everything that happened today, from bumping into Gerard's mom to Gerard saying that to me, it's all across my mind and I can't find a way away from it.
I know Gerard probably didn't want to hurt me, and it must've had something to do with seeing his dad, but it doesn't make the pain of losing him any less devastatingly crushing. Maybe we both didn't understand enough before getting together; maybe we both just fell too fast. Maybe I came into his life at the wrong time.
But what would've been the right time?
Maybe there never could've been a right time. Our relationship was so great considering how sudden it was, so maybe this is just the universe telling me nothing should happen so smoothly for me?
Ah, fuck the universe. I need to stop trying to find reasoning for everything. Gerard dumped me, and that's it. It's not because timing, it's not the universe, it's not because the possible God in the sky is trying to make me turn to him. The reason it happened was because it just did, and I'm going to have to fucking deal with it...
After I stay in my room and cry for a week.
~
Gerard
"Gerard, are you sure you want to go to school today? I know you're not really emotionally stable" Mikey asked me, watching as I picked up my coffee.
"Yeah, he would be pissed at me for skipping if I did" I said, and I knew Mikey was about to ask me who he was, but immediately shut his mouth when he realized I was talking about Frank. I was trying to fake a more happy attitude for my little brother so he wouldn't be too concerned, but I don't think he's falling for it.
"Well alright" Mikey replied, looking over at me with worry before putting his bag on his shoulder. I finished off my cup of coffee, put the cup in the sink, then followed Mikey out of the door towards my car. I hopped into the driver's seat. Waiting for Mikey to buckle up before I drove down our street.
I'm just going to look at this day like any normal day, because besides all the emotional issues I have and worries I've caused, it is a normal day. I'll mess with my teachers, I'll laugh with Ray and Mikey, and I'll handle everything with seeming calmness. If someone brings up Frank, I'll just ignore it the best I can. If I see Frank, I'll just smile the best I can. Today will be okay, Today will b-
"Uh, why are we in front of Frank's house?" I heard Mikey ask. In my confusion, I turned to look and sure enough I had parked right in front of Frank's house.
"Shit" I said, before stepping on the gas and driving quickly away. I must've gone to his house due to me being used to picking him up a lot in the mornings. It was just instinctive, but oh my god what if he saw me?
"Gerard, I really didn't want to ask..." Mikey started, sounding nervous, "but why again did you break up with Frank?"
"I really don't know anymore man, I just know I had to."
"Sorry to reply like this, but that's really fucking stupid" Mikey told me. I laughed softly, looking fully towards the roads of suburban neighborhood I passed by.
"Yeah, I know."
・・・
a/n
hey! wow, this is a quicker update than usual!!!
don't expect it to happen a lot, I'm a lazy piece of shit.
But thank you guys so much for reading!
I really love writing this story, so it makes me happy seeing people enjoy it.
xoolives. ♡