Living in a Jumble of Wishes
Chapter 14
I tried to convince my parents to let me stay at home on Tuesday. They were going to stay home and I thought that if I stayed home as well I would catch up with them and I would have more time to study for my math test on Wednesday.
Of course mom wouldn’t let me stay at home so I woke up early like every day and I got dressed. My parents were still sleeping when I was having breakfast.
I left for school after opening their bedroom door just to check on them. They were both sleeping deeply so I just smiled and gently closed the door.
The morning flew by and I hoped for the rest of the day to pass just as fast. The weird thing is that the breaks were the slowest times of the day.
I didn’t know if it was because I just wanted the periods to start and end or because I still wasn’t very comfortable around Zack or if it was just the popular group in general.
The first break was spent complaining about Wednesday’s math test and about the math teacher, of course.
On second break, they were bullying a nerd. I hated this the most. I hated when they bullied people. I would stand at the back and just silently watch as fear filled the poor person’s eyes and then he/she would run away, crying. And we wouldn’t see that person around the school anymore. I think all those people find different places to stay at, without having to see the popular group anymore.
Today was no different.
“Him,” Mandy said, pointing at Randy, a short and skinny guy with big black glasses on his face and a physics book in his lap.
He was sitting on his own on the other side of the court just reading something in the physics book. He wasn’t bothering anyone. He didn’t deserve what he was about to get.
I wanted to warn him, tell him that it was his turn today, and to tell him that he should run away while he still can.
But I couldn’t do that. I was part of the popular group. I’m like them now—I should be like them now.
They all stood up and started walking towards him. I walked behind them. They all had smirks on their faces except for me. I was feeling so guilty already.
When Randy felt the shadows above him, he lifted his head and squinted at us. He then pushed up his glasses with his index finger and smiled.
“Hi,” he said politely, offering a friendly smile. Didn’t they feel bad for what they were about to do? One look at their faces clearly said that they didn’t.
“Hello,” Mandy said with her fake sweet voice.
“What are you reading?” Candy asked.
“P-Physics,” he stuttered, looking amazed that the two most popular girls were talking to him. Little did he know that they were talking to him just to crush him and not because they were being friendly.
I tried to make him look at me so that I could give him a sign that it was a trap and he was walking right into it but he was too absorbed with the popular twins to notice me.
I swallowed as Mandy and Kyle shared a smirk. I knew what was coming now.
“You’re good at chemistry?” She asked.
“Yeah,” he replied, looking nervous. What was he thinking right now? I wondered. Was he thinking that she might ask him to tutor her? Or did he think she didn’t mean chemistry as the subject?
But most importantly, did he know that in just mere seconds, they’re going to crush him like a bug and laugh at him?
I hoped he did. I hoped he had a plan to get away or I hoped that he at least was ready for what was coming.
“So you know what oxygen is?” Candy asked, batting her eyelashes at him.
He let out a nervous chuckle. “Everyone knows what oxygen is.”
“Good,” she replied and I winced as I saw the gleam in her eyes that told me that she was going to drop the bomb now. “Then you would understand when I tell you that you’re a waste of oxygen.”
His face fell and he stared at her as if wondering if he had heard her correctly.
His thoughts were confirmed when the entire popular clique—minus me—started laughing.
“Good one!” Zack said, giving her a high five as she stood up and smiled smugly.
Randy was still sitting there stiffly, in shock.
“Wasn’t it enough?” Candy sneered at him. “Go away you waste of space.”
And that’s when that look I hated was on his face; a mixture of pain, anger, humiliation, embarrassment, and sadness.
I sighed as he stood up and ran inside, his physics book forgotten.
Is it fair? No, it sure isn’t fair. What if he was ignored at home and needed grades to make his parents notice him? What if he didn’t have enough money to go to university in a couple of years and he needed to work hard to get a scholarship? What if he just likes to study and get good grades?
Does it matter which one of those reasons it is? Does it make him any less worthy of living?
Is it fair for him to be treated like that just because he studied and got good grades? One day he will be extremely successful and I wonder what the reactions of the popular group will be when they see him successful and rich.
We were back to the stairs, our usual position. They were all still laughing and talking about ‘that ugly nerd’ as they put it. They didn’t even know his name.
Didn’t they feel guilty at all? Maybe they thought this was right and this was how it was supposed to be.
Hitler never felt guilty while he killed all those people. Killing them seemed right in his eyes. Similarly, killing people’s confidence and personality seems right in the popular clique’s eyes.
Does a person belong with Hitler if he can’t stand to watch those people die? If guilt consumes him whenever one person lets out a cry of agony?
Do I belong with the popular clique if I can’t stand to watch those people get crushed? If guilt consumes me whenever one person runs away with tears streaming down his face, then do I really belong with them?
I didn’t see Randy for the rest of the day and I guessed that he had left school. Anyone would have left after such an incident.
I spaced out most of the time during the last two periods, just wanting the day to be over already. The guilt was still there, making me feel even worse.
When the final bell rang I immediately ran out of the school. With every step I took towards my house, I felt like I could breathe again.
I was away from the place where everyone saw me as one of the bad people. I was away from the place where I stood and watched as my ‘friends’ humiliated and bullied others. I was away from the place I was starting to hate.
I have never felt the urge to run away from school and cry because of the guilt when I used to hang out with Carla and Kate.
I have never felt that I was hated by all the people that my group bullied when I used to hang out with Carla and Kate.
I missed my best friends. I missed hanging out with Carla and Kate. We always had fun together and we always were the perfect three best friends. We rarely fought and with them I knew that I could share my opinion and thoughts without being judged. With them, I felt like I truly belonged somewhere. I belonged with them and that feeling wasn’t present anymore with the popular clique.
But I ruined that. It was my fault that we were not the trio anymore. I was the one who made that decision for us. It wasn’t their fault. I hurt them and I was the one who turned my back on them, not the other way around.
Now, they were the perfect two best friends, without me.
I sighed sadly as I unlocked my front door and went into my house.
“Hi! How was school?” Mom said as soon as I stepped in, making me jump in surprise. I had forgotten that they would be home when I returned from school.
I smiled nonetheless and replied with a lie, “Great!”
“That’s good,” she said. “Do you want to eat something now or you’ll wait for dinner?”
“I’ll just take an apple or something,” I replied as I went into the kitchen and took out a red apple from the fridge. Being at home made me feel better.
“I’m going to go start studying,” I said when I was done with my apple. “I have a math test tomorrow.”
“Okay, I’ll call you when dinner is ready,” She said and I nodded as I went upstairs. I heard my dad’s snoring as I passed his room.
I smiled slightly and went into my room. I took out my math copybook and book and started studying. The two chapters we had were difficult so I had to concentrate as much as I could.
I jumped when my cell phone started ringing. I was so focused on the equation that the ringing startled me. If it’s Zack I won’t answer, I thought, I’ll tell him later that I was studying. It seems like a good enough excuse.
I took my cell phone from under my books and when I read Landon’s name I reconsidered not answering and ‘concentrating’ on math.
I finally gave in and answered the phone.
“Hey,” I said into the phone, smiling.
“What’s up?” He asked and I noticed that I had missed him. Even though it had only been a few days since I saw him, I still felt as if we hadn’t hung out in forever. That’s the thing about Landon, I could never get enough of him. It’s like we could spend days hanging out and I wouldn’t even get bored. On the contrary, not seeing him for a few days makes me miss all the times we hung out together.
“I have a math test tomorrow,” I replied, groaning as I lay back on my pillows, closing my eyes for a brief second and enjoying the softness of my pillows.
“Can’t help you there,” he said. “I hate math too.”
“Yeah, I know,” I replied.
“Good luck anyway,” he added.
“Thanks,” I replied.
“Wait,” he suddenly said as if he just realized something important. “Were you studying when I called? I didn’t mean to bother you.”
“Yeah I was but you’re not bothering me. I decided to answer,” I pointed out.
“I can call later,” he suggested.
“No, no,” I said quickly. “It’s okay. I needed a break anyway.”
“Are you sure?” He asked again, to make sure.
“Yeah,” I replied, smiling. He’s so sweet and thoughtful.
“So what’s new?” He asked.
I swallowed. I haven’t told him that Zack and I are back together again. I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to take it well but I knew I had to tell him. He was my best friend and he needed to know especially since he was the one that heard me when I had to talk to someone about that night.
“Zack apologized,” I muttered, reluctantly.
“So? That doesn’t fix things,” he said bitterly and I could imagine the angry look on his face.
I stayed silent. What was I supposed to say? Was I too stupid when I forgave him?
“You didn’t…” Landon trailed off when he noticed my silence and I winced. “You did!” He then said accusingly. “You forgave him, didn’t you?”
“He said he was drunk that night and he would never do something like that!” I said defensively.
“And you believed him? He could be lying Pamela!” Landon scolded. “How can you still have him around after what he did?”
“He’s not lying,” I said. I didn’t know if I was trying to convince him or myself. Maybe I was doing both.
“How do you know?” He countered.
“I do!” I replied. “He’s my boyfriend and it was my choice.”
Landon stayed silent for a few seconds and if it weren’t for the faint sound of his breathing I would’ve thought that he had hung up.
“I hope you didn’t make the wrong choice,” he said and before I could reply he added, “And if anything happens just give me a call, even if it’s one in the morning, understood?”
I grinned at that. I loved that protective and caring side of Landon. It gave me a warm feeling, knowing that he really cared for me. And I loved that he didn’t interfere very much with my business. He gave his opinion and advice but didn’t force me to go with his opinion.
“Thank you,” I said sincerely.
“No need to thank me,” he said, his voice gentle. “That’s what best friends do.”
Best friends… I liked the sound of that. He was a true best friend.
We talked for another couple of minutes before we hung up and I got back to studying math.
For the first few minutes I couldn’t keep my mind off Landon. I really liked how he was kind and caring and he wasn’t afraid or shy to show it. He’s one of those people you feel you can trust with anything and everything because you know that they will never betray you or leave you behind. With him I could really be myself. We had a lot of fun times together but we also had our serious conversations and that’s what brought us even closer.
I forced myself to stop thinking about Landon as I focused on the math notes in front of me. I needed to understand those for tomorrow’s test. It took me a couple of hours to finally understand everything.
I then had dinner with my parents and we spent a few hours together before I went back to my room to get a good night’s sleep before the test tomorrow.
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