The mess hall is silent, save for the sounds of cutlery clicking against dishes, the occasional crunch, or soft clicks as glasses, cups, and salt and pepper containers are set on the wooden tables. Forks occasionally scrape across plates.
Nobody speaks. Nobody has anything to say, not even Commander Erwin. Not Hanji. Not even Sasha can be heard gushing over how delicious the food is and how starved she is after the expedition.
Things are usually much heavier than usual after returning from beyond the walls...what with dozens of casualties and the grief hanging heavy over everyone. Still, it's never this quiet, never this dismal and heavy. I feel like I'm choking on the grief, swallowing up depression instead of eggs and toast. (And I know I'm only eating because it would worry Mikasa and Armin if I don't.) They're tasteless. I won't be surprised if I see them again later...
* * *
Funerals aren't common in the Survey Corps. Too many casualties; no one feels it would mean much.
And that's why it feels strange to be standing in the fairly sized courtyard at the rear of headquarters, with everyone gathered around in uniform while Commander Erwin stands on a pedestal, Hanji at his right hand. If not for the heaviness hanging around, the grief, the shock, the situation would be awkward. No one knows what to do. How to act. And that includes myself.
The Special Operations Squad stands at the front of the crowd, me in the center. On my left is Mikasa, on the right is Jean. Armin, Sasha, and Connie make up the rest of the line, and I suddenly realize this is all that's left of us, the 104th; what with Marco's death, Reiner, Bertolt, and Ymir being traitors, Historia becoming queen, and the rest among the long (and growing) list of casualties. A list Levi is now on...
Behind us is everyone left in the Corps as of now, and so recently after an expedition, the group isn't great in number. We've lost so damn many, and even more before I joined. If I feel so burdened by all those deaths on my own shoulders from all the friends and comrades I wasn't able to save, I can't imagine how Erwin feels, or how Levi felt before...
"A great loss has fallen upon us," Erwin begins. "One of the strongest. One of the bravest. The one with the most single-handed titan kills out of the entire regiment. An exceptional soldier, pulled from the confines of the Underground City. Humanity's Strongest, who took on the major responsibility of keeping our last hope in check." Erwin's eyes fall directly on me; I feel myself tense involuntarily. "And through the years, they built up a strong relationship, a great partnership and friendship; an unfailing team..."
It's at this point in which I begin to block out Erwin's speech, casting my eyes to the ground where weeds are attempting to push themselves up through the loose dirt.
He's wrong. Our team was not unfailing; if it had been, I would not be standing here. Erwin would not be making this speech. Levi's heart...would still be beating...
But I couldn't protect him. Couldn't save him from falling victim to the jaws of that beast. In no way is his death not utterly and completely on my shoulders.
I manage to suffer through the entire speech, doing everything I can to block out his words, but every time he says Levi's name, every time he says the word 'death', my stomach churns more and more, my palms burn and I feel the urge to strike something—particularly myself. By the end, my fists are trembling and I don't realize Erwin's speech is over or what the little wet spots appearing on the dirt near my feet mean until someone holds a handkerchief in front of me in offering.
My head snaps up. Mikasa stands in front of me, her dark eyes swimming with nothing but concern. For me. Any grief she might bear isn't for Levi—it's for me and the pain I'm in. And for some reason, it angers me.
I bat her hand out of the way and stride off as quickly as I can. Her gaze burns into my back until I disappear around the side of the castle and I hear her faintly call after me, but again I ignore her.
At first I think my intentions are to go back inside, curl up in my bed and wallow in my sorrows like a fucking baby like I have been for the past week. Instead I keep walking. I don't know where I'm going, or why, or if I'm looking for something in particular, but at the moment it doesn't matter. I just walk.
* * *
Fingers ran gently through his hair. Warm. Soft. Comforting. He hummed in contentment, thinking about how much he'd like to stay there forever, snuggled under the covers, cuddled up with another body so close to his own. It was more comfortable than he ever remembered being before.
"Are you awake?" the other whispered softly.
"Hmm..." he murmured. A soft chuckle met his ears. A tingle ran down the length of his back, and he couldn't help but smile.
"Such a brat." The three simple words were coated thickly with affection; he felt lips accompany the fingers in his hair.
"Hmph, you love me," he muttered sleepily.
"You're still a brat."
The younger's smile widened; he let his eyes flutter open. The basement was far too dark to see anything, even the vaguest outline of any of the walls, the bars to his cell, or even the man right in front of him. But it was okay; he reveled in the feeling of feeling, rather than seeing. For some reason it made him feel more alive, more real.
"You ready for tomorrow?" asked the deeper voice.
Suddenly some of the bliss washed away. "I don't know," he mumbled. "It's my first expedition without my titan abilities..."
"You'll be fine," the other promised. "I won't let anything happen to you."
"Mmm, I'm more worried about you," he insisted. "I'm supposed to protect you, but it'll be more difficult...without..."
"You're more of an idiot than I thought if you're worried about me." The fingers ran gently through his hair once more before resting on the back of his neck. He tilted his head up a bit, to be more face to face.
"Still," he said. "You never know what could happen."
"Please, Eren. I've survived this long...and we're so close. I won't let myself get killed, or even hurt."
"Hm, but what about your ankle?"
"What about it?"
"What if it buckles again?"
"It won't. It's been fine for years."
"Still..."
"Have you no faith in me?"
"I do, just—"
"Then don't question it. And even if I do die, it won't be in vain. I trust you to see to that."
His words about trust were sincere, but Eren could tell he truly didn't believe he would die. It gave him comfort, so he cuddled closer to the other's chest and let out a soft sigh, shutting his eyes once more. "Alright."
"Get some sleep, kid. You're gonna need it."
"Yeah. You, too."
The other merely hummed, beginning to rub Eren's side in the way he knew made the boy sleepy. Eren found himself holding on tighter as if it would make Levi stay longer, even after he'd fallen asleep. When he did, it was to the warm sensation of strong hands and soft lips on his forehead. Sure enough when he awoke again, Levi had disappeared from his bed without a trace.
* * *
Levi was gone the next day. That was the last night I got to spend with him, and now he's gone forever. Never once was I able to tell him how I felt.
Part of me thinks he knew anyway, but I'll never be sure. Just like I'll never be sure if he felt the same.
We'd snuck around like that often. Never was it anything official or deliberate, but he snuck down to my room in the basement every few nights, and on others I'd sneak up to his. It was rare we spent a night alone.
And those nights in his arms ended up being part of what I lived for. Protecting him was my biggest motivating factor, even after losing my titan abilities. Perhaps even more so after that, because I was no longer as strong, no longer as special.
I find myself atop one of the walls not long after walking away from headquarters and the rest of the regiment. Wall Rose, of course, facing southeast. To my left I can see Trost, and beyond that what lays behind the ruins of Wall Maria, still being renovated for population since I sealed the hole made by Reiner. Shinganshina, however, is still lost to humanity, but after all the titans behind Wall Maria were slain, it was a giant step in the right direction for humanity.
And now I'm famous for it, despite everything. Levi is dead. Once more I am an ordinary human. And I'm famous for it.
As if my legs can no longer hold me up, I sink into a sitting position near the outer edge of the wall, looking over everything as far as I can see—the town under construction, Wall Maria, and just barely beyond it, the green fields. Titan territory.
"I miss you," I say aloud. As if he can hear me. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. But you probably don't wanna hear that bullshit, do you?" It's silly; with every word I feel more and more alone.
I move so my feet dangle over the edge of the wall and gaze down. It's a fifty meter drop, with nothing below but stone. The nearest roof is several meters away.
"Maybe I should jump," I continue. "Join you, wherever you went." I swallow hard.
I don't want to jump. But I don't want to be without Levi, either. If nothing else, he was part of my family. And maybe because he and I were...closer...is the reason this is so much harder than it's ever been before.
"But I remember what you said, with your dying breaths...that you'd kick my ass in the afterlife if I came too soon. But maybe it would be worth it, because I'd get to be with you again."
Hastily, I drag the heel of my hand across my cheek to catch the tears.
"But I also remember what you said back in that building a couple years ago. That as long as I'm still alive and fighting, I'll never have let you down. Even though you're gone...I don't wanna do that. I...I want you to be proud of me." I pull my legs up and hug them to my chest. "So...so I won't," I mumble past a thick throat.
Truthfully, I don't know if Levi can hear me. I don't know what happens when we die...where we go or what we become. And I won't pretend to have felt him or falsely believe he heard. But I know in my soul he wouldn't want me making an idiotic decision like flinging myself off the top of the wall. Alive or dead, I never, ever want to let my captain down.