I do not own any of the characters, places, magic or any of the Harry Potterness. I would love to own them, especially Draco ;) However, the belong to the wonderful JK Rowling who I love loads for creating the HP series and the magic. The song doesn't belong to me either, that belongs to Kelly Clarkson. The pictures don't belong to me either.
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Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
September 5th.
The day had come round again.
But this time, Draco vowed that this would be the last time he would mourn on this day. After three years, it was time to live in the present. This would be the last day he’d allow his past to dwell and merge with his present life. He’d accomplished so much and it was now time to face the final hurdle no matter how hard it would be.
Part of him didn’t want to move on. It was too difficult, too much effort, too much grief. But he knew if he continued, he would be successful. He could live life once again. Live life with her beside him. With Hermione Granger. They could be in peace at last. It all just took one move on his part.
On September 5th three years ago, his parents were murdered by a hoard of angry death eaters. He was rescued by the Aurors that came as soon as they were alerted. Draco was distraught by his parents’ death, he was only nineteen, but he knew it was coming. They were not great people. Karma always comes back around. It was written in their fate.
Yet he found himself still mourning about their death. They were still humans. Through bad influence, they had become how they were. Yes, they deserved what they got… but he still wished that the event never happened. They were still his parents, his family, his kin. Without them, he’d lost his strength and authority. He’d lost a part of him. That part had vanished along with his parents.
Walking in a trance with Hermione by his side, he headed to a bench next to the Thames. It was dusk. The sky had turned various shades of pinks and purples until it eventually turned a dark blue. The gusty wind blew the orange leaves up and down, left and right in the early autumn scene. Small birds sang as they headed to their nests and bid a long day goodbye. Passersby rushed home while pulling their coats snugly around them, eager to see their family or go to bed and call it a day.
But the day wasn’t over for Draco. Oh no. It was just the beginning of the end.
The contrasting duo sat together on the bench, close together but not too close. It would have been a shocking sight to see a couple of years ago but now it was quite normal. Yet anyone from the Wizarding World would still stare wide eyed at the Pureblood and the Muggle-born sitting together no matter how many years had passed.
Hermione reached into her small pink beaded purse and extracted a notepad and pen out of it. Draco watched with blank eyes. He was slightly curious as to why she had brought those items but he didn’t show it or ask. He sat there unfazed as if he was under the Petrificus Totalus curse, only his eyes moved with her actions.
She handed him the items and he took it, his arm trembling from how hard it was tensed due to his current situation. “Write” was all she said as she stared into the depth of his grey pools. He looked at her and allowed the first flicker of emotions from the past hour to enter his eyes – bewilderment.
What was she thinking? What was she expecting him to do? “Write,” she repeated. Slowly, he opened the notepad to a fresh clean page. She told him to write and he decided to comply. But what to write?
Then it hit him. The reason behind the words. This would help him start clean and afresh. It would get rid of the lingering feelings that ought to be got rid of. He would transfer everything and anything he thought or needed to say and then would dispose of it. This would allow him to sail over the final jump. His burden would be gone. He would be a new fresh piece.
He removed the cap of the pen with a small pop and placed it as the other end of the pen. Chewing on the lid, Draco thought of all the things he needed to say. All his speech came in a rush, blurring and morphing together. Closing his eyes, he cleared everything in his brain so it was coherent. He poised the pen over the fresh sheet of paper and took a glance at the brunette beside him whom he’d grown most attached to. She gave him a firm look to tell him to do the task but it wasn’t severe. A hint of empathy and affection lingered in her eyes.
Licking his lips, Draco started to write.
“Father and Mother,
It’s time I start my life again. I need to live the life I want. I deserve to be happy and to live and love. I refuse to hold back the potential in me. I refuse to do things that I don’t want to. Even when you’re gone, I’m still burdened with your teachings. It’s time for me to clean my slate…
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
“I do not believe in this blood hierarchy. It is preposterous! Why would you teach me something like that? What does it matter if someone has muggle parents? What's wrong with muggles? They aren't dirty animals and we aren't any superior that others just because we are descended fully from wizards. I do not accept how they have to be lower than us. They are better than us in their own things so why should we judge the differences? I don't understand the discrimination, we're all human. We all have two eyes with a nose below. We all have a mouth that can be used to smile or frown. We all have the same brain capacity, it all depends on the potential and individual interest to outcome the intelligence. We all have emotions and we all the same anatomy with slight difference due to genetics. So why does it matter what background one came from?
I have thought deeply in this matter and I've come to a conclusion.
I refuse to commit myself to a Pureblood marriage. I will choose whomever I want. Why did you believe in keeping the Malfoy blood clean? What would it matter whether a muggle or a non-pureblood appeared in the line? Isn't it more important to judge the type of people that are in the Malfoy line, not their blood? Surely, kindness and compassion is a key feature in an individual, not their blood. I think so. So isn't it better to be matched with someone not becuase of their blood or status, but because of their personality and their true self? I wonder why neither of you ever considered this. Didn’t you care about happiness? Don’t you care about my happiness?
The war was a big lesson. Look what happened just because of a stupid belief that didn't even prove to be true. I'm not going to continue being a bigoted git and continue this teaching. It is completely wrong.
After everything I’ve been through, I deserve to find someone who makes me happy. Someone who cares for me and can bring a smile on my face, especially after the years of torment. Someone who understands me and will be there beside me. I don't want someone that wants me for my name and money. That's unfair, unfair for me. I deserve to be happy after everything I've faces. This is my decision and there’s no altering my mind.
I’ve already learnt from you, Mother. I don’t want to make the same mistake you did. You were forced to marry to a Pureblood. You loved another man but you decided to do what was right. However, your perception of right was very wrong.
You were unhappy with your marriage. Andromeda told me. You could’ve been like her. I will be like her. You didn’t love my Father and nor did he love you. Only as time went on, you got attached to each other but only because you were forced to under the circumstances. It wasn’t an option. Yes, you did have a happy life eventually, but you could’ve had a happier one if you went with your own choice.
You made a wrong choice; I will not repeat your mistake.
I’ve seen your arguments and you making ups. But when you make up, it’s not real! You do it for the sake of yourself! Not for each other! Not for your relationship!
You believed what you had was love. But you were wrong. How could you have ever thought what was between you and Father was love? Commitment, yes. But true love? No. When you came to realization, I saw you heartbroken. Broken over a non-existent love. It was terrible sight to witness and definitely not one I wish to experience.
I do not want to marry a stranger. i don't want to be stuck with a snooty, stuck up airhead who is completely intolerable. Don't you think I could do so much better? Don't I deserve so much better?
That is why I refuse.”
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
Draco’s hand shook tremendously as he dotted the full stop. He took a deep calming breath to steady himself. Hermione spared him a worried look but she quickly averted her gaze back to the setting sun in the horizon when Draco gave her a small smile. That smile told her that he wasn’t fine, but he was coping and that’s all that could be asked for the time being.
Hermione frowned inwardly to herself. She usually loved to sit and watch the sunset but this time, she couldn't focus on its marveling beauty. This sunset represented something else. It was the finality for Draco and it made Hermione apprehensive. It would be very emotional like the vast colours of the sky. It would be depressing like the sun lowering out of sight and disappearing. But the end result would be peaceful. And then, there would be dawn to look forward to – the awakening.
She knew Draco had to get this over and done with but it pained her heart to see him broken. She hated to see him in this state and it always brought out her overly caring attitude which tended to annoy him at times but she knew he was actually grateful, even though he may not admit it. Twinges of optimism rose in her heart as she invited the thought that this was the last mourn to dance in her head. However, always thinking of the last brought memories of the first…
She remembered that day clearly. It was exactly three years ago. She had found Draco on a balcony after the small battle in his manor between the light and dark. He was weeping. It melted her heart. She always sympathized with boys and men who cried. They always tried to hold themselves up and be strong so it was upsetting to see them defeated. Seeing Draco though was completely heart shattering. He was meant to be this bully! The emotionless git! And there he was crying these splintering sobs that scorched Hermione’s heart. She sat with him. He didn’t seem to notice but she still stayed. She didn’t know how to comfort him so she just sat there with him, staring at the crescent moon. It looked as if a bit was taken out of it, like how a chunk was taken out of Draco's like. His sobs eventually subsided and a quiet thanks escaped his mouth. That was the first moment where their friendship blossomed. It was hard work and a lot of effort and patience was required to keep it growing but they were successful.
Draco stared at the muggle-born witch who was lost in thought with a coy smile on his face. The moonlight reflected off her pale complexion and illuminated parts of her frizzy curls that were sticking outwards. No makeup tainted her pretty face and she wore the most unflattering clothes. Yet, a vibe was emitted from her that sent electric current over Draco. She appealed to him. She may not be the prettiest witch, but she was the only witch in Draco’s eyes.
Maybe it was the fact that she’d been there for him since… things turned upside down. Actually, things were upside down well before that. However, loosing his parents made his upside down world make another flip again, but he hadn’t reached the original point. He was on another level.
Also, he seemed to have grown onto Hermione. She could’ve just left him to suffer. But she didn’t. Heck, he didn’t understand why she stayed and she didn’t know fully why she did but he was grateful.
They'd been through so much together. She'd seen him in his vulnerable state, he'd seen her during hers. They'd both witnessed the other shed tears over loss, grief and anger. They'd seen the other during fits of rage. But most importantly, they'd seen each other during their most care-free state, when they could enjoy what was around then am relax, when they could sleep peacefully in a happy dream and when they could laugh together for no true reason at all - just because it felt... right.
They'd grown close - very close and Draco couldn't deny that. He classed her as not an acquaintance or a fellow companion, but a friend - a true, best friend. But at times, he found himself imagining what it would be like if him and Hermione were something more. He slapped himself (mentally of course otherwise Hermione would think he was having problems) when his mind first brought up that scenario a year ago but as time went on, his mind wandered more into that area and lingered lost in thought in that area for longer.
Draco finally came into acceptance that he had feeling for one Hermione Granger, even though it made him cringe each time he thought about it. Now he was past that phase of cringing and finally came to a conclusion that he had to pursue her. An intense surge of emotion continuously pounded against his chest whenever he thought of her, whenever he was near her. The feeling made him light headed and it was odd and new to him. He understood the feeling straight away and knew he should do what made him happy. His life was his. He wanted to be happy and he would do what it could.
However, there were a few things on his mind that prevented him from taking this course of action. He, like many other normal men, feared rejection. He didn't want to feel the heartbreak and he didn't want to make anything awkward between them in case she refused his proposal. It would taint his pride and he wouldn't know how he'd be able to hold himself up around her if he felt below her because of one word that shattered his heart.
The other reason, that certainly most other men did not feel, was that he couldn't help thinking what his dead parents would think... His father would likely to turn in his grave. And if they were alive, Draco would obviously be banished and hated. He didn't want to think about that though. If they were alive, there'd be no chance of him and Hermione ever crossing paths. His life would feel oddly incomplete without her. But they weren't alive so they couldn't do anything. Still, Draco felt that they would be disappointed in him and he didn't like it. They were still his parents and all children want to make their parents proud.
A sigh escaped his thin lips.
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
"Because of you, Father, I'm going struggle with my future life. I have been stuck with your teaching and that is not respectable behaviour nowadays. I try to fit into society but I can't act like everyone else. I try, I'm progressing but it's difficult.
Why did you put me through all that? I never understood your teachings or the purpose of them.
Whenever I did something wrong, you were always the first to point it out to me which seems pretty normal for any parent to do. But you prevented me doing the normal child things that I should have done at my age. Instead, you made sure I acted like adult. I missed out on all that.
You upset me many times. That time you set my rabbit out of its hatch to run away. The time you burned all my toys in front of me because I was too old for them. And then when I cried, you lost your temper at me and upset me even more. You forbid me from crying saying that "Malfoy's don't cry."
So, I was forced to hide my emotions from you and eventually, from everyone. I wore a mask at all times to prevent you from seeing my feelings. You couldn't see when I was hurt. I wore the mask of indifference. The mask has still stayed with me after all this time. It's difficult to get rid of. My mask has been almost permanent and I'm trying to get my emotions flowing back but it takes as much effort as it did to try and hide them years previous.
All these factors are making it a struggle for me to fit into society. I'm seen as this cold character since I can't portray my emotion. And whenever I'm in a predicament, my mind always tells me to do one of your teachings. This has all been implanted in my brain and I need to get rid of it! It's disrupting my life! Only one person has been helping me and she's seen part of my true self. Yet, I still feel bad for being unable to express everything to her."
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
Draco's anger picked up and this time he allowed he feeling to course through his body and make it's appearance and existence known. He really did hate what he had been taught. Because of it, many problems had occurred in his life. The war was the main thing but also, years after the war, it was still affecting him.
He tried to act normally but people would give him strange glances. If he acted according to his normal, which is what his father would've approved of, then he'd get disgusted glances. He couldn't win could he? He didn't understand what he was expected to do. It was very difficult to just throw away all his father's teachings and live. He felt vulnerable without some method of acting in society.
If only he had a different upbringing. Life would've been so much easier. If only.
"Are you ok?" Hermione asked tentatively.
"No, not really," Draco replied sadly, his head bowed and his blonde hair falling forward covering most of his face from few.
"What's wrong, Draco?" she asked taking hold of his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.
"I'm a failure," he sighed and relaxed slightly at her touch.
"No you are not!" she said hotly. "Don't even think about that for a second! Everyone has had their ups and downs, Draco. You've just had a lot more. If anything, it makes you a stronger person to recover from them. Right now, you are trying to recover. It's only normal that you'll feel all these emotions that you were trying to hide because your brain has finally realised this is the end. It's the last time. The final time."
"Yeah, you're right. But how come no one else seems to think that?"
"Because no one else knows you. If they did -"
"But they don't, they don't want to know me."
Sighing, Hermione picked her words carefully before replying. "Draco, you have to realise that they've had their share of sorrow from the war and after the war too. They would've had family members killed and tortured by those on Voldemort's side. I know that you won't like to hear this but they still will have a grudge against death eaters..." Hermione noticed how he tensed. His jaw was clenched tightly and his hold around her hand tightened. "... so that's why they still don't like you. All they need is time. They just need to accept that you're not like the ones locked in Azkaban or that are dead."
"But I've done so many favours already. I've helped in businesses and in charities and in hospitals. What else am I supposed to do?"
"Take a step forward. You never make an appearance whenever you do something good. You'd get more publicity and you'd be more appreciated. Why don't you go and visit the charity stations and see what they're doing or planing to do? Or you can visit the people in hospital, give them presents and give them hope. If those people are willing to see past everything from the past years, then it's a start. Other people will follow on."
"I guess..." Draco trailed off.
"So, have you finished?" Hermione asked gesturing to the piece of paper with a tilt of her head.
"No, not yet."
"Ok."
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
"You've let me down so much. You weren't good parents to me. You didn't protect me from harm and danger. Instead, I was exposed to it. It frightened me yet you didn't seem to notice. You were all scared too and you seemed to depend on me to be the brave one. I was a child! What was I supposed to do?
I remember you both panicking at the return of Voldemort. You raised me to believe he was some God. But why should you tremble at God? God should help his disciples not torture them into madness. When you failed your mission, Father, I heard him torture you. I heard your screams of pain and I could hear mother sobbing like a banshee. Then you went quiet. Me and Mother thought you may have been dead and mother's sobs only erupted more. That was the first time I was truly terrified of that Beast.
But that couldn't have been more frightening that when I had to meet him. He brandished me with the Dark Mark and it felt like it scorched my whole body. It was oh so painful and all you and mother could do was stand there and watch. You didn't help me! And then I was set with that dreadful task. I was only a boy! Why was I given so much responsibility and pressure? Why did you even accept the fact that I had to murder a great wizard? At 16, I shouldn't have been stressing over how I was going to murder someone, I should've been concentrating on my NEWTs like everyone else.
After the death of Albus Dumbledore, you don't know how disgusted I felt with myself. I felt terribly guilty. I know I wasn't the one who murdered him but I was part of the plan to get him murdered. And the fear didn't stop there. It only grew. I had to torture people which nearly made me sick. And then we got tortured for letting Potter slip by. However painful the Crucio curse is, it doesn't beat the gut wrenching pain I get from skimming through my past memories.
I'm glad I let Potter go. If I didn't and I admitted it was him, I can't imagine what my life would be like. I would be bombed with continuous pain and fear. I would never have lived my life. I would be living with death.
The memories of the past times still scar me no matter how many years have passed. I've had to suffer a lot juts becuase of a bad decision made on your behalf before I was born. It was a stupid decision and we've all suffered. We many have all been innocent at first but that soon changed. I didn't have a choice though. I had to become a monster. I had to do everything against my wish. You didn't care enough to think of me."
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Draco yelped as a memory burned his head. It was the time in the manor when Hermione was tortured by his deranged aunt. He had just stood and watched frozen. The fact for that was because he couldn't digest what was happening in front of him. He just couldn't believe it. At the time, he had remembered how he had said in second year that he hoped it was Hermione who died but seeing her screaming in front of him made him regret any ill thought about her.
He was brought out of trance by Hermione asking, "You all right?"
"Yes, just a bad memory."
She gave him a small smile and turned to look away.
It was memories like the one he just revisited that scared him. They made him feel an explosion of emotions. Fear, guilt, sorrow, shame, anger, blame. All because of one wrong choice, he was scarred with his collection of memories. Sometimes, he thought it was best to obliviate himself but then what would he learn by doing that? Then he would definitely not know who he was and that would be defying his aim: to find himself. Worst of all, it would be a cowardly act to do that.
It was becuase of one wrong choice that he was scared and wary of everything around him. He was always on the lookout for any danger. He wasn't just a victim of the light side attacking him, but it was more likely that the ex death eaters would attempt to pounce on him. The death eaters were savages, that's why. They never let a grudge go and they'd even attack their own side and even their own kin to get what they want. Draco never fit in with the death eaters and they found him an easy victim to practices curses on... Draco shuddered.
Becuase of one wrong choice, he'd been forced to do actions that he was ashamed of. He was swimming in guilt from the families he split, from the people he'd tortured and the people who killed. Draco wasn't that type of person but he was forced to under the circumstances. If he didn't, his family were in danger. And no matter what ill he was put through as a young child, he still needed them and looked out for them.
And now, they left him. They left him on his own with no guide to tell him what to do. And no matter how angry he was at them for making him suffer so much, he still felt immense sorrow for losing them. It annoyed him that he felt remorse, but he did have emotions. He did feel pain and loss and anger and fear. He was human after all. A human that missed his parents.
Because of you
"And even though you've put me through so much, I still miss you. I still wish you were still here. No matter what you've done, I'm willing to forgive you and let you go. It's time I start a new life without dwelling in the past. So this is goodbye.
Love, your son,
Draco"
Draco closed the pen with the lid until it made a small pop. He handed it back to Hermione without looking at her. Carefully, he constructed the piece of paper with his letter on into a small paper boat. He got up off the bench and walked towards the River Thames.
It was now dark. The moon reflected off the silvery water along with the millions of twinkling stars. Draco sat in a crouch position next to the river and weaved his fingers through the cool silky water. He placed his white paper boat onto the water and watched it float and bob on the water. He gently blew at it and it started to sail down the river. A gust of wind picked up and blew the boat down to river and to his parents' ashes.
Because of you
Draco watched it until it was out of sight. He stayed in that position for a few minutes. Finally he tilted his head up and stared at the moon. It was time for his to start a new beginning. He could now live his life with all regrets behind.
He got up into an upright position and slowly turned to face Hermione. She was standing beside the bench that they had just been sitting on. When she saw Draco looking at her, she slowly extended her hand out for him.
Draco stared at her hand contemplating about his next move. She was offering him a chance. Should he take it or leave it? Then his mind thought back to tonight and the purpose of it. Yes, he should take it. He could - he would - start afresh.
He crossed the distance between them, a small smile on his face, and took her little hand and enveloped it in his. He entwined their fingers together and pulled her towards him gently. He then wrapped his free arm around her waist and embraced her in a hug. Hermione was shocked. This was the first time they had made contact that was this intimate. Slowly, her other arm went around him. Her head rested against his chest and he propped his chin on top of her head. Her soft chocolate hair ticked his face as the wind blew through it.
"You ok?" she mumbled into his chest.
"Yes, I'm free," he whispered.
"So, what's the first thing that you're going to do know that you're free?"
His head dropped to the crook of her neck as he hid behind her thick locks. "I was hoping that maybe we could go out somewhere?"
Hermione leaned back away from him so that she could look at his face but their bellies and legs were still in contact. "Really?" she asked, her eyes portraying her surprise.
Draco just nodded.
"As a date?" she asked shyly, her voice quiet.
"If you want to."
A smile appeared on her face. "I'd love to," she said as she leaned back into his chest.
Draco glanced down at the girl in his arms. His lip perked up into a smile. His new life was starting out perfectly.
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Comment/Vote/Fan please? :) I'm not sure what the next song is going to be. I've got a few thought but I'm not totally sure so if you want to request a song, that's fine. I'm planning on uploading a Dramione story soon (yes, I've managed to think of a plot! Woo!) but I'm not sure when because I've had loadsa homework and school is annoying me. And I have another story that I'm writing. So just keep looking out for it! :)