Chapter Twenty Seven
William
Nakasandal ako sa hamba ng pintuan ng kuwarto habang nakatingin kay Celine. Ang himbing ng tulog niya at hindi ko maiwasang hindi pagmasdan ang kagandahan niya. Kahit malaki ang pinagbago niya ay hindi pa rin non natakpan ang kagandahan niyang taglay. She became darker and her hair became shorter, she even earned a scar but still she looked beautiful... divine, even.
Kapag naiisip ko na darating 'yung araw na mawawala siya sa akin ay nagsisikip ang dibdib ko. Hindi ko kakayanin. Napamahal na siya sa akin. At kahit na marami ang magalit, kahit may nasasagasaan, kahit may nasasaktan, ay hindi ko siya ibabalik. She's mine now. Ako ang kinikilala niyang asawa at wala ng iba.
She stirred and moaned. Her forehead knotted and my heart started pounding against my ribs. Agad ko siyang dinaluhan sa kama bago pa siya magsimulang magsisigaw. Her nightmares are becoming frequent. Natatakot akong baka makaalala na siya. I am selfish because I don't want it to happen. I am selfish because I had been lying to her all this time when I told her that I wanted her to have her memory back.
I don't. I want her like this. I want her clueless and docile. I want her as my wife.
I want her... for myself.
Nagmulat siya ng mata at yumakap sa akin bigla. She sobbed on my shoulders and I gave her a tight hug. Nasasaktan ako kapag nakikita ko siyang ganito. Pero hindi ko naman kayang sabihin sa kanya ang totoo. I can't risk losing her. She's better off not knowing.
The truth hurts and I don't want to burden her with it.
For as long as she stays with me, she will always be safe.
"Hey, babe. Shhh." I kissed her head and rocked her. She continued sobbing and I can feel her nails digging on my back, but I ignored it.
"William, natatakot ako! Nanaginip ako. M-may bumaril daw sa akin—"
"No one's going to hurt you, Celine. I'll shield you from anyone who's willing to try." Hinaplos ko ng paulit-ulit ang likod niya at hinintay ko siyang kumalma. We stayed in that position for a few minutes and then she pulled free.
"I'm safe with you, right?" inosente niyang tanong.
"You are. I will always look after you."
"Thank you."
Yumakap siya uli sa akin at napilitan akong mapangiti. She is sweet and kind-hearted and everyday my guilt is burning me for all the lies I have stacked.
Almost two years ago, I took her away because I wanted a fresh life. But I never thought that I would learn how to care for her, more so, fall for her. I never imagined that I would be captivated by her beauty. Such women should be banned from walking on earth. Because she could make men swoon with a mere blink of an eye.
"Maaga pa, Celine. You can go back to sleep," I suggested. Tinignan ko ang orasan at nakitang mag-aalasais pa lang ng umaga. She shook her head and looked at me.
"Tutulungan ko na lang si Manang na maglinis ng bahay. Aalis ka na ba?"
I nodded.
Nagpatayo ako ng isang maliit na kainan sa may bayan. Doon kami kumukuha ni Celine ng panggastos naming dalawa. Madalas ay nandito lang ako sa bahay, binabantayan siya dahil may mga tauhan naman ako ro'n. Tuwing Lunes ay bumibisita ako para siguruhin na maayos ang takbo ng negosyo.
"'Wag kang masyadong magpagod, Celine. You know how much I hate it when you get sick," I reminded her and she smiled at me.
"Alam ko naman 'yon, Will! Sige na, baka mauna pa sa'yo ang mga katulong mo ro'n."
I kissed her lips. God, it was sweet. "Okay. Uuwi ako ng maaga."
Tumayo na ako sa kama at akmang aalis na nang bigla niya akong hatakin at yakapin. "Ingat ka, William."
Nasiyahan ako sa ginawa niya. I hugged her back and spoke on her ear.
"I love you, Celine."
Binatawan ko siya agad pagkatapos kong sabihin iyon. Muli niya lang akong nginitian, pero kakaiba ang ngiti niya. Parang may nagbago sa paraan ng pagtingin niya sa akin. Her eyes sparkled when she looked at me, there was tenderness, there was... Something else. And it made me happy. She doesn't have to say it. My eyes can interpret and my heart can understand.
"I'm going," saad ko bago tinungo ang pintuan. "'Wag kang magpalipas ng gutom."
She walked me to the door and I kissed her again before I walked to the tricycle station. Nagpahatid ako sa bayan. As soon as I got there, I ran to the nearest payphone. I dialed a familiar telephone number and waited for the call to be answered. The first one went to voicemail and it made me even more frustrated.
"Damn it, pick up. Pick up..." I muttered to myself before waiting impatiently. Matapos ang ilang pagriring ay may sumagot rin ng tawag ko.
"Hi, this is Dr. Bernard S. Aldeguer of Aldeguer Medical. How may I help you?"
Napahinga ako ng maluwag. "Bernard! Ako ito." I said in a low voice. There wasn't any hint of surprise on his tone when he replied.
"Cousin! How's the girl?"
"Not good," pag-amin ko. Napahawak ako sa baba ko bago nagpakawala ng isang buntong-hininga. "She's remembering. I think she's remembering. I don't know what to do."
"Well, that's going to be a huge problem. When she finds out that you're a liar, she's going to leave and you're going to go to jail because of your idiocy." Tumikhim siya. "I don't want my name to be dragged in this. I told you this won't end well! You never listen to me."
Nakadama ako ng pangamba sa boses niya. Bakit nga ba hindi? E, naging kakutsaba ko siya rito. Kung mananagot ako ay alam niyang hindi siya ligtas dahil malaki ang ginampanan niyang papel para maisakatuparan ko ang planong 'to.
"I'm not going to jail. No one's going to jail. Padalhan mo ako ng mga gamot para kay Celine. Hindi niya puwedeng maaalala ang nakaraan niya. Hindi siya puwedeng bumalik sa walang kwentang lalaking iyon!" I hissed and he groaned.
"Ayaw kong madawit uli, okay? Tama na ang pagtulong ko sa iyo ng isang beses. Hindi na mauulit pa." His voice sounded off. "I don't want to live with this kind of fear anymore."
"C'mon, cousin," I coaxed.
He cursed. "Alam mo bang hanggang ngayon kapag may nakakasalubong akong Monteverde ay nangangatog pa rin ang tuhod ko? Even the mere sound of their surname sends me in a panic. Pakiramdam ko ay alam nila ang panlolokong ginawa ko at hinihintay lang nila ang tamang panahon para pabagsakin ako!"
"They don't know. They don't suspect a thing. Calm down, Bernard," I soothed him but he continued blabbering.
"Hindi mo maitatago ang isang lihim habambuhay! Paano kapag dumating ang araw na malaman nila ang panlilinlang na ginawa natin sa kanila? They are fucking wealthy! Wala tayong panlaban sa kayamanan nila! Pakilusin lang ni Aaron Monteverde ang pera niya ay tapos ang Aldeguer Med. You're willing to throw away years of our clan's hard work for what? For a woman who does not even love you?"
Nagsimula na akong mairita dahil sa sinasabi niya. "Fine. You don't want to help me? Fine, Bernard! I'll look for medicine on my own, you coward!"
"Ibalik mo na lang kaya siya habang hindi pa huli ang lahat?"
My temper skyrocketed. "No!" Sigaw ko bago ibinaba ang tawag.
Nangangalit ang mga panga na naglakad ako patungo sa kinaroroonan ng kainan.
Fuck Bernard! I'll deal with him later.
***
CELINE
Pagkahatid ko kay William sa labas ay tsaka ko lang hinanap si Aling Nenita. Tapos ay bigla ko namang naalala na April 11 nga pala ngayon at kaarawan ng anak niya kaya nakaday-off siya. Ako na lang ang naglinis ng bahay. Nagwalis-walis ako at naglampaso. Pagkatapos ay dumeretso ako sa kusina.
Nag-iwan ng almusal si William. Sinangag at tortang talong. Tahimik akong kumain.
Dumeretso naman ako sa mini-library namin sa bahay. Napangiti ako nang makita ang mga libro sa bookshelf. Iilan lang ang mga ito dahil hindi naman masyadong mahilig magbasa si William. Kaya lang siya bumibili ay para may mabasa ako kapag nababagot ako rito.
Habang tumitingin ako sa mga libro ay may napansin akong isang bago na nakasiksik sa pinakadulo. Siguro ay bagong bili ito ng asawa ko at nakalimutan lang niyang sabihin sa akin. Nagtatakang hinugot ko ito.
Napaatras ako at nabuway ng kaunti nang mabasa ko ang title nito.
Le Trois Mousquetaires by Alexandre Dumas.
I flipped the lid and skimmed through the first chapter.
It was in English. Nakaibang lengguwahe lang ang title para siguro catchy. Naupo ako at sinimulan itong basahin. Pero habang itinutuloy ko ay sumasakit ang ulo ko.
Lalo na kapag nababanggit ang mga pangalang Athos, Porthos at Aramis. Parang pamilyar. Parang nabasa ko na ang librong ito pero hindi ko maalala. Kapag pinipilit kong isipin ay lalo lang gumugulo ang mga imahe sa utak ko.
I clutched my head and counted to ten. This will pass. I know this will pass. At pagkatapos nga ng ilang minuto ay bumalik na uli sa normal ang lahat. Hindi ko na tinapos ang libro, ibinalik ko ito sa shelf at naghanap ng ibang babasahin.
I found a modern poetry book. Nagustuhan ko ang simpleng cover nitong nakakaakit sa mata. Habang nagbabasa ay hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti habang hinahangaan ang sumulat dahil sa ganda ng pagkakagawa niya rito.
Pero unti-unti na naman akong nahihilo nang dumating ako sa isang tula na nagbibigay sa akin ng pakiramdam.
The Rose
Pinilit ko itong basahin dahil pakiramdam ko ay maganda ito kaya nilabanan ko ang hilo at sakit ng ulo.
"Have you ever loved a rose, and watched her slowly bloom; and as her petals would unfold, you grew drunk on her perfume..." I read out loud. I felt a weird sense of familiarity consuming me as I recited each line. It was compelling me to remember its significance, forcing me to open my mind.
"Have you ever seen her dance, her leaves all wet with dew; and quivered with a new romance—the wind, he loved her too..." Sa hindi ko malamang dahilan ay biglang nag-init ang pakiramdam ko. My heart started beating rapidly. It was telling me to continue and so I did.
"Have you ever longed for her, on nights that go on and on; for now, her face is all a blur, like a memory kept too long..."
Isinara ko na lang bigla ang libro. Napahawak ako sa puso ko at pilit itong pinakakalma. Napaka-ingay nito at napaka-gulo. Ayaw nitong makinig sa kahit na anong saway ko.
"Calm down," I whispered as I tried to steady my uneven breathing. "Please calm down." Hindi yata marunong makinig ang puso ko dahil patuloy pa rin ito sa malakas na pagtibok at halos mabingi na ako. I closed my eyes and let the confusion wash over me.
What's happening?
As usual, I do not have an answer to that. I want clarity but no one can give it to me but myself. I just want my memory back, now more than ever.
My hands felt shaky as I opened the book again. I read the final lines.
"Have you ever loved a rose and bled against her thorns? And swear each night to let her go then love her more by dawn..." I closed my eyes.
A startling image popped on my head. It was my hand. I don't know how I could be certain but I just knew that it was my hand. And I was holding an erect manhood!
Napadilat ako. Agad na nag-ingay na naman ang puso ko. Oh, God!
What the heck was that?
What is wrong with me?