Eventually, lumipat ako sa seaside near the mall. I bought a bucket of smirnoff to destress. I'd been here for two hours now.
May umiyak na bata sa 'di kalayuan. I wandered my gaze to them. The little girl was crying dahil inagaw ng sister niya yung doll niya.
I smiled a little.
How nice it is to be a kid. Walang problema, walang iniisip. They're in their own little world, away from the complications ng mundo. Sobrang iba sa buhay ng mga adults.
I turned back to the crashing waves. Malakas ang hangin at lumilipad ang buhok ko sa likod ko.
After finishing my third bottle, I checked my phone.
10 PM.
Maaga pa. I could still kill some time. Mamaya na ako uuwi.
I put my phone back to my lap, staring at a contact number. RCG. Kanina ko pa siya naaalala.
Without actually thinking, I felt my fingers typing a message.
Me:
I miss you today :(
I sipped from my beer again. Napapabilis ang pag-inom ko.
My phone vibrated. Racel replied after five minutes.
RCG:
Where are you?
Napangiti ako sa sagot niya.
Me:
Somewhere out there. :p
I took another sip and chuckled at my reply. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ko siya t-in-ext. Mag-aalala lang 'to, e.
I grinned when my thoughts were confirmed not a minute after.
RCG calling . . .
See? He was calling now.
Nakangisi ako nang sumagot.
"Where are you?" Racel started. I could detect the concern in his voice.
"Secret."
"Javee," he warned.
"Guess."
"Nasaan ka nga?" This time his voice was firmer. No playfulness at all.
"Secret nga."
"Sinong kasama mo?"
"Me, myself, and I," I joked.
"Are you..." Racel paused. "Are you drinking?"
"Maybe. Had a couple of beers."
"Stay there. I'll get you."
Then he dropped the call.
I panicked muna until I realized imposible naman 'yon. How would he find me, hindi naman ako nagbigay ng details. I was obviously just messing around.
Racel was still texting me kung nasaan ako but I said nothing forthcoming. I even told him not to come and find me. Ayokong magpunta siya dito. I didn't want him to see me in this state.
Though I was confident naman na hindi niya ako mahahanap. For all he knew, I could be everywhere. Dito, sa restaurant nila or sa Tagaytay. Malabo talaga.
After I finished my first bucket, I went to the mall to eat dinner. I stayed there for a while, contemplating kung uuwi na ba ako or if I wanted to have another bucket. Ayoko pa kasing umuwi. I was still sober. I didn't wanna be this sober when I get home para makatulog kagad ako.
Eventually, bumalik din ako sa seaside to get another bucket of alcohol.
I let my thoughts drift in my alone time.
One thing that is good with being alone, you get to be free. Wala kang iniisip na mga tao. Wala kang dapat pakisamahan. Wala kang dapat alalahanin. You get to do what you want. You can be sad. You can reveal your feelings kasi wala namang nakakakita.
And one thing that is good with drinking, although it doesn't really make you forget, it gives you a brief sense of courage. Kaya kahit na naiisip ko pa rin yung condition ni Dad, I wasn't that crestfallen anymore.
Soon, my thoughts were starting to get hazy. I was about to drink up again. But someone caught my bottle before I could even sip. Looking up, I found myself staring into the frustrated eyes of Racel Gutierez. Pinagpapawisan siya at namumula ang mukha.
He was frowning at me when he took the alcohol from my hand. "That's enough."
"Heeey," bati ko. I gave him an unstable smile. "How did you find me?"
Racel spied the bucket on the table. "You're drunk."
Tumawa ako. "Medyo nakainom lang."
He pulled up my arm. "Let's go. I'll take you home."
Pumiglas ako. " Ayoko muna bumalik sa bahay."
We leveled gazes. His firm eyes against my stubborn ones. Realizing it was futile, Racel sighed. Then he started walking away.
Curious, I followed him with my eyes. Akala ko aalis na siya but he surprised me when he went over to a stall and bought something. Pagbalik niya sa 'kin, may inabot siyang bottled water.
I raised a brow.
"Clear up."
Ayoko sana but the frown on his face made me do it. In long gulps, I downed the water.
I looked back to him. Naglalaban ang frustration at pag-aalala sa mukha niya.
"I spent the last hour looking everywhere for you."
Oh. Kaya pala namumula siya at hinihingal.
"How did you know I'd be here?"
"I don't. I thought nasa Roxas ka, pero wala ka do'n. I just assumed you might go here."
"I could've gone home na. Bakit nagpunta ka pa dito?"
"I didn't think so. With that tone, I knew you'd want to go here."
"You were right then. Smart." I praised with a grin. "Nandito lang naman ako since kanina."
"No, you're not. Dito ako galing kanina. Wala ka dito. Where were you?" he asked in exasperation.
Nagulat ako sa narinig. What? Galing na siya dito? Did that mean kanina pa talaga siya paikot-ikot, looking for me?
"Sa MOA. Kumain ng dinner." Don't tell me pati sa loob ng mall hinanap niya ako? "Why did you come back here then, if 'di mo pala ako nakita kanina?" I added.
"Kanina pa ko pa-ikot-ikot sa loob. Nagbaka-sakali lang ako na bumalik ka dito. I can't just leave without finding you."
Ah, shiz. This guy, really . . .
"You could've texted me," I pointed out.
"Then you would've avoided me."
"True."
Racel paid for the drinks. Kahit hindi ko pa naiinom ang iba, hinatak na niya ako paalis ro'n. Pumipiglas pa ako but when I realized he only wanted to bring me do'n sa may walls, nagpatianod na ako.
I sat down on the wall. Unsteady ako kaya nakatayo lang siya sa gilid ko, tahimik na nakatingin sa 'kin. My eyes were trained on my shoes. Damn. Bumabagsak na ang mga mata ko sa antok.
Ramdam ko pa rin ang tingin niya. I looked up to him.
"What?"
"Why are you drinking alone?"
I hesitated and then I sighed. "It's Dad. He's in the hospital right now."
"That's why you tried to get drunk? It's not good to drink alone, you know that." Racel said, pinning his attention do'n sa guy na tingin nang tingin sa 'min. "Whatever is happening, your family can manage."
At the softness of his voice, I started tearing up.
Dammit.
Mukhang nag-panic si Racel sa pag-iyak ko. For a second, he just stood there, clueless sa kung ano ang dapat gawin. Para ngang hindi niya din ako matingnan sa mukha. But then, he suddenly reached out and pulled me into a hug. I could feel his hand on my back.
"Tahan na," he said, parang nahihiya that he made me cry. "C'mon, Iet's get you home."
I shook my head, unwilling to go.
"Why is it so difficult with my family lately? There's Gian. Now, there's Dad. Then there's also you. Do you know how much my cousins don't like you? Dagdag ka rin sa mga iniisip ko, e. They hate you," dire-diretso kong sinabi.
Racel stiffened. "I know."
"And you hate them back," I said as a statement.
He evaded me.
"You're drunk. Tara na. Let's talk some other time." Sinubukan niya akong patayuin, but I pulled my hand away.
"You hate them back, don't you?" I repeated, fully attentive sa sagot niya, desperate na malaman kung ano talaga ang nangyayari sa kanila.
His jaw clenched, an unfamiliar emotion registering on his face. "It doesn't matter. It's not related to you."
"It is. They're my family," I urged desperately.
"Iniiwasan ko na sila. I'm holding back. It doesn't matter anymore."
"Then why didn't you hold back din before?" I said before I could stop myself. "About Jepoy and Kimpee. That accident. It all started from there. I wanna ask. Bakit ka nagpadala sa kanila? I know I'm being unfair to you but I'm desperate. I need to know. Please tell me you're not a part of it. Do you know how much I want to trust you?" I said without pause. "I wanna know the truth, please. I wanna be sure that none of what we have are lies. Like, now, for instance. Why are you here? Why are you nice to me? Are you using me to get back at my brothers? Taking my trust and friendship so you can piss at their yard? Gano'n ba?"
There. I said it. My concern was finally out in the open. I bared to him my biggest concerns.
Ilang segundo ang lumipas. Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko.
Nakapikit pa rin ako. Kinakabahan akong tingnan siya.
Narinig ko ang paghinga niya nang malalim before he spoke up.
"This is the truth," Racel said, cupping my cheek and forcing me to look into his hooded eyes. I remained still, electrified at his touch. "This is the only truth. I'm real to you, Javee. Always. I've never been anything but sincere. Kahit kailan, hindi ako nagsinungaling sa 'yo. Kung ano ang nakikita mo, this is the real me. Trust me when I say it's the real thing. That I'd never done anything like this before."
That intense fierce light in his eyes and the way he said those words rendered me motionless and speechless. Tahimik ako habang hataw nang hataw ang puso ko. From afar, I could hear the loud singing of the band pero wala akong ibang marehistro kundi ang mabibilis kong paghinga.
"Damn. Can't you see I'm breaking my principles for you?"
Napasinghap ako.
"You mean it? You're not using me?"
"Yes."
With his actions, I couldn't help but want to believe. Pero ang daming inconsistencies. Naguguluhan pa rin ako.
I asked in a whisper, "Then ano 'yon? Tell me. If you're this nice guy, why did you do that to his friends?"
I felt him tense up. Something in his eyes flickered, something raw, and then he looked away. Sighing, Racel dropped his hand from my face and planted them on the sea walls. Umihip ang hangin, gently ruffling his black locks. There was a faraway look on his face.
Napahinga ako nang malalim sa hitsura niya.
"What exactly did you hear?" he asked quietly without looking at me. Guarded ang boses niya at straight ang tingin niya sa mga alon.
I told him everything. Lahat ng sinabi ni Mathev. How they said he'd instigated that fight with Jepoy and Kimpee and left them badly injured.
All this time that I was recounting, nakakunot ang noo niya na parang hindi niya gusto ang naririnig. Na parang ayaw na niyang balikan pa ang mga 'yon.
Seconds passed. He was having an inner battle with himself judging by the way his brows were furrowed.
I waited patiently, biting my lip.
"They're wrong," he said finally, "That's not the real story."
I listened with undivided attention as Racel told me the story, their side, for the first time. Lahat sinabi niya. How it all started, how it became like this, pati yung rivalry nila ni Kuya.
As expected, nagsimula ang lahat sa pagiging star players nila. No'ng una, healthy competition daw. Nagbabatian pa nga sila sa tuwing magkakasalubong sila. They respected each other and even had street basketball matches.
But then, thing's got heated up between the two teams. The usual, trashtalks. Iringan. Yabangan. Nag-away ang mga teammates nila.
Racel said he ignored it at first. Hindi siya nakikisali. Hindi niya rin pinapansin yung mga challenges directed at him. Gano'n din naman daw si Kuya. They both stepped out of it as a way of respect. Parang unspoken agreement between them. In Racel's defense, he simply just didn't care and had no time for it.
But things got worse between the two teams. To the point na pati silang dalawa nadamay na. Kuya Jacob's team started thinking na mayabang daw siya for coldly treating them. His side was also irritated sa overconfidence ni Kuya.
And then finally, after one ugly brawl between their members, Kuya Jacob went out of his way and asked him to control his team. S'yempre, pinagsabihan niya raw sina Marco but he could only do so much. There was another run-in between Jepoy and Marco. Doon daw nagsimula ang inis sa kanya ni Kuya.
There were other brawls. He tried his best to prevent them, but to Kuya, who was already frustrated, it was not enough. Then Jepoy crossed the line.
As it turned out, Marco was dating one of his friends pala, and to retaliate, Jepoy tried to steal the girl. That started Racel's feud with Jepoy. S'yempre, pati yung Marco nainis. Hanggang sa nagkagulo na naman sila. Marco's friend, who was a part of a frat, got involved, and that eventually led to the frat war which left Jepoy and Kimpee badly injured.
Caught in the scene, the two got suspended habang under investigation sina Marco at ang iba pa niyang mga kaibigan. Marco wasn't there when it happened and it was proven that he didn't instigate it kaya the authorities cleared him.
Kuya Jacob, enraged, then confronted their team again. But he didn't want another fight, so Racel finally stepped up to stop him. Dahil daw do'n kung bakit iniisip ni Kuya Jacob that he was in on it, too. Ang mas kinainis pa daw ni Kuya, hindi naparusahan si Marco while sina Kimpee at Jepoy, na-kick out sa school.
Tutok na tutok ako habang nakikinig sa kwento. Nahihimigan ko ang regret at frustration sa boses niya na para bang hirap na hirap at nasasaktan siyang i-kwento ang lahat sa 'kin.
With that vulnerable expression he had on, there was just no way he could be lying.
"We didn't incite that fight, but Marco's friend did. He was expelled and sued for what happened, but your brother thinks that's not enough. They think Marco and I are involved and should be punished too. I never bothered correcting them."
"Why didn't you explain your side to them?" I asked in a low voice.
"Would they have listened?" he asked. "No matter what I say, wala namang maniniwala."
He was right. There was that possibility, too.
I stayed quiet, taking everything in. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko. Nagpo-proseso pa lang din kasi sa 'kin ang lahat.
"I'm sorry. Do you hate me now?" Nagulat ako sa tanong niya. Napatingin ulit ako sa kanya. His eyes looked troubled habang hinihintay ang sagot ko. "Now that you know this, do you hate me now?"
"I don't," mabilis kong sagot.
I didn't hate him. He made mistakes, sure. But it wasn't his entire fault.
Racel sighed in relief. "This is the first time I talked about this with anyone."
I bit my lip. "Sorry, if I brought back bad memories."
He shook his head, shutting his eyes.
"Ayos na rin. I had to let it all out eventually." He added, "Even now, when I think about it, I still feel guilty because I couldn't stop it."
"You have to forgive yourself," I gently said. "Hindi mo rin naman ginusto ang nangyari."
"I had a part in it." Bumaling siya sa 'kin. "Do you believe me? What I said?" he asked uneasily.
Oh, I wanted to trust him. So so much. And after this, I was beginning to think I was trusting him more than what was allowed. Perhaps enough to take his word over my cousins.
Yes. They're my cousins. I'd always stand by them pero kilala ko rin sila. I knew they could make mistakes. Alam ko rin na posibleng dahil sa inis nila, they failed to see the complete picture, which actually made sense.
Hindi kumpleto ang mga narinig ko mula kay Mathev. Now, the big pieces had been filled. Naiintindihan ko na ang lahat. Nabawasan na rin ang mga gumugulo sa isip ko.
I nodded as an answer, which got a smile out of him. Humiga ako sa balikat niya at pumikit. Naramdaman ko ang pagbagsak ng kamay niya sa braso ko. Sa position namin, it looked as if he was half embracing me.
I let him, savoring the moment.
I was grateful. Kailangan ko talaga ng kaibigan ngayon and I was grateful na hinanap niya ako. I was also grateful dahil kahit na nahirapan siya, nag-open up pa rin siya. He was less mysterious and more human to me now, too. Someone na nagkakamali rin, like all of us.
"Thanks for being here." I opened my eyes and glanced up to him. "Sorry kung naistorbo kita."
Racel glanced down and met my eyes. Nalulusaw ako sa bare emotions na nakikita ko sa kanya. Deep, sincere care. Since when did we become this close and at ease with each other?
"Believe me. I don't want to be anywhere else."