Chapter Twenty Six
"Good Lord! What have you done to yourself?"
Nagising ako agad dahil sa boses na iyon. Nakatulog pala ako habang nakaupo sa isang sulok ng mausoleum. Pagtingin ko sa labas ay nagdidilim na.
My mouth was so dry and I don't know what to say. I always don't know what to say. Wala akong ideya kung paano pa makiharap sa ibang tao. Alam kong naaawa sila sa akin pero ayaw ko ng awa. Their pity won't bring Sam back to life.
"Zade — "
Huminga ako ng malalim bago nagbigay ng isang praktisadong ngiti. "I'm okay, Mom."
She looked horrified while she stared at my upper body.
Ngayon niya lang ito nakita. Nobody knows about my tattoos except for me and my friends September, Lyric and Ashford. Itinago ko ito sa pamilya ko. But it seems like secrets really can't be kept hidden forever.
"Kailan pa ang mga 'yan, Zade Andrei?" Matigas ang tono niya. Tumayo ako at isinuot ang polo kong ibinato ko kanina sa isang tabi. "Your entire body is filled with tattoos!"
"A few months ago."
"Why?" She demanded. I didn't want to give her the benefit of having a satisfied curiosity so I ignored her one-word question.
"Tinatanong kita Zade!" Nagtaas siya ng boses. She rarely raises her voice at us, but maybe I have really pushed her to her limits. Alam kong nahihirapan na silang lahat pakisamahan ako. Alam kong ginagawa nila ang lahat para iparamdam sa akin na hindi ako nag-iisa, na nandyan sila para sa akin.
But at the end of the day, it will always be Atlas who holds up the entire sky. It will always be him who tries to lift up the burden all by himself. And no matter how many soothing words people will give him, it will always come down to the fact that he is alone carrying the weight of the universe in his shoulders.
"Mom, bakit ka nandito? Tapos na ba ang reception nila Daze at Ian? I'm sorry hindi ako nakapunta. I was planning to kaya lang nakatulog ako," simpleng paliwanag ko. Mariin niyang ipinikit ang mga mata niya bago tinignan ang nitso ni Sam.
"Zade, what's with the tattoos? Hindi mo dapat ginawa 'yan. Look at yourself. Look at what you did to yourself. Anak, you're stronger than you believe."
Nagsisimula na namang gumapang ang inis sa sistema ko. I don't want to have this fucking conversation with anyone ever again. It's sucking all the energy out of me to constantly try to explain why I feel the way that I feel and why I do the things that I did.
"You need to let us help you."
"I said I'm alright, mother. You don't have to worry about me."
"I think you need psychiatric assistance. May kakilala ang Daddy mo—"
"I don't need a psychiatrist."
Mom shook her head and touched my face. "No, Zade. Tingin ko ay kailangan mo ng professional help para makausad ka sa buhay mo. You're only twenty five years old and there's still a lot more in store for you."
Nag-igting ang mga panga ko. "Nagamit niyo na ang linyang 'yan kay Daze no'ng seventeen siya. It won't work on me."
Hinaplos niya pisngi ko pero tinanggal ko ang kamay niya.
"I'm not a kid, Mom. Let me decide what to do with my life. You can't tell me to do this and do that, because you don't know how difficult it is for me to just get out of bed in the morning rather than sulk. It's hard, but in my own way, I'm trying to push myself to cope up."
"You're not! You think I can't read the emotions behind your eyes? You're not planning to move on! You're planning to stay this miserable for as long as you live!"
"And what is wrong with that? Kung 'yon man ang gusto ko, anong mali ro'n? Desisyon ko ang maging ganito." I took a shaky breath as I stared at her eyes. "If being happy is a choice, then being sad is, too. And let me tell you... It's not your choice to make."
"I love you, Zade—"
"If you really love me..." I held my head high. I need to say it with conviction, with finality, with authority. I am in charge of my life and not her. I am the only one who has a say in my actions. "You will leave me alone."
Her jaw grew taut. She stared at me with hurt and disbelief. But I couldn't take my words back. I needed to say it and she needed to hear it.
"Anak kita, hindi ko kaya..." Her voice became unsteady. Naramdaman ko ang sakit sa kaibuturan ko. My Mom is here in front of me, telling me she loves and that she couldn't leave me be. I should've cried like a baby, but the grief inside me was powerful and it dictated my actions. And right now, it doesn't want to show any bit of compassion.
It didn't want to yield even to the woman who brought me to this world.
And it hurt. So, so bad.
"Kung mahal mo ako kakayanin mo 'to, Zade. Kung mahal mo ako kalimutan mo siya at aayusin mo ang sarili mo," she said and it made my heart constrict. Hindi ko naman gustong makitang lahat sila nahihirapan.
"If I will ask you to choose between me and Dad, who will you pick?" Matapang kong tanong. Bumakas sa mukha niya ang gulat dahil sa biglaan kong pagtatanong.
Hindi siya makasagot. Just like what I've predicted.
"Hindi ka makapili, Ma, 'di ba? Kasi pareho mo kaming mahal ni Dad. Kasi hindi mo kami kayang pakawalan. You don't have to answer my question because I don't expect you to choose between two people you love so much. Pero gano'n din ako... I love you because you are my mother and you've given me so much love and for that... I will always be thankful. Pero you have to understand, that I am in love with Sam, too, and... I'm struggling to let her memories go. I don't ever want to let these memories go."
I gave Sam's gravestone a lingering look and sadness erupted inside me at once. "If you make me choose between you and her, I will not choose you. I will not choose her either. I will choose both of you because I can't let go of either one. I love you, yes but I can't forget her. I hope you understand me."
Tumulo ang luha sa mga mata niya at pinanood ko itong maglandas sa pisngi niya. Sinapo niya ang bibig niya at umiyak. "She's dead, Zade."
Mapait akong tumango. Alam ko naman iyon.
"She's dead, but she's not gone. She'll always be with me wherever I go. She'll always be the one person I can never move on from. That's how much she means to me."
Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit at napapikit na lang ako. I didn't stop myself from hugging her back. "My 'I love you' will never be enough to express my love for her. My love for her cannot be expressed using those three stupid words. If I will try to write down my feelings for her, I won't just have a page or a book. I'll have libraries. Millions of them."
"Mahal na mahal kita, anak." She sobbed and I caressed her back. I don't want to see her like this. I don't want to see her hurting.
"I'm sorry..." I mouthed. "If you really love me, then you will let me suffer alone. I don't want you or anyone else to suffer with me. Please." Bumitiw ako sa yakap niya. I gave her a synthetic smile before I opened the door to Sam's mausoleum. "I'll drive you home."
Hindi na siya sumagot pero nagpunas siya ng luha. Tinapunan ko na naman ng tingin ang nitso ni Sam bago lumabas. I mentally promised to visit her again. I locked the gate and walked side by side with Mom.
Nakita ko ang kotseng gamit niya na nakaparada sa likod ng kotse ko.
"Ipakuha na lang natin 'yan kay Mang Ruben."
I opened Ricardo's door for her. Matanda na ang kotse ko at kailangan ng palitan pero hindi ako bumibili ng bago. Tuwing nagloloko ito at nasisira ay pinapaayos ko lang. Hindi ko na kaya pang bitawan ang isa pang importanteng bagay sa buhay ko. Ricardo has a sentimental value to me.
Tulad ng sinabi ko ay inihatid ko pauwi si Mom sa mansyon. I kissed her cheek and went back to my car. Hilam na ang luha niya pero malungkot pa rin ang mga mata niya. She told me that she wants the best for me. I just smiled and told her that I'll be okay on my own.
Habang nagdadrive ako pauwi ay bigla akong lumihis ng daan. Tinahak ko ang isang daang pamilyar na pamilyar sa akin.
I remember reading a good book a few years back, maybe I was fifteen that time. It said there that everyone gets a tragedy, that there is a special tragedy designed for someone.
I have always imagined what my tragedy would be like. And now, I finally know.
I parked on a familiar building. Bumaba ako sa kotse at nakita kong bukas pa ito. Kumatok ako at nang makita ako ng may-ari ay napangiti ito. We've been acquaintances for a few months now.
"Another tattoo, sir?" tanong ni Henrik. I nodded and discussed the tattoo that I wanted him to put on my lower back.
He made me sit on a stool and I removed my top. I welcomed the pain brought by the needle. Pamilyar na sa akin ang sakit. Matapos ang kalahating oras ay tinapik niya ang balikat ko. He took a picture of it and showed me. "Medyo namamaga pa 'yan pero kapag hindi na ay mas makikita mo ang ganda ng pagkakagawa ko." He said confidently.
"I know. Thanks." I paid him and left quickly. Umuwi ako sa penthouse ko rito. Dumeretso agad ako sa bar section. I opened a canned beer and gulped it down.
I closed my eyes as the image of the tattoo appeared on my mind.
There was a symbol of an ankh -- the Egyptian symbol of life. Below it, written in bold, were two significant lines.
Everyone gets a tragedy.
Mine was losing you.
***
CELINE
Mataman kong tinitignan si William na nag-iihaw ng pusit at bangus sa labas ng bahay. Malapit lang kami sa dagat at binabalak naming mag-night swimming mamaya.
"Mahal mo siya, hindi ba?" Muntikan na akong mapasigaw dahil sa gulat sa biglaang pagsulpot ni Aling Nenita sa tabi ko.
"Iniintriga niyo naman ho ako." Nginitian niya ako bago tinignan rin si William.
"Nakikita ko sa mga mata mo ang adorasyon para sa asawa mo, hija. Hindi mo ito maipagkakaila sa akin," muling saad niya. Napakagat-labi naman ako.
"Mabait ho si William at maalaga. Hindi niya po ako pinabayaan sa kabila ng nangyari sa akin," I answered. "Bonus na po ang pagiging gwapo niya." Napatawa ako.
Sumandal ako sa hamba ng pintuan bago pinanood ang bawat kilos ni William. Napapangiti ako kapag nakikita kung gaano siya kaseryoso sa pag-iihaw. May hawak siyang pamaypay at pinapaypayan niya ang niluluto.
"Bagay kayong dalawa. Alam mo ba ang batang 'yan, parang ayaw na ayaw kang pakawalan. Kulang na nga lang ay itago ka niya sa buong mundo para lamang walang makaagaw sa iyo. Napakalambing at maalaga."
Napalis ang ngiti ko sa sinabi niya. That's not how I want to be loved. I don't want to be kept hidden, I want him to be proud of me. Minsan nga ay sumagi na sa isip ko na ikinahihiya ako ng asawa ko dahil may malaki akong peklat sa mukha, kaya hindi kami pala-labas.
Biglang lumingon si William at ngumiti sa akin. I smiled back at him.
He can be a clear blue sky one moment then stormy the next.
"Matatapos na ito, babe! Kaunti na lang!"
"Siya nga pala, Celine, magdeday-off ako bukas. Nagpaalam na ako kay William. Birthday kasi ng panganay ko," masayang sabi nito.
"Pakisabi ho happy birthday. Anong date na po ba bukas?" tanong ko.
"Eleven. April 11."
Napahinto ako. Parang nakaramdam na naman ako ng pagsakit ng ulo. Kumapit agad ako kay Aling Nenita at inalalayan niya ako. Napapikit ako bago sinubukang kalmahin ang puso ko na nagsimulang tumibok ng malakas.
I felt like the date held significance in my life. Hindi ko lang maisip kung ano. I can hear the familiar guy's voice again. He was whispering sweet nothings to me. His voice was a familiar rhythm to a dance that I have forgotten.
Ang boses na iyon ang nagiging sanhi ng pagsakit ng ulo ko. So I try to shut it out every time I hear it. I do the best I can to push it away.
"Celine, ayos ka na ba?" Nag-aalalang tanong ni Aling Nenita.
"Opo." Pagdilat ko ng mga mata ko ay nakita kong naglalakad palapit sa akin si William. Sinalubong ko siya ng yakap.
"What happened? Another headache?" He questioned worriedly and I nodded. He kissed my forehead. "I'm here now. You're going to be fine."
I believe him.
Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya. Narinig ko ang malakas at mabilis na pagtibok nito. I felt safe again. Napagtanto ko na baka nga tama ang sinabi ni Aling Nenita. Baka nga mahal ko na uli ang asawa ko. Napangiti na lang ako sa isiping iyon.
Naalala ko ang librong binili sa akin ni William noong nakaraang buwan. Sabi ro'n, lahat ng tao ay may kanya-kanyang trahedya na naghihintay lang mangyari. Habang nakasandal ako sa asawa ko ay dito ko napagtanto ko ang ano ang trahedya ko.
Everyone gets a tragedy.
Mine was forgetting the person I love.