#JustTheBenefits
Kabanata 70
Nakaupo ako sa isang gilid habang pinapanood iyong huling concert ni Shiloah. The past few months have been a roller coaster of wild emotions. Maraming kumakalat na balita tungkol sa akin. Hindi naman ako artista pero tuwing lalabas ako, pakiramdam ko palaging mayroong mga matang nakasunod sa akin. Mabuti na lang pala at hindi talaga halata na buntis ako lalo na kapag maluluwag na damit ang suot ko.
Shiloah also confiscated my phone dahil nalaman niya na nagbabasa ako ng mga online articles. One time, inabutan niya ako na umiiyak dahil sa mga nabasa ko.
I heard him sigh at saka marahan na kinuha sa akin iyong phone ko.
"Bakit ba palagi kang nagbabasa nito?" he gently asked as he wiped the tears away from my face. Ni hindi niya na tinignan kung anuman iyong binabasa ko at saka basta na lang isinara iyon.
"E ano ang gagawin ko? Wala akong magawa dito! Ang laki-laki ng bahay mo tapos wala akong makausap!" I complained. Right after graduation, kinuha niya ako sa condo ni Quin at saka dito pinatira sa bahay niya. His reason was I was his fiancé kaya responsibilidad niya ako.
Bumuntong-hininga na naman siya at saka hinawakan iyong kamay ko. He enclosed my hands between his and gently caressed it.
"Sandali na lang, Imo. Ikaw naman 'yung may gusto nito, 'di ba?" he asked and I nodded. It was my decision na tapusin niya iyong kontrata niya bago kami magpakasal. I just didn't want any trouble from Irina. Of course nung una ayaw ni Shiloah. He wanted to get married pronto. I just had to convince him about the long engagement and promised him that I'd be Mrs. Suarez after I give birth.
He didn't like any of that but he conceded because of me. I always have my way with him. My needs and wants would always trump his.
"Hindi talaga kayo ni Libby?" I asked him.
"Ha?"
I wiped another tear that fell from my overly sensitive eyes. Pakiramdam ko ngayon lang pumapasok iyong pagiging sobrang emotional ko. Halos lahat na lang ng bagay ay iniiyakan ko.
"Sabi kasi sa mga balita close na close na raw kayo..."
He gently laughed at my little problem and then leaned in and kissed my nose.
"Ikaw 'tong nasa bahay ko, buntis sa anak ko, at pakakasalan ko tapos kaya mo pang mag-isip ng ganyan?" he said and then gently smiled at me. He cupped my face and stared at my eyes intently. "Ikaw lang 'yung gusto ko. Ikaw lang 'yung kailangan ko. Ikaw lang talaga, Imo, at 'yung anak natin."
Humikbi na naman ako pero biglang nawala iyong pangamba sa dibdib ko. Shiloah loves me too damn much. Alam ko na hindi niya ako iiwan. If ever something would break us apart, I know it'd come from my end.
Napabalik ako sa nangyayari nung nagkaroon ng palakpakan. Nakita ko na natapos na pala si Shiloah sa kinakanta niya. Napangiti ako. He'd surely miss this. Alam ko na nag-eenjoy siya sa showbiz pero at the end of the day, kami pa rin ang pipiliin niya. We're his priority. He'll always choose us—me and his kid.
When he stood up and grabbed th microphone, my heart started beating fast. Alam ko naman kung ano ang mangyayari. For months, I had known that this would be his last gig at sa concert na ito niya iaannounce na titigil na siya sa showbiz.
I waited for this moment. I dreamt of this moment. Pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasan na malungkot dahil alam ko na kahit hindi sabihin ni Shiloah, mamimiss niya ito.
"Before I sing my last song, I have an announcement to make," sabi niya na naging dahilan para tumigil ang sigawan sa loob ng arena. Nakakatuwa lang isipin na dati front-act lang siya ni Kyle pero ngayon, siya na mismo ang nagcoconcert.
He briefly threw me a glance and smiled. I smiled back at him.
"Nitong mga nakaraang buwan, alam ko na maraming kumakalat na balita tungkol sa akin," he said. He was very calm for someone who's about to confirm the gossips surrounding him. Ilang buwan na maraming espekulasyon tungkol sa akin. I begged him to not confirm anything. At first, he got annoyed at me. Iyon siguro ang unang beses na nainis sa akin si Shiloah. I sucked it up because I was so tired of people following me around. Balita pa lang iyon pero halos sundan na ako ng mga fans ni Shiloah. Paano pa kapag nalaman nila iyong totoo? Pakiramdam ko ay baka hindi na muna ako lumabas.
"Her name is Imo and yes, I am very much in love with her."
Mula sa katahimikan ay naging maingay sa loob ng arena. I braced myself for this. Tanggap ko naman na hindi lahat, tatanggapin. I had long acknowledged the fact that some people just can't accept that their idols are humans who live a life.
"I never meant to lie but her happiness and safety are my priorities. The past months have been hard at kapag nalaman pa ng publiko na kami talaga, baka mas mapagod pa siya."
My heart started beating fast. He's about to announce my pregnancy.
"You see, we're pregnant and a month from now, there'd be a little Imo in our life."
Mas lumakas ang ingay sa arena. May ilan na nanlaki ang mata sa gulat, mayroong mga naka-ngiti, mayroon din namang halata iyong pagkagulat at dismaya. Iba-iba ang mga reaksyon nila at hindi ko mapigilan na kabahan kahit hindi naman dapat. After this, we're on our own.
"Humihingi ako ng tawad kung iniisip niyo na niloko ko kayo. Sana malaman niyo na hindi ko gusto na lokohin o paasahin ko kayo. Gusto ko lang kumanta at magpasaya ng tao pero mas mahal ko si Imo at 'yung anak namin."
Nagkaroon ng nakakabinging katahimikan sa arena. Para akong tanga na naghihintay sa isang tunog—kahit ano 'wag lang itong katahimikan. Hindi ko kasi alam kung ano ang nararamdaman nila. The silence wasn't giving away anything.
But then someone clapped.
And another followed.
And another one.
Until the arena was reverberating with applauses.
Para akong maiiyak sa sobrang tuwa. Alam ko na hindi ako dapat mag-alala sa iisipin ng iba dahil buhay ko 'to but knowing that Shiloah's fans accepted his decision was making my heart swell with too much happiness.
Nagkaroon ng mga sigawan sa arena. Maraming sumisigaw ng I love you, Shiloah! Umiiyak ako habang tumatawa. I held my tummy and whispered, "Naririnig mo 'yun, baby? Tanggap ka nila," and smiled because of the fact that Shiloah's still loved. I love Shiloah and I didn't want him to be hated for something he had no control over. Alam ko na mahal niya kami pero gusto ko na mahal pa rin siya ng mga tao. He's too good a human being to be hated just because he manned up and took his responsibility.
I looked at Shiloah and he was smiling. I was a little far from where he was standing but I saw glisten in his eyes.
"This would be my last concert and I'll be quitting showbiz," he announced and silence followed again. I could hear hearts breaking.
"Gwapo ka pa rin kahit may anak ka! 'Wag kang tumigil!"
"Tanggap namin si baby kaya please 'wag kang tumigil!"
"Paasa ka rin kagaya ng ex ko! Iiwan mo rin pala ako!"
Iba-ibang reaksyon. Nagkagulo sa ingay. I knew it would come as a shock to them. Kahit naman ako, ayoko na tumigil si Shiloah but it was his decision. I respect his decision kahit na hindi ako sang-ayon doon.
"Hindi naman ako mamamatay," he said as if it was his attempt to lighten up the mood. On cam, natuto na si Shiloah kung paano ang tamang pakikipag-usap sa mga fans niya. He learned a lot and had come a long way. But off cam, he's still my sweet and shy Shiloah. Some things never change and I like it that way.
"Pero mamimiss ka namin!"
"Mamimiss ko rin kayo," he replied. "Let's make a deal. 3 months from now, ikakasal na kami. Invited kayo lahat."
"Kaya mo kaming pakainin lahat?!"
He laughed. Hindi yata aware iyong mga fans nila na sobrang yaman ni Shiloah.
One time, sa sobrang pagka-bored, tinignan ko iyong mga gamit ni Shiloah. Biglang may nakita akong safe deposit box. My curiosity was piqued and it got the best of me. I spent a good few minutes trying to figure out the combination. Halos lahat na ng pwedeng code ay nagamit ko hanggang sa naisipan kong ilagay iyong birthday ng baby namin. It was just the estimate. Hindi ko na kasi alam kung ano ang possibleng code kaya sinubukan ko na rin.
And it opened.
Tinignan ko iyong laman. May mga bank accounts, investment portfolios, off shore accounts, land deeds, assets lists, land titles, properties on and off countries, bonds, at kung anu-ano pang may relasyon sa pera. Nanlaki ang mata ko sa mga nakita ko.
The heck! Alam ko mayaman talaga siya pero hindi ko akalain na ganito siya kayaman! Hindi kasi halata. Shiloah has always been low-key. No wonder galit sa kanya iyong mga kamag-anak niya dahil ganito pala karami iyong napunta sa kanya.
Itinago ko iyon at saka naupo. Hindi pa rin nagsisink-in sa akin iyong mga nabasa ko. It's too much. He's too much.
Hinanap ko iyong phonebook ng bahay na 'to at saka tinawagan iyong attorney ni Shiloah. Dumating agad siya a few minutes after. Apparently, Shiloah's his top client kaya isang tawag lang, dumating agad siya. I asked him to draw a pre-nup agreement. Nung una ay naguluhan siya kaya nagpakilala ako. I told him I'd get married with him but I didn't want the money. Ayoko na isipin ni Shiloah na dahil sa pera kaya ko siya papakasalan. Besides, as long as he's here, I don't think I'd need any of that. He's already too much for me.
Pinaliwanag sa akin nung lawyer iyong mga provisions at mga mangyayari and I agreed. Hindi naman ako nag-aalala para sa sarili ko.
Inilagay ko sa study iyong pre-nup at saka nagbake ng oatmeal cookies. Nung sinabi ko kay Shiloah na sobrang bored ako dito sa bahay dahil sobrang laki nga pero wala naman akong magawa, he got me a baking tutor and since then, kung anu-ano na ang ibine-bake ko. Baking feels therapeutic pero hindi ako mahilig kumain ng sweets pati na si Shiloah. Kaya iyong mga cookies, cakes, and pastries ay pinapauwi ko kay Manong Roger para sa mga anak at pamilya niya. Minsan nga biniro ako na bigyan na siya ng health insurance dahil baka magka-diabetes na sila ng pamilya niya sa mga binibigay ko, e.
I was in the middle of baking, Shiloah made his presence known.
"Pre-nup?"
Lumingon ako.
"Ha?"
"Sabi ni Atty. De Saavedra nagpagawa ka raw ng pre-nup?"
I nodded. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit siya mukhang naiinis na naman. Ito 'yung pangalawang beses na nainis siya sa akin. Alam ko dahil bihira lang naman siya mainis at kumunot ang noo.
"Bakit?" he asked.
"Ano'ng bakit? Hindi ko naman kailangan iyong pera mo. At baka isipin ng mga kamag-anak mo na mukha akong pera," I said. I met some of his relatives (in law, that is) and they weren't a bunch of nice people. Hindi na ako nagtaka na ampon si Shiloah dahil ang layo ng ugali nila sa kanya. He's like an angel surrounded by demons.
He closed his eyes and massaged his temple.
"I don't want money to be an issue in this family," he said. I bit my lip as he mentioned family. Pamilya na talaga ang trato niya sa amin kahit hindi pa ako nanganganak. "Ayoko sa pre-nup, Imo. Wala akong balak iwan ka. Kung ano ang meron ako, sa iyo lahat 'yun."
"But I don't need that ridiculous amount of money."
"Then we'll give it to our child."
"That's too much for someone!"
"Then let's have lots of babies para mas maraming maghahati."
A smile slowly dawn on my face.
"Okay?"
I nodded.
"Okay."
And then he tore the stupid pre-nup in half.
"Papakainin ko kayo lahat," he said. "So, hindi na kayo galit sa akin?"
Nagkaroon na naman ng ingay.
"Pasalamat ka mahal ka namin kahit ang sakit-sakit na!"
Natawa na rin ako. Sobrang understanding at bait nila kay Shiloah. Paano ba namang hindi? Sobrang bait din ng idol nila. Kulang na lang maging santo 'yan sa sobrang bait at haba ng pasensya.
Shiloah got his guitar and stood in front.
"This would be my last concert but definitely not the last time you'll see me," he said before he started strumming his guitar. "This song is for my fiancé, Imo. I love you," sabi niya at nagtilian naman iyong mga babae.
There are no words, to paint a picture of you girl. Your eyes, those curves, it's like you're from some other world. You walk my way, oh God is so frustrating... So why do I disappear when you come near, it makes me feel so small. Why do I blow my lines, most every time, like I got no chance at all...
I was like an idiot smiling while her tears were falling. Sinabi niya kasi na ito iyong themesong niya para sa akin dahil dati, akala niya talaga wala siyang pag-asa.
If I could be your superman, I'd fly you to the stars and back again. 'Cause every time you touched my hand, you feel my powers running through your veins. But I can only write this song, and tell you that I'm not that strong. 'Cause I'm no superman, I hope you like me as I am, oh yeah...
He really thinks I'm too perfect for him. Kung alam niya lang na iyon din iyong iniisip ko tungkol sa kanya. He's so perfect for me. I don't think I could ever compete.
It ain't no lie, I have to tell you how I feel, each time, I try it gets a little more unreal. You walk my way,oh God is so frustrating. So why do I disappear when you come near, it makes me feel so small. Why do I blow my lines, most every time, like I got no chance at all...
When the song ended, there was deafening applause. I was clapping, too. Ito na talaga 'yun. Tapos na talaga. Ito na 'yung simula ng buhay naming dalawa.
--
The next few days were hectic. Malapit na iyong due date ko at medyo malaki na rin iyong tiyan ko, thank God. Nakakalabas na ako ng bahay without the fear of being seen. Naging supportive iyong mga fans ni Shiloah kaya naman wala na akong dahilan para matakot at kabahan. Mukhang okay na rin si Irina dahil so far, wala naman akong naririnig sa kanya. I did my end of the deal so I wish she'd do hers.
Namimili na ako ng mga invitation na ipapadala. Our wedding would be a little intimate. Iba iyong gagawin para sa fans niya. Iyong totoo naming wedding ay gaganapin sa isang island na pagmamay-ari ni Shiloah. Hindi na ako nagulat na may island siya. Everything would be paid by him, of course.
Kaunti lang naman iyong kaibigan ko kaya hindi ako nahirapan. From Shiloah's side, humingi ako ng listahan ng mga gusto niyang imbitahin. I wasn't shocked nung wala roon iyong mga kamag-anak niya.
"It's our day. I don't want anyone upsetting you," was his answer when I asked him why.
Dahil wala rin naman akong magawa masyado dahil mayroong wedding organizer, I decided to be the one to distribute the invitations. Naibigay ko na iyong kay Mari. Of course kailangan na pumunta siya dahil siya ang maid of honor ko. Si Mrs. Ocampo ay invited din dahil ewan ko, she's been a mother to me kahit madalas ay stress ang inaabot ko sa kanya.
My father will fly here a week before the wedding. Si Shiloah ang nag-ayos ng ticket and accommodation nila. Pati iyong pamilya ng tatay ko ay kasamang uuwi. He got them first class tickets pati 2 weeks accommodation sa family suite sa 5-star hotel. Wala na talaga akong masabi sa kanya sa sobrang generous at bait niya. First time ko na makikita sila kaya hindi ko alam kung kakabahan ba ako o ma-eexcite.
Dinaan ko iyong invitation ni Tobi.
"I told you so," he said when he was reading the invitation.
I smiled. "I know. Thanks for the push," I told him. Kahit na sobrang prangka niya sa akin, I couldn't deny the impact of his words on me. He's one of the reasons why I was here. He pushed me until I could see no one but my future with Shiloah and for that, I will forever be thankful.
"Yeah, you're quite stupid but you're worth the headache," he said and then patted my head. Hindi ko siya madalas nakita dahil hindi na ako pumasok sa school. Naging delikado kasi iyong pagbubuntis ko kaya kahit na masakit para sa akin na huminto muna, ginawa ko pa rin because of my baby. Sabi naman ni Shiloah once na manganak ako at matapos ang kasal, I could always go back to school. He'll always support my endeavors.
We were talking when someone barged in.
"Sir, si Ma'am Isla hinahanap po kayo," sabi nung maid nila.
"Tell her I'm dead," Tobi answered with an impassive face.
"Sir naman..."
He sighed and then faced me.
"I have to attend to someone. See you on your wedding and don't mess this up," he said and then stood up. Tignan mo 'to! Hindi man lang ako hinatid palabas e hindi ko naman 'to bahay.
Napailing na naglakad ako palabas. Dahan-dahan dahil sa tiyan ko. Nakita ko na nandun siya sa may gazebo nila at may kausap na babae. I was really curious but I didn't have the time to pry dahil pupunta pa ako kay Quin. Maybe I'll ask him some other time para ikwento kung sino 'yung Isla na 'yun.
Papunta na ako kina Quin nung maramdaman ko na humihilab iyong tiyan ko. I tried to remain calm dahil next month pa ako manganganak but all my calmness went down the drain when my water broke.
"Manong Roger, manganganak na ako!" I shouted in hysterics.
Manong Roger stopped the car and quickly called Shiloah. After nun, he began driving again and told me reassuring words. Hindi ko na siya masagot because my tummy was hurting like a goddamn bitch.
"Shit! Fucking shit!" I cursed like a sailor dahil sa sobrang sakit. Parang bibiyakin ako sa dalawa! Shit!
Hindi ko alam kung paano kami nakarating sa ospital but before I knew it, I was in a gurney being ushered to the delivery room. Nakita ko rin na nandun si Shiloah and he looked pale as hell. He looked more pained than me!
"She's hurting," sabi niya sa doctor. "Can you please give her something to make the pain go away?" nag-aalala na sabi niya.
The doctor positioned me.
"7cm dilation," she said and then instructed me but I couldn't understand anything beside the searing pain.
I looked at Shiloah and see him wincing. Hawak ko iyong kamay niya at parang may naramdaman akong nabali. While breathing hard and sweat pouring down my face, I managed to ask him.
"I broke your hand," I told him dahil sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko, sobrang higpit din ng hawak ko sa kanya. "See a doctor," I said and then loosen my grip. Hinawakan niya naman ulit ang kamay ko gamit iyong kabila niyang kamay.
"I won't leave you," he said.
"Yung kamay mo!" I managed to hiss and then shout because of another fucking contraction! How can someone have too many kids? Sobrang sakit manganak!
"You can break my bones if that would lessen the pain," he said and then kissed my forehead. "My brave Imo."
He told me reassuring words while I was being enslaved by the contractions. Pakiramdam ko mamamatay na ako sa sobrang sakit.
"Finally, 10cm dilation. Ready to push, Imo," sabi ng doctor ko sa akin.
It felt like forever. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal umiire at kung ilang buto na ba ni Shiloah ang nabali ko but everything was worth it when I heard my baby's soft cries.
"Baby Suarez, male, 7.5lbs, August 9, 2016," the doctor announced. Napatingin ako kay Shiloah and he was looking at the baby intently. I could see him tearing up. "You want to hold the baby?" tanong sa kanya nung doctor matapos punasan iyong baby.
Shiloah looked at his hands and I realized that I just broke his hands.
"Pwede?" he said, his voice very low. Ngumiti iyong doctor at saka inabot sa kanya. He was very careful—parang babasagin iyong hawak niya. Lumapit siya sa akin at saka maingat na hinalikan ako sa noo. "Thank you, Imo. Thank you for this."
I was tearing up, too, when I saw our baby. He's perfection like his daddy.
--
It felt like a mistake na kumuha pa kami ng nanny dahil halos si Shiloah lang ang nag-aalaga sa baby. He's all over the baby. Minsan lang niya hindi nahahawakan kapag nagpapadede ako o kaya kapag may bumibisita at gusto ring hawakan iyong baby.
The house was so much brighter with baby Preston, named after my father, in our lives.
Nakabisita na ang mga kaibigan ko and they were all ecstatic. Lahat sila gustong maging ninong at ninang ni baby Preston. I couldn't blame them though because he's such a little bundle of joy.
All the pain I'd gone through was suddenly erased. He's worth all the tears and the heartache.
Dahil masyadong busy si Shiloah sa baby, ako na ang nag-ayos ng final arrangement sa kasal namin. I just visited my father and his family in the hotel para masigurado na well attended sila. My father's a good man kahit na hindi ko siya nakasama. Kahit na hindi sila nagkasundo ng Mama ko, hindi niya ako pinabayaan. And now, I just wanted to give back. And his family's really nice. His wife was very tender and I could see why he fell in love with her. I'll always be my mother's number one fan but I also know that some people just fall out of love and it's no one's fault. Life goes on and so should we. We may find love soon but if we don't, there are always plenty of reasons to cherish life.
The wedding would be held a week from now and everything so far has been accounted for. Kinakabahan pa rin ako. Wedding jitters? Maybe. O baka malungkot lang ako dahil pakiramdam ko mas mahal ni baby Preston ang daddy niya. Akala ko ba may espesyal na koneksyon ang baby at ang mommy niya? Bakit parang mas mahal niya ang daddy niya?
Nag-aayos ako ng final touches nung magring ang phone ko. Napailing ako dahil si Quin ang tumatawag. Lately, para silang bata ni Tobi. I thought they were both mature enough but as it turned out, no one's ever really mature when it comes to love.
"Quin, bakit? May problema ba sa sched? I'll really strangle you kapag hindi ka pumunta sa kasal ko. Kung anuman ang issue niyo ni Tobi, kalimutan niyo muna, okay? It's my day so—"
"Imo..."
My heart froze.