Who am I? That's a loaded question. I guess, I'm still trying to figure that part out myself. My name is Rin, just Rin. When I was a young girl, I watched my family being slaughtered by thieves. It's despicable to even think of it now, we had nothing worth of value, and yet they took away the most priceless things I had. People I can never replace.
Sesshomaru, who I'll come to know later, always called me rash, that I acted braver than I could possibly have the strength to live up to. And I was that day. I gauged out a man's eye, and was tossed harshly away. Before he could kill me, the leader stopped him. His voice still demanding him to spare me in my nightmares. "The kind of hell that awaits her in the living, will be far worse than any death you could give her." And with an evil smirk, they left me there to wallow in all of the blood. I don't think I ever left that place, not really anyway. There's a special part of my heart that bleeds blood that doesn't completely belong to me.
But this was a long time ago, and somehow I've learned to deal with it. I know some people call me foolish, and I always have a silly grin on my face, but I see a lot of beauty in this life. They thought they had resigned me to a hell, but I made the fires beautiful. I realized, they only burn if you think they will, otherwise they simply tickle. This is why I am happy, I choose to be.
Even when the villagers were most unkind to me, I still knew that I'd be okay. I learned to sustain myself even when they thought I'd end up dying, if not from the sorrow, from the hunger. I was forbidden to eat of the fish reserves, and so I found another river I ventured off to from time to time. Otherwise, there were edible plants my mother used to pick, and mushrooms, but you must always be careful when choosing which to eat. I was pretty good at making a fire too. I was okay on my own.
As fortune, no maybe fate, would have it, I stumbled upon a strange looking man while looking for mushrooms. His hair was white and long, and his skin so fair. But it was the yellow of his eyes that told me he wasn't human, that and the mark of a half moon on his forehead. Even though he was injured, he looked menacing, and still so beautiful.
Before I had realized what I was doing, I was beside him, and he paid no never mind to me. I stared at him for a while; both of us not saying anything. For him, I'd find out that was just a part of his persona, and me, I had refused speech, or it had refused me. Don't ask why, even the strongest lose something in an internal war.
I decided from that day forward, I would take care of him. No one else would help a demon, and I knew he was just like me in that aspect. Alone. Where no one would aid me, so I would aid him.
What do demons eat, I thought to myself. I figured I'd try everything. Day after day, he refused to eat, and I wondered if he might die. I never would have realized it back then, but he was such a proud man.
"Mortal," He called out to me. I only looked towards him, though his eyes still refused to meet mine. "Mind your own business. I don't like human food." What did that even mean? To this day I have yet to see him eat a single thing. At the time, I almost offered part of me to him, thinking he might need blood, maybe even flesh. But I had no speech, and I just sat near him like I did every day, giving him, giving myself, someone to make the loneliness disappear.
The next day I brought him fish I stole from the fish reserve, but I was very careful taking the villages supply. I don't know why I was never included with it, but it didn't matter. I'd just take what I needed; it wasn't for me anyway.
He was still sitting, staring off into no where as usual when I got there. I quickly built a fire on the charred ground, spearing the little fish with sticks. I left his sticking out of the grass near him, to eat if he so pleased. Quietly, I ate my own fill. "You." He had a way with words, in that he used them very sparingly. No matter what he said, people paid attention. "Are you not afraid of me, human?"
I knew I was supposed to be frightened, but I wasn't. There was no way I could ever explain it, so I simply shook my head. Silence again. If he were truly something to be feared, he'd have already tried to kill me. Maybe part of me liked to be around danger; it drowned out the pain that ordinary living brings. I left him again.
Another day, another fish to steal. I tried, with all my senses, to catch one, but I couldn't seem to grab one in time. "You! You little brat, so you're the one stealing the fish!" A harsh slap across my face caused me to fall backwards.
"To think we were kind enough to let you stay in our village!" Another man yelled out, picking me up by my hair. Hit after hit came, and I didn't make a sound.
"How creepy, the girl doesn't even cry." One of them said, dropping me on the bank.
The other one's voice was lighter as they made distance between us, but I still heard. "I heard those bandits that killed her family cut out her tongue. She can't even scream." That was the rumor about my lack of speech, but it was purely all in my head. As for crying, giving my enemy the satisfaction of seeing my pain, I was too strong for that.
Bruised and dirty, I picked some plants to give to Sesshomaru instead. I know it seems ridiculous to most people, to go out of my way to feed someone who doesn't eat. I was just a child, and he was a god to me. No, a lord--my lord as I referred to him as. Maybe I was so easily molded, and so weak that I found refuge in someone so cold as him. Just as the lighted bugs in the night, I caught glimpses of the goodness in his heart. That was enough for me then, but now I can see that there was a lot of darkness too.
I laid the plants neatly beside him, carried by my charred basket. This time, he looked at me, just for a moment. "Your face. What happened?" I was shocked. It was the first time anyone was concerned about me, asked anything of my well being. What happened usually means, are you okay? He was concerned, at least I thought so. And my chapped lips broke to form the first of many smiles that would be solely because of his existence. The purest kind of happiness. He quickly looked away, troubled by my expression. I continued to smile anyway as tears gently rolled down my face. It was in that moment that I decided I loved him.
What kind of love? I still really don't know. All I knew is that being around him made me happy, and that's what I thought love was, and it was in a way.
I felt good going back to the village, but as I opened my tent, a strange man was inside. Panic took over my brain, as images flashed of my dead family members. It's happening again; they've come to finish me off, I thought. "Is this your hut?" He asked with a handful of items in his hands. They were my families things, and I knew he would take them from me whether I got hurt trying to stop him, or just got hurt letting him.
I nodded, stepping out of the way. He must have thought he had stumbled on good fortune, stealing from a home when the parents were out. "Are your parents coming?" He asked. This was the part where I was supposed to lie to protect myself, to protect my family's things. I should have nodded yes, but I shook my head. The man paused, looking in my eyes and finding some sort of sadness, some finality to my parents not coming home. If he felt bad, I wouldn't have known. He took those things in his hands, nothing really valuable to anyone but me.
When I had thought my misfortune would end that day, it hadn't. Screams everywhere, and then there were howls. Wolves had descended upon us, and I watched as the villagers were torn limb from limb. Again, I was made to feel defenseless in the line of fire. If I'd have not been frozen in place, maybe I might not have met my cruel fate. And yet, it wasn't so cruel after all.
Three wolves caught sight of me. I wasn't a big treat compared to the bigger adults, but when they finished them off, they came for me. I ran off into the woods. Before my brain could realize what I was doing, my body had already been taking me there. I hadn't run off into those same woods out of a whim. My feet fell into the same patterns towards the white haired man, but I would never make it to him.
In my terror my last thoughts were not of my family that had died, but for that man that I thought I'd never see again. My heart yearned for him, and I tried to push my desire far off, because I didn't want to call any demons to grant my dying wishes. They always came with a horrible price. At the time, I would have just been satisfied with knowing his name.
I tripped, and that was it. The wolves devoured me in painful mouthfuls, and just as the villager had said, I couldn't even scream. I died there on the path.
I wasn't dead for long, and when my eyes opened they were drowning in a sea of yellow. Sesshomaru had come for me. His arm cradled me against him. I hadn't been held like that for some time, and I felt my voice stir inside of me. "Thank you." He had come back to save me.
I hardly noticed, Jaken, the green goblin like demon with him. "Sesshomaru-sama, what are you doing with a human child?!" He didn't answer as he set me down on the ground. "Ah, I just knew it! You were testing your sword on me. Oh, my lord, why do you do this to your faithful servant!" He started to tear up. All I knew is that I didn't want to be apart from him, so I followed. The servant came running behind us.
It took a while for Jaken to get used to a human around, but even he grew on me. He's cold, but he's loyal, and he's always very funny. I've learned that he never actually tries to be though.
Why he let me accompany him, even so much as to protect me over and over again, I have not the slightest clue. Obviously I thought it was because he cared about me, but I learned from his brother's group later on that he actually despised humans. So what was it about me? They called it love, said he'd never say it though. Even if it were, it still perplexes me.
Love. It can take so many different forms: friends, lovers, family. What exactly was I to him? What was he to me? At first, I was content with thinking of him as I might a father, but something about that began to feel wrong.
Now, all I have is time. I sit here in this village with only questions, questions and gifts he brings me from time to time. Those gifts only bring on more questions. The more I begin to pull away, the more the gifts come. But all that, is very strange to me. Sesshomaru doesn't show his feelings, or didn't.
"We can't just let her go around with Sesshomaru like that!" The demon slayer had said, as I curled up against the wall to listen to them the first night of my stay.
"Well, she seems to be okay." Kagome, the reincarnated priestess said. I thought I could at least count on her for support, since she was in love with the half demon brother, or hanyou as he called him. "But, I don't know how well he knows to take care of a child." Hmph, I had thought, I can take care of myself.
"Hmm I still don't know why he lets a human go with him." The brother said.
"Isn't it obvious, Inuyasha?" Kagome said, obviously forgetting how dense the half demon could be.
It was as if I could hear the emptiness whistling through his clueless head. "What's obvious?" He asked, dumbfounded.
Kaede, the old priestess of the village was the deciding vote. "The fact stands that she is a mere child, and it's not fair to think she is able to make a rational decision about the man who saved her." She started. They acted as if I'd been kidnapped. "We keep her in the village until she's older, and then she can decide. Let her be around other humans for a while."
A loud noise came from the entrance, he had made an appearance. Maybe they'd listen to him, at least. "Ah--Sesshomaru?!" Their voices were raised in surprise.
"Where is Rin?" He demanded.
Inuyasha stood up. "What's it to ya?" He yelled. A loud thud had indicated he had hit his younger brother. "I'm gonna kill you!"
"Inyasha, osawari!" The keyword that caused the beads around his neck to bring him crashing to the ground. Apparently he's hot headed, and Kagome has to say it a lot. It only works when she says it, trust me, I've tried.
Kaede stood up, speaking her feelings for the rest of the group. "It is a good idea that we keep her in the village for a while. You care about her well being, yes? We should let her live a human life for a while." Sesshomaru seemed to be thinking about it for some time, but as always, he kept much to himself.
"Rin. Come out." Of course he'd have sniffed me out; he is a dog demon after all. I obeyed his command, much to everyone's surprise on finding out I had been eavesdropping.
"I want to go with you!" I pouted. It isn't like me to demand something, I was taught obedience from him after all. To my surprise, he didn't scold me. He leaned down to my level and rubbed my head with his hand.
"No. You stay here a while." Tears started to fill my eyes, and he wiped them away. "Rin, stop crying." Obediently, I ceased.
Jaken ran up beside me. "This is absurd! You can't tell Sesshomaru-sama who he can't travel with?"
"Jaken. Silence." He stopped, but his obedience came from a great fear of him. Although, Sesshomaru was fast to abuse him, so it made sense.
I knew it was worthless to speak, and I know I shouldn't talk back, so I was silent in my heartache. These people weren't bad people, but I still didn't want to stay at the time.
With as much clarity as I could muster, I tried to steal some comfort from him. "Will you come back for me?" All ears were trained on us. They, just as I had, knew his answer would help them determine the relationship we shared. I guess I wasn't really expecting what came next.
His hand fell from my head to the bottom of my chin, forcing me to gaze into those intimidating eyes. "I will wait for the decent age of your kind, and then," I stopped breathing in case it would cause me to not fully hear his words. "you're to be my wife." Objections were all jumbled together, as I was only eight years old. I didn't really understand back then, and I'd end up carrying the weight of that confusion to when I could.
I prepared to answer, and everyone was dead silent. "Yes, Sesshomaru-sama!"
At the time, it seemed like everything I wanted: to be with him. But they were right, I didn't know anything else but simply obeying him. Romantic love, though. How could I possibly fathom that between us? He was always a man, and I was always a child.
And through these years I have grown increasingly confused, as I grew into a woman, and he was still the same. Was he grooming me for this, or did he really find something inside me to love? Do I love him like that? Do I even still love him at all? I don't know.
A/N I watched Inuyasha in Japanese, so if there are some differences that's why. (I am also reading the manga right now!) As such, I will be using some Japanese, not too much. Thanks for reading; I'm super excited to write this!