"흐르는 눈물을 닦으며 안녕
And I say goodbye as I wipe my tears,
우는 널 안아주며 고민을 해
As I held the crying you, I was thinking,
이기적인 내 표정을 감추고
Hiding my selfish face.
한 없이 슬픈 눈을 보이며 또 안녕
With endlessly sad eyes, goodbye once again.
사랑했던 시간과 이별하는 끝이
I didn't expect the times we loved,
다르길 바란 건 아닌데 잊어야 해
And the end where we said goodbye to be any different.
내게서 내게서 그리고
But you need to forget me
네게서 네게서 떠날게
And I'll leave you."
❁❁❁
I TWIDDLED MY thumbs nervously as I stared at the chauffeur load countless of Louis Vuitton suitcases into the black Bentley in front of me. Even though I was glad to send Siobhan off, I couldn't help but feel as if I was helping her keep a dirty secret. When she told me that she was moving to Kyoto, I thought she was just pulling another one of her pranks. Even now, minutes away from her departure, I couldn't help but think that she was going to jump out from behind me and tease me for being so gullible.
"Do you know why she's leaving?" I couldn't resist asking the tattoo-clad boy next to me. Jonah Graves glanced up briefly, shooting me a small smile and nodding.
"Yeah," he said. "She wants time alone to find herself."
"In the middle of a semester?" I said, raising an eyebrow. Jonah chuckled, shrugging his shoulders casually.
"Siobhan's like that," he replied simply. "She's a free-spirit. She hates being tied down to anything or anyone."
"Don't you...worry? That she'll find someone else in Japan?" I asked hesitantly, scrunching my eyebrows together. The image of Yuko and Siobhan leaning in, closer and closer, flashed through my mind again. A rush of guilt washed over me whenever I saw Jonah, and I constantly debated whether or not it was my business to tell him about what I saw.
To my complete surprise, Jonah only laughed and reached over to ruffle my hair.
"You are so clueless that it's kind of cute, you know?" Jonah mused, a small smile resting on his lips. "Siobhan's great and I'm crazy about her. It's hard not to be; she's got a brilliant mind, a wicked sense of humor and she can make you feel like the very reason you exist is so you can meet an individual like her. But that's it. That's all she's going to offer you. You don't get to choose which parts of her to love, she decides that on her own. And one thing Siobhan Lanigan never does is hand over her heart."
"And you're okay with that?" I asked, eyes widening in disbelief. "You would willingly give your all to love someone even though you don't know if she'll ever truly belong to you?"
Jonah's smile widened and an unreadable emotion flashed through his eyes. Was is elation? Or misery?
"Isn't that what love is? Giving your all to someone that you think will make you really, really happy— regardless of whether or not they love you back. Because being allowed to love them is enough...that's what love means to me," he said softly, looking away from me and blowing out a long sigh.
"I wish I could say so for someone else," I mumbled under my breath, Yuko's face flashing through my mind.
"What was that?" Jonah asked, craning his neck closer to try to hear me.
"It's nothing," I quickly said, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. "Where is she? She's going to be late."
"No, I'm not," a voice said from behind me. Turning around, I saw Siobhan strolling towards us casually, her dark hair pulled up into a messy up-do.
"There you are," Jonah said, his smile widening. He stretched his long arms out, beckoning for her to come closer. Siobhan laughed lightly before running into his arms, sighing softly.
"I'm going to miss you," she murmured, nuzzling her face into the crook of his neck.
"So am I," he laughed, stroking the back of her head tenderly. "But you're going."
Was this boy really the gangster everyone said he was?
Siobhan nodded her head, a grateful smile resting on her heart-shaped face.
"I knew you'd understand, Jo."
"Are you sure you don't want to tell Asher and the other boys?" I asked, biting my lip. Siobhan's smile faltered, uncertainty flashing through her eyes. She shook her head finally, coming to terms with her decision.
"I can't," she mumbled. "If I see those rascals here too, I'm never going to leave."
"Miss Lanigan?" the chauffeur said, bowing slightly. "Your ride is ready."
"Guess that's my cue," she said, grinning. Siobhan took a second look at Jonah, her smile faltering slightly. "So this is goodbye, isn't it?"
"It was great while it lasted. I love you," Jonah added, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "Thank you."
Siobhan blinked, swallowing. Then her lips curved into a sincere smile, nodding her head at Jonah. She turned towards me, pulling me into a tight hug.
"Thank you for coming," she murmured, her words sincere. I felt my throat close up, knowing that I was going to miss her a lot. "I know we haven't been friends for a long time but you're very precious to me. Thank you for seeing the boys as they are. One of the reasons why I always hesitated leaving was because I was worried about them. But I know you won't let them do anything stupid."
"I h-hardly know them," I stuttered, scrunching my eyebrows together. Siobhan laughed, shaking her head.
"And yet, you've already gotten past their defenses. Take care, alright? This won't be the last you'll be seeing of me."
I don't know how long Jonah and I stood staring at the pavement where the Bentley was parked after the car peeled out of the front entrance, leaving Meilleur behind. Jonah sighed, reaching into his pocket and retrieving a packet of cigarettes.
"Want one?" he offered, but shrugged when I declined. He took out a small silver lighter with intricate floral designs out of his pocket. He froze, staring at the lighter before laughing softly under his breath, as if he was remembering a good memory.
"What is it?" I asked curiously. Jonah smiled, raising the lighter for me to see.
"This is her favourite lighter," he said. "She lent it to me the other day and told me to return it even if it was going to be the last thing I do. I guess this is a sign that it isn't goodbye."
I was just about to reply when suddenly, a person came tumbling to a stop beside me, breathing heavily. My eyes widened when I realized that it was no one else but Yuko Hideyoshi. His usual calm and composed demeanor was nowhere to be seen. His hair was messy as if he's been running his hands through it for hours, and droplets of perspiration lined his forehead and neck, making him glisten under the afternoon sun.
"Where is she?" he demanded, trying to catch his breath. "Where is she?"
"She left a few minutes ago," I said hesitantly, grabbing his arm gently. "Yuko, calm down."
"How am I supposed to calm down? She's gone!" he shouted, covering his face with his hands and cursing loudly.
"If you go to the airstrip, you might catch up with her," Jonah said, shrugging his shoulders. Then, his eyes narrowed slightly and his lips quirked into a smirk. "She's not going to stay because of you, Yuko."
"Mind your own business," Yuko seethed fiercely, the murderous glint in his eyes making me take a few cautious steps back.
"You don't get it, do you? Siobhan's never going to settle down for anyone just because they want her to," Jonah said, his pink lips stretching into a lazy smile. He shrugged his shoulders casually, scratching his head. "She's a free spirit, and you are weighing her down."
"Fuck off, Graves," Yuko growled, shooting daggers with his eyes at Jonah. Jonah smirked, then turned to me and winked.
"See you around, cutie."
When Jonah finally disappeared from sight, Yuko let out another curse and kicked the curb violently. I winced, biting my lip. Cautiously, I wrapped my hand around his bony wrist and tugged gently, causing Yuko to sigh and offer me a weak smile.
"Sorry about that," he mumbled, looking away.
"Are you─"
"Don't ask, Alex," he practically pleaded, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "Just don't."
I stared at him a second longer before pursing my lips and nodding.
"She likes you, you know," I murmured after some thought. Yuko stiffened beside me, clenching his jaw tightly. I was afraid that I made him angry again, but to my relief, he only sighed.
"Having feelings for someone isn't enough to guarantee that a relationship will be successful," he replied quietly. I was at a loss for words, and thankfully Yuko didn't mind.
"Besides, I was the one that broke up with her," Yuko said, sucking in a deep breath. I blinked, taken aback by the sudden realization. All this time I had assumed that it was Siobhan that had broken up with him, with her being a free spirit and all. Little did I know, Yuko was the one that had ended their relationship.
"Why?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.
"Because I was selfish," he replied simply. "I was too stubborn to compromise with her. And I really hurt her during the time that we were together. She desperately wanted us to work out, but I was too selfish and childish to realise that until it was too late. In an attempt to keep her by my side, I turned into a completely different person. I hurt a lot of people, too. But that's just life, isn't it? We make mistakes and the things we desperately want turn out to be the pain that we didn't need."
"But then...at the hospital...," I murmured, before slapping my hand over my mouth and cursing at myself internally. Why did I have the tendency to spit out whatever I wanted before I could even realise what I'm saying?
"Don't worry about it, Alex. I knew you saw what happened," Yuko said, letting out a small chuckle much to my horror and embarrassment.
"All this time, you knew?" I cried, feeling my ears burn in embarrassment.
"Yeah. You acted really strangely after we came back from London, and I put the two and two together and figured that you witnessed what happened between Siobhan and I. We didn't kiss, by the way. She wouldn't let me," Yuko explained.
"You didn't kiss?" I gasped, jaw dropping. I was so certain that something had happened between them.
Yuko shook his head.
"Yuko, you know you mean so much to me, but I can't do this– not to you, not to Jonah. Please learn to let me go. You deserve so much more than me," Siobhan said softly, reaching up to hold Yuko's cheek.
"But I only want to deserve you. I made a mistake and I hurt you. But I will change for you, Siobhan."
"Yuko...," Siobhan sighed. Her hand dropped to her side. "I mean it when I say that you are so perfect. When you move on, I know it will hurt and I will get jealous and angry and I will curse your name and my heart will ache for you. But that is where it should end. We can't be together. You know this. Just because you feel lonely now, just because there's an absence beside you– that doesn't mean that you miss me. You just miss the idea of me."
After he had recounted what happened back at the hospital, it was safe to say that I was speechless. At my flabbergasted expression, Yuko smiled and shook his head.
"You don't need to wrack your brain for words of comfort. I'll be alright in time. Come on, it looks like it's going to rain soon." The both of us walked in silence, aimlessly wandering around the school building. When I made a move to withdraw my hand in his, he stopped me.
"This is embarrassing," he said, wincing slightly. "But would you mind letting me hold your hand for a little longer?"
Looking into his sad eyes, my expression softened and I nodded. I laced my fingers through his and gave his hand a light squeeze. Even though he tried hard to hide the pain in his expression, I could see if seeping out of the cracks of his façade.
"She didn't want to upset you. That's why she didn't tell you she was leaving," I said quietly.
"It's her life," Yuko said, a look of tired resignation appearing on his handsome features. "I have gotten used to it."
"Do you love her?" I couldn't help but ask, even though I already knew the answer. I was expecting him to deny it, but he simply nodded.
"It is hard not to. But the thing about love is that love doesn't want to stay sometimes. With Siobhan, love can't stay."
I think that was what made my heart ache even more for this strange new friend of mine. Even though he loved her, he also knew that they could never be. He was so used to it that he didn't even bother to deny anything anymore.
In my silence, Yuko smiled softly and squeezed my hand.
"Don't beat yourself up over this. It's not your fault. Thank you for caring, though. I really do appreciate that."
I blinked, slightly embarrassed and slightly astonished at how perceptive he was.
"I keep forgetting that you're a genius with psychology degree," I laughed, shaking my head in amazement.
"This has nothing to do with my intelligence, Alex. You're an open book," he said.
"Am I really?" I groaned, causing Yuko to let out a small laugh.
"There's nothing wrong with that. It just means that you're honest. In this world, everyone has something to hide and it's hard to find someone so open and honest. It's nice," Yuko reassured, even though I was still doubtful. We came to a stop in front of a dark cherry wood door with a gold plate that read PRIVATE LOUNGE.
"Would you like to come in?" Yuko asked and before thinking the better of it, I nodded. With a smile, Yuko pushed the door to the lounge open. To my absolute horror, three familiar faces looked up at Yuko and I in surprise. The first person who I made eye contact with was Robin, and my face turned a nasty shade of pink when I remembered our kiss. Robin blinked before the surprise on his face vanished and was replaced with a stony expression.
It's been three days since his 'visit' and I haven't spoken to him since. From what everyone was talking about after the big fight between Jake and Robin, it seemed that Robin had been suspended for two days. I had tried texting him for the past two days but he never replied. I just assumed that it was because he was busy working up a storm. As for Jake? He got what he deserved. Expulsion.
Seeing Robin again after so many days of absence, I was taken aback by how handsome he was. How come I never noticed how his honey blonde hair glinted under fluorescent lights, making him look like he had a golden halo over his head?
"God, it's you again," Asher grumbled rudely, rolling his eyes.
"Yes, it's me. You're welcome," I snapped, narrowing my eyes at him. Logan, who sat next to him, broke out into a grin.
"Oh, I'm very welcomed," Logan said, winking flirtatiously at me. Robin scowled, reaching over to smack his friend in the back of his head.
"Ow!" Logan whined, rubbing his head with a pout before grinning mischievously at Robin. Robin's frown only deepened, making him look as if he has a storm cloud over his head.
"Serves you right, you idiot," Robin snorted, before returning to using his phone.
"She's only your fake girlfriend," Logan muttered and quickly dodged when Robin's hand came flying toward his face again.
"Excuse me! Do I have to remind you that my face is the most valuable thing in this room?" Logan huffed, shooting Robin a playful glare while Robin rolled his eyes with a heavy sigh.
"Come on," Yuko beckoned, stepping into the lounge. Hesitantly, I followed behind him. Floor-to-ceiling bookshelves lined the wall on the right while the rest were adorned with expensive oil paintings and brass wall lights.
"When we said we could use some help, I actually meant it," Asher complained, shooting me another scrutinizing glare.
"Alex will know what to do," Yuko insisted, much to my confusion.
"Huh?"
"We're brainstorming for gift ideas for Emily," Yuko explained.
"We'll just settle for the car," Robin sighed, rubbing his temple. By the looks of it, it seemed as if the boys had been debating about this for hours.
"I'm telling you, girls don't like that shit!" Asher groaned in protest.
Robin quirked an eyebrow and glanced at me, "Alexandra does."
"Alexandra is not considered a girl!" Asher nearly yelled in frustration.
"Hey!" I protested angrily. Before the stupid, arrogant swine could say anything more, Yuko cleared his throat softly and gave his friend a pointed look.
"Alex is here because Emily is her best friend. She knows her best," Yuko said calmly. Asher looked like he was just about to argue before Yuko shot him another look, causing him to slump against his leather seat with a scowl.
"This is stupid," Asher grumbled under his breath.
"Lover boy's jealous," Logan sang while shooting Asher a teasing smirk, this time prepared to catch his friend's arm before it made contact with his head.
"Shut your mouth, Marshall, before I shut it for you," Asher growled, his bright green eyes narrowing at Logan, who looked more than pleased that he managed to rile Asher up.
"How about that new Chanel handbag?" Logan suggested, piping up excitedly at his idea. "There's a baby pink one that Emily might like. The collection isn't available to the public yet, but I can get in touch with Karl and I'm sure he'll be more than happy to gift it to her."
"Or the new Beemer?" Robin offered. "I can pull a few strings and get the interior customised pink."
"What about a telescope?" Yuko chimed, pushing his glasses that had slid down his nose up. "I know a friend that can make a custom scope with a rose gold finish."
"Guys," I sighed loudly, getting their attention. All of them stopped mid-conversation and turned to look at me expectantly.
"Emily's favourite colour is grey," I said slowly. They blinked.
"I know that!" Asher defended, pointing an accusatory finger at his friends. "They're the ones that assume all girls like the colour pink!"
"Siobhan and Reiko are the only girls we know, and they like pink just fine!" Logan snapped, crossing his arms and pouting. I let out an exasperated sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose.
"Okay, look. Your suggestions are nice and all, but Emily can afford those things for herself," I explained. The boys gave each other confused looks, except for Logan, whose eyes brightened in excitement.
Logan cocked his head to the side, "Aha! So we need to give her something she can't buy? Then the unreleased Chanel bag will be perfect!"
"No, Logan. Something that can't be bought with money," I explained slowly, waving my hands around and beckoning them to get on track with me.
"Then what are we supposed to get her, know-it-all?" Asher scoffed condescendingly, raising an eyebrow at me. The two sterling silver rings on his brow glinted under the lights, mocking me.
"Without money, we're kind of useless," Logan added, frowning slightly.
"Why don't you make her something?" I finally suggested with a confident smile. "You are all pretty talented from what I heard, right?"
"Are you kidding me? Duh!"
"Obviously."
"Of course!"
"So make her something! Logan, you're a musician; you can write her a poem or a song. Asher, you're an artist, paint her something."
"What about us?" Yuko piped up, surprising me for a second. He'd been so quiet the entire time that I completely forgot that he was beside me. "Robin and I don't really have any special talents."
I bit my lip, wracking my mind for ideas.
"What about cooking her a meal?" I finally suggested. "You boys can make her a birthday dinner."
Robin and Yuko looked at each other, exchanging silent words, before Robin sighed.
"If this doesn't work, I'll be holding it against you, Alexandra," Robin muttered disgruntledly.
Yuko smiled, before leaning down and whispering in my ear, "Thank you. I knew it was a good idea to get your help."
I blushed slightly and smiled. "You're always welcome, Yuko."
"You two lovebirds are going to make me puke," Asher groaned.
At the same time, Logan grumbled dramatically, "You're breaking my heart!"
Robin looked between the both of us. I caught his cloudy expression before he turned and looked away, returning his attention to his laptop. I bit my lip, suddenly feeling very awkward standing so close to Yuko. I opened my mouth to speak, wanting to ask Robin to come out and have a private talk about what happened a few nights before, but before I got the chance to, Logan beat me to the punch.
"Anyway, since Emily's birthday gifts are settled, do you want to hang out here for a little while?" Logan chimed, offering me a small smile. Asher rolled his eyes and let out a snort.
"You wish, Logan. I want her out of this room as soon as possible," he said, before shooting me a condescending smirk.
"Don't be an ass," Logan chided, frowning slightly. "Why don't we have a vote instead? Majority wins."
"Statistically speaking, majority always wins," Robin pointed out in a monotonous voice without ever looking up from his screen.
"Whatever. Yuko, do you want her to stay?" Logan asked.
"I don't see why not," Yuko replied.
"Asher?"
"Is it even necessary? You know the answer's going to be n─"
"I was just checking if you decided to stop being an asshole," Logan said, cutting his friend off and offering him a large, toothy grin. "Apparently not."
"Fuck off," Asher grumbled, rolling his eyes and sinking into his seat with a grumpy expression. Finally, Logan turned to Robin. Before Logan could ask, Robin looked up, straight at me.
"I think she has overstayed her welcome," Robin said, narrowing his eyes at me. I frowned slightly, feeling confused and hurt all at the same time. Why was he being so cold?
"Geez, is it just me or did the temperature in this room just drop?" Logan mumbled, shivering dramatically and casting a curious look at Robin. Then, Logan turned to me a shot me a kind smile.
"It's a tie, so you get to decide," Logan said, much to Asher's displeasure.
"That is not how votes work," Asher protested. I let out a huff and rolled my eyes.
"Don't get your panties in a twist, Asher. I was going to leave anyway," I muttered angrily before turning around and stomping out of the room as quickly as I could.
I left in a hurry, and the more I thought about Robin's stupid face, the angrier I felt. I didn't understand why he was being so cold and rude towards me. I thought we were past this. I mean, we kissed for Christ's sake!
Did he regret it? Was he going to pretend as if nothing had happened between us? But...it felt like he was genuine when he said that he would wait. Did he just say it for the sake of it?
Why are boys so goddamn confusing?
"Alexandra!"
I whirled around, eyes wide, trying to catch my breath. I didn't realise I was running. I stood in my spot, a metre away from him. I crossed my arms, glancing at him before looking away awkwardly.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as I could while he just continued to stare at me with narrowed eyes.
❁❁❁
A/N: Assignment deadlines are closing in and I'm starting to feel really suffocated. Haven't been taking care of my body for the past few weeks and have noticeably lost weight...and I'm more low-energy and restless than usual. Take care of yourselves and sleep well everyone, it's a hard cycle to break.
Song of the Chapter: Narcissus // Kim Heechul ft. Jung WheeIn