March 25, 2005
Kai was never the same after his treatment. Some of his symptoms may have been treated for now, but he was a changed man. He acted differently than he would before. Dakota never understood what to do for him and it became tiring to her. His mind was constantly somewhere else and he distanced himself from the people he loved. It eventually took its toll to where Dakota felt hopeless in helping him and withdrew her instincts of care. Scott couldn't find it in himself to attempt to help either. He would be on his own.
Having some time off, Kai went to Washington to visit Scott and Nelly. He crossed paths with Nelly first when he was getting some coffee. They sit outside the back of the building where they'd have more privacy to have an open conversation since Kai wanted to tell her personal things as well.
"Dakota tells me you're a changed man. It'll be like I won't even know you as the person you were before," Nelly starts off.
"I'm dealing with my problems," He replies and shrugs it off.
"Is that all you have to say?" She asks with a slight chuckle.
Kai huffs and rubs his eyes, "I needed isolation."
"For what reason and why?"
"From everyone until I felt like the person I was before. I want to be the person who could get through all his struggles," He explains while motioning with his hands in frustration.
"You don't need to return to the person you once were. You can become someone better than before," Nelly consoles him, "And you need to let yourself accept that it's okay to receive help from other people."
Kai looks past Nelly to the brick wall, he understood what she was trying to say. It was hard to overcome that, though. What if he didn't become someone better?
He crosses his arms before speaking, "I know—I'm just afraid it won't go the way it should."
"You don't get to plan how your life goes."
"I mean you kind of do since what you do affects what goes on in your future," He lightens up his tone and shows a small smile, "Enough about me. I know it's hard keeping up with each other since we're withdrawn in our lives. How have you been?"
She shrugs and taps the side of her cup as she speaks less confidently, "It's hard keeping in touch with people when I'm constantly traveling with research groups. I'm glad our friendship hasn't died off yet, it's good to have a constant in my life. I wouldn't really know how to answer you, though."
"Why not?" He asks and looks back at her.
"It's nice going places but at the end of the day, sometimes it'd be nice to have someone to go home to. Not even physically—just to be able to go to someone who's been thinking of you."
"Have you lost faith in finding love?" He chuckles a bit.
"Sometimes I have but then I look at other people in love and I gain a little of it back. Are you blind to your love?" She asks and arches her brow.
"No idea what you're speaking of."
Nelly sighs and adjusts her seating position, "Remember when we went to that huge fair by the creek with a group over the summer?"
"Of course, who could forget about that crazy night?" He smiles thinking back to it.
"I saw the way you looked at Dakota. I'm no cupid but I'm not blind either."
Kai nods and remains quiet for a moment, "I've had my moments with Dakota but I'm not sure if she's had her moments with me. Nelly, I've messed all of it up, what do I do? Dakota's left my side completely because I couldn't let her in. I know Scott won't attempt to tell me anything because he doesn't understand how else to help me."
"Talk to them. That's all you have to do," She shrugs then sips her coffee.
"Could you get me a flight to Philly by tonight?" He asks as he stands.
"Set things right, don't think of anything else," Nelly nods.
Kai nods and thanks her quickly before rushing off to the retirement home where Scott still remained at. He found Scott in the entertainment room playing chess on his own. His dull blue eyes looked up as Kai approached him.
"Kai, what are you doing here?" Scott questions.
"I—I came here to see you."
"I believe you came here to actually talk more rather than see me."
"You know me, gramps," Kai rolls his eyes and takes a seat, "I never learned how to cope with it."
"Speak your mind, son."
"I suppose I'm here to make my amends for how I've been lately. I didn't need to push away the ones I loved when I'm fighting a battle on my own. I was just afraid of hurting the people around me," Kai explains quickly.
Scott nods and breathes out heavily, "It's alright."
He studies the chess pieces and all the possible moves that could be made. There was an uneasy silence settled between them, it made Kai have a need for Scott to say more. Wasn't there more to say than two words?
"Is that all?" Kai says quietly.
Scott shifts in his seat uncomfortably not knowing how to respond. He clears his throat before speaking, "It was like you forgot about the ones who cared for you. The people who always stood by your side—you pushed them away as if they meant nothing. I know you tend to do this often but it's not a tactic you should always resort to."
His response spoke the entire truth, it made Kai question his actions once again. The bad habit he could never get out of. He still hurt the ones closest to him even if he distanced himself. The thought of Dakota's response to all this made his heart hurt. There was the physical feeling of it. The way his chest seemed to tighten up and the sudden loss of breath.
"I was—I don't know—I didn't know what else to do. I was so consumed by running from my fears instead of turning to the people who could help me."
Scott rubs his temple and sighs, "I believe you owe Dakota more of an apology. I may have understood but Dakota—she didn't understand how to cope with someone like you pushing her away."
He was afraid of facing her, to know what she went through. What if he hurt her in ways he didn't mean to?
"What did she do?" God, he was afraid of the answer to this.
"She fell back into the depression that you helped her out of a few years ago. Kate has informed me that Dakota had once attempted after you pushed her away. Dakota is unstable," Scott explains the best he can.
"Is unstable the word?"
"What would you say?"
"She's lost like I was."
Scott moves a chess piece and nods, "So you're saying you aren't lost anymore and that's why you're here?"
"For a moment but then it passed," Kai pauses, "I came to a realization between that time and saw how wrong everything was. I understood how wrong my actions were."
"I can forgive you, Kai. I always will. I hope Dakota can do the same and if she doesn't—I hope she learns to forgive you," Scott gives Kai an approving nod.
"Thank you, gramps."
~
Nelly booked a flight for Kai as she had said and he arrived late into the night. Dakota would hate him for waking her up at this hour but he needed to see her. He didn't understand why she wasn't staying with Kate—unless Kate was staying there. As he stood at the door waiting for it to be answered, his mind wandered to thoughts that he shouldn't have been thinking of. The door opens and he's greeted by Kate who looks like she'd just been wakened. This definitely wasn't how he planned it to go.
"What are you doing here, Kai?" She crosses her arms.
She was upset with him for what he had done to Dakota, great.
He sighs, "I need to talk to her, please."
"I won't allow you to," She shakes her head.
"Kate, please. I really need to see her. I understand the way she's feeling," He's stuttering a bit as he feels his anxiety kicking in.
Kate looks at him with sorrow for a few seconds then shakes her head again, "She's the most beloved person to me. I can't lose her because she couldn't handle losing the person who meant everything to her."
"I can't lose her either. I was such a fool to push away the person who cared about me the most. If I lose her then I lose myself."
Kate returns her arms to her side and steps aside which allowed Dakota to step in. Kate whispers something to her before walking off. Kai had never seen Dakota in such a way but at the same time, seeing her was enough to bring him to tears. This was the girl who hid under fake happiness, the girl who felt genuine pain, the girl who was lost.
"Did I hear a more passionate side speaking that I haven't met yet? Or was that my friend speaking?" Dakota asks and walks out onto the porch.
He was put on the spot to confess his actual feelings about their relationship. Friends or more involved—the answer was easy, it was only hard to say. He ignores her question for now and apologizes instead, "There are more important matters to talk about."
"But didn't you just pour your heart out?" She looks away from him.
"It wasn't all I needed to say," He mumbles, at the struggle for words now.
"You're planning to apologize because you hate what you did to me and you should. You're going to say you'll never be able to forgive yourself because your actions hurt me. You pushed me away because you were afraid that I'd get hurt, but I did anyway. You pushed me away like I was nothing, Kai," She lets out her frustration on him, "You can't come here and expect things to go back to how they were!"
"I don't know what else to tell you," He replies shamefully.
"Tell me why you could push me away like I was nothing. Tell me why you couldn't just ask for help. Tell me why you could do such things and not feel pain for the ones who love you," She hits his chest after each sentence, "Everything is not going to be okay!"
Is this what it's like to feel your heart break?
His chest hurt not from her actions but her words. He couldn't say anything to her because there wasn't anything worthy to say.
"Say something," She hits him again. He sees tears falling yet she still made an effort to remain strong.
"Everything is going to be okay."
"That means nothing now," She mumbles and steps back to the door.
"Everything is going to be okay because I made you a promise that I swore to keep and I won't break it. I love you, Dakota Breit. That's how I feel for you. I can't afford to lose you because you've become everything to me since the day we met," He says and takes a few steps forward, "And I'm so sorry that I wouldn't let you in at all this time. I felt so vulnerable to you and I was afraid, Dakota. I was so afraid because I've never felt this way before."
"You don't get to say words like that."
"What do you want me to say?"
She rests her head back on the door and shakes her head, "I don't know."
"Forgive me," He breathes out quietly.
"And if I can't?" She says under her breath.
"Learn to forgive me as I'll do for myself."
"I don't know—I need time to think. I'm just glad you're feeling better than before," She ends their conversation and closes the door on him before he can respond.
It's said people could die of a broken heart, and he felt in such a way. Love should be considered the most dangerous threat of all.