Later the same evening, the two had settled down in the living room with the television on, though neither of them were paying any attention to it; it was merely background noise. Their attention was instead focused on the open sketchbook in Levi's lap as he mindlessly doodled, not consciously aware of the image coming together beneath his pencil. Eren sat next to him, his hands wrapped around a mug of tea and his legs crossed on the couch, watching attentively. It was strange to him how focused the raven was on this and how much his body lacked its usual shaky manner. He knew it was only because of the drug coursing through his veins, as was that the reason he'd been able to eat and still hadn't thrown it up.
Levi's hand descended to the bottom of the page where, in intricate letters, he wrote a quote. One that left Eren in stunned silence.
Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile, you're my crack of sunlight.
That again...
Almost as if in slow motion, Levi's slender, capable artist fingers released the utensil. It rolled down the page and rested on his stomach at the same time his head fell against the back of the couch.
Eren had nothing to say. He couldn't tear his gaze away from the drawing.
It was dark; the pencil was charcoal. It portrayed the corner of a room with no doors or windows. In that corner was a person, appearing small and fragile, curled up into a fetal position with his arms wrapped around his knees. The majority of the face was covered by a hood, but what was visible was unsettling. The mouth was spread into an ear-to-ear smile, the cheeks ripped through. The teeth were sharp and menacing, and between them was half a lit cigarette, a curl of smoke drifting upward. Above the person was a crack in the ceiling. Levi had left part of the paper white to symbolize the light flooding in though that one crack down on the person in the corner.
Part of Eren felt he knew what the symbolism in this drawing was, what each thing meant and what it had to do with the quote, why Levi had said it was stuck in his head and why it seemed to have so much significance to him. At the same time, none of it made any sense to him. All he knew for sure was the person in the corner was supposed to be the artist himself.
Before Eren mustered up the courage to ask any questions about it, Levi had sat back up and was closing the sketchbook to toss it onto the coffee table. He then pulled his knees up and ran a hand through his hair.
"You alright?" Eren murmured.
"Get ready for round two," was all Levi said with hands beginning to shake, raking up and down his clothed leg. That meant only one thing – he was coming down from the high.
"C-can I ask you something, Levi?" Eren stammered.
The raven's eyes narrowed to slits and he scrutinized the teen out of the corners of them.
"What?"
Uncomfortable, Eren divided his attention to tracing the rim of the mug. "I just wanna know what it's like. I mean, to be someone like you...like, to be..." He had a hard time getting the words out.
"An addict?" suggested Levi.
Despite his flinch, Eren nodded. He felt very small there under the close stare of gray orbs.
"Why do you want to know?"
Eren swallowed hard. "Because I wanna have an idea about what you're going through. I mean, for you personally. I read up on it, but I'm sure your experience is different..."
"What do you want to know?"
"I don't know. Everything, I guess. What it feels like. And what the consequences are...other than the obvious ones."
Levi's hands moved to his thighs and he drew in a deep breath through his nose "I'm not that different from people who chose the same path I did," he said quietly. "Either they were influenced by the people around them or they had shitty things happen to them and saw no other way to cope. Or in my case, both. Either way, we're all miscreants by choice."
"Even so, I want to understand."
Slowly, Levi turned his whole body to face Eren, crossing his legs in the same fashion. He folded his arms over his stomach. "Then I want you to answer a question for me, as well."
"What is it?"
"I'll tell you when I'm finished." With that, he reached over and picked his own cup of tea from the coffee table, lifting it to take a small sip. Once he lowered it back into his lap, he gently drummed his nails against the side of it, seemingly even sure where to begin."
Eren's curiosity trumped his hesitance, causing him to ask, "What was it like when you did it the first time?"
"Opium or heroin?"
"H-heroin," he stammered, followed by a swig of tea to rid his tongue of the fowl taste the word left in its wake.
Levi stared into his tea as he answered. "At first it's terrible. Scary. It's so foreign to your entire being as a whole that you feel like you've unintentionally committed suicide. But then comes the rush and an overwhelming sense of calm and safety. Really, you could be in the absolute most dangerous situation and feel completely at ease. While you're under, it's the best thing in the world and you can't help but wonder why in the hell you didn't try it before. You feel like you could perhaps fly, but you've still got enough good sense to keep yourself from jumping off a building. It's a euphoria."
Eren's eyes were wide as he took in the words. A question bubbled up. "A-and that's what you've been feeling this whole time?"
"...No. For me, it's not so much a euphoria anymore, just straight up addiction. I do it because it's what allows me to feel moderately normal and, as I've told you before, it erases the pain. Keeps the waking nightmares away. Hardly even experience the rush anymore. At least...not nearly as strong as it used to be. Nonetheless, I can't stop. It's dragged me under too deep. I can't even see light anymore." His voice cracked and in an attempt to cover it up, he took a large swallow of his tea. "Or so I thought before..."
"Before what?"
"Before that day in November when you walked into the shop and twisted up everything I was used to."
The rush of blood to Eren's cheeks was instantaneous. He quickly took another sip of his own tea, attempting to hide it, but that could only shield him for so long. Levi's gaze transferred up to that face and upon seeing the beautiful shade of pink in those incredibly soft cheeks, his stomach fluttered.
He didn't have much time to take it in, however, because at that point the rawness of his lungs and trachea settled in as the monster was leaving. He only had a second to draw in a breath before the agonizing coughing took over.
Eren reacted immediately, gently prying the mug from his hands and placing it back on the coffee table alongside his own. By then, Levi was doubled over, the retching loud and painful to merely listen to. His head was almost in the teen's lap and with each new cough came a tremor throughout his whole body. Between each round of retching, his breath came in a struggle. His hands had turned to pallid fists on his stomach, fingers curled around the black fabric of his hoodie.
Eren gently rubbed his back, biting his lip. Unsure of what else to do, he felt helpless. He wanted to be able to reach inside of Levi and take all of his pain away, to rid him of this agony and make it all okay for him. But unfortunately, he wasn't a superhero and all he could do was sit there, rubbing the bony back of the tattoo artist, and wait for the fit to subside.
Slowly, his coughing came to an end. He didn't move, but remained bent over and panting.
"Levi?" Eren murmured in a small, worried tenor.
Levi pushed himself halfway upright. The red was fading from his face though his eyes were squeezed shut.
"Sorry," he breathed.
Eren ignored that. "Water?"
"...okay..."
The teen jumped up to retrieve a bottle of water from the fridge. He twisted the cap open in one easy move as he sat back down. Levi took it with his shaking hands and managed to get it to his lips and drink thirstily. Half of the contents were gone by the time he pulled it away from his mouth.
"You okay now?" murmured Eren.
"I think so..."
"Maybe you should lay down."
The shake of Levi's head was slight. "I haven't finished telling you. And you still have to answer my question." His voice had become incredibly rough again, which shouldn't have been any surprise.
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"There's so much more that being an addict ruins for you that just your health, Eren."
The teen nodded. He had an idea what that meant from memories of his father, but he wanted to hear what that meant for Levi.
Taking his nod as a sign of encouragement, Levi continued, struggling past the burning of his lungs.
"It takes over everything. You want nothing but the monster. You care about nothing but the monster. All you can think about is your next fix. It takes over all other emotions and desires. Money is never a thing because before you've even made it, it's already spent on the monster. But that isn't even the most valuable thing it robs you of. It takes away your humanity. It's...like a contract. Anything human that remains is the instinct to survive - eat, drink, sleep, shit, shoot up, repeat. Relationships die. You think you're making new ones with the people who have this beast in common with you...but they're not real. They're not humane. They're figments of euphoria, and if you're not high, you're incredibly alone."
He took another swig of water. Much like the other day when he was recapping his story for Eren, his eyes faded out of focus like he was remembering something pretty vivid, and it was more than likely he was; the pain in his eyes was evident.
"I knew this was happening," he went on, "but I couldn't stop. I depend on that escape from my hellish reality. It's another kind of hell on its own, but I didn't know that when I signed the contract." Gradually, his eyes focused back in and moved to meet the bright teal ones just a few feet away. "I never dreamed anyone would show up wanting to save me, let alone see me as a human after he found out the truth."
Eren was rendered speechless. In his perspective, those words almost suggested Levi was admitting he appreciated Eren's presence and determination, that he felt grateful and lucky. To himself, however, he was nothing special. He was merely doing what he thought was right, what he thought was best for a person he cared so deeply about. But that was why he asked this question in the first place; he knew things were different in Levi's eyes and he wanted nothing more than to understand how he saw the situation and why. His explanation had helped Eren greatly, and the brunet was thankful for his mother always teaching him to keep an open mind.
Eren couldn't help the grin that spread out on his face. It was a soft smirk, not amused. Loving, almost, though he would be incredibly embarrassed if Levi could see that.
"You're one of the most human people I've ever met, Levi," he remarked.
"Tch..." Levi dropped his gaze. "And that brings me to my question."
"I-I'm listening..."
Admittedly, the raven was nervous, causing him to stall by taking another drink from the water bottle. That was when, abruptly, the nausea hit and the walls started spinning out of place.
"Shit," he muttered, covering his eyes with his hand, willing the dizziness away. It only served to get stronger, though, and then he felt that familiar disturbance churn in his stomach.
Eren watched, a bit bewildered, as the artist's hand released the water bottle - capped, thankfully - and clutched at his abdomen.
"Do me a favor and help me to the bathroom," Levi said, uncovering his eyes.
Quickly, Eren stood and offered his hand, which the raven used to pull himself to his feet. Almost instantaneously, his body heaved and his free hand slapped to his mouth. With his arm around Levi's waist, Eren managed to get him down the hall and into the bathroom just quick enough for him to puke his guts up into the toilet. He clutched at Eren's hand the whole time. Absolutely everything he'd eaten earlier in the day made a reappearance, and then he was dry heaving, making awful gagging sounds between forced gasps of breath.
Finally, the gagging subsided and his weak body slumped to the side, caught only by the side of the bathtub. Eren managed to catch his head before it smacked into it, gently lying him against the hard plastic. The raven was panting, eyes half-lidded, arms shaking.
Without giving it so much as a glance, Eren shut the lid of the toilet and flushed it with his free hand. Levi still hadn't let go of the other.
"Fuck..." Levi muttered between his pants.
"I'm gonna go get your water..." Eren mumbled, standing up and gently prying his hand from Levi's fingers. When he returned, Levi was sitting up on his own, though the shaking had once again taken over his whole body. Eren handed him the water, which he merely took miniscule sips of.
"It happened so fast..." breathed Eren. "I thought withdrawals weren't supposed to start until several hours after the high went away."
Levi snorted. "Yeah, those were the days..."
"Huh?"
"They start almost immediately for me now. That's just how dependent my body is on the drug."
"Oh..." was the only response Eren could think of for that.
~
"You should get some rest," the teen was suggesting a while later after they'd moved into Levi's bedroom. The artist was curled up on his side under a blanket Eren retrieved from the living room, trembling incessantly. The brunet sat next to him, facing him with his legs crossed much the way he had been on the couch.
"No. Don't think you can get out of answering my question."
Eren blinked in mild surprise. After all the commotion, he'd almost forgotten about it. His heart sped up in anticipation.
"Oh. Right. That."
Levi pushed himself into a sitting position. Eren couldn't help but notice how it took much more effort than should be necessary for him. He kept the blanket wrapped around himself and had his knees pulled up, legs crossed at the ankles.
"It's something I've been wondering since you...told me what you did at the shop the other night."
"Okay. Ask."
Stormy gray eyes bored straight into vivid blue-green ones as he uttered the question. "What reason do you have to care about me?"
Immediately, Eren's brow furrowed into a frown. "I've told you-"
"No," interrupted the raven. "I don't mean this in the way I have loathing for myself. I'm not looking for you to tell me I shouldn't, or why. I'm asking this solely from you. What do you see in me? I want to understand your perspective as well."
Eren was silent for a minute as he pondered his response. His fingers began to fidget in his lap and his eyes moved downcast.
"That's...not very easy to put into words," he claimed.
"Maybe I worded it wrong. Maybe I should be asking what it is you see in me that's worth sacrificing everything over...what's worth saving me for."
Eren smirked a bit. Even in his state of withdrawal, just that subtle smile had Levi's stomach fluttering. It was so human and he still wasn't used to that.
When the teen answered, his words were steady and certain. Levi found he couldn't take his eyes off of him as he spoke.
"That's much easier," he began. "You deserve a second chance...a chance to experience happiness. You never deserved any of the shit you've had to endure."
"Maybe I do deserve it," suggested Levi. "I've stolen things, gotten into countless fights, done dozens of illegal drugs. I'm not a good person."
Eren shook his head. "Even so, no one should have to go through their entire life miserable and unloved. We all do bad things. Some more than others, but the degree doesn't really matter when it comes right down to it, don't you think? You...when I said you're one of the most human people I've ever met, I meant it. I can tell there's something caged inside of you that's dying to be let out and I think it's the part of you that never wanted to take this path. That part of you knows you have potential, and I can see it, too...even if consciously, you can't."
Levi clicked his tongue sarcastically. "And what potential might that be?"
"Your art," answered Eren immediately. "I know I don't only speak for myself when I say I've never seen anything like it. There's so much you can do with talent like that."
Levi lowered his head slightly to cover the majority of it with his knees. He peered at Eren from beneath the blanket. The teen seemed genuine in his words in a way Levi partially understood. He knew he was talented, he was just never able to grasp what that might do for other people, didn't see the point of having it if it held no significant meaning.
"That all?" he asked after a long pause.
"Well, no." Eren shut his eyes. "But the last reason is entirely too selfish on my part."
"I gave you the whole truth. Be fair."
Eren inhaled deeply. "Okay." He visibly gulped and reopened his eyes. "Things changed for me, too, when I got the job at the shop...and it wasn't just 'cause I was finally able to start helping my mom out. To this day I'm not exactly sure what it was...or, is...but I do know it had to do with you. My mom noticed. Armin noticed. Even my other friends noticed. And they noticed the change after Christmas, too." At this point, Eren had his face hidden, though whether it was out of embarrassment or something else, Levi didn't know. "I felt more alive than I had my whole life, I think, and then almost like a walking corpse after what happened. Being here has had the same effect as before...except maybe even stronger." Slightly, he lifted his head to make eye contact once again. "I'm finally looking at legitimate happiness, and god, Levi, I don't want that to go away. We've both been in the dark for so long and that's how I know you understand what I mean. I just...I want you to stay, okay? I've already lost my dad. I couldn't bear losing you, too...in fact it would be worse. I know it's selfish, and I know you probably don't believe it...but I need you, too, in this unexplainable way...and I'm sorry if it's weird or childish, but-"
The brunet's words cut off when something cold made contact with his fingers. He looked down to find Levi's hand extended out from his blanket, his fingertips gently resting on top of Eren's. He bit his lip, suddenly very afraid he'd gone too far, said too much or chosen his words poorly and that Levi would tell him to get out.
"It's not weird," the raven said. "Or childish."
Eren blinked several times, still nervous. "S-sorry," he mumbled. "Did that answer your question?"
Levi nodded once. "Thank you, and no apologies."
"Right..." Eren scratched the back of his head, feeling slightly awkward after his mini outburst.
"Time for a smoke," announced the raven. He swiveled around and pushed himself to his feet, shedding the blanket and retrieving his dwindling pack of cigarettes from the dresser along with the lighter. Without so much as another word or a backwards glance, he disappeared down the hall.
Eren remained there in the comfort of his own silence for a while, taking in everything that had just happened, starting with Levi's relapse.
He'd been scared as hell when Levi had disappeared down the hallway and into the bathroom, locking the door and telling him to go away. Somehow, Eren had just known what he'd been up to in there; the way he'd rushed down the hallway wasn't his usual fashion and his gut had twisted at the desperate flash on his pallid face. He truly hadn't been prepared, especially not for the aftereffects of the man injecting himself with such substance. His pupils had been miniscule and his shaking ceased completely, neither being things Eren was used to.
And then Levi ate. He really ate. He didn't just nibble on a piece of toast, take a few sips of tea, and then end up throwing it up twenty minutes later. He'd eaten nearly everything on his plate and managed to keep it down for several hours.
And suddenly Eren knew what he meant when he said it made him feel normal. Feeling normal, he could do those normal things without worrying about anything. He could eat and draw and likely sleep. That was precisely what Eren hated about it. It made him feel normal, yet it was destroying him from the inside out, changing the way his body - particularly his brain - worked. He was afraid that someday, if they let this go on for a certain length of time longer, he might not be Levi anymore; he might become a shell of the person he's supposed to be. That possibility terrified Eren greatly.
But it also resolved him. He refused to let Levi ever get that bad. He was prepared to do anything in his power from letting Levi end up like his father - who hadn't truly been himself at the end, either. Levi was much too important to him, much too important to the world around him. Of this Eren was certain - he could do miraculous things with his talent with a pencil. Several of his drawings had already moved Eren himself; he refused to let that go to waste.
No, Eren wouldn't let Levi hurt himself anymore; he would show him the light even if he really didn't know where it was or how to find it himself. He had to find a way, and he was certain that for this, for him, for either of them, giving up wasn't an option. Even if it meant dropping out of school. Even if it meant quitting his job. He would do this.
He loved Levi so much already. Believed in him. And that was all it took.
*~Attempted Recovery Journal Entry #2~*
How fucked up would it be for me to say the last four days have been the most meaningful of this dreary existence of mine? All because of one obstinate force worming its adorable, ridiculous, precious way under my skin.
Yes, precious is the word. He's an idiot, much too stubborn for his own damn good, so naïve and insecure, and he is the single most precious thing in my life.
Hell...what could I possibly have done to deserve someone like him? We're opposites - he's pure and serene, beautiful and innocent whereas I...I am tainted and consumed by my sins. We're nothing alike.
But he says he needs me. In those words I felt something beyond my comprehension; something meaningful and real. I don't understand it and again, it terrifies me. But he needs me.
Hmpf, how could someone need someone like me? Ridiculous. Pathetic. Absurd.
...
But that's normal routine, right? To be told that I matter on the rare occasion only for my thought process to twist it and tell me it's just that - pathetic and absurd. To automatically refrain from believing it because if there's anything I know better than the back of my hand, it's the extent of my damnation and how anyone who gets remotely close to me ends up hurt, be it physically or psychologically or both.
Of course I can't believe him. Not 100%. Not even close. But, like my monster, he hasn't lied to me yet. He has my trust, and, I suppose...what little is left of my love. And if he says he needs me, if that's truly what he believes and what brings him close to happiness, then what choice have I other than to humor him? If I have any kind of power to perhaps make up all of the pain I've inflicted upon his poor soul, how can I not jump at the opportunity? It's the absolute least he deserves.
Again, I must try. For what little I can do to make this at least slightly worthwhile for him.
If he needs me, I'll stay for as long as I possibly can. After all, what else can my tattered soul do for the one it has elected to fall for?