Chapter Eighteen: Stormy
Lizzy helps me pack a few things into Sarah's duffle bag, like jean pants and a sweater. She sits and stares at me from the kitchen island as I dig for Sarah's favorite book and a few movies for her.
"You love her?" Lizzy asks and I'm taken back by the question but I nod.
"Take her away for a while," she continues to speak softly "if it was me, I wouldn't stop. I wouldn't be able to sit on the side lines and watch my team play in the championship."
I nod understanding exactly where she is coming from, Sarah was going to lose it. Not being able to do anything to help her team, not being able to play in the one game she was working towards. This will kill her worse than the cancer.
"She's not going to like this," I mumble and Lizzy shakes her head taking a deep breath.
They hadn't been friends for a long time, but there was a deep connection between the two of them. Both knowing what it was like to fight so hard and so long for something. They had become very close and now I can see the hurt in Lizzy's eyes.
Hurt that she wasn't told about the sickness, hurt that her best friend is lying in a hospital. Hurting like the rest of us.
"She'll thank you for it eventually."
"Let's hope so."
I kiss Lizzy's cheek and leave her sitting there in the kitchen alone. I drive to the hospital shaking through every bone, terrified that she would refuse my help. Brad had told me everything I needed to know to help, but it was out of my hands now. It was up to Sarah.
When I get there Bradley is gone, and Sarah is still sleeping her face beautiful and pale. I splash cold water on my face and sit down in the chair across from her. She is sleeping so peacefully and her body needs the sleep so I leave her.
Eventually she lets a sharp moan go and rolls over, she tries to sit up but her body is sore and she just falls back to the bed. I stand to help her but she holds out her hand for me to stop. I watch her do it herself causing pain throughout her body as she does so.
"I'm going to drive you home," I say knowing full well I'm the last person she wants to see or to drive her home.
She stretches her legs out over the bed and goes to stand but her knees buckle. I jump to help her but she pushes my hand away and carefully slides her feet to the floor again standing better this time. I hand her the duffle bag and she changes into the sweat pants I brought her.
She strips from the gown without thought that I am still standing in front of her. She pulls the pants on over her frail, skinny legs and tries to hide the bruises. All of them from simple football practice or bumping into the bed on accident. Her torso is in the same shape, extruding ribs from lack of eating and sleeping. She cringes as she pulls the clean sweater down and over herself.
She follows me quietly down the hallway of the hospital after she checks out, but not before she refuses my help to walk. I carry her bags and she doesn't say a word to me as we make our way to the car. I help her up into the car and close the door behind her, all the while she refuses to talk to me.
We drive for only a few short minutes before she realizes I'm not taking her home, "This isn't the way to the dorms."
Her voice cracks because its so dry, I hand her a bottle of water and she takes it without argument. I sigh and look out the window pretending that I didn't hear what she had just said to me. It's not until she slams the water bottle back into the cup holder that I look over at her.
"I'm taking you to my mum's for a couple days."
She shoots me a look that I know very well. It's dark and angry, she really does not want to be here with me. And she certainly does not want to spend a week, secluded with me away from football.
"Take me home Niall," she says quietly but theres plenty of frustration in her tone.
"No," I say trying not to look at her, if I do i'll give into her green eyes and pink lips. "the championship game isn't for another week and a half. I know I won't talk you out of playing that game, but I can make you rest until then."
She doesn't say a word back to me, she just shifts and looks back out the window. I try again to start conversations but nothing seems to work, no words form in my mouth so instead we sit in utter silence. It is beyond frustrating.
"This is from Liz," I say handing her an envelope from my jacket pocket.
She flips it around in her hand for a while before opening it. I know its the invitation to the Champions Dinner. It was something they did for the final teams in the tournament every year, fancy dresses, drinks, dinner and awards for the girls.
She huffs and tosses the letter to the side.
"You should go to that," I say out loud knowing full well she either won't answer me or this will start yet another argument.
She looks at me this time, "And what? Look ridiculous?" she questions letting out a small angry laugh from her lips. "Ya, let's dress the frail, ugly cancer patient up in a nice outfit and make her feel pretty one last time."
I look at her almost at loss for words to help her understand that it wasn't what I mean by that. "No Sarah, I want you to go because every girl on that team deserves to be there. Including you."
"Thanks coach," she says scoffing at my weak pep talk before turning back to the window.
This was going to be the longest week ever, she wanted nothing to do with me. Once we arrive at the house she climbs from the car by herself taking in everything around her for the second time. The light hits her face in such a way that I can imagine her smile again.
Standing there she almost looked peaceful, not sick nor broken just lovely again. Over the course of the passing months she has crumbled into basically nothing, but here right now she looks well again. Her hair lightly blowing under the breeze, she tucks it behind her ear to keep it out of her face. She is amazing, even now in such a brittle state.
I had called Rosa and told her the plan and she fully agreed to let me bring Sarah up to stay with us. Almost excited to have another lady in the house she started to prepare a room for her.
"Come on," I say helping her along and inside past Rosa who smiles at her and takes her arm. She sits her down on the couch and I go to take her duffle bag to her room.
"Niall," Rosa calls from the bottom of the stairs just as I reach the top, "I cleaned Greg's room for her."
I nod at her and she gives me a tiny smile. It's a smile of strength for me, I don't want to walk into his room and have it changed but it was time for it to happen. I take a deep breath in and open the knob, everything is the same. I laugh at myself, I was terrified that she would have painted it bright pink.
The dark grey walls are the same and everything is still piled on his dresser, she has taking down the posters and rolled them up in the closet. She also dusted, cleaned and changed the sheets on his bed.
I set the duffle bag down and close the door behind me walking back down the stairs. Rosa has given Sarah a cup of lemon tea and some cookies and she thanks her politely. I sit down next to her and stare at her blank face, her eyes empty and cold. I just want to know what she is thinking about.
"Sarah," I start.
"I'm tired," she cuts me off. I nod my head and help her climb the stairs letting her crawl into bed and turn away from me again.
I do the same and find myself sitting in my own bed, but instead I pick up a book and start to read. There's nothing that could make me sleep knowing that she's sitting in the next room. I would much rather be curled up in bed next to her.
Just as I am thinking about her warm touch there is a knock on the door, Rosa would normally just come in. I stand up and open the door to Sarah's small shaking body. "Come on," I say to her and she crawls into my bed.
I sit next to her quietly and just let her try to fall asleep but she stares blankly into the window and I finally ask her what she's even thinking about.
"I couldn't sleep because everytime I close my eyes all I think about—" she stops choking on her own words "All I ever can think about is you."
I want to tell her I feel the same but she continues "I think about your eyes and the way your hair falls in the morning. How you smile at me like I'm the sunshine on a cloudly day." She takes a deep breath in "Your body, your mind, your soul, I love all of it. The way you laugh when something really funny."
"God Niall I love you, all the things you do and say everything last fucking thing about you." My heart is thumping in my chest and I can't even figure out where the conversation is going but I let her continue.
She turns and looks at me sadly. "But," she says and my heart sinks in my chest. "You have to stop, you cannot continue to live your life watching over me. I won't let you turn into another Brad, I won't ruin your life the way I have his.
"I love you," I say simply back to her not playing into whatever argument she wants to start with me.
"I know," she says under her breath. "I heard you the first time."
She plays with her fingers in her lap, quiet and reserved from me even after her deep conversation. I didn't want to push her too hard, even with her trying to shove me out the door. She doesn't want my help, she wants the completely opposite but I had tried running away once. It didn't work, I came back like metal attracted to a magnetic field.
She was peaceful though, not uncomfortable anymore or bothered by my presence. It was nice to see her relax for a minute, relax her body and her mind. I decide that the dinner will be a good place for her to see all her friends. I ask Rosa to call the small dress shop in town to make her an appointment to see them for a dress.
She falls asleep there, her head resting into my shoulder. She sleeps so soundly that I don't want to move her, so we just lay there together. Eventually I fall asleep too under the sound of her breathing and the motion of her chest expanding. I missed having her here.
If Brad is right then all she needs now is hope, a reminder of what she's fighting for. Some sort of reason left to fight. The championship was too close coming for her to be able to play in it, even if I told her different. She had nothing left to fight for, she has even given up the idea of making Jeanie happy. Given up trying to live for Brad and her friends, she has given into the idea of death.
How do you bring someone back from that? The edge of death?
I have no answers for the questions I'm asking myself, for now I would do better to just forget about them. I don't care about anything else other than making her happy. I didn't care about the ticking clock that hangs over her life. I just want to spend every damn second making her smile and laugh. I can't make the cancer go away but I can make her worries fade.
I cannot erase her bruises or bumps, I cannot make her strong again physically. But I can give her the best memories and days anyone dying could ever ask for. I kiss her forehead gently and fall back asleep until the sun warms us from the window.
**Hey guys! Just a quick reminder that Crave You has been nominated in the 1D Watty Awards (soooo insane) Voting has begun for the second round, what I need you to do is go on over to @kingsinbands profile and click on the book! Crave
Crave you is nominated in the Niall Horan category, you can vote using #a. Thank you to everyone that has and is continuing to read on about Sarah and Niall's lives! It means so much to me that you all have shown such great intrest in it! Please please go vote for Crave You in the awards! Love you my little monkeys**