She shifted her glance for a moment, from her father then back to her mother. She is use to the fighting, but somethings seems different this time. Worse than usual. Even I know it. Usually, the fighting has died down by now and Gracie's mother has stormed off into the kitchen leaving her husband slouched down into the recliner chugging a warm beer he found on the coffee table. By now, Gracie and I have usually wandered up to her room, locked the door, and settled into her bed but not tonight. Her fathers on a ball tonight and he has no intentions of calming down just because Gracie's mother has been pleading him to the past hour when he stormed into the house roaring drunk.
He first came in as calm as he could be until he realized that he couldn't find his remote and blamed it on Gracie. His calm demeanor suddenly changed and his face contorted in an all consuming anger; his nostrils flaring, his eyes flashing from one person to the other, his mouth quivering, spitting, slurring words that were simply unintelligent, vulgar words that came spewing like a vicious volcano erupting, releasing his bottled up emotions and his drunkenness into the room. He threw the blame from person to person until he came to a final conclusion that the three of us where all to blame.
He darted around the room in a drunken fit throwing down lamps and pictures, vases and papers in a mad desire to find the remote. Now, I watch as Gracie's mother tries to to calm him down. She wraps her arms around his arm and begs him to stop. He rips his arm away and shoves her to the ground and she doesn't move.
Gracie's mother isn't the bravest woman in the world. She's a frail woman too, weak from stress, too busy working to take care of herself. However, she doesn't complain. Not in the least bit. Her stringy untamed blond hair falls in her face as she continues to fight with Gracie's father again. She scrambles back to her feet and points an angry, frail finger at him as if he'll suddenly become afraid of her and submit to her. He shoves her again with a harsh, relentless passion. Though, she doesn't back down. He turns away and focuses his anger and sharp words at Gracie now.
He calls her every name in the book then finds his self even more angry that she deosnt speak back. She only stares at the ground as tears fall down her cheeks. He walks to her side the lifts her chin up and shouts in her face until her mother comes to her aid, pulling her father away.
Her fathers anger could shake anybody to the core and he isn't exactly little. He is probably one if the biggest men on this block. If I had to guess, I would say he is about 6'1 and around 230 pounds; big enough to easily man handle anyone who stands in his way. His huge broad shoulders move up and down as he breathes heavily with anger. His face is wrinkled with heavy bags under his eyes from exhaustion and, none the less, doesn't make for a warming sight.
I suppose I should be scared out of my mind but this isn't the first time Ive been with Gracie during one of her family's fights. More like the thousandth time now. I know Gracie is embarrassed by it all. I feel bad for her, mostly I feel bad that I cant help her. She wouldn't let me even if i could. She has always been stubborn and prideful. She refuses to let anyone know just how broken she really is. She tries to mend her own heart but sometimes I wonder if shes hurting herself more than anything.
The cuts on her wrist tell me my wondering is probably right. I suddenly feel saddened just at the thought. To imagine my very best friend in the whole world sitting alone in her room, slowly, painstakingly dragging a blade across her already wounded wrist... I shake my head as if it will help to get the thought out of my head. I know Gracie isn't as strong as she looks and acts. I know that better than anybody. She practically lives in World War III at home and lately I know it has been even more than she can bare. Still, she does the best she can.
Gracie isn't the type to let you know when she is hurting. She'd rather bottle it up and keep the pain to her self. In my opinion, its rather selfish. Its just stingy that she would keep it all to herself and not allow me to take a little from her; not allow me to help her one bit. She's too stubborn, that's her problem. She's always willing to help anyone but herself and that's what scares me the most.
Yes, it scares me that she's so generous. It scares me that she cares so much for everyone but herself. She even cares for her good for nothing, scum bag father. He leaves her bruise after bruise and scar after scar yet she always begs me not to tell a soul. She always throws in all of the right reasons to hold me back from reporting her sorry excuse for a father to the police.
"They'll separate us Ans." She always says, "They'll take me away. I'll never see you. Daddy doesn't mean it. He used to not be this way."
She always looks up at my with her sad eyes and weary face then hugs me tight.
"As long as I have you, everything will be okay."
I've heard that one too many times. She honestly believes that I can help her, that I do help her when in reality all I can do is sit back and watch. She won't allow me to help her. She won't allow me to intervene and call social services, she won't allow us to become separated or her beloved maniac father to go to jail.
The thought of how much she continues to love him sickens me. He doesnt deserve love. He doesnt deserve Gracie or even Gracie's mother. The scumbag doesnt even deserve to live. I wish for once, some one would hit him. I wish for once, some one would throw him to the ground. I wish he could get a taste of his own medicine. I wish he could hear his venomous words being used against his self.
I glance around only to realize that I have been tuning everybody out with my thoughts, including Gracie who is whisking tears away from her eyes. Her father, John, use to not be so hateful and angry. I suppose years and years of relentless hardships can do that to a person. Now hes jobless, a drunk, and apparently only knows how to take his frustrations and failures out on Gracie and Gracie's mom, Kim. He used to work with my father at the assembly line but sadly, it's been shut down and abandoned since 2001. I guess in today's economy, there's no need for Americans to work in assembly lines when other countries will build things cheaper. Maybe that isn't necessarily true, but that's what my father says.
John would agree with my father. My father and John used to be close. They used to be best friends. My mother and Kim were also close. Things have changed though. Life has changed and there is no going back. We don't sit around the dinner table anymore and laugh about yesterdays football game. We don't go camping together anymore and tell stories around the campfire. No, the closest thing mine and Gracie's family has done here lately, was when my father and her father got together for a drink and left Gracie and I in the car behind the bar for two hours while Kim was lying unconscious in the Gracie's living room floor. Doesn't that sound like a lovely day?
Now, Gracie and I float back and forth from each others house. One day I escape from my dad, one day she escapes for her father but neither of us really ever truly escape. There is no where else for either of us to go except my house or her house. My relatives live in Kentucky, and hers are almost all gone now. We've both dropped out of school, so there is no escaping for atleast 7 hours of the day anymore. The two of us wouldnt have made it all the way through high school anyways.
We were both absent too many days already. Not to mention, teachers started to wonder about the bruises we would show up with. Students also began to start asking questions. It all got just a bit too much to handle. I was scared to leave my father at home. I always feared he'd kill his self. At the time I dropped out, he was depressed and always threatening the idea. Gracie wouldn't go to school with out me, so she quit too. I cant help but feel a little responsible for her quiting high school now.
I look back up at John who is still screaming at the top of his lungs. All I can help but wonder is if he is taking breaths in between each vulgar word. The vains in the side of his neck are now popping out and its a crying shame that one of them hasnt burst yet. I almost think that if one did, he'd blame it on Gracie and Kim. Of course, everything is Gracie and Kim's fault around here.
Gracie hopelessly looks at me as if to apologize and I cant help but grab her hand and give it a quick squeeze to let her know that I'm here. I never really know what to do in these situations. Though, it seems that Gracie doesn't mind a bit. She shakes her head and weakly smiles as if she understands what I am trying to say but I cant help but wish I really knew what it is that I want to say to her.
For a moment, everything seems quite until John breaks the silence, "Gracie! Gracie look at me right now! You ungrateful waste of air! Get out of here. Get out of my sight!"
"John!" Kim jumps in front of Gracie, "You stop! Stop this! This is your daughter, John!"
"I know what she is! Get her out of my sight! I said GO!"
I look over at Gracie and squeeze her hand again as Kim and John continue to fight, "Come on Grace, its going to be okay." I reassure her, "lets just go."
I try to get Gracie to stand up but shes frozen with tears streaming down her face. I tug at her hand but she refuses to move. John sees me standing and begins to yell at me as Kim tries to grab him and calm him down. I turn around and helplessly watch as he throws her into the book shelf and she falls down with a thud and doesn't move. I can feel Gracie crying even harder than ever and hear her muffled sobs and sniffles.
"Get the hell out of my house! Who do you think you are any ways!"
I try to help Gracie up and leave but he pushes her back down.
"Leave my daughter here! Leave the ungrateful mistake! Get out of my house!"
I can feel my whole body begin to shake as my eyes swell up with tears. I can feel my neck getting redder and redder the hotter that I get. I cant help but to stare at him with a look of hatred on my face. I can feel my cheeks flush as I clench my fists and lean forward; daring him to touch Gracie. Daring him to say one more harsh word to her. Daring him to break her heart once more.
"Do it." I think to myself.
"Gracie go upstairs. NOW!" He screams then reaches for her arm.
"No!" I scream as I slap his hand away from her, "leave her alone! Leave them both alone!"
John grabs my arm tight, " What'd you just say to me? Don't you ever touch me again. It will be the last time you do. Now, leave."
"Im not leaving any where with out Gracie you sorry excuse for a man!"
The words fly out of my mouth quicker and harsher than I expect and I know that Im going to pay for it. I glance over at Gracie as she stares with wide eyes. John clenches the neck of my shirt and pushes me against the wall then draw his arm back.
"Dad! No!! Leave her alone daddy! Please!" Gracie jumps up and tries to get between us as she grabs my other arm.
He rears back and slams me in the face and I stumble back into the wall the slide into Gracie's arms as she draws me to her.
"Dad no! How could you?! Ans, Ans are you okay? Ansley, I'm so sorry!"
The words echo through my head as I dizzily look around. I can feel Gracie holding me, almost hugging me to her chest. I look around but I cant see. All I hear is shouting and crying. The crying, of course, coming from Gracie. I want so bad to help her but I don't know to do. Suddenly, the floor beneath my feet is gone and I find myself lying against the wall with Gracie flying on top of me.
"Both of you get the **** out of here!!"
I can hear Gracie's mom regaining herself and pleading for John to calm down.
"Go!" John screams again as Kim tries to keep him away from us.
"Come on Ans, lets get out of here. Its gonna be okay. I'm so sorry."
She grabs me up and pulls me out the back door with her letting it slam behind us.
"Oh, Ans, you're bleeding, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry" Gracie mutters as she struggles to help me across the yard.
I stumble and fall to the ground and she drops to her knees beside me.
"I'm going to get us some where safe, okay?" She promises.
I nod my head and look up at her hopelessly.
"You have to help a little bit, okay? Help me get you up and Ill help you the rest of the way."
I slowly try to regain my balance and find myself standing on my feet again. She throws my arm around her neck and drags me through the yard and out to the road. I let my head fall limp on her shoulder as I watch the ground with blurred vision move under us.