When Merlin fell back to sleep Arthur relaxed a little. It had been extremely difficult but he has summoned all of his courage to make it through that initial encounter. His heart ached. He tucked the covers up and got another blanket to drape over him.
Once Merlin was snug and secure, Arthur's mind raced back to the report and the reason why he'd kept himself completely in check. He knew, he wished to god he didn't but he knew the full extent of what his friend had suffered. It made him boil with rage at the warlord that did this. Once Merlin had recovered, he was going to take care of that man. He was going to capture him alive and give him to Merlin as a present. What that man had done... Arthur shuddered. He had to force himself to think about it, to remember because every action from him could hinder Merlin's fragile grip on reality.
When he thought about it, it only made the anger worse. He had to fight back tears of frustration and sorrow, for Merlin had suffered the thing that no one should. Not Ever, not in his Kingdom at least. He would never condone it, never allow it, and never let anyone get away with it. He closed his eyes and finally acknowledged it to himself because he had to process it. On top of everything else, Merlin had been, Arthur sighed as his heart clenched. He had to call it what it was. He had been raped. Gaius was very thorough in his examination.
His precious, innocent Merlin had suffered unspeakable agony because of him. Arthur wiped away the tears since he had no right to cry. He was responsible for this. Him alone, he sighed and ran his hands through his hair. He'd spend the rest of his life just trying, trying to make up for what happened. He'd try anything.
Though he had been there stewing for hours, he refused to leave Merlin's room. Once or twice, messages came for him. Leon had come by pay his respects and so had Morgana and Gwen. Most surprising of all, his father had stopped in. He'd read the full report and even a hardened King had been moved.
"Amazing," Uther had said, "The loyalty the boy has for you, Arthur. I will do something for him when he is back on his feet and out of that contraption."
It had set Arthur's mind at rest regarding his father. Apparently Giaus had had a long talk with Uther. Gaius had apparently convinced Uther that someone had mistaken the boy for a sorcerer and by the time the mask was on him it was too late. Uther and he had fought endlessly over it and he was glad to have his father's support. Uther laid a hand on his shoulder. "No one deserves what happened to him." There were times when his father could be human and this was one of them. He might be singing a different tune if he knew about Merlin's magic, Arthur knew, but for the time being he just ... he needed Uther's support. He couldn't deal with an emotional war on two fronts. Uther had stayed for a little while and talked to him about passing harsh laws against this kind of thing and eventually left him to his watch.
The chair in Merlin's room wasn't very comfortable but Arthur was not in the mood to care. Sometime early in the afternoon, Merlin began to mutter fitfully in the bed. Arthur immediately snapped to attention and moved towards the bed. He was worried about touching him but Merlin was flailing.
"No! No! Leave me alone!" Merlin cried out.
"Merlin, Merlin it's okay." Arthur said urgently. "It's just me. It's Arthur. Calm down, you'll hurt yourself, break open a stitch." Arthur leant over the bed and tried to calm him down by touching his shoulder gently. "You're ok. You're safe now."
"NO!" Merlin shouted desperately. "I know it's not real. You're not real! Merlin kicked out and then threw the bedclothes off in his struggle to get away. He kicked and punched and landed quite a few heavy blows. "I don't know anything, I swear!" he whimpered. "Please... please don't." And that's when the screaming started and he sobbed with terror.
Arthur tried to get him to calm down, to hold him in place before he hurt himself taking every kick or punch that Merlin dished out. "Merlin settle down..shhh. It's alright, it's me. It's Arthur. I'm here. Oh...God." His voice wavered. "Merlin, please calm down."
Merlin cried and flailed and struggled a few more minutes and finally he went slack in Arthur's arms.
"Easy... Easy now. I've got you." Arthur rubbed circles on his back to calm him down always keeping his voice low and soft. "It's Arthur, Merlin. I'm here. You're safe."
"I can't see you... I can't see you." Merlin's bleated, "Arthur!" He reached up and tried to touch Arthur's face again just to reassure himself he wasn't dreaming. "Arthur..." He whimpered.
"Still here" Arthur whispered softly.
"Don't... Don't go." Merlin drew a long shuddering breath and settled down. Arthur wrapped his arms around him and just simply held him. "You're here..." Merlin exhaled and rubbed his hand against Arthur's chest. "Why? Why is it still on? Are you... Are you afraid of me?"
Once his mind processed what Merlin was asking, Arthur's heart fell. Merlin thought the mask wasn't removed because he ... "NO!" He almost shouted. "No, Merlin. You mustn't ever think that!" He said adamantly. "I'm not afraid of your magic. Just listen to me. I'm not afraid of your magic. I trust you with my life, Merlin. Gaius has gone to talk to a friend of his. We will get it off, I promise you. I promise you. We just don't know how right now."
"It hurts." Merlin groaned, let Arthur hold him and eventually became calm.
After a long while of simply holding and rocking him, Arthur began to realize he STILL didn't have any pants on. Shit. If he looked down, he could even sort of see it there, just under the tunic. He was pleasantly distracted from that thought when Merlin's good fingers started to play in his hair. God it was distracting. What was he thinking about again?
"Arthur..." Merlin murmured.
"What?" Arthur's breath hitched as Merlin's fingers brushed across his ear, a particularly sensitive zone.
"I want to see you." Merlin said softly, "fully. I can't... I can only see parts. It feels like I'm dreaming." He hated it. "How have you managed without me?"
God, Merlin's fingers in his hair was like a drug. Even though it was just weak petting it was more contact than he ever thought he'd get from him. "Huh?"
"Did you..." Merlin stroked the hairs on the back of his neck and Arthur fought hard to suppress a low moan. "How did you get on without me? Who looked after you?"
"I didn't..." Arthur said gruffly, breathless. "I didn't hire anyone. There hasn't been anyone since you. I couldn't replace you."
Merlin gave a soft shaky laugh. "So, I'm not entirely useless then?"
"Uh-uh." Arthur had never been stroked like this before and too late he remembered he'd told Merlin he could touch him anywhere. This hadn't exactly been what he'd meant but that was okay.
Merlin sighed softly, pleased and before Arthur could say anything else Merlin's stomach growled. "I'm hungry."
"I'll get you something!" Arthur was elated that Merlin had even talked about wanting food. "Just-"
"Just what?" asked Merlin.
"I have to leave for a minute to do it. Are you going to be okay?"
"Leave the door open, so I can hear you." Merlin suggested softly.
Arthur carefully arranged Merlin back on the bed and lifted up his good hand. He lifted it to his lips and kissed his knuckles without thinking.
Merlin gave a sharp intake of breath, but he didn't snatch his hand away. "Wh..." he stuttered.
"Just being a better Nurse than Gwen." Arthur grinned at him. "I'll be right back."
Merlin snorted and laughed. "You could never be a better nurse than Gwen..."
"Oh why's that?" Arthur wanted to know, lips turning slightly into a pout.
"Your chest isn't as soft as hers." Merlin snickered.
Arthur snorted and shot back "Well we'll see about that!" He turned to collect himself and head out to the great room of the Physicians Quarters. As he began to gather the food he wondered at the implications of that comment. Arthur had never been sure of Merlin's preference. That's why he'd never made a move, too afraid of rejection. He was too afraid that if he'd done anything Merlin would quit and never come back. He wore his heart on his sleeve according to Morgana. To her it was blindingly obvious just as much as his puppy love for Gwen. So he'd never done anything, never let on and Merlin was oblivious. Morgana had told him he was a fool for being so fixated on someone who may not love him back in the way he wanted. Maybe he was. He didn't know. If Merlin didn't want him, he didn't know what he'd do. He would have to give up on marrying for love.
He eventually managed to get everything together and found the special spoon that Gaius had left out. It would help Merlin to eat as long as the bites were small. With all this he headed back to Merlin's room. He knocked on the door gently and frowned faintly when Merlin was startled. "It's just me." He assured him. "Arthur."
"I know. Sorry." Merlin visibly relaxed. "Not used to it."
"Don't be sorry, nothing for you to be sorry for." Arthur told him adamantly as he set the tray of food down. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Merlin had not yet put pants on and really... really he should because that, even a glimpse of it, was very distracting. He also found unsettling that Merlin wasn't at all trying to cover himself up. He didn't even notice. He was very glad that Merlin couldn't see the flush creeping up his neck. He sat down in his previous spot. "Do you need help?"
"Maybe if you hold the bowl" Merlin nodded.
The process was slow and painful to watch. It took about half an hour for Merlin to force down only a small amount of the food, only a handful of spoonfuls. After each one he would stop and chew and he'd make a miserable little sound. Eventually he shook his head, "I'm done, hurts too much."
"That's not nearly enough." Arthur argued. "You have to eat more than that. You need to get your strength up."
"It HURTS Arthur, it hurts when I move my jaw." Merlin held up his hands, ready to defend himself.
"I know, I'm sorry, but you need to eat. Just a few more, okay?"
"Arthur, why are you doing this?" Merlin demanded.
Arthur shrugged, "Gaius is gone for the day." He couldn't help but be slightly defensive.
"Still, anyone could be looking after me. You didn't have to be here." Merlin prodded.
Arthur touched the bridge of his nose and sighed, "Do you want me to leave?"
"NO." Merlin said almost desperately, he reached out and grasped Arthur's sleeve as much as he could. "I just don't want you to be here out of obligation."
"GODS, Merlin. That is NOT why I'm here." Arthur said a little too harshly. "Do we have to talk about this now? I just want you to get better. That's all I want." He tried to keep a tremor out of his voice but he wasn't a very good liar.
"Okay... okay." Merlin whispered softly. "But it still hurts."
"I think Gaius left something for that." Arthur was glad for a distraction from the current conversation. He rose to check the list. "Ah... something for your lips, supposed to help ease the pressure. Great, it's not a potion you have to rub it in. How does he expect me to..." He studied the mask thoughtfully. The slit was big enough, just. "I think I can get my small finger in there." He nodded. "Will you let me try?"
Merlin gave a breathy little "Yes."
Arthur coated his finger with the salve. It smelled kind of nice actually, better than most of Gaius' medicine. "This one doesn't look too bad." He mused as he sat back down and tilted Merlin's chin upwards. "Need to get a good angle. Can you see me?"
"I see your chin." Merlin muttered.
"Try this." Arthur adjusted himself again and tried to get the right angle. "Now? Can you see my eyes?"
Oh, yes, yes he could. Merlin let out a pleased sigh. "There you are." And there they were! Arthur's eyes were the most beautiful pair of eyes he'd ever seen and he'd missed them terribly. He could just stare into them for hours if he was allowed. "Arthur..." he whispered.
"It's alright." Arthur reassured him. "Just focus on me."
He could sort of see Merlin's eyes in the shadows of the mask at this angle and it was a rather awkward one. He wasn't sure how long he could keep his balance. Carefully, gently as if he was touching a baby bird, Arthur inserted his finger into the small slot. "Easy now, relax. No sudden movements. I don't want to lose MY finger." It was the first time he'd ever touched Merlin's face in any way. He carefully applied the salve and Merlin seemed to murmur in approval. Then he gave a soft little whimper and Arthur froze. He was ... He was ... sucking. Merlin was sucking on the tip of his finger.
Merlin was sucking on the tip of his finger.
It took Arthur's brain several minutes to catch up with what was happening. His body, however, had caught up LONG before that. It took every single ounce of willpower he had left to draw his finger out and release Merlin's chin. God. What had just happened?
Merlin sighed and leant back on the pillows. Multiple since Arthur had brought several down. To his great surprise, Arthur could see that Merlin was aroused. It was the last thing he'd expected. "That felt good." Merlin didn't seem to even realize he was aroused. "I think I'm okay to eat a little more now."
Arthur wasn't caught up yet. "Felt good." He swallowed, took in a few heavy breaths. "Felt good." His brain was on fire. What was Merlin talking about? Food.
"Arthur, are you alright?" Merlin asked in a puzzled tone.
"I'm ... I'm." Arthur swallowed, his body wasn't ready to let him think yet.
"Food?" Merlin gestured towards the bowl and pointed at his mouth as though Arthur had suddenly been stricken dumb.
Arthur stared at him. "You don't feel it?"
"Huh? Oh." Merlin's voice faltered as it finally dawned on him what had Arthur so agitated. "Just ignore it please. It'll go away."
"Merlin, do you know what's happening?"
"I don't want to talk about it!" Merlin growled suddenly.
He seemed, Arthur paled, oh gods he seemed ashamed. "I'm not upset by it, far from it." He tried to assure him. "Are you... Are you reacting to me?" He was afraid of the answer but he had to ask.
Merlin's voice was hollow. "I don't know. Please, just let it go."
"Merlin!" Arthur shifted closer. "I don't expect anything. I don't want anything. I just want you to know. It's not just you reacting." He took one of Merlin's hands and guided it down. He placed it carefully over his own very hard bit, just a light touch.
Merlin gasped and Arthur sucked in his breath. He snatched his hand away immediately... and then he put it back and squeezed slightly, curiously. Arthur groaned. "Wow..." Merlin whispered, amazed.
"That's all you can say? Wow?" Arthur raised an eyebrow.
"H—hheh.. Wow. That's for me. It's hard." Merlin was the master of obvious, apparently.
"It'll get harder if you keep that up." Arthur gulped.
"But... You like girls! I know you do." Merlin accused him.
"H-hah.." Arthur was finding it hard to think, let alone respond. "You're sometimes like a girl, you know."
"Shut up." Merlin smacked Arthur's shoulder then winced as he shouldn't have agitated his hand. He sniffled. "I ... I don't want it. Please Arthur. Please don't, Arthur." His breath began to hitch a little.
"No... no, Merlin I would NEVER. I would never force you." Arthur assured him. "I swear it."
After a while, Merlin nodded. "I'm still hungry. I'll have some more now, please."
And there it was. The rejection he'd feared for the last three years. He hadn't been expecting it so soon or how much it hurt. It tore at his heart and made him feel bloodied and mutilated inside just as if he had been tortured himself.
"Arthur..." Merlin couldn't quite understand his silence. After all, he couldn't read his expression but he could sense Arthur's anguish. "Just not now, okay?" He clarified gently.
That terrible feeling turned to sudden hope and finally his brain caught up with events. "Food." Arthur nodded, relieved.
Tension relieved somewhat, he proceeded to make sure that Merlin ate the whole bowl.