*trigger warning*
I’m fine, she had said. She had doubted he’d believe her, he never did. He could read her like a book. But he had merely said, Alright, and kissed her cheek.
It had surprised her. She had expected him to force it out of her, expected him to corner her in the kitchen until she spilled. But he just smiled and went into the dining room with the boys.
She had finished making dinner in a hurry, knowing there were three hungry men awaiting their meal. She had served them, watched them scarf down the food hungrily; she barely picked at hers, though, simply moving it around on her plate so it looked as if she were eating. No one noticed. Surprising, since he seemed to notice everything. But no, her antics were invisible to her family. She didn’t know whether to be relieved that none of them could read her, or hurt that they didn’t seem to care enough to try.
Now, she stood in the master bathroom, staring at her reflection in the mirror, wanting nothing more than to just cease existence. She had tried so hard, done everything right. She had been nice, been good, even. She had helped those she despised most, mended relationships with them, and ultimately changed her ways. She had done a complete 180.
So it perplexed her that her life was still going downhill. She had done what Snow said, she hadn’t let anything hold her back. She found love, and she worked hard to keep it. She built a life, a family with him. And every time she let herself within an inch of real, true happiness, her world came crashing down again. Honestly, she didn’t know how much more she could take.
She gazed into the mirror, looking herself over. Studying the way her skin began to sag in places, due to stress and pain no doubt. The dark, prominent bags under her eyes, probably permanent, from her constant exhaustion. She was young, still in her prime, but she was beginning to look older with each passing day. She realized this and it stung her heart, burning the already open wound that just refused to heal itself, or at least scab over. When, and if, it finally did, it would be just another scar to represent the pain she’s gone through in her life. If she lived to see the day…
Her feelings washed over her, filling every corner of her mind. And the pain, oh the pain that slowly etched its way into her soul. Tears poured over her cheeks as she faced her own worst enemy in her bathroom mirror. She didn’t know how much longer she could stand this, this pain, this torment. She loved him, of course she did, and he knew it though she had yet to say it. But being with him only caused her this never-ending agony. She had lived with this for so long, and it finally dissipated when he came into her life… And then, Zelena happened. And everything crashed and burned. And now, he brought comfort, along with her good friends pain and sadness. She had thought she’d passed that part of her life, reached the summit of the mountain and was on the downward stretch to pure joy. Apparently not, as fate had more trials and suffering in store for her.
She stood in her bathroom, not knowing if she’d leave the same way she entered: alive.
How much longer could she take this pain? How much more could she bare?
The answer was simple: she had reached her limit.
Before another thought could enter her mind, though, he was there, in the doorway that she’d forgotten to close, concern all over his face. She turned her face away from the mirror, closing her eyes so she couldn’t see him. He made her decision all the more harder. If she couldn’t see him, maybe she could rip out her heart without second thoughts. Maybe she could end all her pain right there, right then, with him in the room…
Would he care?
Would he try to stop her?
Well… Let’s find out, she thought.
Her hand rested on her chest, just above the resilient thing that gave her life, her ever-scarred heart. She pressed down, her hand sinking into her chest, fingers immediately finding the red orb laced through with black. She pulled it out and opened her eyes, staring intently at the beating heart she held in her hand.
“Regina, what are you doing?” He asked, panic and confusion evident in his voice and demeanor.
She answered not with words, but with actions. She squeezed. She choked, crying out in pain and leaning against the sink for support.
Harder. He’s watching you kill yourself and he doesn’t care. Squeeze harder, damnit!
Her inner demons, and boy were there a lot of them, were screaming at her. She didn’t have the strength to fight them, not anymore.
Harder, she squeezed and more pain flowed through her, causing her body to jerk and she hit the ground on her knees, hard.
And then he was there, grabbing her wrist tight enough to leave bruises, prying her fingers from the glowing object in her hand.
“Goddamnit, Regina, let go of your fucking heart! Stop!” He pleaded with her, his own tears pooling in is icy blue irises as they searched for her warm brown ones.
She finally met his gaze and gave up as his strength overcame her grip and he pulled her heart from her grasp. She slumped against the cabinets, gasping for breath, the remnants of pain still overwhelming her body. She closed her eyes as more tears leaked out, streaming down her porcelain cheeks.
“You lied to me,” Robin stated matter-of-factly. He didn’t sound angry or hurt, just… Declarative, as though he were just putting it out there that she hadn’t been honest with him. “You told me you were fine, but you most definitely are not.”
She tried to reply, but a wheeze took over her words and she choked on a cough.
Despite everything he had just witnessed, the former thief pulled the former queen into his arms, rubbing a soothing, loving hand down her back. She finally caught her breath and looked up at him, tears still staining her cheeks.
“Give me my heart back. Please,” she wheezed, barely able to get the words out before coughing once again.
“No. Something this precious isn’t safe with you. Not right now, not after what you just tried to do.”
“There are other ways to commit suicide, Robin.”
“I know. But you won’t. You know why? Because I won’t let you, Regina. I care about you too damn much to let you take your own life.”
“Oh, come on, Robin. You know everyone would be better off without me.”
Robin sighed. He took her chin in his thumb and forefinger and turned her head to face him.
“Why? Why did I find you in here crying, two seconds away from crushing your own heart? What’s wrong, Regina? You used to tell me these things. You were honest with me when I asked if you were alright. What have I done to push you away? Please, tell me so I can fix it, so I can fix us, because I don’t want to lose you,” Robin begged.
She rubbed her face. He said he cared, and she almost believed him. Almost. But there was still a shadow of doubt within her, as there always was. Still just one demon that hadn’t quite given up against Robin’s light forces that told her he would never care about her.
Who did she trust more: the demon who had been in her mind since her time as queen, or the man in front of her now whom she was destined to be with?
Even in her current state, the answer was obvious to Regina. She had trained herself to trust no one, especially not her inner demons. She had shut the world out, explaining why she could be so hard-hearted. But somehow, Robin had found a way to tear down the walls around her heart and gain her trust and, even worse, her love.
She trusted her soulmate.
And so she spilled, told him everything. All the trials and hardships she went through before and during her reign as queen, and that was why she had such tough skin and walls too high to climb, because after everything that happened to her, she lost faith that anyone could ever truly love and cherish her the way she deserved. So she held on to that anger for years, not just for the sake of being angry, but because it was her anchor, the only thing that kept her grounded, and if she didn’t have it she was afraid she’d float away and disappear forever. That was why she always seemed to deny herself love and happiness—she didn’t think she could actually have it.
And then… And then he came along and changed her, changed everything about her. And she let herself believe in love, let herself taste it, and found that she wanted more. She wanted more of him, more of his love, more everything he made her feel. She had become so dependent on him and didn’t know what she would do without out.
But as soon as she let herself be happy, things started happening again. Marian came back, although she was really Zelena but no one knew that at the time. And she understood why he had to leave her, he had to uphold his vows to his not-so-dead wife, he had his code and his honor. He had said he would walk through hell to be with Marian again, and now he didn’t have. She had thought he would be happy with her and his son again, and she wanted that for him, his happiness.
But it didn’t stop there, nothing ever did, the pain had to keep coming until she was completely broken, shattered to bits. The hardest part of Marian’s return was him leaving. When he left, a piece of her left with him, and not just any piece: the piece of her heart that kept her alive and breathing. Countless times the pain had overwhelmed her, almost to the point of where she is now, almost to the point where she ripped out her own heart. Those nights, the only thing that kept her from it after tackling a bottle of wine was something he had left with her unknowingly: hope. She had never believed in hope, it was a dangerous thing to give something, especially when hope had only ever crushed your dreams as it had to Regina. But she had it now because of her time with him, and that hope was an anchor to her heart, a substitute for the place where Robin had been, and it kept her going, kept her looking for a way to get him back. Kept her believing that he was out there in New York somewhere, still madly in love with her, still hoping for a way to get back, still waiting for her.
And then Marian became Zelena, and Zelena was pregnant, and everything turned into a big, hot mess. A mess that spiraled out of control in a downward motion, pulling Regina along with it, and she didn’t know what to do or how to stop it, so she held on for the ride, afraid if she just let go she’d fly away and lose him forever. And now they had reached rock bottom and that monster of a mess had done more than just pull Regina down, it had stripped her of all her happiness and love, and she was so lost without it, without him. She could feel the darkness pulling at her, telling her she’d lost and she could never be happy, and she wanted to give in so bad, to go back to being the Evil Queen because it would be much easier than this, than feeling all this pain if she could just drown it out with the evil that still resided somewhere deep in her heart even after all she’d been through.
And she almost had, she almost had given in and lost her battle once and for all, but then he was there, as he always was. He was there, and he was saving her again, just as he had done many a time before, and she was forever in debt to him, forever thankful that he refused to let her take her own life.
He listened silently, watching her face as her expression changed upon recalling each memory, each emotion she felt, and it killed him, seeing all the pain he caused her evident in her features, seeing her relive every moment that contributed to the evil that had rooted itself inside her. He didn’t know what to say, what to do, so he hugged her, pulling her close to him, hoping to push away the pain she felt.
“I’m sorry, my love, I’m so sorry,” he muttered into her hair over and over again as she cried into his chest. He tried to pull back and look at her, but she whimpered and held tighter to him, and he understood that she just needed to be held right now, needed to feel his arms around her. Needed him to hold her as though her were her glue now, as though he was keeping her grounded rather than anger. And so he complied, allowing her to sit in his lap and sob her heart out, although her heart still wasn’t in her chest.
He watched it as it continued beating, throbbing against the counter top where he had gently placed it after removing it from her deathly grasp. And he wanted her to have it back in her chest, but without the pain. He wanted her to be full of love and light and joy, not this pain and sadness he had caused her.
“Regina,” he murmured when her sobs died down, and she pulled back to look at him.
“I was planning on telling you this later, but I don’t think it can wait any longer, not after this…”
She looked at him expectantly, nodding for him to go on.
“Zelena isn’t pregnant. She used magic to somehow feign the whole thing. So we really can have a family together, just like you’ve always wanted. And before you say anything, I know you can’t have kids, but we can talk to Gold about it—“
“Robin, the effects of that potion were permanent —“
“But it’s worth a shot. He’s the Dark One. You never know what he’s got up his sleeve,” the outlaw insisted.
Regina just nodded with a sigh, hope once again blossoming in her chest.
“But for now,” he said gently retrieving her heart, “we need to get this back in your chest.”
As carefully as he could, he pressed her heart back into her chest, pulling his hand out but letting it linger as he felt it beating under her skin.
She gasped at the sensation, then smiled as she was overwhelmed with love for the man in front of her, the man whom she love with all her heart, and he was all hers.
“I love you,” she breathed before setting her lips against his in a passionate, meaningful kiss.
“I love you, too, my sweet.”
Regina knew this was not the end of a long and bumpy road for her. But as they kissed, she had an overwhelming sense that everything would be alright, it would work out for the better. Somehow, this thief had managed to remove every ounce of emotional pain from her, at least for the time being, and replace it with overwhelming amounts of love and happiness. And she vowed to never let herself get so low again, to keep looking forward and stay positive. Definitely something she would struggle with, but she would learn along the way because she had him, and he made her happy. Because they were together and in love, and love conquers all.