The Klutz and the King

By andtheniwaslike

34.9K 1.3K 892

"Um. Hi. Is this animal control? My name's Honey, but I promise it isn't my stripper name. Yeah, I have an em... More

Fucking Felicia
Your Body Got Me Wet
Tomatoes Are Actually Fruits
Gay is Okay!
I'd Sell My Right Hand For You

Lowkey Taylor Swift

4.6K 178 65
By andtheniwaslike

Chapter Five: Lowkey Taylor Swift (Make Like A Tree And Leave)

Lucas, Honey's best friend, above.

Honey

Hell.

Everything was dark. The shadows menacingly loomed over the terrain as far as they eye could strain to see.

Though there was also red all around, red upon red upon bloody red. The red world was freezing; my lips were surely a pitiful blue.

There were hints of movement in my peripheral view, and the only thing I could distinguish was the whites of exhausted eyes and the slow puffs of shaky, exhausted breaths.

My fingertips were numb and my limbs felt as if they were shackled by cuffs that weighed so much—too much.

I was tired.

I was too drowsy to even care that a large hand clasped over my shoulder, hindering me from continuing on my journey to the abyss of absolute meaninglessness.

"Honey," a deep voice said firmly, shaking me out of my clouded state.

"Why are you here?"

Why am I here? Why is anything here?

"Honey, answer me. Why the fuck are we at school right now?"

I shuddered at the mention of school. The red brick walls that hid a world full of monotonous living and somewhat smelly teenagers.

"It's five o'clock in the morning. We shouldn't be on the school campus this early," the voice tried again. It was the voice of my pessimistic best friend.

I need to start investing in new friends.

"Quit the fact-finding, Lucas, I'm escaping the brutality of my domineering aunt in order to pursue a life of ultimate safety," I said snappily.

I whirled around to glare at my negative  sidekick, only for him to stare back down at me disdainfully with his cold grey eyes.

He was so tall, and his all-seeing, calculating gaze probably made people endure explosive diarrhea. But I've known him since before I've even known about knowing him, and his angry look was all just of genuine care.

I hope.

The only light that illuminated him came from his phone screen displaying the time. The shadows on Lucas's face made his jaw clench visible, and he continued to cast me a look of annoyance.

"Why are we here so early?" he pushed.

"Why are you so early?" I countered, putting my hands on my hips.

He made a growling noise before putting his phone in my face, temporarily blinding me.

I blinked before reading my urgent text messages to him.

(4:20am)
HIGH LUCAS. haha get it?? 4:20 lol! im walking to school, wanna join?
Yes? Kk

...WEED better get going lmaoo got u

(4:31am)
Jello??
Hello*
LOL the 'j' and the 'h' are right next to each other on the keyboard. Btw, do you have any jello we can eat on the way cause i missed breakfast :(

(4:39am)
Lucas come now please im scared & hungry

"Oh," I giggled. "Did you bring some food?"

"I'll feed you if you tell me what happened," Lucas bargained.

I raised both of my eyebrows. I could not raise one at a time, you see.

"Hmm. What kind of food is it?"

He smirked, as if he knew something I didn't. "Starbu—"

"So I'm walking to school and the next thing I know, I've got a hot guy in my room! We didn't do the nasty or anything, but Amber came in and made me pull out the vagina jokes, so I woke up early to get to school before Aunt Felicia could confront me about it and now I'm here starving like Napoleon's Grand Army when they tried to invade Russia," I breathed out.

I held my hand out expectantly, giddy to have a warm cup of hot cocoa in my hands soon.

Without question, he gave me a crusty orange  plastic bag of crustiness instead.

"What is this?!" I yelped, chucking the bag at a nearby bush. "Drugs?! The weed thing was just a joke!"

"It's Starburst candy. It's from Halloween," he said flippantly.

Starburst? Not Starbucks? How dare he trick me with his slow speaking!

"Why are you giving this to me?" I looked like a crippled cow, gazing up at him pleadingly. "I'm hungry. Do you want me to starBURST into flames and die?"

He raised his eyebrow, and my eyes welled up with hungry peasant tears.

He eyed me slowly before tugging me by the scarf to the nearest Starbucks.

~*~

"Those boys followed us," Lucas stated from beside me.

I stopped myself from sipping the scolding hot cocoa (that he paid for) and followed his emotionless gaze to two boys with dirty blond hair and taught muscles. Their heads seemed to snap to the side as if they weren't staring at us.

"Maybe they think I'm Taylor Swift," I said patronizingly.

"Impossible. You're shorter than the average penis."

"Well the average weenie must be pretty darn huge!" I scowled at Lucas, crossing my arms.

What was with all the guys talking about their ding dongs? Goodness, couldn't I have one conversation without their genitals mentioned?

"Excuse me, can we sit here? There's no other available table," an apologetic voice came from beside, interrupting us.

I turned to see the blond boys standing at the entrance of our booth.

The one who spoke had pretty hazel eyes, and the scowling one beside him had eyes that looked exactly like the black coals Lucas definitely got from Santa every year on Christmas.

I awkwardly glanced at the empty tables behind them before grinning.

"Sure!" I chirped.

"Bullshit," Lucas said coldly. He stood up immediately. "Who sent you?"

Hazel Eyes looked flustered. "Nobody! We just wanted to hang out with this girl because she's—"

His buddy Santa Coal smacked him in the back of the head, making his voice crack.

"We're here to protect her. We're hired by a very important man, so I think it's best we keep her away from guys like you," Santa Coal sneered.

His words didn't have the effect he'd hoped for. If anything, it only made Luke crack a mirthless smile.

The two guys looked a little miffed at Lucas's intimidating appearance.

"I knew it!" I cried out suddenly. "You two have made a mistake. I told you Luke, they thought I was Taylor Swift."

Lucas scoffed, ignoring me. "Why don't you make like a tree and leave. She's safer with me than two beach boys going through puberty."

I laughed at that, until Santa Coal decided to lunge at Luke.

"Wait!" I screamed; I felt my heart thud loudly at my anxiousness.

Santa Coal seemed to unwillingly freeze in midair.

"Who sent you?" I demanded. "Why're you following us?"

"Kaiden sent us," the two answered begrudgingly.

My ears perked up eagerly. "Kaiden sent you? Where is he now? Can I see him?"

The two shared uneasy glances. "He's busy at... work still. He's a very important person."

"Oh?" I said sullenly. Who had work at five in the morning? Who was he, Jake from State Farm?

Meeting him last night seemed more like a dream, but these two were living proof that I did meet my soul mate last night. A soul mate that's apparently very busy.

"Please inform Kaiden that I am perfectly safe. And don't bother Lucas again. He's my best friend," I crossed my arms.

I could see Lucas's platinum hair shake slightly. He was laughing.

"We can't leave you alone," Hazel Eyes said sheepishly.

Ridiculous. Why would I need two bodyguards? The worst that could happen in this forested town was get a splinter from a tree.

"I'm not alone. Lucas is right there," I argued, jabbing Luke in the nose.

His eye twitched cynically and I couldn't help but snort.

Hazel Eyes began to protest fervently, and Santa Coal looked like he wanted to punch me in the throat.

Maybe if I complied, I could get away from them.

I eyed my surroundings. Lucas always chose secluded booths far from any door. The store was rather empty save for a tired, albeit beautiful mom with a cranky child who was bawling his little eyes out. Behind them, though, was a hallway with a restroom—a restroom that surely had to have a window.

"Okay, whatever," I finally waved the two apparent guards off.

"Okay? You're okay with this?" Hazel Eyes asked.

"Yeah, fine, it's cool... I'm going to take a dump from my rump really quick. I don't believe you male specimens want to be following me there too?" I mocked.

I stepped on Lucas's foot, signaling my plan to run away. I also added a hard stomp for good measure, grinning wildly when he eyed me coldly.

"Um, alright? We'll wait here with your... friend," Hazel boy spoke distastefully.

"Perfect." I nodded, taking my untouched hot chocolate in hand and making my way out of the booth.

"Why're you bringing your drink to the toilet?" Santa Coal asked suspiciously.

"Maybe I don't wanna be frozen while I let it go," I glared childishly.

However, as I passed the crying little boy, I handed him my heavenly hot chocolate.

He immediately quit crying and began slurping away, much to the mom's horror. He peered up at me with adoring little blue eyes that had me beaming.

Before his mom could snatch it up, I interrupted her.

"I just bought that hot chocolate, it's on the house," I smiled encouragingly, patting the child on the head. "It looks like your son may need it more than me."

"Oh, alright... he's not my son though. I'm his nanny," the woman corrected, slightly irritated.

I nodded distractedly as my eyes landed on the hallway, moving around her to execute my runaway.

"Make sure to hurry out!" Santa Coal's deep voice called from behind me.

"Exactly what I plan to do," I said to myself, adrenaline rushing through me at the thought of making a sneaky escape. The name's Bond. Honey Bond.

Wait no, that sounds like a syrup brand.

But I should've really tried to avoid messing with anything syrup related. I was stuck in the Starbucks restroom window, wheezing in the air that was freezing.

A/N: OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU! Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers from the United States!

ALSO THANK YOU FOR NEARLY 1,500 READS // 200 VOTES // 350 COMMENTS!

You guys are such a fun audience and I'm so excited that you're enjoying it so far.
Please feel free to comment! Y'all HELLA FUNNY LOL.

And tap or click that little star to support Honey's dream of being known as Taylor Swift!

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