The Klutz and the King

Fucking Felicia

Chapter One: Fucking Felicia

Honey

Waking up super early was the worst thing ever.

I blindly reached for my phone, trying to turn off the screeching alarm. I had set a random screamo song as my ringtone just to get me up.

I lazily checked the time. The bright 1:00 PM from the phone had me nearly weeping. Unfortunately, it was time to get ready for school.

Sitting up and stretching, I barrel rolled off the bed on the ground with a thud. I completed my morning rituals before going down for some breakfast.

I glanced around the house. My room was under the staircase, but it was pretty big. The plus side was, my scary aunt and obnoxious cousins slept upstairs, so I could sneak away easily. Seeing that the coast was clear, I crept into the kitchen and grabbed the box of Cheerios.

"Fucking Honey!" Aunt Felicia screamed outta nowhere, advancing toward me with a fly swatter. My Cheerios flew out of my hands, but I couldn't help but laugh at her word choice.

My aunt was a mess. She had a nose job gone wrong a few years back, and I think it made her a wee bit bitter on the inside. With the way she looked at me with her fly-killing machine, she looked like a movie villain.

"You think you could sneak out of here?" she snapped. She snatched the phone out of my hand, waving it in the air fanatically. "This vibrator could be heard a mile away!"

I couldn't help but choke on a Cheerio I was eating as Aunt Felicia glanced at my phone clock.

"Your fucking school started at eight o'clock! I checked the website," she hissed, her eyes narrowing in on me.

I didn't even bother telling her that I had a zero period. Zero period meant that I had to be at school by seven in the morning, and she'd surely whoop my derrière if she found out.

We stared at each other for a moment.

Then it clicked! The nose, the weapon, the slit eyes. She was definitely related to Voldemort. God, doesn't that mean I'm Harry Potter? Honey Potter. I snorted to myself.

Shoving a handful of Cheerios into my mouth, I high-tailed it out of there before she could punch me in the throat.

A tiny Felicia shoe hit the wall next to me, clearly meant for my face. My eyes widened as I scurried away. "Bye Felicia."

~*~

I walked to school. I didn't have a car, I didn't have a license, and I clearly didn't have the capability to drive. (Aunt Fel was just too lazy to take me to the DMV.)

Luckily for me, the school was a ten minute walk. Just a quick maneuver through the woods, then down a couple blocks, and the beautiful PD Academy popped up. The campus was lovely, which was probably the only reason anyone attended a school called PDA.

It was winter time, so the trees of the woods were vulnerable and bare. The air had a nice, white shimmer to it, glowing in the tamed sun. Another plus for waking up at one in the afternoon is the pleasingly cool weather.

The walk was quiet and peaceful as always. I munched my dry cereal, kinda wishing the snow was milk.

Then there was a long, resounding howl. So much for peaceful.

As it echoed through the forest, the howl began to fade into a whimper-cry. Before I could even spell milk, a hulking wolf came into my sight. It was limping worse than when I tripped on the turtle in summer camp. The red trail behind it wasn't such good sign either.

"Holy shiitake," I whispered. I watched in horror as the wolf collapsed. Before I could stop myself, I was running to the poor animal.

The wolf's eyes were a scarily bright shade of crystal blue as it peered up at me. The cold eyes seemed to warm me up though, but my heart ached at its vulnerability.

"Hey big guy," I murmured. I stroked its fur, contemplating what I should do. I smiled to myself when the cute giant of a wolf nuzzled into my hand, lazily maintaining eye contact. There were clear wounds on the animal, and he did need medical assistance as soon as possible. Why was it so content in its broken state? Should I call the police? Hmm, would this wolfy fit in the ambulance? Probably. I reached into my pocket for my phone.

But it wasn't there.

Aunt Felicia took it and accused it of being a vibrator.

"FELICIA," I screamed in agony up in the winter sky. How dare she steal my phone? I wanted to rip the fly swatter out of her hand and swat her all the way to Pluto, the cold planet that only cold people could live on. It wasn't even a planet anymore. It was no longer invited to the planet party, just like Felicia was no longer invited to the warm people parties. How could I even invite her if I didn't have my phone?

The wolf made an impatient huffing noise, and I glanced down warily, and then shrieked in surprise.

There was no traces of wounds, and it stood up to it's full height. I felt even shorter than normal. God, this was kind of unnerving. I was not scared, but more shocked at the animal's size. Really, I never knew Clifford the Big Red Dog was real.

Before I could blink my eyes, though, the wolf transformed into a hot sexy beautiful guy. A naked hot sexy beautiful guy. His head turned to face me completely, and my heart faltered. I could feel his eyes on me, his piercing stare with his ocean eyes, and I just had to look away.

No longer was I keeping my gaze on those dazzling eyes. My line of vision lingered elsewhere. They trailed down southward, and I saw it.

Like, how could I not see it? I saw his... his garbanzo beans and his hot dog.

...And then I fainted.

~*~

A/N: Yay! First chapter is up!

For an early update, let's reach: 3 Votes, 2 Comment!

I'm beyond excited to share this silly story with you. I don't have an editor, so please excuse any grammatical errors. I'd love any feedback!

PS I hope I haven't spoiled any garbanzo beans for you. In all honesty, I've never tried them yet, but I don't think I want to.