A/N: I finally made my update!!! Enjoy!
"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now. Said I wouldn't call, but I've lost all control and I need you now. And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now." ~Lady Antebellum
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All Kate was trying to do was cut a tomato for her sandwich. Her counter tops were too high for her to raise her left arm on top to be able to hold the fruit in place. So she carefully placed it on the cutting board and balanced it just right. Picking up the knife, she attempted to slice it in half, but just as she put pressure on the knife the tomato rolled off of the board.
The knife clattered to the counter and Kate took in a sharp breath. Saying she was frustrated was an understatement. She ran a hand through her long, brown curls and gave up on the tomato. She'd just eat her lunch without it.
Grabbing the mayo container, she placed it in her left hand that stuck out of the opening of her sling. In a struggle to unscrew the cover, she winced when squeezed the container too tight and the mayonnaise crashed to the floor. The lid cracked and it spilled all over.
Her face fell and she cushioned her forehead against the counter using her good arm. So much for making a sandwich, she thought. She wanted to cry or scream or laugh. She'd never not been able to take care of herself. Now look at her, mayo was spilt haphazardly across her kitchen floor and the still uncut tomato was rolling dangerously close to the edge of the counter.
She left the kitchen in search of her phone. Ignoring the texts and calls from Rick, she dialed the number of her favorite takeout place. She was over trying to make lunch herself, it just wasn't working.
While she waited, she relaxed against her couch and scrolled through Rick's texts. They were all variations of "call me if you need anything" and "I miss you". She let a small smile stretch across her face, but only for a second as she laid her phone to the side without giving him any reply.
She missed him, she really did, but if her shooting did anything, other than make her incapable of everyday tasks, it proved to her just how much she cared for Rick. She was falling hard and fast, and that scared her to no end. She just needed to take a step back, gain her composure again. She needed to focus on her life and bettering herself before she brought Rick and Alexis into the situation.
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Kate sunk down into the bubble bath and breathed in the sweet lavender scent. Her bliss was interrupted from the loud ring of her phone. Luckily, she was able to reach it with her good arm and she looked at the screen. Rick, again.
He wasn't going to stop calling her until she picked up, so she pushed her anxiety aside and swiped right to answer the call.
"Hey, Rick," she answered.
"Kate!" the young redhead's voice traveled through the line, "It's you! It's actually you!"
Kate's heart swelled at Alexis' excitement. "Hi, Pumpkin."
Alexis jumped into a story about her and Rick's adventure at the beach the day earlier. "And then Daddy sent me on a scavenger hunt for all kinds of seashells! I found so many, Kate! In all sorts of pretty colors!"
Kate chuckled at her excitement, but she felt a pang of sadness too. What was she doing avoiding him like this? Avoiding her? In an instant she didn't want to see her life without this small family. With complete sincerity Kate finally replied to Alexis' story, "That sounds amazing, Lex. I wish I could've been there."
"That's okay, Kate. Daddy said that you're hurt and need to heal."
Kate was taken aback by the young girl's maturity and understanding. She struggled to keep the tear from falling from the corner of her eye. "Yeah, Red, I am hurt, but I'm okay," Kate said. "Sweetie, is your dad there? I'd like to talk to him."
"Yeah!" she answered, "He's in the other room. I'll go get him!"
"Thanks."
"You're welcome," Alexis said with a smile. She paused and Kate thought that she was gone already, but she spoke again, "Hey, Kate?"
"What's up, Lex?"
"Can you come back here soon?"
Her heart broke when she heard the hurt in Alexis' voice. "Of course, sweetie," she said, "I'll be there in no time."
"Thanks, Kate. I'll go get Daddy now. Bye, I love you."
"Love you more."
After her conversation with the young redhead, there was no way that she could ignore him now, and she needed to talk to him, needed to apologize.
She couldn't go back, not yet, but that didn't mean she had to stop herself from talking to him. It didn't mean that she had to push him away.
She was distracted when she heard his voice. He sounded hesitant, "Hey."
Immediate relief washed over her, "Hey yourself." There was an awkward pause, they never had awkward pauses, and Kate knew that it was because of her. The only way to make things normal again was to fess up for her actions. Words were spilling from her mouth before she knew what was going on. "I'm so so sorry, Rick. I shouldn't have ignored you like that. I don't know what I was thinking. I was just, um, I'm scared, Rick. I still am..." she trailed off.
"Kate," he whispered.
She sounded almost in tears but he couldn't tell. "I'm just really confused, Rick. I've never felt like this before. I've never let my wall down this far and I'm afraid you're not going to like what's left standing on the other side."
Rick bit his lip to hold back a small laugh because he knew that this was a serious conversation, but Kate's words were ridiculous to the point of laughter. He would always see her as extraordinary. "Kate," he said, "What makes you even think that?"
There was silence from her end and he continued, "As far as I'm concerned, the way I see you will never change. Even if you broke my heart into a million pieces, there's no way that I could ever see you any differently, Kate. Believe me when I tell you this, you're the most remarkable, beautiful, exceptional, yet challenging person I have ever met and couldn't be happier that you're in my life."
"How can you say that when you don't know the person I'll be? I don't even know sometimes."
Rick was confused, "I'm not following."
"You don't know the person I'll be when that wall falls. The things that built that wall are what defines me. What happens when it's not there anymore?."
Rick took a deep breath, "I don't really know Kate, but what I do know is that I sure as hell want to be there to find out."
"What if you don't like -"
"What if you don't let me see?"
Kate's head tipped back against her tub as she listened to Rick's plea. Her heart was telling her to believe him, but her head told her to stop. To slow things down. Her inner struggle only amplified as his soothing voice filled her ear.
Rick changed his tactic, "Can I ask you something, Kate?"
She was hesitant but didn't see any reason to say no. "I suppose so, yeah."
"When you see Alexis, how do you see her being as an adult?"
She didn't know what to think of his question. Why was he bringing his daughter into this? Regardless, she answered truthfully, "Well, I see her as being a wonderful, compassionate, and successful woman. She's going to achieve anything she sets her mind to. She could take over the whole world if she wanted to, Rick. What's Alexis got to do with this now?" she questioned.
"She has everything to do with this, Kate. What you said about her was spot on, and I'm positive that she'll turn out to be just what you described. But, that's the thing, she's only 7."
"You're losing me, Rick."
"The way you act as a child has a big influence as to who you are as an adult, and I knew you as a child, Kate. The way you presented yourself. Your perseverance. Your happiness and childlike nature. That was amazing. That's who you are, and deep down I know that that's still there despite the wall that you've built, and, believe it or not, I've seen that side of you already," he paused. "She reminds me a lot of you, you know."
"Alexis?" she asked.
"Yeah, in every aspect. And, I hope that she grows to be exactly like you."
Kate had no idea how to respond to that, but she didn't get a chance before he spoke again, "Look, it's getting late, and I need to get Alexis to bed. I'll talk to you soon?" she said as though it was a question.
"Yeah, Castle, I'll call you tomorrow," she said. "Oh, and thank you. For everything."
"You don't need to thank me when it's true. Goodnight, Kate."
Kate hung up her phone and finally got out of the tub, now cold and less foamy. She finally crawled into bed, but she couldn't get herself to fall asleep. After her conversation with Rick, she was more confused than ever. She didn't know what to think anymore.
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As the sun set behind the New York skyline and the darkness of the night took over, Kate laid wide-awake in her empty bed. Her head was spinning and going a mile a minute. There was no way that she could slow it down. Everything that her and Rick had talked about earlier were running through her mind, and she was still as scared as she was before, even more so. But, everytime she closed her eyes the thought of losing him scared her awake. It was like she wanted to be with him in her dreams but was pushing him away in real life. How was she suppose to make her dreams a reality?
Her mind was wandering. In one moment she saw a future with Rick, but in another she saw herself old and grown without him by her side. As much as that frightened her, she craved that - craved him.
She flew the covers off her body and swung her feet to the floor. Pushing herself away, she moved to her dresser and quickly changed into a pair of leggings, Rick's big Superman t-shirt, and her running shoes. His shirt still had a hint of his scent on it but it was beginning to fade. She made a mental note to "borrow" another one soon.
Rushing around her room and apartment, she didn't even turn on the lights as she found her duffel bag and started to shove clothes inside it. Finding all of her belongings and getting them into her bag was hard enough with only one are that she didn't even bother folding anything. It just wasn't worth it.
She could tell herself that she didn't want to be with him as much as she wanted and that wouldn't change a thing. She could continued to run from her past and her fears or she could take a risk. This was something that she's never done before. She was taking what felt like her biggest leap thus far, and when she turned the key in her car's ignition she'd never felt so sure before.
Her wall was crumbling, and it was crumbling fast. There was no ignoring the desire to be with him any longer. She just needed to be there wrapped in his arms, despite all the warning alarms going off in her head. Despite how much she tried to deny it, she just wanted Rick.
Thanks for sticking around this long!!! I'd like to hear your thoughts on this one, leave a review for me!!! XOXO