Chapter Eighteen
"Solitude is bliss." Nakangiting wika ko kay Sam nang makaakyat kami sa kuwarto ko. I carried her here and when I set her down, I immediately closed the door.
She pulled her eyes away from me and scanned the entire room. When I graduated from college, I had a drastic change in style. Noon, puno ng bookshelves ang kuwarto ko at mga science experiment na nakatambak sa gilid. Ngayon, it now a door that connects it to my personal library. Doon nakalagay ang mga book collections ko at nagsisilbi na rin itong office ko kapag panandaliang nanatili ako rito sa manor.
"Ang laki ng pinagbago ng kuwarto mo," saad niya. "Nasaan 'yung mga shelves? 'Yung framed sketch ng Vitruvian Man ni Leonardo da Vinci, wala na rin?"
"I moved both inside my office. That way." Ininguso ko ang kabilang pinto.
"I see." Tumango-tango siya.
Mom and Ate Blythe are lounging in the garden at the back of the mansion, maybe making plans to go shopping or talking about the latest fashion trends. My mother being a former model, she relates a lot to Ate's style. Si Dad baka nirereview na ang mga dokumento at proposals na natambak sa kanya.
Masaya ako na sa wakas ay napag-isa na kaming dalawa. Hindi siya tinigilan ni Ate Blythe at Mom kanina habang kumakain. Kung ano-ano ang mga tinatanong sa kanya.
My eyes widened when Ate blatantly asked Sam if she was on drugs, Sam said no. I glared at her and she just gave me a shrug before saying that she just had to be sure. She said she didn't want a user in the family because she is raising her kids already.
I wanted to strangle the woman.
"Pasensya ka na sa tanong ni Ate Blythe sa'yo kanina, hindi ko rin inaasahan na biglaan niya na lang itatanong 'yon sa'yo," I said as I watched her continuously scan my room. "Masanay ka na sa kanya. Gano'n gano'n lang umakto pero kahit mahirap isipin, mabait din naman 'yon kahit papa'no."
She was standing upright with her clutch under her armpit.
"Okay lang. Sabi ni Ate Blythe, para daw fair kasi tinanong din daw siya ni Tita Cassi ng gano'n dati." She smiled at me. She hobbled toward the table bolted against the wall. Tinignan niya ang mga picture frames na naroon.
The first was a family picture. 'Yung pangalawa naman ay kaming magkakapatid, at yung pangatlo ay graduation picture ko. She took it in one hand and stared at it intently.
"I'm so proud of you, Zade. Hindi ko nasabi sa'yo 'yan no'ng nag-graduate ka kaya ngayon na lang." The sadness was there and it was hard to ignore. "I'm immensely proud of the person that you have become."
Nilapitan ko siya at niyakap sa likod. "I'm proud of you, too."
Yumuko siya. "Bakit naman? What's there to be proud of? Hindi nga ako nakapagtapos," she mentioned in an almost muted tone. "I'm a nobody."
"Proud ako sa'yo kasi matapang ka. Your mom turned her back on you, you got hit by a car, you lost your ability to walk. Pero kinaya mo," masuyo kong anas, hinalikan ko ang balikat niya at binaba niya naman ang frame.
"I have something to show you. Come on." Nginitian ko siya at nakita ko ang paglitaw ng pagtataka sa mga mata niya.
"You're going to like this, I promise," I said before walking toward the other side of the room where a mahogany door is located. Binuksan ko ito at sumunod siya sa akin sa likod. Her eyes became rounded when she saw the inside.
"Zade..." She muttered as she eyed different shelves filled with books of all sorts and sizes. The walls were lined with huge floor-to-ceiling bookshelves.
Inikot niya ang mga mata niya at napangiti.
"You told me once that you'd build me a library."
Nilapitan ko siya habang nakasuksok ang dalawang kamay ko sa magkabilang bulsa.
"This is our library," sagot ko habang nakatingin sa masaya niyang mukha.
I'd give anything just to make her happy.
"Kailan mo ito sinimulan?" Pinaglandas niya ang kamay sa mga libro.
"Three years ago," I responded.
Tumigil siya at bigla na lang may hinugot na libro. I recognized the cover. It was Gaston Leroux's The Phantom of the Opera.
"Tragic.," komento ko.
"I kind of pity Erik, you know? He really did love Christine even if it was a sick and twisted kind of love." Ibinalik niya ito sa pinagkukunan bago kumuha ng panibagong libro. This time, it was Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights.
"Heathcliff," she said as she flipped it open.
"Too many deaths," saad ko. "You want to see my favorite book?" untag ko sa kanya.
"Ang dami nitong mga librong ito, what could possibly be your favorite?" She queried as her eyes lit up in contemplation and interest.
"Guess, babe." I smiled. She thought for a while before she answered.
"The Divine Comedy?"
I smirked. "Good one, but no."
"The Catcher in the Rye?"
"Still a no."
"Iliad, Odyssey, Aeneid?" sunod-sunod na tanong niya. I shook my head once more.
"The Count of Monte Cristo?"
"No, babe."
"I give up. Sabihin mo na lang sa akin." She replied with a resigned sigh. I chuckled before leading her to the other side of the room. Mayroong isang mesa doon, isang upuan at isang lampshade. I opened the drawer under the reading table and took out a small book covered with a plain black cover.
Ibinigay ko ito sa kanya. Nagkunot ang noo niya habang nakatingin dito.
"Ang nipis naman nito. What could this book be?" She questioned.
"Open it, then." I commanded and she did exactly what I told her to do. She flipped the cover and a look of surprise crossed her eyes.
"Zade, you... you..." She stammered, her eyes grew hot with tears and I immediately went in front of her and wiped the hot liquid running down her cheeks.
"Once upon a time there were two kinds of love: one that can turn the world to ashes while the other can keep the ocean calm." I started reciting and more tears appeared on her eyes as she heard the words tumble out of my mouth.
"And there were two lovers in a faraway land, where the birds were talking and the glitters were sand. So they wondered what kind of love their love was; was it destructive like fire or peaceful as the sea? But their relationship was always sailing smoothly and so they decided that their love was just like the waters that seemed to be in glee..."
Sam hugged me before I could even finish the poem she made for me. I hugged her back and closed my eyes as the last lines escaped my lips.
"But my love, our love is not that kind of love. Ours is the kind of love that I can trust, the kind that will truly last, the kind that is not just about blazing passion... or lust. This love is not the kind of love that can turn the world into ashes, because our love is the kind of love that can turn the whole cosmos into dust. I want to say this to you. I just need to, I want to, I must."
"You compiled the poems I gave you on your birthday," sabi niyang naluluha na.
"Yes. I had it all printed out and bookbinded. I read it to myself whenever I feel sad."
Sam is an amazing poet. She makes outstanding poems. Noong 19th birthday ko ay nagulat ako nang naabutan niya ako ng isang makapal na brown envelope.
"Zade, happy birthday! Sorry 'yan lang ang kaya kong iregalo sa'yo ha? Pangako kapag nagtatrabaho na ako bibilhan kita ng t-shirt tsaka mga relo ganun! Pero hindi rolex, ah. Baka 'yung Casio kaya kong maibigay. Pag-iipunan ko 'yun."
"Wala sa 'kin 'yun, Sam, ang importante Casio-ma kita."
"Yuck!"
"Akala ko itinapon mo na 'yan nang nagalit ka sa akin." Sam's voice hoisted me back to the present. Umiling ako.
"No way. I would never do that. Pinaghirapan mo kaya ito para sa birthday ko tapos itatapon ko lang? Not a chance."
"Salamat dahil pinahalagahan mo ang mga tulang ginawa ko para sa'yo noon."
I smiled at her and caressed her cheek. "I have the whole book memorized." Saad ko.
"Ha? E, more than twenty poems yan," she told me.
"Ikaw ba naman ang bumasa niyan ng paulit-ulit gabi-gabi for one whole year ay hindi mo pa makabisado?" balik tanong ko.
"You read this every night?" she repeated using a small voice.
"Every damn night." I assured her. Ibinaba niya ang libro at tinignan ako sa mata.
"Mahal kita," she blurted out and I felt the Earth spinning more rapidly.
"Mahal din kita, Sam."
I cupped her face and kissed her passionately. There is only one Maria Samantha Sta. Teresa Antonio in the world and she's mine as much as I am hers.
"Well, isn't this awkward?" tanong ng isang maarteng boses sa likuran namin. Bumitiw agad sa akin si Sam at nahihiyang tumingin sa likod ko. My face was passive when I turned around to glower at the face of my younger sister.
"How many times shall I tell you not to barge in my room, Daze?"
Nameywang siya. "Wow, hot-headed. No need to go Alexander Callix Monteverde on me. Kakasama mo kay Kuya, ayan, nahahawa ka na sa kasungitan niya."
I rolled my eyes. "Why are you here? Akala ko ba kayo ni Ian ang magbabantay sa kambal?" I couldn't hide the small bit of annoyance in my voice.
Kahit kailan talaga bad timing si Daze.
"Ian is with the twins downstairs." Inalis niya sa akin ang tingin at kinindatan si Sam. "Hello! Fancy seeing you again!" She beamed at her and Sam gave her a small smile. I can see that Daze makes her uncomfortable. Considering my sister's bratty attitude toward her back then, I wasn't a bit surprised.
"Hi, Daze. Lalo kang gumanda," she said. Daze's eyes twinkled at the compliment.
"Thanks, ikaw rin. I heard that you guys are getting married. Masaya ako para sa inyo. I came here to personally greet the two of you congratulations. Actually, kay Kuya Zade, congratulations dahil masuwerte siya sa'yo, tapos for you Sam, well..." she shrugged. "Good luck na lang."
"Shut up, D."
Matagal siyang tinitigan ni Sam.
"Uhm, do I have something on my face?" My sister asked while Sam shook her head.
"No, no. Nagulat lang ako na nagtatagalog ka," Sam said. Daze giggled and shrugged.
"People change," she replied and I raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, please. Just leave already!"
"Fine! Napakasungit, akala mo babaeng may period." She flipped her hair before walking outside, leaving the two of us again in our peaceful solitude. I followed her and locked the door. Nilapitan ako ni Sam at tinapik-tapik sa pisngi.
"Zade, ang tanda mo na para mapikon kapag inaasar ka ni Daze."
"She's still annoying."
"Pikon ka kamo." Tinawanan niya lang ako. Pinangko ko siya at iniupo sa swivel chair na katabi ng mesa, kinuha ko ang libro ng compilation ng mga tulang ginawa niya para sa akin. I read it to her and she listened with a smile.
Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal kaming nasa loob ng library. Binasahan ko rin siya ng mga tula ni E.E Cummings at Emily Dickinson. She listened attentively while I stared at her beautiful face as the words tumbled out of my lips one by one.
This is the kind of thing I want to do years from now.
I can imagine the two of us with wrinkled skin and white hair, sitting beside each other on a stone bench in our garden. I can imagine her smiling at me, crinkles appearing under her old eyes while I wear eyeglasses as I read her favorite timeless poems. I can imagine myself with aching limbs and back pain and maybe with a cane, I can imagine her gnarled fingers grasping mine. But despite the old age, we would beam at each other as if we were still 18 and think about how wonderful life had been for us.
"At 75, I would tell you that literature is beautiful and we'd reminisce about this day."
Nakita ko sa malaking bintana na naglitawan na ang mga bituin. They were twinkling as if giving us winks.
"You think we'd reach that age?" tanong ko habang yakap ko siya. Tiningala niya ako.
"Oo naman," she said with so much conviction that I believed her. "Even when we're no longer alive, I have faith that our love will still be with us."
"I admire your faith."
"My faith admires you."
Nakarinig ako ng sunod sunod na katok bago ang boses ni Daze. "Kuya! Dinner is ready. Mom expects you and Sam to be downstairs in a minute!" she shouted.
Inakay ko na si Sam at bumaba na kami. I stopped dead on my tracks when I saw that the whole family is complete. When I say complete, I literally mean it.
"How in the world?"
My elder sister and Kuya's twin -- Ate Alexiana -- stood up from her seat and kissed Sam on the cheeks while she sheepishly greeted her back. Vane, her husband, gave me a teasing smirk and a cocky nod.
"Congratulations, man! Mama phoned us hours ago and told us to come over for dinner. Pinadala ni Papa ang jet para sunduin kami. Nice to see you, Zady boy!" he shouted.
Mom clapped and we sat in our respectable chairs.
"I'm happy to see all my children and grandchildren complete." She looked at each and everyone of us and acted as if she would tear up.
"Ma, ang ganda ng pagkakamake-up ko sa'yo, 'wag ka nga," paalala ni Ate Blythe na ngayon ay katabi na si Kuya. Next to her, the twins sat on tall baby chairs. Keene played with his drool while Kaden wagged his toy car in front of his face. After a few seconds, he threw it sideways and it almost hit Ate if she hadn't caught the toy before it landed on her cheek.
"Oh, violent tendencies," she cooed. "Kay Alexander nagmana for sure."
"Alexander has a what?" Dad's eyes widened.
"Dad!" Kuya sighed, frustrated. "She was kidding." Mula sa gilid ay nakita kong tumatawang nakamasid si Vane na kalong ang panganay na si Versace. I didn't know why they named her like that when there are a lot of normal names to choose from. Ang sumunod na anak niyang si Chanel ay naka baby chair din sa gilid ni Ate Alexiana.
"Look at Chanel singing!" Daze pointed to our beautiful niece who was struggling to produce the lyrics of a viral song called baby shark.
"Good job, piccolina."
"What did Ian call my kid?" asked Vane.
"Piccolo yata, 'yung maliit na paputok tuwing New Year," sabat ni Ate Blythe.
"Ian, bakit naman gano'n ang tawag mo kay Chanel?" Ate creased her eyebrows.
"Pic..lo," Versace imitated.
"It's not safe, jolie." Kuya Alexander nodded in Versace's direction as he called our eldest niece a pretty girl in french.
"De acuerdo!" she replied in Spanish. Napahawak ako sa uli ko. Kapag lumaki na ang mga anak namin ay hindi ko alam kung paano sila mag-uusap usap. They will grow up hearing different kinds of languages spoken in the household at wala pa man ay parang nahihirapan na akong isipin.
Ian is half-Italian and will surely teach his kids the language.
Vane, a mixture of British-Filipino-Spanish, is fluent in Spanish as well.
Ate Xiana and Kuya Xander both speak french because they were raised by my mother in Paris, and even though we have been living in the Philippines in Manila, they did not lose the language, or even the accent.
"I'm sorry in advance. Maingay ang pamilya ko kapag kumpleto kami," bulong ko kay Sam na ginantihan ako ng magiliw na ngiti.
"I don't mind. I never had a big family kaya masaya ako ngayon."
"We will make ours, too."
Without giving it much thought, I held her hand and spoke. "Let's be senile together."
Kuya Vane grinned, but stayed silent.
"Nice one, Zade! Magamit nga 'yan kay Aldeng mamaya!" said Ate Blythe.
"Nirephrase mo lang naman ang I want to grow old with you!" Daze added.
Sinimangutan ko sila.
I caught Kuya Xander and Ian glance at each other. Kuya raised his wine glass above him and spoke. "Cheers to having lots of patience."
Ian grinned and raised his glass. "Cheers!"