The Plague, crossing me, and other things to avoid
Okay, so this isn’t REALLY about the plague, me, or any other common thing to avoid. I’m pretty sure that nobody reading this needs to be told that sniffing my shoes is a bad idea. This is, in fact, a little article for Wattpad writers – telling them what they should avoid as they write.
There are plenty of other such articles ‘out there’ – but your telling me that means that you think I care. Or that I’m boring you – but you’re the one who read it, which is my counterargument, so let’s not go there. Let’s just get to the list, shall we?
1. Avoid the use of proper grammar
Why so, iswearidontbite?
Because, young grasshopper, proper use of grammar implies that you know how to write half decently.
But-
And you don’t want people thinking that about you.
I see.
Good, now make me some breakfast.
So, when I say ‘avoid the use of proper grammar’, what do I mean? The six basics are:
a. Don’t capitalize – doing so makes you look stupid. stupid writers don’t get votes.
b. Apostrophes are your best friend – put them wherever you like do’nt be put off by other writer’s who use them properly. Its alway’s fun to read storie’s that have apostrophe’s dotted all over the page. And fun = vote’s.
c. Full stops and commas, and sometimes spaces between words are unnecessary. My bestfriend came to me and said she liked my cat dog and turtle I said thank’s.
d. Dialogues should be in one paragraph – spacing is for idiots. It makes it so much more fun to read when the reader has to figure out what’s going on; who’s saying what. Fun = vote’s, remember!
“Oh my God you will not believe what I saw!” We were at the hilltop and the wind was blowing the hair in my face. “What did you see?” My best friend Lisa was with me. “Wait, let me guess!” “Okay, go ahead and try.”
e. Exclamation marks are your other best friend. Put them everywhere! It makes you characters seem…lively and readers love lively characters! If the readers like the characters, they vote!
f. ‘Your’ and ‘you’re’, ‘their’, ’they’re’, and ‘there’, ‘my’ and ‘mine’ and all other homophones can be used interchangeably – so do it! Your the author of you’re story so forget what others think – their dumb beings of lower intelligence. They will appreciate how you do what you want, and so look up to you, and vote
2. Don’t spell every word correctly
Do explain the logic behind this please?
Grasshopper, grasshopper. Spelling every word correctly makes it look like you are acquainted with a dictionary or spell check software.
I don’t get it.
Being associated with such things in this day and age is a crime! It makes the author look like a know-it-all, and nobody votes for stories by a know-it-all.
I understand.
Yes. But you forgot the orange juice.
Spelling every word correctly is bad for your story. Yu shud spel lyk dis, nd if its texting language its better cuz tht way vry1 noes wt ur saying.
3. Don’t describe everything – just describe what is really important.
I think I understand what you’re saying!
If so, you may leave to fetch my laundry as I explain what I mean to the rest of the grasshoppers across the globe.
This is especially important. But how do you know what’s important and what’s not? Let’s see, things you cannot miss out on are the little things your protagonist does – it MUST be detailed, as far as the color of their coffee mug. Other things you must not fail to describe are the characters’ clothes – no detail must be spared. That means that you have to tell us the color, brand, style number (if any), shade number and size of the clothes.
The unnecessary details include how the character would feel at a key moment, such as when his or her best friend is in an accident. “I was worried.” will suffice. What will not do, however, is something along the lines of “When I heard that John Doe was in an accident, a little shock ran through me. My eyes widened, and my first thought regarded the severity of the accident. Upon inquiry, I learned that it had been critical, and that there was a chance that John might not make it. Those words caused my heart to drop, and a deep, sinking feeling made its way to my stomach. I wanted to throw up….”
4. Make sure that there are no ‘light’ moments of sarcasm or humor in your story.
I got the laundry.
Well done, grasshopper. Now tell me, what do you think about this piece of advice?
I…don’t get it. Why wouldn’t you want humor?
Tsk, tsk grasshopper. You disappoint – do you not realize that readers want to read some serious writing? Such moments would only put them off.
It makes sense – your character’s best friend is dying, her parents left her and her brother is missing. Readers don’t want any person to help make things better – they want to savor your character’s misery like they would chocolate pie. Hearing about your character’s misery is what gives them the psyche to read on. Come on, who didn’t like the seventy two descriptions of the pain Bella felt in New Moon?
5. Don’t leave your story revolving around the main characters only.
Eh?
Oh grasshopper, what shall we do with you?
It doesn’t make sense – wouldn’t you want to keep the story to the basics?
*smack* YOU DARE QUESTION MY ADVICE?
*sobs* I’m sorry, I’m sorry!
You may make it up to me.
I…I may?
Yes. Give me a foot massage.
What I mean to say is, make sure you introduce a million or so characters. It matters not whether they will help build your plot (think Eric in Twilight. He didn’t do much, but his presence must have helped Twilight sell more) – because your readers will have fun reading the story. They’ll be so engaged in keeping up with the random characters you introduce, and that will mean fun. Fun = votes, remember!
6. Nothing can be average.
Good work, grasshopper.
Am I forgiven?
Yes. Now listen to what I mean by this vague statement….wait, where do you think you’re sitting?
At your feet, of course.
No, no. I need you to massage my shoulders.
Nothing at all can be average. That means that your character must be either extremely wealthy, or extremely poor. He/she must be extremely popular, or hated to the maximum. His/her personality should either be extremely shy, or extremely outgoing. He/she must be extremely beautiful, or extremely ugly. Nothing average is acceptable. Extremities mean excitement which mean votes!
7. No character can be ugly
Master, some characters are ugly.
Yes, but they never last.
What do you mean?
They must undergo metamorphosis to become America’s Next Top Model.
That is true.
Of course it is. Now shut up and go back to doing the dishes.
No character can be ugly period. If he/she starts out ugly, he/she is to change their appearance over the course of the story. You’re not allowed to have average looking people. Just no.
8. Unusual side characters are forbidden.
Side characters, meaning?
Silence. The dishes haven’t been done yet.
If you have to have a cheerleader, she must be blonde, mean and slutty. If you have to have a jock, he must be dimwitted, brawny and air headed. The ‘nerd’ must have glasses, braces, severe acne and greasy hair. There may be no exceptions. Readers don’t like having their thoughts challenged - if you do challenge them, you may end up losing on votes.
9. Research.
Research?
Aye. This is a list of things to avoid, remember?
Oh, yes.
Don’t research. It makes you look like you have no creativity within you. It makes readers feel that they are wasting their time – if they had wanted facts, they would have Googled for them. You shouldn’t be afraid to write what you feel is appropriate – if you feel that HIV/AIDS can be transmitted by a handshake, then it will be transmitted that way!
10. Characters must not have faults.
You are so right!
I know I am. I am one of the characters I am talking about.
They simply cannot have flaws – or they could be flawed, but to the point of perfection. Why must these be the cases? Simple: If readers wanted people they could relate to, they wouldn’t be reading what you have written. They would look at real life.
11. Story lines must not defy the norm.
You mean that one should not write anything different, right? Best friends must always fall in love, werewolves must always be alphas, people who reject the protagonist must always be evil, everyone must have a sad past…
*wipes a tear* Well done grasshopper! You’re learning!
Well, to be honest…I just read your other writing, the one called “Dear Story/Wattpad character.”
You have still learned. Blessed be.