It's been a month and she was still hoping.
Sasha bit her lip as she looked into the mirror of the trailer she was occupying. She was on her second contract, the first having ended promptly two weeks after she arrived in Singapore, and now she was in Indonesia, participating in a modelling gig the goals of which were to promote the protection of the environment. It was all very artsy and it was something that caught Sasha's eye immediately when she got the offer.
That and because at the time, it seemed like a really good idea to get as far away from a certain brunette as possible.
There was no doubt that no matter how much she believed in the cause that this gig was representing, Sasha had not regretted a decision more.
There was no doubt where Sasha would rather be.
But, really, if Shay had expressed that she remotely wanted Sasha around, Sasha would have probably paid off to get out of the contracts. It would have been a ridiculously hefty amount, but she was honestly prepared to do it if Shay had asked her.
But Shay didn't ask.
The now familiar twinge in her chest made itself know, yet again, as it did several times a day. Every time Sasha's thoughts even drifted towards the direction of the girl she'd left at the other side of the world. She shook her head, earning the clicking of the tongue of her hairstylist who just so happened to enter at that moment.
"Don't mess up my blonde curls, S," Felix admonished, as if the hair sat atop his own head and not Sasha's.
Sasha shook her head again. "If they're that easy to dislodge..." She laughed when her arm was slapped.
"I'm shaving off your head if I have to redo that. Don't think I won't."
Sasha believed him. Felix would cut off her fingers so Sasha would stop that nervous habit of running her hands through her hair if given the chance. As long as Sasha didn't mess up her hair. He was professional like that. Or so Sasha tried to convince herself.
"I see you're still pining, though."
The smile on Sasha's lips slipped a bit, but she tried to keep it there. "Pining never hurt anyone."
Felix tilted his head to the side and managed a sympathetic look, as much as he could with his fierce eyebrows that always made him look intimidating. Sasha believed he did it to terrify people. And to look fabulous. "No, but it doesn't do anyone any good, either. And if it's useless to you, honey, you let it go."
The smile slid off her face altogether as she ducked her head, earning her a swift flick to her chin, Felix wanting her to keep her head up because of her hair. Not that Sasha cared much for how she looked when she only wanted to look pretty for one girl. "Sometimes, the waiting is worth it."
"And sometimes, you just get more wrinkles for it."
With those last words of wisdom Felix shot her a warning look to stop moving until her hair was completely set and he was moving briskly out of her trailer.
Sasha didn't really care about her hair.
She forced herself not to obsess over that day again, because she'd spent entirely too much time thinking about it already. But sometimes, there was no way around it.
She still remembered feeling her heart drop when Shay moved away. She'd been hoping for that movie-esque ending and it was supposed to be the part where the couple finally let's go of all inhibitions and finally, finally decides to be together. But Shay's eyes were guarded instead of shining like all the other times they had been together before things went downhill. Sasha had figured out what was going to happen before it did.
But not really.
Sasha thought Shay was going to reject her outright. But Shay had only really asked for time. Sasha couldn't deny her because all Shay had given her was time, time to figure herself out, time to come to terms with being attracted to a girl, time to sink into this new thing that hadn't even made itself known until just recently despite having known each other for years already.
Shay had driven Sasha home that day with a promise to seriously think things through and Sasha had watched Shay's car drive away from her house with cautious hope. Because even though Sasha had expected things to worsen because of the letter she'd written convinced that she wasn't going to be able to see Shay until she got back from her six month trip to Asia, Shay had still given her a window of opportunity, a chance to maybe try out how it would be to be together.
And it's been a month since then.
With practiced ease, Sasha took her phone out and scrolled to far down to the text she'd received before she was about to fly to Singapore.
Have a safe trip.
Her heart had sunk. The message felt like it came from someone who hadn't been close to her, hadn't shared her pain with her, hadn't been there when she needed someone. It felt like it came from that casual friend who only ever saw her occasionally when there was a get together. A friend of a friend. It felt like it could come from someone who would send the message just because it was the polite thing to do. And Sasha would know, because she'd received so many of them that day, a lot of which had more effort in making it seem more heartfelt.
But she'd found herself scrolling to that message more times than she could count because Sasha had interpreted it as Shay not forgetting. And Sasha tried to ignore the fact that there were a lot of people who didn't forget that day and that most of them even did much more than send a four-word text. But it was Shay and it always seemed to matter more when it was her.
Whether or not it meant anything to Sasha, though, looking at the message still sent a twinge of regret through her. Because she was highly aware that if she'd only sorted through her feelings faster, if she'd been more open to things, if she'd cared less about the rest of society and just focused on Shay--with her tendency to cuddle close when she was asleep and her tendency to pout her way through things sometimes--maybe Sasha wouldn't have made Shay get so confused, wait so long that she'd eventually get tired.
With a heavy heart, Sasha slid her phone inside her bag and moves to the door of her trailer, figuring
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're getting really good at pretending you want to be here."
Shay kept her smile from faltering as several cameras flashed while she posed for them. Ashley had her arm looped through Shay's, having just met up with the brunette on the red carpet.
It was the third of the seven informal promotional meet-and-greets the PLL production team had prepared for the final and last instalment of the show and all the girls were there except for Sasha who had those contracts she'd already signed.
Ashley had spoken while smiling, knowing the noise of the crowd would prevent her words from reaching anyone who wasn't as close to her as Shay currently was. They both obliged some of the photographers who wanted to take separate pictures of them before Ashley moved towards Shay again to start walking towards the stage where they would have a panel for a few questions that will be coming from the fans.
"I'm almost convinced you're not still hung up on-"
"Ash."
Ashley shrugged waving at a fan who was jumping up and down. She thought the girl was actually crying a little. Ashley wondered when she started having that kind of effect on people. It was still a little surreal for her. She refocused on her friend who had stopped to sign a few notebooks. "I don't know why you're still..."
Shay tried not to fidget at her best friend trailing off. Nothing good ever resulted from those dramatic pauses, and Ashley was proficient at choosing which thought to use it on and when to execute it. "Why I'm still what?"
Ashley smiled at a few girls who lifted their iPhones to take a picture of the two of them. "Still being a pussy."
Shay's bottom lip dropped so far down she had to turn quickly to hide her expression from all the cameras that were now behind her. "What?!" she hissed.
"We both know you wanted to stop her from leaving."
"She's on contract!"
"Keep smiling, love."
Shay smiled tightly at her as she pulled Ashley away from the crowd and into the backstage where they were going to be held for a few minutes. "Why are you on my case about this now? You've been quiet the whole month!"
Ashley simply shrugged looking bored. She was anything but. She'd left things alone because she did believe her best friend when Shay said she needed time. It had been a rough emotional ride of confusion for Shay and Ashley was aware it was Sasha's fault, albeit not entirely. But if the reason she'd been confused and unsettled was around Shay, it just made the brunette more confused and unsettled. So yes, Ashley did believe Shay needed the time.
But now Ashley thought Shay was just stalling. She'd caught the girl keeping tabs on Sasha with social media, and as biased as she was about her best friend most of the time, doing that for a fortnight was already borderline stalking. Whether or not Shay was ready, doing that just wasn't healthy.
"We're going to be called soon," Ashley said, in lieu of an actual reply. Shay was about to argue, but they were indeed called out now and the noise from the audience had increased four-fold because of the cheers.
That didn't stop Shay from trying. "Ash-"
"Be ready for questions, Shan. You froze the first two times we held this. You can't always just freeze when people talk to you about Sasha. I'm not always going to bail you out. I won't be there on the fourth, remember?"
Shay stiffened at Sasha's name but she still felt that flutter, damn it, and it hadn't gone away. It was still there and it still made her feel a little lightheaded. Ashley was right, however. She hadn't been able to answer any questions about Sasha because she didn't know how to. Ashley had caught her both times in the past, saying Sasha had other projects and they really should be directing said questions to Sasha. And Shay had waived questions about the public kiss with 'no comment' every time it came up.
The reaction to that kiss had been a disaster.
The first few days was the worst. Her twitter mentions imploded on itself, the magazine covers were filled with her face and Sasha's, all the gossip celebrity shows featured the whole thing including their drive from the airport that looked very much like they were gonna be doing it, and interviews were suddenly being requested of her left and right when before she had only ever been invited to photoshoots. She had to stay indoors for two days because she'd tried going out and she couldn't deal with the wild paparazzi.
She almost, almost wanted to go with Sasha wherever the hell she was going because it was just too much and she didn't think it was fair that Sasha was going to be leaving her with all of that. And maybe, maybe she would have. She would have dropped everything and followed Sasha around if they were on better terms, if they hadn't been dancing around their feelings for months, if Sasha hadn't chosen to tell Shay 'I love you' through a letter. But there was still a lot of resentment in Shay's heart and she'd only been able to send that pathetic four-word text that didn't even really mean anything.
But maybe Shay actually sent that message with the intention to hurt, the intention to make Sasha think Shay didn't want anything to do with her, the intention to blur the few barely clear lines they'd drawn at the airport about their feelings for each other. Maybe it had been intentional for Shay to send that message to confuse Sasha. Because she was still mad and resentful and it was all she could do without risking anymore of her heart.
And Shay was aware of how selfish it was to send that message, but she felt like she was entitled to it.
She jerked when someone called her name, shaking her from her Sasha-induced stupor and she started to walk towards the stage, while clearing the fog that was her mind filled with all her thoughts and feelings about a blonde girl who had moved to the other side of the world.
With a still clouded mind, though, she entered the stage, knowing it would be enough to be on autopilot, because that's what she did for the past two panel interviews of them. She was an actress, of course she could fake whatever happiness she wanted to show the fans. The makeup took care of her eyebags and any evidence of her stress. Lovesickness, she thought and in her head she violently show that thought down. This was not the time to be thinking about her confused and guilty feelings.
The interview went on the same way as the others, and Shay was starting to wonder how people dealt with these when the same things are mentioned. She was taking a sip of water when her name was called and she nodded, recapping the bottle as she looked for the fan in the audience who had a question.
"Are you and Sasha together now?"
As always, Shay froze and Ashley would have rolled her eyes as used to seeing it as she was and was quick to answer for Shay, whose smile was frozen in place.
"Sasha's-"
"She isn't here, though."
Ashley's head snapped towards Shay, surprised the brunette answered this time. She slowly leaned back waiting for Shay to continue, knowing she didn't have to cover for her this time.
Shay shrugged keeping her shoulders up for a few seconds before dropping them. "She's away and... and I'm not really a fan of long distance relationships?"
Her tone had shifted to teasing and she ended her statement with a laugh and a few audience members laughed with her. It wasn't one of the more serious questions, so short evasive answers like that could pass for actual answers and the mic was already being handed to another fan who had a question for Ian.
Leaning away from the mic, she suddenly felt her mouth go dry from the question, so she reached for her water bottle again. She hoped that staved off the hungry fans for a bit, and that they laid off of her case for now.
But she was aware she didn't really answer the question, and she knew someone was going to pick up on that and still keep asking her. She sighed, giving herself a few seconds to recover, before leaning towards the mic again to rest her forearms on the table, turning to her left to look at Ian who was gesturing while telling a story about a prank he and Keegan did.
She only had about half an hour more and she could leave and snuggle under her covers.
A/N: So this took really long. Haha! I'm a bit better, less hectic now that our module's psychiatry, but still pretty busy, I would say. Thank you so much to everyone who are still reading my work, it's such an honor. I'll be back with my usual messages to you guys the next time. I'm going back to sleep haha.
I love you all! And I miss writing for all of you! <3