“Hey, gorgeous.” I smile walking towards her hospital bed. Savannah looks at me and tries to force on a smile. She’s weak, and we both know it. This is no good. The doctors say that Van doesn’t have much time left, a day or two. How was I meant to cope with that?
My girl was leaving me and there was nothing that I could do. Literally, nothing. Plus, I couldn’t fall apart right in front of her. No matter how tough I looked, I was breaking down inside and the girl knew it. I could see the pain in her eyes and most probably, she could see my own pain.
“Look what I have.” I picked up the bag and showed all the movies that I bought for her to watch. Savannah had a list of movies, that she wanted to watch and most of them were there. As a sincere smile made its way onto my girlfriends face, I couldn’t help but smile as well. “Glad you like my idea.” I add and sit down beside her bed.
“Come here.” She patted the bed with her hand, moving a little to the side to make space for me. “Could you stay with me tonight, please?” she asks. I wanted to stay. I really did but what were the doctors going to say? I had a free day tomorrow, so I would come to visit her and stay for the day. I smiled at her and nodded my head. I wasn’t going to leave her right now. She needed me and I needed to spend time with her so I’ll have enough memories of her in my thoughts.
I lied down beside her, wrapping my arms around her and turning on the telly, so we could watch the first movie. It was amazing how alive she was during those movies. We were laughing throughout each and every single movie; criticizing how people acted and maybe they were great actors, but we still notice their flaws within those movies.
Right now, it was midnight, and Savannah was slowly falling asleep in my arms, I kissed her forehead and tuned down the television. Her smile was so gentle and sweet, it seemed like she fell asleep, but little did I know that her thoughts didn’t let her.
“Lou,” she whispers suddenly. “Promise me something.” This is interesting. What would she want me to promise her? Maybe there was something I could do to ease her pain?
“Go on, love.” I say quickly because curiousness is killing me from the inside. I’ve always been a curious person and everybody knew it. Everybody, who knew me personally.
“Promise me, that you’ll find someone; someone better than me. Someone who will have the ability to love you the way I did, but stay with you forever. Promise, Lou, promise.” She urged and her request wasn’t what I expected. I was meant to fall for someone when obviously; I’m going to look for my Savannah in every girl that would pass by me. How was I meant to do that?
But she asked me to promise, and that was the consequence. I was meant to find someone, who’ll love me as much as she did; who’ll be with me through the good and the bad – just like she was. How was I meant to do that? I look down at her and her hazel eyes were staring into mine and there was nothing else I could do.
“I promise, Van. But no matter how great the person would be, you’ll always be the one, you know?” I ask. The blonde sits up and glares at me. The sadness in her eyes was killing me within seconds and the thought of her leaving was so hard to accept. I couldn’t bear in mind, that one day she’ll be gone. She was going to leave me all alone, with the pain in my heart. But it wasn’t her choice. It felt like she was forced to leave me; she was forced to leave me and make me insusceptible towards the pain of loss.
“You can’t say that, Lou. Don’t say that.” She snaps, dragging me out of my sorrow and bitterness. How could she say that? I wasn’t controlling my feelings. Savannah was the one who would always be on my mind, no matter who I would be with. “You’re making me feel bad for dying.” She carries on and her words stab me like a knife. What?!
“Why are you saying such things? It’s not your fault that you’re sick.” I tell her, moving closer towards her, but the girl just moves back lowering her head. “Are you going to push me away?”
She looks back at me, with tears in her eyes. “It’ll be better if you leave, Lou. Just in case.” She whispers and I can’t believe what I just heard. Is she mad? Is there something wrong with her mind right now?
“Why? Are you pushing me away, so that I won’t suffer when you die?!” I snap at her, standing up. “Let’s face it, Sav, you’re dying. There’s nothing that I can do about it, and if I had the chance to turn back time, I would make sure to do everything to make you healthy. But right now, you’re making me suffer even more by just pushing me away!” I raise my voice a little. I know that this is way too much but, there’s nothing that I can do to convince her, that I want to stay with her. That I want to be next to her; hold her hand and comfort her; kiss her on the forehead when she needs it. Why is she pushing me away right now? Is it because I told her, that she’s the one that I love?
The tears start to stream down her face and I feel so disgusted with myself, that I can’t even look at her. I leave the room and lean against the wall, just to calm myself. Within seconds I’m sitting down on the floor, hiding my face in my palms, trying not to break down. It was terrible. The things that I have told her, they were terrible and the worst part of it was, to see the pain in her eyes. To see all the pain that I have caused with my words, that cut her heart into millions pieces. The heart that was mine, but was so weak…
Weak.
I’ve got to get myself together. Savannah is disappearing in my own eyes, and I am not making this easy for the both of us. I breathe in deeply, stand up and walk into her room, just to find her sitting on the bed and crying her eyes out. What did I do?! I slap myself mentally as I’m rushing towards her. Wrapping my arms around her petite body, I feel how she’s shaking from all the pain. I placed a little kiss on top of her head as I apologised silently for all the words that I said; for all the pain that I caused just because I felt hurt by her pushing me away right at this moment. Savannah looked me in the eyes and sniffled lightly. I was a terrible person, for causing so much pain to someone who I loved the most.
“I’m so sorry, Lou. I’m being so selfish.” She says after a bit, confusing me. How was she selfish? Did I miss something out? I shake my head in disagreement, Savannah wasn’t selfish at all, I was the one shouting. “I didn’t want to suffer even more. Seeing the pain in your eyes just kills me, Lou.” She sobs and that’s when it all rushes towards me. She doesn’t want to see me before she… before… Or doesn’t she want me to see when she… she… Maybe she doesn’t? “I keep thinking about myself, when you’re the one who I’m going to leave. You’re the one who will cope with all of this after I-”
“Don’t say such things, love.” I cut her off. “I’ll be fine but just under one condition.” I tell looking into her irises. The girl nods her head and smiles lightly. “I can stay here, for tonight and tomorrow we’ll carry on with the movies.” I add and the smile that she gives me is the sweetest thing that I’ve ever seen. We lie down on her hospital bed as we start to watch the movies once more.
“I love you.” I confess after a while. She just needed to know how I feel about her and there would be no better time than now. Savannah pulls away from the hug that we were lying down in, and looks at me. I don’t see confusion or shock, happiness is written all over her face and that puts me at ease.
“Lou,” she starts calmly. “I love you too.” She smiles rapidly pecking my lips. That unexpected kiss makes me smile. The girl lies down beside me once more and cuddles into my chest. I feel her body loosening up and soon enough, Savannah is sleeping on my chest. Holding onto my shirt for dear life, making me smile even more. Well, until I remember the most important. She loves me. She does! The thought of her loving me back meant so much to me and before I just could imagine how it would feel to hear her say such an amazing thing.
Before I imagined the scene differently. I thought we were going to be sat somewhere else, than a hospital bed, but what could I do? Savannah was dying. She was leaving me. And maybe knowing that she left the world with a person who loved her as much, was better, than letting her die alone. Her family turned away when they found about her sickness. They knew that nothing had the ability to help her and I hated their guts, for turning away from such a lovely girl.
I hear a loud and long silence behind me. It took me quite a while to understand what happened. Her heart stopped beating. I freeze in my spot, feeling my body temperature rising as shiver crosses my body from head to toes, over and over again, causing my heart to beat faster and faster within seconds. So this is how it feels to loose the most important person in the world… Well, I have to admit, I don’t like it at all.
After that, everything seems to pass by in fast forward. Doctors budge in through the doors, telling me to get off the bed, to stand somewhere behind them, but I can’t move. I can’t let go of her small body. I need her in my arms to function properly. The doctors push me off the bed and do some weird check-ups with the machines. I don’t understand a word they tell me. Staring into the space in front of me, thinking about nothing and everything all at once is all that I can do right now. I know, I’m not functioning like a person at the moment, more like a robot, but this is so uncommon to me. Not everyday someone dies in my arms.
Savannah died. She died in my arms and that was the worst.
I leave the room without a word, walking towards the front entrance all my muscles start to tense up and my eyes burn. As the fresh air hits my face, suddenly everything seems to have calmed down. All my thoughts are clear and there’s nothing going through my mind. I catch a taxi and navigate the driver towards mine and Harry’s flat. He’s not home, I remember him mentioning something about his mum before, but that’s not on my mind right now.
I open the door, lock them after myself and sit down calmly on the couch. I stare onto the turned off telly, not blinking even once. I hear her. She is repeating my name. Echoing inside of my head, travelling through all my empty thoughts. I feel her so close, the warmth of her hands surrounding my face, her heart beating so loudly, just like a flash in the dark waiting for rescue. Is this a dream? I don’t think so, but if it is so, then I’ll make sure that it’ll last, just so I can keep her close to me once more.
My eyes start to burn and I have to close them, before I lose my sight. I feel cold droplets rolling down my face and just then I notice, that I have been crying.
Savannah’s gone. She left me for good. And no matter how hard I tried to stop and think of her, my mind was coming back to the thought of loosing her when suddenly, all of my thoughts disappear. Once more, I die inside with just our memories together. That’s all that I have. Memories of her hugs, her smiles, her big hazel eyes, her kisses… I shut my eyes tightly once more. I didn’t even kiss her goodbye. I told her I loved her, but the peck she stole from me was everything I had. No pictures, no videos, just that one last peck left on my lips. So lonely, longing for another sweet touch of her soft lips.
I slither off the couch just to bury my face in my palms, hoping that all the pain will disappear. But I don’t want it to go. I want it to stay with me, so I have someone to share my loss, bitterness and sorrow. Pain will be the only one, who would understand. This is why I don’t want it to leave me alone.
Minutes, hours, days pass and nothing helps me. The pain is still the same and when everyone thinks I’ll finally get better, I hear Savannah’s laugh in my head and all of it comes back at once. Swiping me off my feet with the sudden and deep pain. I forget how to breathe and drown once more in the worse memory, her death.
A month has passed, my head is still spinning around the bitterness of her loss but there’s nothing I can do about it. Every time I close my eyes, her face appears in front of mine and her laughter fills my ears within seconds. There was a time, where I thought it was some kind of joke. That Savannah will jump out at me and laugh loudly saying that it was just a prank. And maybe I’d be angry with her, but at least I’ll have the possibility to hold her once more and tell her that I love her. But then I remember… She’s not coming back to me, she’s not coming back at all. I have to get up and move forward. That’s what she’d probably want me to do and when one day Danielle comes over to Liam’s flat with her friend I feel something once more.
Dark brown eyes are staring at my person. The same hazel eyes, permeating through all my barriers, that have been built since her death, trying to find the source of my pain; trying to heal it with just one touch, one smile. The same smile that Savannah had. And suddenly I feel that a deep breath is not what I need right now. I stand up rapidly, storming outside of the flat, onto the balcony gasping for air to survive another painful attack. It helped a little, but not too much.
I hear footsteps behind me. There’s no sense of looking back, Liam’s going to talk to me anyhow. While I wait for his starting sentence, my eyes shut lightly enjoying the light cold wind, rubbing my face and instead of Liam’s voice I feel a small hand, holding onto my shoulder gently. “Louis.” I hear a soft voice. A voice, that I cannot recognise. Is it that brunette who came along with Danielle?
I open my eyes, just to look at a girl, who is gently blushing, hugging herself because of the cold breeze that is surrounding us. She’s pretty, I admit, but Savannah was the only girl that I could’ve fell for. I promised myself that she would be my first love. I promised… I promised her, that I’ll find someone who’ll love me as much as she did. But, was that possible? Could someone love me as much as she did?
“I’m Eleanor.” She whispers, dragging me out of my thoughts. I take off my jumper and put it around the brunette. I fake a smile and shake her cold hand.
I promised Savannah that I’ll find a girl, who could love me. And maybe I should be drowning in grief after my loss but somehow, I start to like Eleanor. She’s a nice girl and at some point I think that I could love her. Maybe not as much as I loved Savannah, but closely. And as we became close friends, we talk more and more, I laugh more often when I’m with her and maybe, just maybe, she's all that I need. Maybe she is the one to get me out of this hole that I've been in. Maybe she is the one that could actually change my mind and bring the old 'me' back. But, I can't just forget about Savannah, she was too important to me, I can't leave her behind like that. I know that I need to move on, but a part of Savannah will be with me forever and nothing will change that.
And I know, that the last kiss, which she left on my lips will be with me till the end. It may sound crazy, but if that kiss stays with me, so will Savannah. She’ll stay with me as a memory, as a great memory and a feeling, which is more than what I need to carry on. No matter how much I’ll fall for a different girl, Savannah will be my first love and nothing has the ability to change that. Nothing.