CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
I know I will never be fine . . .
"I'M sorry, but it has already spread into his lungs."
I was just sitting here in the hallway for almost an hour now, trying to absorb everything that just happened. Kahit pilitin ko ang sarili ko na intindihin at tanggapin ang mga nangyayari, hindi ko magawa.
Bakit kami humantong sa ganito? Maayos naman kami nitong mga nakaraang buwan. Bakit naman biglang nagkaganito?
I just watched hundreds of people pass by in front of me, my eyes dilated in pain and fear.
I was surrounded by white walls, white doors, white flooring and ceiling, and white hospital gowns. Halos puti lahat ng nakapaligid sa 'kin . . . but I felt like everything's dull and dark.
Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa sinabi ng doktor kanina. It gave me no courage to walk or even stand at all.
Covering my mouth with my hands, I sobbed like a kid.
Of all people, why did it have to be him?
"I'm very sorry, but you have to focus on the quality of the remaining days you have."
Who were they to say he's going to die soon?
I placed my hand over my chest, trying to calm myself. But I failed. It felt like my heart is going to explode soon because of heaviness and extreme pain I am feeling right now.
Pakiramdam ko, ang damot-damot ng mundo.
Bakit kailangan pa niyang pahirapan 'yong taong mahal ko?
How could a cancer come back that fast?
How could a cancer destroy a person's life?
How could a cancer hurt so many people?
How could a cancer be so—selfish?
"I should drive you home."
I broke out of my trance when I recognized Dest, standing in front of me.
"You have to rest, little Ger. Helix won't be happy to see you like this," dagdag pa niya. His way of saying littler Ger wasn't lively at all. Alam kong tulad ko, hindi niya rin matanggap ang mga nangyayari. Alam kong mas masakit para sa kanya dahil 'yong kapatid niya mismo ang malapit nang bawian ng buhay.
Sobrang unfair lang. Bakit kailangang humantong sa ganito? Bakit kailangang bilangan ng natitirang araw si Helix?
Pakiramdam tuloy namin, pinaasa lang nila kami.
One year ago, a new diagnosis was offered. Helix has Clear Cell Sarcoma, the second known case on earth. But the surgery seemed to have been successful. That's what the doctor said. They even said that if he passes four healthy CT scans, his cancer will be in remission. And he did pass four healthy CT scans. He was fine. He was healthy. He was . . . happy. Masaya siya na cancer-free na siya. Naaalala ko pa nga 'yong pagkakasabi niya sa 'kin no'ng una naming pagkikita pagkatapos naming mahiwalay.
Sobrang . . . masaya siya. Kasi akala niya, okay na.
How could they take away that only hope he's been holding onto?
How could they be that cruel?
I closed my eyes. Tears just can't stop from falling. I felt so sad. I felt so . . . wronged.
Dest kneeled in front of me and wrapped his arms around me, making me cry even more. Hindi ko alam, pero humagulgol lang talaga ako kay Dest.
Hindi ko mapigilan 'yong sarili ko. Ang bigat-bigat kasi talaga sa pakiramdam.
"Everything's gonna be fine," Dest tried to convince me, but we both knew that he can't even convince himself.
Basang-basa na 'yong suot niya dahil sa walang tigil na pagpatak ng luha ko pero hinayaan niya lang ako.
"He can't die, Dest. He . . . deserves to live. We all do. He can't just die. He should not die . . ." I paused. "I love him, Dest. I love him."
Marahan niyang hinagod ang likod ko. He was trying to make me feel okay, but I knew I will never be.
"I love him too, little Ger," he said, his voice cracking. "And I really don't know what to do anymore."
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T I A N A V I A N N E