How many times have I sat here in front of the computer trying to write this down? How many times have I started writing only to delete everything and walk away? How many times am I going to repeat the same process over and over? Until I can find the right words to say, and I'm guessing that's going to be never.
Hell, I've tried to write this thing time and time again and I still don't know where it's going. I'm just typing as I go. Making up the words as I go. But I mean I guess it doesn't matter since you're never going to see this. I don't know honestly. I don't know if you're ever going to see this, probably not, but when and if you do see it, please don't hate me for the words I'm about to say, well, type.
Honestly, over these past few months of me and you talking, so much has happened. Feelings have come, confessions have been made, tears have definitely been here. There's just so much that has happened between us. I've made mistakes, you've made mistakes; sometimes we hate each other, other times we love one another; we're completely opposite, but exactly the same.
(This one had gone uncompleted.)
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Congratulations, you caught his attention. He's fascinated by you and only you. You make him beyond happy, something I could never do. I could understand why. You're absolutely amazing. He deserves someone like you. Someone to take care of him.
You got someone so many people are after. Make sure you don't screw it all up. You'll regret it a lot. More than words would ever be able to explain.
Now, I'm not going to hate you, that'd just be childish. Just tell me a few things,
How does it feel to be adored by him?
How does it feel to make someone who was so broken fixed?
How does it feel to take someone who meant the entire world to me away?
How does it make you feel? Happy? Ecstatic? Proud? I don't know. I won't ever know. He meant the entire world to me, but he didn't want me. He wanted you. And only you.
The only thing I ask of you is to not hurt him. Please. He's had enough of people telling him that he's not good enough. That he's not what they want. He's tired of hurting people, especially since he doesn't even mean to do it. It kills him when he does so.
How well do you actually know him though? Do you know about the way he constantly teases me because of my stupid obsessions? Or the way his smile can just bright up anyone's day? Or how about the things that he's been through that no one else knows about? What about the way his nose crinkles in disgust? His little quirks that a lot of people have fallen in love with? Just tell me how well you actually know him.
I can't compete with you. I never have been able to do such a thing. You make him happy, I don't. You tell him sweet things that I was too afraid to say. You're not me. You're you. Someone who he loves, unlike me.
So, congratulations, you're adored by him. I hope you're happy. I hope you realize how special you are for getting his attention. And I really hope you know that if you break him, the second I find out, you will regret it so fucking much.
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I don't know what I'm doing or writing here. It's just that today has been awful. I wanted to fix everything. You didn't though. I don't blame you. You hate me now, and it hurts a lot. I didn't think that we would only spend a short time in each other's lives. Only about half a year.
I'm going to be honest here, I'm a bitch. An absolute bitch. There's not more to it. I've lied about almost my entire life to you, but you forgave me for some odd reason to which I will never know. I've hurt you time and time again, yet I'm the one who walked away in the beginning. I walked away from the best thing that's happened to me.
You said it didn't hurt you when I walked away. That's probably what stung the most. It was either that or when you told me that you now have a girlfriend. It killed me. I thought we were better than this. Stronger even, but I was wrong. I always seem to be wrong.
There are so many things and thoughts I'd like to tell you, possibly yell at you even. I'd never do it though. I couldn't say those things. They're just too hurtful. Just because you didn't care about hurting me doesn't mean that I don't care about hurting you.
It may seem like I always wanted to hurt you, but it's the complete opposite. I love you with everything I have. I'd do anything for you, no matter how much you hurt me. I guess that's what being in love is like... Loving someone even if they cause you pain.
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(Just throwing this one in cause I died whenever I read it.)
Dear journal,
I'm scared that I like Nathan.
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What's it like to be in love?
What's it like to love someone despite every single thing they've done to hurt you?
What's it like to be completely infatuated with someone even if lots of people find them to be the most boring thing on planet Earth?
What's it like to fight for someone's attention just because if you don't have it you feel lost?
To answer all of those in the simplest way possible, it hurts, but it's worth it. Every single second you spend on this one person that you're completely in love with is worth it. Even if it doesn't work out in the end. Even if things go wrong. Even if they break your heart time and time again. It will all be worth it.
That's what it's like to be in love with a boy named Nathaniel Jai Stacey.
I feel honored to get my heart broken by this boy. I don't even know why. It's just an honor that I'll never be able to comprehend.
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I've spent this past week staring at the ceiling in the dark thinking about this one boy. This boy who has taken over every thought I have in a very short amount of time. This boy who makes me smile like no one else has. This boy who tells me he has to pee and asks for permission before he goes. This boy with the color changing eyes. This boy who seems to brighten everyone's day by doing stupid little dances. This boy who I've fallen in love with. This boy who I can't have.
(This one is so cute and sad, like what the fuck?)
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Honestly Nathan, I love you. To absolute pieces. I have never felt this way about anyone. You make me smile like no one else has. You make me forget all worries in the world. You just make me happy. I don't even know how. I've been depressed for eight years, and I just seem to forget how to breathe when I talk to you. Whether it be on Skype, Facebook or whatever. You always seem to make me smile uncontrollably. It's literally like a whole zoo erupts in my stomach when you compliment me or just say that you love me. I can't explain it.
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Hello, again. This is like the millionth piece of writing I have written about you. I don't know why it's always you that's on my mind when I sit down to write, you just kind of are. I think it's because you've taken over my mind. Or just the fact that me and you are talking each time I write. Well, besides those times that I've written about being heartbroken about the whole break thingy we had. It was a very depressing time for me, not going to lie.
(This also went uncompleted. Oops.)
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What's the meaning of life?
Nathan is. That's the meaning of life.
(While I was going through my notebook and found this. I was so confused but I put it in here because you're the meaning of life. You're fucking Jesus now.)
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Why do I write about Nathan so often? Maybe because he's an adorable piece of shit that I love to death and that has taken over my mind 3746482929373 hours a day??? There's not even 3746482929373 hours in a day. What the fuck? I'm done now.
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I know I don't invade your thoughts as much as you do mine, but I can't help but wonder what you actually think of me. Like what annoys you when it comes to me and what I do? My clingyness? My stupid obsession with poptarts? How about my laziness? Or how about the way I seem to always have a zit on my chin? How my hair line isn't perfectly straight? The way I'm either really loud or don't speak at all? I have so many flaws that I can't help but wonder how much they actually annoy you. What parts of me make you agitated? Frustrated?
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You make me happy,
but you make others happy too.
You cheer me up,
but you also do that to others.
You tell me you love me,
but it's all the same to others.
For me to think
That I'm special to you,
Is some kind of sick joke on myself.
You light up my world
But I only seem to dim yours.
You make me smile,
But I only seem to make you frown.
I love you,
But the feelings aren't the same.
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You make me happy. You don't make me just smile or laugh or giggle. You make me /happy/. The feeling I haven't felt within the past eight years due to some asshats who never knew how to keep their mouths shut or how to stop bullying others.
It may be for just a short amount of time, but each and every day you tend to make if last a little bit longer than the previous. You somehow shut down the demons inside my head telling me how worthless I am and how I should just end it all.
You make me want to be here despite everything that gets thrown at me. You make it all go away by just laughing or giving a simple smile, and I can't help but fall harder and harder everyday.
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When I met you, you had an exact date set. You had a plan. You thought you had it all figured out. But then I stepped in. I told you that your life had purpose. I told you how different the world would be without that adorable little giggle of yours. I told you that I loved you and that I'd protect you from anything and everything, that I'd fight your battles for you when you were too weak to do it yourself. Some would call it an "act of weakness", I call it "you've fought long enough, let me protect you now". Having people stand up for you does not mean you're weak. You've just fought for too long and you need to patch up your armor and get ready to go back out there. And once you're ready, I will be standing right beside you fighting off the demons with you. I promise.
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I promise to love you.
I promise to stay.
I promise to be with you every day.
I promise to care.
I promise to protect.
I promise to share.
I promise to give you the world.
I promise to give you everything you'll ever need of want
No matter how long it'll take.
But most importantly
I promise to always have you in my heart.
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So many embarrassing pieces all about you. I'm writing this just as I'm finishing it and I hate almost every word I've written about you cause it's so fucking cheesy and just disgusting. What the fuck is wrong with me???
Anyways, these were everything I could find about you and I don't know if there are more out the the world, but if I find them, then I shall tell you them just for fun. So yeah. I'm gonna go now cause I'm a loser and you're probably gonna make fun of everything that I've written.