Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT!
"Why didn't you call me as soon as this happened?!" I growled.
Alice looked at me sheepishly, "I did, but you didn't answer... I called you like 10 times and that's when Athena started to throw her clothes around."
I sighed and groaned. This was so not happening, "Pinch me? This has to be a nightmare." I whispered.
I felt a sharp pain by my elbow and yelped, glaring at my friend and babysitter, "That was rhetorical." I dead panned. She grinned at me.
I knew that I would have to go down there and see this situation. I couldn't tell Athena that wasn't her father, cause it fucking was! Oh my God! How the hell did this happen! I could feel my hands shaking nervously as I exited my room.
Everyone had come from different parts of the house to see this. I stood at the top of the stairs. Hamilton looked like he was going to faint, Tara was so pale I was sure that she was going to faint too. Lyndon and my parents looked baffled and Cindy just looked at Athena like she was crazy. I didn't know how I was going to salvage this conversation. I didn't even want to deal with this. No one was supposed to find out like this, honestly, I didn't even want Axel to find out like this. Hopefully he thought it was just the whim of a child, but when I started my descent down the stairs we made eye contact. I froze in my place and I just knew, he knew... I don't know how he knew, but he knew. I could feel the eyes of the rest of the household landing on me and I thanked my lucky stars that Athena didn't pick up on the tension in the room.
She was happily in his arms, playing with his tie and poking him in the face, it would have been endearing and sweet if the situation had been in a different context. The two really did look like spitting images of each other. I wanted to turn around and run back up stairs. I watched as Lyndon put on a happy face and approached my daughter,
"Ennie, why don't we go play?" He questioned.
I looked at the stubborn child who glared at her uncle and folded her arms stubbornly, she shook her head furiously and clung onto Axel like he was her lifeline and I felt a stirring in my stomach. I had always wanted her to have a father. When I got to the bottom of the stairs Athena turned to me with the happiest look on her face. Her eyes were lit up and she grinned so wide, that happiness was always reserved for me when I had come back from work. I felt a jealousness curl around me.
"Athena," I said with a smile. She started jumping with happiness in Axel's arms and pointed to him,
"Look Mama! He came! This Daddy is better than my old one! This daddy came!" Her excitement was so pure and unadulterated. I didn't want that to go, I couldn't help but smile back at her. I moved toward Axel and put my arms out for her and she jumped into my arms hugging me happily.
She whispered to me, so no one else could hear, "Can we keep this Daddy, please?" She pulled away from me and looked up with the widest and most vulnerable look she had. It hit me hard and I coudln't refuse that look. It reminded me that Athena was still a child, a toddler, she didn't understand the cruelties of this world. She couldn't fathom the harsh realities between Axel and I, but I couldn't let that pollute her relationship with him. I gave her a smile and kissed her forehead.
"We'll talk about it tomorrow, it's bed time baby," I whispered to her.
She looked at me, tears forming in her eyes. It was going to be hell pulling her away from Axel now. She shook her head furiously and refused to meet my eyes. I asked her what was wrong softly and she looked back up at me, sadness so strong. I didn't like how she felt so fiercely. It was how I used to be, it only led to heartache and I didn't want to hurt her just yet. She looked at her hands as I held her to me and whispered to me again, it was so soft that I almost missed it,
"If I sleep then he's not going to be here when I wake up," She looked up at me, tears running down her face, "Will he?"
I didn't know what to say. I could feel everyone looking at us, probably wondering what our silent conversation was about. I pursed my lips and shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know baby."
She pulled away from my and started kicking. I put her on the ground and watched as she ran over to Axel clinging to his leg.
"NO!" She bellowed, her voice echoed around the room and I flinched a little at the sound of it. I sighed and walked over to her, kneeling at Axels feet. I didn't care about him right now, I needed to calm her down before she had a tantrum. Everyone knew the signs and they watched wearily.
"Athena." I said sternly, giving her a hard stare. "You cut this out," she looked at the ground, glaring at it as hard as she could. I knew the blow up was coming soon. Axel seemed stiff and stood where he was without knowing what was going on, I looked at him pleadingly, but he seemed at a loss for words. I turned my attention back to Athena and picked up one of her little hands. I let my eyes soften and I gave her a weak smile,
"I have an idea," I said, she looked at me hopefully, "Why don't we ask him to read you a story for tonight?" I knew I was throwing him under the bus, but I felt slightly vindictive right now. I can't believe he had allowed a child to believe that their father didn't love them. Athena's face brightened and she ran to my arms and hugged me, I kissed her forehead and looked in her eyes,
"Ennie, I don't have the power to make people stay," I whispered so that only she could hear, "But there's no harm in asking."
She looked back at me and I watched as she grabbed Axel's hand. Her's looked so small in his hand and he looked at me lost. I went behind him and pushed him along. Athena started to rattle on about her favorite books and her favorite songs. She spoke so fast that even I had to really listen to understand her. I liked how her childish nature was coming out and she wasn't acting older than she should be. Right now, my daughter looked like a four year old so happy to have her father. Axel gave me a glare,
"You like all those things right Daddy?" Athena said looking up at him.
He looked back down at her with a smile and nodded, "Of course I do!"
The three of us started up the stairs. I turned around and looked at my family, mouthing the words, 'I'll explain later' They watched us wearily and slowly started to drift back to what they were doing. I felt a headache coming on and I wasn't going to be ready for the confrontation after this. When we had gotten to Athena's room, I picked up some matching pajamas for her while she showed Axel the things she loved about her room. Axel was sat on the bed as Athena had piled her favorite toys in his arms, which slowly started to build.
"Ennie," I said softly, "Lets go brush your teeth and get you changed while... he picks a book for you." I couldn't say the words Daddy. They were so foreign and I'm sure that it would have come out as more of a sneer than anything. I resented him a little for not being around, not that it could have been helped. She looked up at me and nodded. We left Axel in the room, I'm sure he needed time to collect his thoughts, I saw Alice standing at Athena's door looking in on Axel. I knew that she didn't trust him, I didn't either to be honest, but this situation had gotten out of hand.
Once dressed and teeth brushed Athena ran into the room and ran to Axel hugging him tightly, "You're still here!" She whispered to him. I watched as Alice walked away, unable to stomach the little thing blooming between father and daughter. I felt the pulling at my heart strings watching as she climbed into bed and him tucking her in. So many nights I had dreamed of something simple and domestic like this happening, watching the father of my child tuck her in and read her a story. My heart clenched in my chest, plummeting into my stomach I realized how much I wanted this for her. How much she was actually missing out on. I wanted her father in her life, but that depended on Axel. I hadn't given him his letter, I wasn't about to refute that he was her father to Athena, because then I'd be lying. I refused to ever lie to my daughter. He read Athena her favorite story at the moment, Alice in Wonderland. I had read it to her so much that she could recite the whole book, word-for-word. There were many times that when I read to her she would close her eyes, listen to my voice and mouth the words as I spoke. She would read aloud with me but right now, she watched Axel intently as he read. She was enthralled that he was here, looked at him like the sun and the moon were in his eyes and that the world was now complete because he was here.
I stood there as he read three chapters of the story and as he went to read the fourth I stepped in, "That's enough for tonight." I said with a smile. Athena turned to me and pouted, "But Mama!" I shook my head and gave her a small smile,
"No buts Thena, it's way past your bedtime." She sighed and nodded, I walked into the room and knelt down on the otherside of her bed. I smiled at her and she smiled back, she sat up and hugged me. "You can sleep in a little tomorrow, it's Saturday, but you have your dance class at 2." She sat up excitedly and then turned to Axel,
"Oh! Can Daddy come to the Dance?!" She rushed. I took a cautious look at Axel and then gave Athena a small smile, "We'll talk about it tomorrow," Athena's eyes were heavy and I could see them droop ever so often, when that happened she'd sit up or try fight against sleep.
"Mama, the song!" She whispered, I sighed and shook my head, "Please Mama?"
Athena often forgot to use her manners, so I couldn't refuse her the one time she remembered to say Please without being asked to. I sung her to her softly, brushing her hair out of her face and tapping her nose once the song was done. I kissed her on the forehead when I was done and I stood up. During our little nighttime routine I had forgotten about the extra person there. I gave him a once over and stood up to leave the room. As I got to the door I heard Athena mumble something to Axel, she had sleepily reached out and grabbed his hand and said,
"Please don't leave me again..."
I looked away from the pair and waited until he came back to the door, I closed Athena's door and rested my head against it. It was time for an argument and I knew it was coming, how did I do this? I grabbed his hand, without looking at him and dragged him to my bedroom. I closed the door behind us and looked at him, he was pacing, running a hand through his hair and glaring at the ground.
"So it is true then!?" He growled. I stood there and nodded silently, I could feel his eyes burning into me, but I couldn't look at him. I felt ashamed, I don't know how to explain it but I did. Seing the way he was with her today made me second guess all my assumptions about him. Seeing him this way, made me think I should have tried harder.
The sound of flesh hitting something solid made me jump. I looked at Axel who had punched a wall. I frowned and shook my head at him.
"Hey! You can be pissed off but don't you dare take it out on the house!"
He spun around and looked at me a dangerous flickering in his eyes, "Did you ever think that I may not want to be a FUCKING father!?" He seethed, the words rolling off his tongue had confirmed my greatest fears. "Did you ever think to tell me before I showed up here to pick you up for this stupid charity?!" He started pacing and then in less than a few seconds he was back in my face, "Did you ever think that I would have wanted to be in her life before now!?"
His voice was so loud, I was glad that most of the rooms were sound-proof. We had baby moniters in every room connected to Athena's just because of that. I glared and my sense of righteousness flared. How dare he say these things?!
"Maybe you should have fucking thought about that when you went spouting all that BULLSHIT to Athena at the park!? And how dare you insult my judgement in not telling you!" I pushed him back and away from me. He was momentarily stunned and almost fell before he got his footing. "You come waltzing back into my life, into my office and declare you are going to destroy my life! You are going to get revenge for your petty little sister, who couldn't seem to stay in one fucking bed! Don't you dare!" I screamed at him. I started to advance on him and poking him in the chest, "What did you think I was going to do when you came into my office, 'Oh! Thanks for coming to get revenge on me. You have a four year old daughter! Here take her, that's how you can destroy my life.' I don't fucking think so!" I turned my back on him and took a deep breath trying to calm down, but my blood pumped in my veins faster and it felt like there was a roaring sound in my head, I shook it trying to free myself from the thoughts and anger, but it wasn't working. I looked up at the ceiling and blinked a few time,s tears were welling in my eyes and I didn't want to show him this weakness.
"Then you turn around and show up to my apartment, where my daughter is there throwing up miserably and seduce me into your bed!" I spin around and think about those words he had flung at me. "You told me. 'I didn't use protection. I don't want a bastard child to you so I'd get that fixed up.' So of course your solution is to come to you and tell you about the bastard child you don't want?" I couldn't look at him, I turned around and let out a loud scream. I turned to hit the wall, even though I had just told him not to do it, I couldn't stop myself. I hit it again and again until he stopped me, he wrapped his arms around me and I fought. I tried to kick and flail but there was no progress in getting out of his arms. He spun me around and I started to throw my fists at his chest.
"Get off me! Let me go!" I screamed hitting him again and again, but he didn't make a sound. My heart felt so overworked. The stress from everything that was happening had finally reached its peak and I couldn't contain it all. I was finally breaking down. From the day I had found out I was pregnant up until now. Everything was breaking free and with the one person who wanted to use it against me. I Started to kick and scream again trying to get free from him but he didn't move, he held onto me tightly, as if he never wanted to let go. "Stop it!" I cried uselessly. I don't know how long he stood there taking my hits and listening to me cry and scream but I finally gave up. I couldn't fight anymore. I had exhausted myself. I found myself clutching onto Axel, as if he were the last lifeline I had left.
I had just given him my weakness, my everything was left on the table.
He carried me to the bed and he sat down with me, he brushed my hair back and cooed to me lightly. I tried to push him away and fight, but he refused to let me go. I didn't want his comfort, I didn't want has care and at the same time, I did. Every conflicting emotion inside of me were waging war and I didn't know which side to cheer for. I didn't talk to him, I felt like I had finally broken, somewhat. I had been playing the role of mother and father for so long that in the short moments that Axel had played a role, because lets be honest, that is all it is to him. He's not going to stick around and play with her, stay up late when she's sick. He's not going to put up with the tantrums and the bad things that go with being a parent. I have handed him, on a platter, my weakness and he can use it against me. If and when he breaks Athena's little heart, I will be shattered, left to pick her up by myself and play the role of mother and father once again. Tonight, I guess, I'll enjoy the small solace he has given me, tomorrow, is when we fight a new war.
Tomorrow.
AN: Seriously, this isn't how I planned for anyone to find out... But Athena is so... She never follows the plan!