III
Breakthrough
The instant Iana’s father came home he pulled out a miller light and headed into the living room to watch a baseball game. Iana was already there on her dad’s old laptop that he’d given her once he bought a new one.
Her father turned on the TV and chugged half of his beer. He wasn’t a heavy man but he wasn’t a light one either. He had his occasional workout session at the old gym down on 30th street.
Iana looked through the comments about her on the town’s social website. People, (especially Gracie) were posting ugly and mean things about her. It wasn’t a new thing, but it was always worse when it was this specific day. She closed that browser and looked up her name on the search engine.
Iana Straventi
Nothing came up other than the name Ileana as a celebrity. Though there was a flicker of her wanting to be somewhere, somewhere in her she was happy that she was invisible to the internet’s eye.
Iana’s dad jumped out of his seat and yelled at the TV for dropping the ball. Iana used the opening to talk to her dad.
“Hi dad,” she said.
Her father looked up from his covered face with a blank expression. Iana looked down, both pretending that both didn’t hear her say anything.
After her Dad turned his head to look back at the game, Iana went back to her computer. When she stopped talking to her dad, she started a blog. It wasn’t a private blog, though only a few people took interest in it, mostly Goth and Emo people commenting with encouraging her to commit suicide. She had sometimes thought about it, but when she did, something in her immediately shot down the thought. As though she wasn’t meant to die when she wanted to.
Iana started a new post and added todays date, March 20th, 2012.
The loneliest day of my life has officially come. It’s supposed to be the best day of my life, finally being an adult and free. But I don’t feel free, I feel caged, and cursed. I don’t feel like an adult, I feel like a little child learning how to ride her bike for the first time.
She started humming her lullaby again, and eventually was whisper singing it. She had gotten to the last line when she realized the TV was silent and there was no movement from her dad. Turning her head, she realized he was staring at her, moisture in his eyes.
“You sound just like your mother,” he whispered, choking up, “just like her.”
Iana said nothing, she couldn’t speak, too afraid that she was going to say the wrong thing. So instead, she re-sung the lullaby. By the time she was finished tears were streaming down her father’s face. He got up from his recliner and sat beside her on the sofa. Slowly, he pulled her laptop away from her and read the entry she just typed.
Her dad closed her computer after he was done and pulled her into his arms.
“I’m so sorry, Iana,” he said into her hair, “When you were born and Mom died I thought that I could raise you. I thought that we could be on our own. I never imagined that when you started growing up, you would look so much like her.”
“Dad,” she started to say, but he cut her off.
“I shut down, Iana. I thought that if I shut my emotions off that I would be okay. It worked for all those years.” His gripped tightened on her, “but when I heard you singing just now, everything came back.”
Iana slightly pushed her dad away so she could see him, and placed her palm on his cheek.
“Dad, it’s alright. It hurt me too, knowing that I was here and mom isn’t. I wished that it was me that day and not her-“
Her Dad placed a finger over Iana’s lips and silenced her. “Don’t ever think that. Chelsea would die again if it meant you would live. Iana, I love you with all my being and wish that I was there for you all these years. I’m so sorry, my sweet. I’m starting fresh today, no more robot. I’m here for you.”
“Dad,” she said, “you don’t have to apologize. I understand. You’re here now and that’s all that matters.”
Her father smiled, and kissed her on her forehead. She stayed in his embrace for a while, relishing the feel of her dad coming back to planet earth.
“Iana?” her father asked.
“Mhmmm?”
“Happy birthday sweetie.”