A/N: You are impowered. You are in control.
***
Fear is one of the most powerful things in the world, and it is the only thing that you can always count on to stop you. It hinders anything it can and breaks down everything that people are, tainting it to the point where there's nothing you can do about it. And maybe I'm afraid of a lot of things, but fear keeps us in line, and it keeps us alive. I hate to say that I appreciate being afraid, because I really don't, but it's another thing to recognize its importance. And it's important.
If we weren't afraid, we wouldn't run. We wouldn't understand and comprehend danger, and we wouldn't move away from it. And if we weren't scared, we probably wouldn't ever have anything to pride ourselves on. What's the point of your existence if you have nothing to conquer? That should be what your life is. A series of events you needed to overcome and get through, and what are you supposed to congratulate yourself about if you're not getting anywhere?
Therefore, I would like to point out that being fearless is just a hope and a dream that some people have, because the fearless person is only ever afraid to fear. So, yes. I was terrified walking into school, because I didn't know what was going to happen, and the element of surprise isn't something I've ever dealt well with unless I was the one who housed it.
Last night, I had a dream about jumping off a building. It wasn't the way you imagined it, and I could feel myself plummeting, but I wasn't falling. I was just getting closer to the ground with every second that passed, and I never hit the ground. I just kept going. And I'll never understand what it meant to never hit what I was supposed to, but I'm glad I didn't.
And I realized that I'm also scared to hit something too hard to recover from. And that's what Josh felt like. Slamming into something with the force to knock the air from your lungs. And that's what walking into the school felt like.
It was the first day of school again in my mind, and it was a battlefield, and I was walking across it, and no one was on my side. I didn't say a word, and I didn't look at anyone as much as I looked over them, and I wanted to get to my locker. I needed to get to my locker. I didn't want to be in anyone else's line of sight, and I didn't want to give them another reason to think Josh was a whore. Or a slut or a murderer. Or whatever they thought of him. I wouldn't let them.
So instead of thinking about my fear and the way I wanted to sleep forever, but only for small amounts of time, I thought about what he said to me yesterday. And kept repeating it in my mind, because, frankly, I was sick and tired of my head constantly attacking me. There was too many things for me to have to focus on. I was done. I had so many things fighting on the opposing side, and I wanted to line them all up, and tell them they weren't in control of me anymore. I had control. Or maybe I didn't. But I needed it.
My locker was within my vicinity when someone came up behind me, wrapping their strong arms around my thin waist. A smile involuntarily bloomed on my face, and I didn't realize how tense and cold I was until I wasn't anymore. My body felt an automatic sense of release, and it was all because of his.
"Hey," he breathed lightly, smiling against the side of my head. Knowing he was happy sent an automatic pop of satisfaction to my brain, and I leaned into his hold, my teeth digging into my bottom lip.
"Hi."
"I missed you last night," he said, coming to the side of me. His eyes literally glistened in the lights of this stupid school, and I blushed. It was much different going through the things that he said when he wasn't here, but now that he was, I didn't know how to feel. "You didn't text me or anything after you got home."
"My mom took my phone," I sighed. "Probably forgot to tell you that."
"That you did," he said slowly, but still smiling. He seemed to be in a ridiculously happy mood for someone like him, seeing as his emotions were never shown often, and I embraced and cherished it.
"What's got you all happy?" I teased, poking his side. He laughed, grabbing my hand and pulling it between us. I ignored the stares we were receiving and kept walking, not concerned enough to stop.
"You. Duh," he snorted, rolling his eyes. "You are the light in my universe."
"And you're a dork," I answered, shoving at him. "A dork who needs to go get his textbooks, yet you're still standing next to me.
We were at my destination now, and he showed absolutely no signs of caring, and I laughed, looking up at you. "Why don't you just wear a sign that states you don't care about anything until lunch takes place?
"Simple," he thought, shrugging. "That many words wouldn't fit on a sign. And I have no where to put it."
"I can think of a few places," I said.
"You know, I bet you can," he winked, and I ignored the surge of energy pumping through me, because that's not what I meant.
"That came out much differently than I wanted, and I really want you to go get your things."
He rolled his eyes. "Only for you, my little sunshine," he joked, pressing his lips to mine. In front of everyone. On the hallway of our high school. But it didn't matter, because then he was walking away the happiest I've seen in a while, and I wanted to shove my face in my locker to trap my emotions.
~~~
"So, I may or may not have something to ask you. Like, now. Right this very minute," Josh said happily, taking his hand in mine and power-walking with me towards the field next to the bleachers. They kinda just sat there. And I wondered how such an ordinary object played such a huge role in the making of Josh and I.
And I swear to everything that's ever lived, my heart stopped out of pure horror when he dropped to one knee in the damp grass, in his tight little blue jeans, while he fished through his jacket pocket. Before I could muster ip even a handful of syllables in my mouth, to ask what on earth he was doing, he was holding one of those plastic rings that came on top of cupcakes up to me, a hopeful and amused smirk half-smile on his face.
"This is me," he said slowly. "Joshua Dun, asking you, Tyler Joseph," I wanted go laugh at him, but I didn't want him to take my laugher for mockery instead of pure adoration. Because, oh my god, if this wasn't one of the sweetest things to ever happen to me, I didn't know what was. "On a date tomorrow night. At seven. Because seven is my lucky number sometimes."
Purposefully avoiding his question, I raised my eyebrows, taking the ring and slipping it onto my pinky finger. His hands fell in mock defeat, and I pulled him up by his hands, before mine slipped to his forearms. "Only sometimes?"
"It depends," he shrugged, nudging his nose against mine. "But I'll go ahead and tell you that I'm going to walk up to your door and that I'm going to take you on this date even if your mom physically tries to stop me, because you deserve a very nice time, and I wanna give you that."
The feeling you get when you know someone cares about you is always something that could knock you off your feet, and it flared through my chest. "Okay," I smiled down at his chest, and his thumb slipped over my cheekbone, tilting my eyes up to his.
"I don't even know what I see in your eyes anymore. But I could probably search them for the rest of my life, if you'd let me."
"I'm afraid there's nothing to find."
"And I'm afraid you're wrong." He said gruffly, shaking his head. His gaze was intense and warm and lively, and I wanted to look away, but I didn't. "You can't just stand here and act like you don't know what you're doing to me." He chuckled lowly. "I'm not one to let my resolve crumble."
"Maybe it's because I don't."
"Truth be told," he started, "I try and sheild most of my emotions from you because it's humiliating, and I sound creepy."
Laughing, I shook my head. "You're not creepy. And I'll be ready by seven."
~~~
His hands felt cold and steady and perfect on my waist and on my back, and I couldn't believe I was making out with someone in a car, during school. This was very wrong, and we were skipping, but it didn't matter to either of us at the time being. We just hoped no one would wander past, while also not caring, and he laughed up at me, shaking his head.
"You can't go back in there like this," he said, but his hand didn't move from under my shirt. His fingers were electric. One reached up to smooth across my bottom lip, and I tried to control my labored breathing, but it felt like there was a brick on my chest. "I'm pretty sure everyone would know what went on."
"Good thing I really don't wanna go back just yet," I replied, connecting the two of us all over again.
He laughed into my mouth, pushing my body down onto his in a gentle, subtle manner. "Good thing indeed."
~~~
The guidance counselor hadn't spoken to me in what felt like a while, and so I was kind of shocked to hear her call for me over the intercom. You'd think they wouldn't announce it for everyone to hear, but they did, and I reluctantly stood up, under watchful eyes. Josh was staring at me with curiousity and concern and worry, and he bit at his lip, setting his hand over mine. It was more of a quick touch of skin, but it comforted me, and I took a shaky breath on my way to the door.
Last time, I hadn't found it in myself to care about much at all, and so I didn't worry as much as I should have. I just remember wanting to sleep in the hallway for years and years and years, and make Josh show up, but now, my thoughts raged. It was borderline painful, the way everything slammed against my skull, and I tried to calm myself as much as possible. If there was one thing I learned about things like this, it's that being nervous gave away way too many things. It's not like I could stop it, though, and so I wiped my hands on my jeans before knocking on the door, and hoping she wouldn't open it.
"Come on in, Tyler." Mrs. Brenlin said, her voice sounding the same as I remembered it. It wasn't like I hadn't been in here in forever, but the desk was still too big and her lipstick still stained my eyelids when I blinked. It comforted me to know that that was still the same.
"So, we're just gonna dive right into it." she sighed, leaning forward onto her desk. "Josh seems to have a...strong impact on your mood. Correct?"
"Yeah? Yeah, I guess."
"You guess?"
"Look," I huffed, shaking my head. "Why do you care? I mean, is it really any of your business?"
"As staff members of this school, a part of our job is ensuring students safety. Like I told you the other day, some of us are worried about you. And it comes back to Josh going and coming, and we just want to know why."
I blinked at her, and her makeup flashed through my head. Why was it so bright? "What? I don't understand what you're saying."
She looked down, a hard laugh pushing past her lips. I could tell she just thought I was being defiant and not cooperating, but I didn't know what was going on, and I wish she would just say it.
Instead of verbalizing anything else, she pushed her chair backwards, next to the filing cabinet, and opened it loudly. Fishing through it with her stupid wrinkly hands, she sighed, grabbing onto what looked like a little pamphlet. I didn't even get to glance at it before she threw it in front of me, her blue eyes dull and annoyed. I didn't know what she was annoyed at, though, and I wish she'd turn the fan off. Last time I was in here, it was too hot. Now, it feels cold.
Because this clearly said Abusive Relationships and How to Escape and Prevent them, and oh god, no.
"I'm confused." I said shakily.
She moved back to behind the desk, smiling softly at me. It wasn't real, and looked more like plastic than anything, and I shook my head, laughing darkly. "What are you guys trying to tell me?
"We think you and Josh might be in a slightly unhealthy relationship. And we're not saying what kind of relationship it is, but, whatever it is, you seem to need him a heck of a lot."
"I mean, yeah. He's my b-boyfriend." Despite the situation, my heart still pounded at the term. Boyfriend. It sounded nice. "And he's not abusive. That's ridiculous."
She sighed, and I didn't know why. I was the one thought to be an abusive victim, and Josh was the one they assumed was abusive. "It's just that with some peoole, they're literally so attached that they completely don't know what to do with themselves when they're significant other is gone. And sometimes, that's normal. Missing someone is normal. But walking around completely lost and devestated for over a week isn't. So we're just gonna keep an eye on you two, okay?"
"You guys are absolutely unbelievable."
"We're just trying to help y-"
I cut her off, getting to my feet before she could finished her sentence. Now, the fan aimed for my torso and not my face, but it didn't matter, because I just needed to get out of here.
"I don't need it. Thanks."
And I didn't. So I shoved the stupid pamphlet in my pocket and left, and maybe I didn't tell Josh what happened, but I didn't want him to know.
***
A/N: What have I done? I'll edit later.