Tears Of A Priority
I'm steady tryna find a motive,
Why do what I do?,
Freedom ain't gettin' no closer,
No matter how far I go,
My car is stolen, no registration,
Cops patrollin', and now they done stop me,
And I get locked up,
They won't let me out, they won't let me out, (I'm locked up)
They won't let me out no, they won't let me out, (I'm locked up)
They won't let me out, they won't let me out, (I'm locked up)
They won't let me out no, they won't let me out
Headin' up town to re-up
Back with a couple of keys
Corner blocks on fire,
Under covers dressed as fiends,
Makin' so much money,
Ride up smooth and fast,
Put away the stash,
And as I sold the last bag fucked around and got locked up
Akon - locked up .
Ja laid on his cell bed , & looked up at the ceiling of the cell he was being held in . All he could think about was how much he missed Mercedes . Her smell , her soft skin , the dimples that sunk into her cheeks when she smiled , her smart ass mouth & her beautiful personality .
Ja knew he could've gotten himself off by simply killing the officers who arrested him but he decided to stick the two years he received - out . He was happy that he hadn't received any other charges prior to getting pulled over or else he would've had longer .
Every night Mercedes and Ja spoke , she cried on the phone about how much she missed him & how she would hold him down while he was in jail . If that wasn't a wakeup call for Ja to get his shit together ... He didn't know what else would do the trick . After all he'd done to her , she was still down to rock with him & that showed him a lot about her character .
Ja just hated that he couldn't be there to make sure Mercedes made good on her word . He knew Mercedes was every niggas dream girl ... Who was to say that she wouldn't find better and move on ? To say that would hurt Ja would be a understatement , he didn't want to experience that kind of pain that's why he hoped she kept her word . It was selfish of him after all he put her through but it was the nigga in him .
She kept money on his books , sent him care packages even though the prison gave her a hard time every time , she sent briefs , sweats , T-shirts and socks & even wrote to him and sent him pics sometimes . He had been down for only 2 months but those months had dragged on as Mercedes did what she had to do to make sure Ja was good .
Running herself ragged , she lost about 20 pounds and the shaped that Ja was so familiar with was just a memory . Yes , she was still healthy but Ja knew his absence was taking its toll on her .
Often times Ja spoke with her parents over the phone and they would tell him she wasn't herself , and that she was making herself sick from stressing out . Ja just shook his head & dropped it in guilt . As much as she had fronted when they had broken up , he didn't think she cared about his well being that much .
•••
Mercedes sat at the dining room table with Ja's parents and watched them eat dinner . They were engaging in small talk with each other but Mercedes wasn't too interested . She just wanted to sleep , her body was behaving weirdly & always felt sick . The weight loss had her not being able to fit her clothes & wearing nothing but leggings and T-shirts .
" Cedes , we are worried about you ? What's going on sweet heart "? Tyra asked solemnly .
" Nothing Ma , just tired is all ". Mercedes responded waving her off to take the attention off of her . " Have you guys spoke to Jazir "?
" Yes , he's worried about you too . He says that if helping him out is taking this much of a toll on you that you shouldn't do it . He wants you to be okay , he hates that it's because of him that you are stressing out like this ". Tyra said rubbing Mercedes hand .
Mercedes couldn't help but think , if only they knew . Yes , worrying about Jazir had her stressed out ... But she had way more things clouding her thoughts .
" No , I'm fine . I just haven't been getting enough sleep . I'm gonna go home , okay ? I don't feel to good ". Mercedes announced .
" we don't want you driving like this . Why don't you just go lay down in Ja's old room . Maybe that'll help you sleep better "? Paul asked .
Mercedes nodded and made her way to his bedroom . Closing the door behind her softy , Mercedes dropped to her knees & cried into her hands . She couldn't believe that she was pregnant a second time . She didn't know how Ja would react about it , she didn't want to tell her parents and the secret was just eating her up alive . Plus the constant stress of worrying if Ja was controlling himself in the jail & not getting into any extra trouble , waiting for his phone calls that sometimes didn't come for days at a time or because she missed them . It wasn't like she could call him and talk to him for hours on the phone , talk time was limited and everything was just weighing heavy on Mercedes .
After finding out she was a few months pregnant , she wondered if she should or could tell Ja .
Abortion kept running through her mind because she just couldn't go through with having the baby . She would just keep it a secret like she had been doing and get an abortion on her own time .
She was going to talk to Ja about it & let him know the situation , hopefully he would respect and agree with her decision. The timing for the baby to come into this world was all messed up & Mercedes refused to bring her baby up without its father .
•••
Ja sat listening as the phone rung and he waited anxiously for Mercedes to pick up the phone . He hadn't spoke to her in a few days and he wanted to see what had her so unlike herself .
" Hello "? She answered softly .
" Yeah , wassup with you "? Ja asked . " I miss you ".
" Nothing is up , I'm fine . I miss you too ". She replied .
" So what's this I been hearing about you losing weight , not eating , and not taking care of yourself ? That's not the Mercedes I know ". Ja told her .
Ja listened as she bust into a river of tears . He could hear something in her cries , it was a different cry . Like a " I'm hiding something , & I kinda wanna take it with me to my gave " cry .
" Mercedes ? Ma what's up ? You gotta let a nigga know something ? It's tearing me up while im in here ... That you out there on the other side of them gates crying like that & I don't know the reason . Tell me ". He encouraged softly .
" Ja , I'm pregnant ". He heard her cry out .
Pregnant ? When ? How ? Ja thought , the timing was all wrong . He already knew why he was reacting the way she was .
" Ma , I already know what you thinking . Imma be fucked up about it for a while but If having an abortion is what you want to do ... Do it . I know this ain't the best situation to bring a baby into and I can see that it's taking a toll on you . Just wait it out for a week . If by the end of the week you still want to do it , do it . Don't tell nobody , it only has to be between me and you iight "? Ja asked .
" I don't want to Ja but I have to . It's just not the time Ja ... I refuse ". Mercedes cried harder . It was going to be hard for her to say bye to another child but it was for the best .
" I understand that Ma , it seem like you already got your mind made up . We can try again when I get out , iight ? " Ja said trying to hide the sadness in his voice . He wished he hadn't fucked up royally and ended up in prison ... He could be enjoying his pregnant girlfriend and waiting to welcome his beautiful son or daughter into the world .
" You promise "? Mercedes asked sniffling . It's not that she didn't want to have his baby , now just wasn't the time . Mercedes was glad that Ja was being understanding about the situation. Many other people would judge her on how she was taking the easy way out or how she could've kept the baby but they wasn't in her shoes . She wasn't going to do it , end of story .
Whatever happened between her and Ja , would remain between her and Ja .
••••
After hanging up the phone with Mercedes , Ja did something he hadn't done in a long time . He prayed , and he cried .. A lot . He wanted his child ... A billion times over . But the timing was all off and Ja Couldn't have faulted himself more than he was doing right now .
" God , I know a nigga been fucking up .. & I don't talk to you as much as I should . But a nigga just be in his own world . Making dumb ass decisions and just touching everything and turning it into shit . I just ask that you not be mad about what me and Mercedes decided to do and when the time comes around again that you allow us to bring a healthy baby into this world . And make sure my girl get over this depression ass phase she got going on cuz a nigga need her thick and sexy when I get up outta here . Imma need about to 2 days alone with her just letting off in that ... Never mind . A nigga gone get better at this , just bare with me . One ".
Ja laid in bed , with his head clear and his heart still heavy . He wished he could just close his eyes and wakeup home . He would do anything to just to spend one night with the love of his life .
4 days Later :
Mercedes sat inside the abortion clinic , scared shitless out of her mind . It was many females her age & even younger and older right in the " chop shop " with her .
Some of them had two or three kids with them & was here to get rid of the fourth . But Mercedes was in no position to judge , that want in her character .
" What you here for "? A girl asked Mercedes as she bounced her newborn baby girl in her arms .
" A Checkup ". Mercedes replied simply .
" Girl boo . The only reason girls our age come here for is to get a trip into the chop shop . I'm not judging you or anything ... But sometimes you have to do what you have to do . I cannot bring another baby into this world , Im already struggling with one . So don't feel bad if you have to get rid of one , you can have plenty more".
Although Mercedes didn't like the way the girl worded her words , Mercedes couldn't help but agree with some of what the heard . Sometimes you had to do what you had to do , even though Mercedes had parents to help take care of her child ... That's not how she wanted to bring a baby into this world . That's how she saw it and that's how things would be .
" Mercedes Williams "! A nurse called .
" I'm praying for you girl ", the girl told Mercedes and gave her a small smile .
" Thankyou , I needed to hear that ". Mercedes said and followed the nurse into the back .
•••
After the procedure was finally done , Mercedes laid in bed damn near dying from the pain and how uncomfortable she was feeling . The cramps were debilitating as she paced her bedroom floor .
Feeling a sense of relief scared Mercedes , was she heartless for feeling this way ? She felt sadness and fucked up about the situation too but she just couldn't help but feel like she was right for not bringing her child into a world where both of the parents weren't around . That just wasn't the ideal way to become a mom to Mercedes .
Looking at her phone Ring , Mercedes looked at the caller I.D & realized who it was calling and answered before she missed his phone call .
•••
" hey ". Ja spoke sounding like he was facing a better day .
" Hi ", Mercedes replied not being able to help the smile that came across her face .
" How are you feeling "?
" Honestly "? Mercedes asked .
" Yes honestly ma ".
" I feel a sense of relief . But I also feel fucked up and like such a horrible person . I just didn't want to bring my baby .. Our baby Into the world under these circumstances Jazir . I hope you're not too mad at me about my decision ".
" I already told you I'm trying to be as understanding as I possibly can . I know you didn't do it to be malicious . I understand ma , when I get out we got all the time in the world to make babies . Ard ? I want you to stop stressing so much & stop trying to face everything alone .
" I love you ", Mercedes whispered .
" You know a nigga love yo ass more . I need you to start taking better care of yourself . I'm trynna come home to something thick ... Fucking around with you I'm coming back home to a stick . I ain't got time iight "? Ja said making Mercedes laugh .
" Imma start taking better care of myself . Imma eat , Imma get cute & im gonna go to school and all that good stuff ". Mercedes told him .
" that's what I wanna hear my love , a nigga can't wait to have you up here for visits just so I can see if you gone do what you saying you gone do . I can't see that ass over this bullshit ass phone ". Ja continued to joke . This was the best Mercedes had felt since Ja went to jail . She hoped the minor depression she slipped into would be as easy to slip out of .
" You have 2 minutes remaining ". The automated voice spoke .
" I hate that bitch ". Mercedes sucked her teeth . Ja just chuckled and sent her his love in 3 simple words .
" I love you too . Talk to you later baby ". Mercedes responded and once he hung up she out the phone to her lips and kissed the screen . It had a picture of him on it sticking up the middle finger as he sat on the toilet . Times like those are the ones she missed the most .
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