After my trip back from Chatham I arrive back in London around ten at night walking inside my apartment building on twenty-nine Rosary. I walk up the flight of stairs going inside the apartment getting ready for the journey home tomorrow. I called Isabell’s mobile phone as Ronny picked up and I told him that I made it safely saying farewell one last time. Afterward I began to pack so I can be ready in the morning. After I was done packing it was thirty minutes pass ten as my apartment phone began to ring.
I answer it “hello?” “Grinny…” There was a pause as I knew it was Abbey calling, but the tone in voice sounded sorrowful. “Abbey, I was worried about you today…” I said. There was another pause “Grinny, I’m standing outside your apartment building I need to talk to you please…” she said. “Sure, just a moment I’ll be down” I replied. “Ok…” she answers as we disconnected the call. I went downstairs opening the door seeing Abbey standing there.
“Hey…” she said after I opened the door. I look in Abbey’s eyes seeing there was something she had to tell me but didn’t want to. “Hey… What’s going…? I have a bad feeling in my heart this won’t be good….” I answered. “It’s just…” Abbey takes a moment taking a deep breath “I wish I could talk loud… but I can’t…” “Come on let’s talk in my apartment” I said letting her in.
Abbey didn’t say anything as we walked up to my apartment. I sat on the bed as Abbey sits next to me. She couldn’t talk as she couldn’t look at me at first. “Abbey, what’s going on? I wish you could talk to me…” Abbey looks at me “it’s just I have a lot going on in my life at the moment… And I’m also really worried about my mum… she’s getting mentally ill… My dad told me… and I don’t think… I have time for a relationship… it’s just so much stress… There’s seriously no other guy in my life… I don’t have time for guys I need to concentrate… On other things at the moment and Keith…” Abbey pauses stalling as she stares into my eyes. “You deserve someone who will give you true love back…"
I froze trying to take in what she was telling as it took a while for everything to sink in. “You… don’t truly love me is that what you’re saying?” I asked. Abbey couldn’t answer my question she stayed silent as I saw a tear coming down her cheek. “But why?” I ask her not knowing what else to say. “I don’t know… I just don’t feel it… In my heart like you do… I thought I did… I do have feelings for you… And I can’t concentrate on having a relationship at the moment I need to worry and focus on other things… And it’s not like you live locally… You live all the way in Ohio… I don’t have the time… I need to be there for my mum… And focus on my degree.”
“Abbey if you have so much going on in your life I’ll wait for you no matter how long it takes for you to get things right and I’m right here to help you and support you. I love you that much I’d wait forever for you…” Abbey objects to what I said “but you deserve someone… Who will love you like you love me…” “Abbey you just need time I’m not going to force you but…” I couldn’t finish my sentence for I couldn’t believe this was happening.
“I just can’t… I love you… can’t you see?” I said to her. “Keith I’m scared… I won’t feel this way even after time… And I don’t want you to wait for me you deserve so much better…” There was silence in the room not even a sound. “You’re so far away…” finally said Abbey breaking the silence. “Abbey it won’t take me long to get back to London…”
“Keith… it’s not going to work.” “Please don’t give up I know I can’t force you but…” I was having trouble finding what I needed to say. “I don’t feel strongly enough for you…” finally said Abbey. I felt defeated and soon lost feeling my heart shattering like glass. “Abbey…” I said.
“I don’t know what to do…” adds Abbey. There was another moment as I spoke “what is it that doesn’t make you feel strong? It takes time to develop a strong bond…” “I know it does… but how is it going to work? You’re going back to the U.S., you’re from Ohio that’s where you live, you hate your job, and you don’t have a degree. I don’t have enough strong feelings for you to make this work…” Abbey sighs like she was going to start crying. “I’m sorry… I don’t know…”
“Abbey there’s still hope… You know how motivated I am as a person I worked this far to get over which isn’t cheap. Trust me Abbey I want to go to school to be more successful, but I love you, you make me happy, but I can’t force you to be with me. I wish you could give it a chance you never know… Abbey I just don’t want you to give up. I know you’re stressed and sometimes you feel like giving up, but it’s not the end of the world. I’ll give you space, but I also want to be there for you because I love you; I’m always here for you to talk to. You’re my best friend and I truly love you more than that.”
“I wish I truly loved you more than a best friend… but that’s the thing I don’t love anyone like that… It’s not just you…” she answered. I didn’t quite understand “what do you mean?” “Right now I can’t think about relationships… I don’t want a boyfriend… And I don’t love you a lot to keep this up as we are doing… It’ll all be false I wouldn’t feel like you do…”
I started think “did you always felt that way with me or was it just the stress?” “Not always… I thought I loved you… A lot… I did… But today I realized if I loved you a lot I would be trying to make this work instead of giving up because of my stressful life and Keith you deserve the best.” It got quiet again after she said that to me the damage was taking its toll.
“Abbey… I can’t… believe it…” “This has just gotten way too much out of hand… It wasn’t meant to get this serious… You weren’t meant to love me the amount you do… And you would want to travel all the way back to London just to see a girl who’s confused… And doesn’t love you the amount you do?”
I could feel the knife in my heart slowly gorging in “Abbey… I’m sorry for loving you this much but it’s the kind of love I have for you that’s patient and pure… It’s strong but it’s patient and pure for that I promise you. I’d still travel to see you because maybe seeing me would help you see that maybe you truly love me… Love takes time to develop.”
Abbey objects again “but even if it was if I really did love you I would be trying to make this work” I interject “but you do try; you’ve tried more than anyone I’ve known…” “Keith we’re going to be so far away… This is all a fantasy we’re living in!” said Abbey raising her voice.
I make a point “So, it’s just the distance?” I state raising my voice “distance shouldn’t matter!” “No, I don’t love you truly…” I stood up from the bed turning away a bit having my hand on my forehead trying to stay calm. “I love you of course I do… just…there’s so much going on and you deserve true love, but like you said seeing you when you come back to England might help…” said Abbey toning her voice down. I toned my voice down “I’m not giving up I truly believe in you and I’m not giving up this is just a tough challenge we have to face because of your stressful life. Abbey I’m all the way with you, I want to be there to help you, and help you get through it.”
Abbey gets up from the bed trying to think “I don’t know what to say…” she finally said. “I love you and I’m not giving up I don’t care how tough life gets I’m still going to be there, love you, and make all the efforts I can for you because I love you. You’re my true diamond…” I said sincerely. Abbey looks over to me “please don’t say that you’re sounding desperate now… You’ve only known me for five days…” I sigh taking a deep breath “I don’t mean to sound desperate I’m not…”
“I don’t want to take this any further now I can’t… I don’t think I can love you and I’m saying this now so it won’t hurt you so much in the future…” Abbey pauses looking straight at my eyes. “What we have… It can’t work… You’re going to be too far… It’s too far… You’re not…” Abbey started getting more upset. “I need to marry someone who lives in the same country as me… someone who has a degree… someone who I know well and better in person…”
A part of me didn’t want to give up but yet the emotional damage in my heart started to become unbearable. “It can work it just takes time and patience. I want to be all of those things with you I do. I want to us to know each other well and better in person, be in the same country weather it’s the UK or the U.S. I will get a degree it just takes time and trust me going to college is one of my things on my list that I want to do…”
I pause for a moment looking at Abbey. “It’s all up to you if you want the commitment…” I finally said. Abbey rubs her eyes for a second with a sigh “Keith I just need space okay? I don’t want commitment at the moment to anyone and I don’t mean that in a slutty way.” “I’d still hold onto you…” I replied. “It’s entirely up to you if you still want to come back to London…” “No matter how long it takes for you, I will give you space, and I do want to come back to London to see you but I just hope you’ll be there…” I said not knowing what to say.
“I will…” said Abbey as she pauses “Keith… I’m really sorry… I really wanted this to work…” “We still can Abbey” I replied. “No, we can’t…” she said objecting back. I interject again “there’s always a positive side if you know where to look” I said with tone change. “I’m not in love with you long distance relationships don’t work especially with this much coming of a distance when you leave. Keith… You should really try to avoid them!” she exclaimed. I felt beaten down “Abbey… I don’t know what to say…” “What would you rather?” she asks. “What would I rather what?” I replied.
Abbey changes her tone “would you rather me be… forcing myself to love you and be untrue… Not really be happy because of the great distance that will be between us and other factors…Or would you have me rather get on with my life… And eventually be with someone I truly love?”
“Abbey I’m just saying we can beat these factors if you really loved me, and I’m just saying maybe you need to meet me again so that way you can see if you truly love me. But if you’re one-hundred percent sure that you don’t really love me then yes; I want you to be free and be in love with someone else even though it would hurt me, but Abbey I don’t think in my opinion you shouldn’t take the easy route yet especially when we haven’t given that much time to each other."
“Keith I can’t do this” replies Abbey. “I’m just telling you what I suggest…” “No, this is crazy it’s not going to work for me.” I was stubborn “if that’s what you want… But I think you’re making a big mistake.” “I never did agree with long distance relationships” states Abbey. “But I know Abbey if you truly love someone they always come back to you… I just want you to be happy…” I honestly said.
Abbey thinks for a moment “if you want when you come back to London we can spend time together as friends getting to know each other… When you’re ready to come back over?” Abbey was uncertain just by the tone of her voice. “Is that what you want?” I ask her. “I guess…” she replies still unsure. “You don’t sound so sure Abbey like I said you’re confused and you’re all over the place” I said making my observation. “Yes, it’s what I want” she said quickly “really?” I asked hoping that wasn’t a true answer.
“Yeah…” said Abbey again to my face. I turn away facing my apartment window for I really didn’t want that to be the answer. “It would be good for you too…” adds Abbey sincerely with a pause “for the both of us…” she said. I turn around to face her having a few tears in my eyes “but I’d be lying to myself…” I said with a pause. “Of course you would be too if that’s how you really feel but you’re unsure…” I added. “Keith I don’t love you, I’m trying to, but I just can’t… That’s why we’ll see each other when you come back to see… but I know it’s not going to work. I... I’m really sorry.”
“Abbey you don’t know that; you don’t know if it’s going to work which is why I say we should see each other again.” “Don’t get your hopes up okay? I don’t want you more hurt…” she sincerely said. “I’ll try not to but for my records I would like to at least see each other again to see for myself if we truly love each other… I don’t think we should give up just yet we need to see if what we have is true…”
Abbey interjects “I know it’s not… though…” “You may think that now but what about when we actually get to see each other again? We don’t know what the future will bring…” “I don’t know… but I’m quite sure…” said Abbey thinking trying to make up her mind. I stood there seeing her think as she looks at me.
“Kay, I’m not dumb, and I certainly am not going to let you play me like you do with most girls” she suddenly says to me. I stood there more confused and tried to say something but she interrupted me. “Tonight is going to be the last time I talk to you and see you; I dislike boys like you!” yells Abbey to me. “I just want to end it on a decent note then get on with my life without you thanks!”
I didn’t quite understand why she was yelling at me as I raised my voice at her. “Abbey I’d never play with you like that why do you assume that I am that kind of guy?” I shout. Next thing you know Abbey and I got into an argument. “Okay then… Desperate for a girlfriend, I happen to be handy; just leave me alone okay? I’ll leave now!”
Abbey was about to turn around to leave until I yell “why do you think I’m desperate for a girlfriend I don’t understand!” “Just stop talking to me and get on with your life please!” she yells back at me turning around to face me. “I will get on with my own life Abbey, but I don’t need you to make conclusions about me like that because that’s not me! That’s never been me and as for you I love you and that’s true it’s always been true. You’re the only girl I ever wanted I have real feelings for you!”
“I’m sure you say that to every girl and I’m sick of getting hurt by everyone!” There was one second of silence “Abbey why do you want me out of your life?” I had asked. “Keith you’ll live; just talk to the many girls you do and you’ll be fine…” I drastically sigh “Abbey you’re the only person I have ever said that too I’ve never said that to Amanda, Olivia, or to Isabell; I’ve never said it to anyone…”
Abbey didn’t believe me just by the look on her face “Do you mind if I walk out of your life today?” she said coldly. “Abbey of course I mind it hurts! You don’t have to do this… I don’t understand why because I’m not here to hurt you…” Abbey could see the dismay within my soul “I just want you to get on with your own life without me and without you that’s what I want okay?” said Abbey telling the real truth. “We don’t have to see each other again I’ll just say bye here… bye…”
I see Abbey turn around to leave “may I ask why?” I said starting to burst more into tears “it hurts that you make conclusions about me being those asshole kind of guys because that’s not me…” I said truthfully. Abbey turns around to face me “Fine you’re not an asshole guy… I really mean that… You’re the sweetest guy; you’re sweet to everyone.” “I would like to see you again…” I asked.
“No, you don’t…” states Abbey. I object to Abbey’s statement “yes I do want to see you I’m here now, so are you, and I would like to spend as much time with you as I can…” Abbey was thrown off guard “Why, just talk to another girl later…”
“I don’t want to talk to another girl I only want you that’s all I ever wanted and I only want to talk to you. I want to spend as much time with you as I can because I love you and I don’t want you out of my life but you do…” There was a pause in the atmosphere “that hurts because I actually love you…” Abbey puts her face in her hand trying to fight back tears “God Keith…” she said muffled. Soon Abbey looks at me “I also need to tell you something else… That’s why I wanted to talk to you…”
“Because you actually love me?” I ask her. “No, we’re talking about how to end this… I have something to say about this whole thing… And… how it’s not going to work…” I knew then she didn’t want me. “I’ll listen Abbey but first let me say something…” I replied. “Okay go ahead…” she said.
“Abbey our relationship we had taught me a lot in a very positive way it really did… You taught me to be a better man…” “I did…?” Abbey was completely flabbergasted from what I had just told her. “Yes you did I want to let you know that you taught me to be a better man. You can tell your mom that too that you taught me to be a better man and I will take what I learned from you to apply it for the rest of my life forever…” “How did I teach you to be a better man…? Are you serious?”
“Yes I’m serious you taught me not to give too much, you taught me to enjoy a relationship with the time we have that we are given because we don’t know when it’s going to be our last day together. You taught me how to love and live my life fully… And I don’t regret all the moments we had together being more than friends I don’t regret them… You taught me happiness, you taught me the ups and downs of a relationship, how to be strong, you taught me the true qualities of a relationship.” I confessed. Abbey took a moment to take in what I had just said. You could feel the emotions within the small apartment bulging out and yet it all coming down to an end.
“Keith… I’ll always love you… And you’ll always be in my heart I mean that I’ll never forget you… Look, I know what I did… was a horrible thing… creating false hope between us… I’m sorry… Just I believe everything happened for a reason… I believe you will find that girl you were truly meant to be with your soul mate… And you will find her… I’m so sorry… I believe what we had was beautiful and always will be beautiful… But I believe when the right girl comes along for you; you will think that feeling is the most beautiful feeling in the entire world… What we had together taught us what love does feel like because we can’t deny that… I just believe we were lonely and through loneliness we created false true love… But doesn’t mean it was all fake… because… I still love you and care for you… I want you happy. Just know that I want a girl to treat you right and love you for who you are one day, truly, and… be close to you physically and mentally; of course a part of me would always wish that I was that girl… But some things aren’t meant to be okay…? And in a few years time… I hope we will keep in contact because I’d always love to you that you are happy…”
Abbey walks up to me taking hold of both of my hands as I look down seeing we were holding our hands together. “Take care my Grinny Grin… I’m sorry for breaking your heart I feel so horrible… I’m really sorry… I wish you all the best happiness in life… because Keith you deserve someone decent and not a paranoid nasty girl like me. I am really sorry… Just walk away and let me be out of your life for good… This is the last time we will see each other as I cannot bare to look at what I destroyed. I wish you all the best in life… I really do…”
Abbey cries grasping my hands as tight as she could for a second weeping. She continues to weep feeling her constant tears falling down onto our hands and her grip of our hands together loosen. Abbey looks up at me with her crying eyes “bye Grinny… You always will be in my heart I promise…” She suddenly lets go of our hands kissing me on my lips for a long kiss. After her kiss she leaves my apartment knowing that this was our last goodbye.