Chapter Fifteen: Alone Together
I sit in the car next to Brad, he is driving me back to London. After the argument Niall took off and I don’t blame him one bit. I’m actually surprised that he had stuck around for so long.
There is this awful feeling rolling around inside and it is so painful and lonely. I am more attached to him than expected and now I was paying the price for falling hard. What I had expected though?
Over the year I had pushed everyone away from me, any guy who flirted at school or off the field. In all this time I’ve never let anyone in for selfish reasons of not wanting to get hurt. I never thought I would ever hurt anyone in return.
“So what did it?” Bradley asks with a tone all too familiar in his voice. “What did you do to make him leave?”
He was angry with me, and it was fair enough. The stupidity of the situation was beyond anything I had done before. He drives with his hand gripped tight against the wheel, I know that out of anyone he’s the only one who I can actually freely talk to about this.
“He knows I’m sick,” I say frustrated. I look away from his judging look and out the window the the hilly countryside.
“So you pushed him away,” he says quietly “more than once, just like the rest of us.”
I ignore his very true comment and stare out the window some more. I pay with the buttons on my shirt and listen to the song on the radio sing about being in love. I want to throw myself out of this car.
“It won’t be fun if you don’t have anyone left Sarah,” he says.
“Who says I’m having fun?” I snap back and I realize that I sounded like a brat but his comment was slightly uncalled for even now.
He sighs and looks at me “All I’m saying is even I’ve been waiting for it. I don’t blame him for leaving, this is hard. I wait for it every time I see you, prepare myself for how awful and sick you look.”
I swallow the tears rising on my face, swallow all the fear choking me alive.
“The color fades from your face more and more, it’s alot harder to stand by a watch you fade away from us then you think.”
He too was choking on words just trying to explain his own feelings beside me. He looks at me and I see how upset he is and how sad he is to even have to have this conversation.
“Sarah all our conversations consist of me telling you how sick you are and you telling me how fine you are. I love you Sarah, you know I do and you know how much I love you. I made a promise to your dad that I would always take care of you but fuck some days you make it damn hard.”
I hate that this conversation had turned into a lecture, one I didn’t want to hear. I understand his point but it doesn’t change my mind on anything.
“He left you Sarah, he left you and Jean and it was selfish, he could have gone through more treatment.” he reminds me and my heart stings, it’s awful and I want him to stop but he doesn’t.
“He could have lived, he should of. He should have gotten to see you play football, make the juniors but he was selfish.”
I bit my lip as he finally finishes talking. I know what I was doing to myself, and maybe I was being just like my dad. Selfish. I was so determined to play football and leave the small town but I didn’t care who I left. Who I had forgotten to love and how I had forgotten to live.
I was just so sure that once I was finished football, once I got through the championship I would feel better. Feel accomplished but maybe it would be the opposite.
“I just want you to remember that not everyone is out to get you and that eventually you’re going to need us.” he says as I get out from the car, I grab my bag from the back and he rolls down the window.
“Sarah we need you too.”
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When I step out onto the field the next morning my head and heart are pounding with anxiety. I want to curl up into a ball and never have left my bed but sadly that wouldn’t do me any good.
I search for any trace of the blonde hair and blue eyes that are making my eyes go crazy but he’s no where. He isn’t here.
The first time he left we didn’t talk for weeks, he wouldn’t look or speak to me. This is worse, much worse, he didn’t even show up at all. Lizzy comes up behind me and sets down her bag looking around.
“Have you seen--” I start.
“One of the older girls said he quit,” she pulls on a cleat and looks at me. “Some huge fight with his dad about something.”
She looks at me with the same look that Brad would give me, “or someone.”
This wasn’t about us, this was Niall arguing with his father. They were arguing about benching me, not about our hidden relationship or the trip back home. I should be angry and I should hate him but a part of me sees that he still cares. I start practice without another thought and run the drills through the best I possibly can without looking over to coach even once.
At the end of practice he catches me before I go into the locker room. “Winters, you’ll start Friday if you keep up this intensity.”
I swear he almost smiles at me before letting me go. I nod at him and find my way into the locker room. When I enter most of the girls just stop talking, some just whisper and mumble as I do so.
Lizzy shrugs her shoulders and offers to take me out for dinner to help get things off my mind and to talk. I agree to go with her but it won’t help much, my mind is far to focused on Niall to care about much else.
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“Dad you have to bench her, she’s sick!” I yell from across the office. I throw a football in his direction to get him to pay attention to me.
He looks up slowly and without much care in his eyes. “she’s worked far too hard for this Niall. She’s the best player on the team and I won’t bench her during finals.”
“If you play her she won’t make it to the championship even if she gets you there.”
“I’m the head coach and she’ll play Friday whether you like it or not.”
“Then find a new fucking coach, dad.”
I throw my whistle down on the table, he continues to flip through books completely ignoring me. “I’ll be with mum, you remember her right?” I say and he continues to ignore me. “Well you’re the only one she remembers.”
He looks up at me now with dull grey eyes both full with the utmost sadness. I feel nothing for him though, yet again he’s being the same man I remember. The same man that would put a football team above everything.
I climb into my car and sit with the engine off for a while, my phone smashed in the seat beside me. After Sarah’s ninth text message I threw it out the window, but quickly realized that was pretty stupid. I hadn’t slept in over two days because my bed was cold and empty, so cold that I moved to the couch just so there was less space to ache for her.
I was conflicted about my choice. Not that I didn’t mean every word I had said to her, upset or not she was being stubborn and stupid. She was killing herself and forcing all of us to watch.
I run my fingers through my hair and take a deep breath before starting the car engine. Maybe some time with mum would help, she seemed to always be calm and sweet when I needed her most. It was my best option if I stay, I would have...no I would need to watch her play.
I drive in peace listening to the gentle hum of the car and the quiet noise of the radio. The phone clanked against the cup holder reminding me that I am running away from my problems. A couple days away would surely help, I would try not to think about her and that time would do me some good.
It takes me longer to reach the house than normal, I was driving slowly to take the time. Everything around me seems to move so fast, I shake my head trying regain focus on the driveway as I pull up. I park the car in the pitch black and and climb from the car with my bag.
I met Rosa at the door, her face confused but happy to see me. She has a sweet smile and wrinkles around her eyes. “I’m going to stay here for a few days,” she nods and lets me through the door.
“I’ll let your mom know you are here, she’ll be so happy to see you dear.”
I find my way up the stairs to my room, its the exact same as before mum always like consistency. The small room is covered in blue paint that chips around the corners of the molding. The wood floor creak under my feet with each step closer to my bed.
I sit on my bed and pull of my shoes taking note that the sheets still smell fresh, Rosa must clean them still even though no one was using them. She is a dedicated lady, takes fantastic care of my mum and me when needed.
She knocks on the door gently and lets herself in. She sets down a plate of food and a glass of milk before leaving again. Even with the full stomach and lack of sleep I can’t find it in me to close my eyes. I was up with the sun.
I walk down the hall towards my brother room and hesitantly push the door open slowly. I flick on the light and walk into the small room, unlike mine no one has been in it for a long time. I go over to his closet and pull out one of his old plaid shirts, pulling it over my white shirt.
It fits differently than I expect, its loose around my arms and fits good in my shoulders. Greg was always larger than me, but not fat just a different build. It smells like dust and closet but I rolled up my sleeves and kept it on anyways.
I find myself in the back shed grabbing tools before I make my way inside to the kitchen. I start to sand the old cupboards down so I can fix the handles and stains that have been there for years.
“What are you doing to my kitchen?” Mum’s voice snaps me from the work I started. I turn to her covered in dust and she raises an eyebrow at me.
“The cupboards needed work?” I say smirking at her and climbing down from the step ladder.
“I mean why are you here Niall?” She says “I know the football schedule, I’m not that crazy.”
She sits on one of the chairs I had covered in plastic and stares at me intently until I answer her honestly.
“I quit the team,” I say, I would and will never lie to her about anything. She looks down to her hands and sighs and I know she wants to lecture me about dad.
“What did he do now? She asks and by look on my face she knows i'm not expecting this response. “I know he gets a little crazy sometimes but he means well sweetheart; he really does.”
“Yea, I know mum. How ‘bout some breakfast?” I change the subject before she changes it to Sarah. I don’t want to talk about her or him at the moment.
I make breakfast for the two of us and she sits close keeping one hand on my chair like I was ready to run away. It was a rare sight to see her so alert and happy, it was a good day when she remembered to call me Niall.
I go back to work and Rosa takes mum into the garden, before coming in to get her some tea. Rosa stands at the counter waiting for the water to boil and watches me , watch my mom through the window.
“Are you going to tell me the truth?”
I look at her and she tilts her head down at me, “Where is that lovely girl,” she asks. I set down the sander and pick up the clean white paint. I want to ignore the question pretend like there was a break in the language. But she knows as well I do that I understood her perfectly.
“She had practice all week,” I reply trying to keep my tone level. Just because I am lying to Rosa does mean I want to. I would rather curl up into a ball and drink myself to sleep but this was much more productive thank god.
“And you?” She questions knowing I’m lying to her. She pours the hot water into the teapot and looks at me like she knows the truth. She wants me to say it, but I can’t.
“Taking a break,” I say shortly.
“pequeñita,” she says to me and I turn away from the paintbrush to look at her. She had called me since I could remember, it means tiny one. Compared to Greg I was always the tiny one. “You are taking it out on the kitchen cupboard.”
She laughs but her eyes are serious, she picks up the tray and as she leaves I hear her say, as clear as day “Just remember how short life is, love her better.”
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I toss my sweater aside and pull the old wood down from the side of the house. It cracks under the pressure and falls to the ground beside my dirty clothes and box of tools. I wipe the sweat from my chest and grab a new piece of wood, nailing it up where I had removed the old piece.
“Niall James Horan, I have let this go on long enough. You have been here three days and have fixed just about every single thing in my house whether or not it needed it.”
I hope in ignoring my mother’s voice she will walk away but she just stares up at me from below the ladder. “Come down here and tell me what’s biting you in the ass.”
I laugh at her tone and shake my head, “Nothing’s even wrong mum.”
“Don’t bullshit me, your father used to do the same thing. After a hard loss or a big fight with me he’d come out here and cut the lawn or fix the shed!” she hollers at me “It was the only time I could get him to do anything productive. Now come down here and have tea with me.”
I laugh harder this time at her unusual language and references to my father. I climb down and just as my feet are solidly on the ground she slaps me clear across the back of the head.
“Stupid stubborn boy, just like your father.”
I stand in front of her rubbing the sore spot she had just created, she was strong for a little woman. She takes my hand and wraps it in her dragging me to the garden to sit with her. Rosa puts a sandwich and water down prodding me to eat it because I hadn’t eaten anything in days.
The sunlight in the back yard shone through the tall trees and kisses the plants making them all brighter in color than usual. The daisies sit in the back bush, beautiful and bright. They are Sarah’s favorite and every day I’ve been here I’ve wanted to dig them up. But I can’t bring myself to do such a thing.
“I gave you three whole days of this reno to stew in your thoughts, now tell me what happened.”
“It was just a fight with dad mom,” I say drinking the water down. I hadn’t realized how thirsty the hot july weather was making me.
“Do you think Rosa and I are stupid?” she looks at me and I shake my head. I take a deep breath and she sips on her tea. Just before the porcelain reaches her lips she drops her tone and her eyes “Tell me what happened with Sarah.”
I don’t even understand what happened.
I think about it long hard, wether or not telling her this will change anything in my eyes. But my mum sits there staring at me, asking about the only girl she’s ever seen me care about as much as I do. The only girl my mum has ever seen me lo--.
“She’s sick mum,” I say cutting me off from my own damn thoughts before I get into deep.
“Sick darling?” She pokes me to continue.
“She’s got cancer.”
Saying it out loud sounded terrible, it was the first time I had since she told me. Even now sitting her wrapping my head around it was hard, my mum sees that. So we sit quietly in the sun together.
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(A/N) I don't speak fluent Spanish, so if I may have written that translation wrong or just look plain stupid. Can you let me know how to fix it because I would really want it to be correct and not offend anyone! :) Love you guys!