Ian left.
He stared at me at first. His lips parted, they moved as they formed words that I could not hear over the sound of my heart beating so rapidly.
He was talking, shouting, shaking my shoulders, touching the side of my face with gentle strokes he should have reserved for someone else.
Then he stood and stumbled over furniture before he got to the bathroom.
I waited, touching my lips with the tips of my fingers but I couldn't feel anything.
My lips were numb.
Then Ian stumbled out of the bathroom, using the back of his hand to wipe something off his lips.
The same lips that were on mine just moments ago.
He looked at me and I swear the way my heart was pounding should not have been normal. I placed a hand over my heart in hopes of steadying it but even I wasn't stupid enough to believe that would work.
Ian said something. It looked like a question by the way his eyebrows pinched together and the lines on his forehead grew more prominent, but I could only hear a muffled version of his voice at the back of my head.
He moved closer to me, just a few steps, his arm stretched out in surrender, yet I still flinched back.
He winced, picking up his jacket and the rest of his belongings.
That's when he left.
The sound of the door slamming shut brought sound back to my ears. An overwhelming wave I was too tired to tame, so I stood up with my hands over my ears and walked to the bathroom.
I picked up my toothbrush and turned on the tap, the sound of water crashing against the porcelain sink felt almost calming in my daze. I brushed my teeth, I brushed my tongue, I even gurgled some mouthwash, swishing it around my mouth for as long as I possibly could.
I finally managed to get rid of the taste of him, but nothing could erase the memory.
The worst part was, that even when the guilt grew too heavy that I fell asleep leaning against the bath tub, I still couldn't help but remember how good he felt. How much I enjoyed every second while I betrayed my best friend.
~
I woke up and my back ached like I had just run a marathon without a stretching and was now paying the price.
I scanned the bathroom, running a hand down my face as I slowly stood up to start my day.
It took a shower and a change of clothes until I remembered what happened the other night and I instantly felt dizzy.
Hurriedly, I dashed to the living room area. Maybe it was just a dream, I thought. A really vivid dream.
My eyes landed on the coffee table and I felt so light headed I thought I would faint, but I quickly shot an arm out to press against the wall just to steady myself.
The bottles of alcohol were still there.
Ian kissed me, I thought I liked it, and now I had another secrete to hide from my best friend.
Just perfect.
I found my phone sometime later, and hesitantly switched it on.
I was still in denial over the whole thing. Why would Ian kiss me anyway? Why would I kiss him back? It didn't make sense.
When Ian's name popped up on my screen, I knew it wasn't some hallucination. It was real. It happened.
"We need to talk."
"I was drunk."
That last message made me feel even worse. In addition to angry. Everyone knows even if you did something while you were drunk didn't give you any excuse. I couldn't believe he was blaming it on alcohol.
"Please don't tell Dev."
"He'll freak."
Apparently, he also thought I was stupid.
I tossed my phone at the couch and stared at it. I didn't know what to do. There wasn't a book about what to do when you kiss your best friend's boy friend, and they sure did not teach that in school.
We needed to talk, but I pushed the thought back for as long as I could, I wanted to forget that anything happened, at least for a while longer.
I logged onto my email and completed all the new requests I received over night. Then I surfed through the net and watched endless videos on Youtube until I fell into a never ending black hole.
I had just eaten my last slice of pizza when my phone rang.
I glanced at the name and sighed with reluctance.
"Hey."
I swallowed at the sound of his voice.
"Hi," I replied weakly.
"I didn't think you would pick up."
I bit my lip. "Yet here we are."
I didn't hear anything from the other end of the call for a long time, I had to check if he hadn't hung up several times just to make sure.
"Would you like to come over?" I broke the silence.
"No."
I grimaced.
"Uh," he cleared his throat. "I think it's best if you come over here instead."
I relaxed momentarily, but it only lasted about half a second before I felt uncomfortable all over again. "Okay," I agreed. "I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Great," he said with zero enthusiasm.
I grumbled under my breath as I got dressed. I wore the most comfortable clothes I could find, at least if I go down, I would go on feeling somewhat myself.
Or incase Ian decided to kidnap me and sell me to some gang then I would be able to get away without any distraction.
I doubted anything like that would happen, but panic was starting to settle at the pit of my stomach and those ridiculous thoughts seemed to be my way of dealing with them.
After I thought I looked decent enough, I drove to Ian's apartment.
Ian and Devin's apartment, I correct myself, stepping out into the cold.
I pulled the hems of my sleeves over my fingers and dug them in my pockets after pulling the hood over my head.
It was almost snow season.
Somehow, I managed to drag myself over to the elevator to the right floor. It was only after I reached the door thaglt I froze.
I didn't know what to do.
I had no idea how to act around Ian anymore. It was torture.
I almost walked away, but I remembered how vital the conversation was and thought otherwise.
Before I could change my mind, I clasped my hand into a fist and knocked it against the cold wood.
The door opened and I stepped in, looking anywhere but at Ian's face.
I couldn't look at him, even when he spoke, I still found his shoes more interesting than the words escaping his lips.
"...Nate? I just asked you a question."
I finally looked up and I almost immediately wished I hadn't.
Ian was attractive, and that was an understatement. I always knew that he was attractive, even before we became friends. I just never gave it much thought.
Until now.
My eyes swallowed up everything. From the deep green in his eyes, the hollows of his cheek, his thick eyebrows, to his kissable lips.
He didn't even bother wearing something sad and depressing as a hoodie like I had. Instead, he wore a muscle tee that showed off his defined biceps and gym shorts that tightened as he bent to take a seat across from me.
"Why?" I whispered to myself.
"What?" he frowned.
"Nothing," I rushed. "What did you say?"
He held my gaze for a second before looking away. "I'm sorry for last night."
"It's okay," I said. "I understand. You were drunk."
"Yeah, I was drunk," he echoed.
"Is that all?" I asked, standing.
"Wait, where are you going?"
I bit the inside of my cheek. "I don't know."
"We still have to talk."
It was my time to frown. "I thought that was it."
He shook his head. "I was drunk."
"Yes, I know. We've already established that."
"You weren't."
I blinked. "What?"
"You weren't drunk, Nate. You kissed me back."
I felt rage and shame course through me.
"Sit down," he said. "Please."
I sat, my cheeks flaming.
"Why didn't you push me away?"
I shrugged.
"Look at me, damn it," he growled.
I looked at him, hesitantly.
"Answer my question."
"I don't know, okay? I just...you were there and I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry, too."
"You won't tell Devin?" he asked.
"I've already been a bad friend to him, Ian. I don't know if I can keep things from him any more."
"What things?" he asked.
"It doesn't matter."
"Nate, please. I don't want to lose him."
"Will you tell him?"
"Only when I think all three of us are ready."
I nodded. "Okay, as long as you tell him at some point."
He gave me a stiff nod back. "I'm glad we went over this."
"Me too."
I'd rather be watching chick-flicks.
"Do you think we can be friends again? I know it's stupid to ask but..."
I considered it. "Maybe. It's just going to be a little awkward at first, you know?"
"Yeah."
"I should get going."
"Do you have any plans for tomorrow?"
I wanted to lie, but I thought I had done that far too many times already. "Nope."
"Maybe we can come up with something then."
"Maybe."
"Goodbye, Nate," he said.
"Bye."
~
"Hey, are you okay?" Tom asked as soon as I stepped into the café.
"Yeah, why?"
He shrugged. "You look tired."
"I'm fine," I said, and it sounded a lot more hostile than I intended.
Tom raised his eyebrows. "Okay then, chamomile?"
I sighed, smiling a little. "You know me too well."
Tom smiled back before hurrying away to get my order.
I sat beside a window and watched the clouds gloom over the city, a darkening shadow falling over the many buildings.
"You here during karaoke night?" Tom asked as he placed the mug of tea before me.
I frowned. "How did you know?"
He shrugged. "I heard from a few waiters. Apparently my friend has a pretty decent voice and I never knew."
He sat in the seat in front of me as I took a timid sip. "Yeah, Ian dragged me here."
That earned me another bewildered expression. "Ian?"
I nodded.
"Wait, what? Since when are you two friends?"
My mind flashed back to last night and I grimaced. "Since Dev left."
Tom relaxed, "Oh, that makes sense."
"Aha."
"Speaking of," he said. "How is your ex-crush?"
I rolled my eyes. "An asshole, apparently."
Tom's eyes widened. "What happened?"
I traced the pad of my finger of the smooth surface of the mug in my hand. "He's ignoring me and Ian. Or more like avoiding me and ignoring his boyfriend."
Tom frowned, shaking his head. "That doesn't sound like him."
"I know," I said, exasperated.
"Maybe he wants to stay there a while longer and he feels guilty."
I considered it, it made sense after all, but it still didn't make me feel any better. Something was going on, I was not in on it and I hated that.
"I miss him," I blurted out. "I mean, as a friend of course. I miss him as my best friend even though I don't think he deserves the title any more."
"You don't mean that," Tom said awkwardly.
I shrugged.
Tom sighed. "I think I know what you need."
I groaned, running my fingers through my hair. "If you suggest alcohol I swear-"
"Alcohol?"
"Long story," I mumbled.
Tom stared at me curiously. "I was going to say, maybe you should tag along with me and Jess. We're going camping this weekend."
I hesitated. "I don't know, Tom...I don't want to third wheel. Besides, isn't it too cold?"
"It'll be fun, I promise," he said. "We'll get heaters. Anyway...I don't want to go there alone."
"You're going with Jess, aren't you?"
He nodded, his cheeks turning pink. "I'm not ready to be with him...alone like that."
I snorted. "You mean you guys haven't had sex yet?"
He threw a wad of napkins at my face. "It's not funny."
I laughed anyway. "Fine, I'll go."
He cheered.
"But," I said. "You have to promise you won't be a cock block."
He groaned. "I'm not ready."
"Okay," I said. "But if he wants to do anything else like-"
"Please stop," he mumbled, hitting his head against the table.
I held my hands up in surrender, smiling. "Are you sure I can come along with you guys?"
"Yes," he said. "Please do. For me."
I racked my fingers through my hair. "Fine."
Camping near winter season did not sound like the ideal way to spend my weekend. But maybe I could use the time to clear my mind since I desperately needed to do something about the thoughts running around in my head.
Hellooo!
I don't know about this chapter. Feels kind of rushed and short but meh. I tried.
Question: do you read fan-fiction? I know it's kind of a random question, but I'm curious since I personally don't and blah xD
P.S. I linked Troye Sivan's "Talk Me Down" cause it's sad but beautiful. And because I forgot to do it last time, lol.
Thank you for reading :D