a/n just a warning to my readers, I'm not real happy with how this turned out. I don't think it seems to cary and specific meaning or point throughout and that seriously agrivates me! I decided to just post it and move on and rewrite it later... maybe? but anyways....
Thursday, January 24th, 2013 – 2:00PM
I’m a bit depressed I guess. I really shouldn’t be. I have everything in the world to be happy about but something in me, the devil I suppose, is nagging and causing me to find all the reasons available for discontentment. Reasons to be happy though, its best I list them, right? Then maybe explain the wrong feelings? I’m extremely happy because mom is doing much better! She hasn’t lost the baby and although technically she’s not going to be out of the water, so to speak, until the baby is safely delivered in our arms it is encouraging to have her at 14 weeks. She hasn’t made it this far in a very long time. We let her S L O L Y …okay, S L O W L Y (apparently my spelling gets worse when I capitalize and draw it out, I mean, really, how pathetic, sloly?? :P) so, she gets to slowly walk to the living room and sit in her lazy boy because she gets tired of sitting in bed all day. The midwife came Tuesday and gave her her orders and I’ve kept her well supplied with raspberry tea, iron, and well, strange thought… what if years from now it’s a grandson or something reading this. Like HE’s going to want to know all about mom’s pregnancy in detail? :P So, we continue to have hope and keep praying that God brings this baby safely all the way. Dad has been doing pretty well with it all, it’s especially hard on him being gone all day at work and relying on me and Katie to make sure mom obeys orders; not that she wouldn’t, goodness knows she would NEVER be reckless with her history in pregnancies. Drew is working more hours now. He spends lots of time with Adam ministering to the youth around the area. He keeps telling me that it would be the perfect opportunity (warning: we’re moving on the depressing stuff :/) once I graduate to help with the women and girls like he does with the guys and, well, I’m thinking about it but, you know how important writing is to me and IF I actually get parental permission to work or do something outside of the home I’m kind of leaning towards a paying job. Which, well, I am really struggling with this because part of my heart is like ‘NO go help the hurting women, teens and girls in your city’ and the other part is pulling towards ‘go get a job, you can always donate to help out AND with an income you’d also be able to publish your novel…get more money, donate more money, and etc.’ It kind of makes sense, like maybe I’d be reaching more people that way, maybe I could even fit both in? Drew does, he helps in ministry and works for the lumber company and… obviously I’d have to find something other than the lumber company but, it is doable, right? I don’t know, like I’ve said, I don’t even have my parent’s permission yet and we’re all more concerned with keeping up around the house so mom doesn’t stress then we are about my finishing school and.. moving on. We’ll see what happens but that is what has gotten me in the depressed mood. It has got to be the devil… Its January, I shouldn’t even be worrying about graduating yet! Unless I use it as motivation to actually work on my school work… which is depressing, and then gah!!!! I’m stopping! I am going to go and help Katie with her music. ~Thea
Theadora sits at the piano with Katie and watches her little sister work through her scales. She looks up from the fingers running up and down the keys to the face calm and at peace. How does music do that to you? Theadora wonders.
Music is Katie’s escape, her natural solace. Any time she is anxious, upset, hurting, or excited she’ll sit at her baby and play. She’s still learning music but most of what she plays is by ear. She makes it up as she goes sometimes or repeats things she has heard. The rest of the family can judge her mood by the music she makes. Right now she’s running up and down all the minor scales. As she moves on from the scales she weaves music filled with dissonance.
“Katie, why the dissonance? What’s wrong today?”
“Oh, nothing.” Katie says, dropping her hands into her lap.
“Come on, you don’t play minor scales and dissonant pieces for nothing.” Theadora pushes.
“Really Thea, its nothing, now teach me what you’re going to teach me.”
Theadora laughs as her sister dismisses her questions. “Fine, nothing for now but if you keep up with the depressing music I’m going to bug you about it.”
“Teach Thea, teach.”
As Theadora opens her book and finds her page Katie is off pounding the keys to a popular Christian Song “Better Thea?” She asks.
“Much, you know there’s really not much left for me to teach you? You’re already better than I am you just don’t know all the terms.”
“And that’s what I have you for.”
They spend the next hour going over each other’s music. Drew walks in the door from the garage and sees Theadora whack the piano as she gives up her attempt at playing a song.
“Hey, that’s my baby!” Katie reprimands looking up from the book she was reading.
“Ugh, its just so frustrating! I can’t get through this measure, I’m supposed to have this memorized to play in church Sunday.” Theadora groans obviously frustrated.
“Wow, well hello to you guys, too sisters.” Drew says sarcastically as he sets his lunch box on the counter and gets a glass of water.
“Hi Drew.” Thea mumbles before going back to staring at the music as if she will be able to brand it into her mind.
Katie doesn’t look up from her book but merely turns a page ignoring his presence.
“Kay, seriously girl, that’s how you’re going to treat your big brother when he gets home from a hard day of work?” holding his hand over his heart in mock pain.
Katie continues on with her reading biting her lip at the grin fighting to show.
Drew sees it and runs his hand through his hair as he slumps into a chair across from her. “It hurts you know, to be rejected by one’s own family it, it’s indescribable really.”
Katie turns another page but only to annoy him because she certainly hasn’t read everything on the previous page.
“Are you seeing this Thea? Thea? Our sister’s book is more important than me, your piano music is more important than me, what is this world coming to when mere things have become more important than your all-important awesome brother?!”
Just as he finishes his speech his mother walks into the room behind him and ruffles his hair “Lets add big headed, proud, egoistic, pestering brother to that, shall we?” She says as she moves her hands down and begins giving him a shoulder massage. Thea gives up ignoring him and breaks out laughing.
“I could add a few to that.” Thea chuckles as she tosses her piano book to the floor and stands.
Drew’s face goes into a pout “Awe, come on, you’re just a bunch of haters.” Finally Katie breaks and throws her book at him “Pft, you know we love you.”
“That’s right Drew… Especially when you done and apron and make us breakfast.” Thea teases as she walks past him slapping his shoulder.
“I am so never doing that for you girls again!” Drew shouts after her then he looks up into his mother’s eyes “Hey Momma, how was your day?”
“Good honey, can you go help the girls set the table for dinner?”
“Um, let me think about that for a sec mom, set the table? Nope, no can do. Not happening. Ever.” He concludes but gets up and kisses his mother’s cheek whispering “sure mom, anything you need I’m just gonna go shower real quick.”
“Alright sweetie.”
In the kitchen the girls are snickering about lines to pull on Drew when he comes back but their mom glances at them successfully silencing them. “Girls, I know teasing is fun but lay off a bit, okay? Be careful not to cross the line and hurt his feelings. He may joke a lot but that’s because he has a hard time letting his feelings out.”
Katie turns around before rolling her eyes but Thea understands. Drew struggles with sharing his emotions. Right now he seems to be on top of the world, has a job, works in the church, has friends, but she knows all too well the pressures that come with adulthood and that this is just a front he puts up while inside he struggles to find the desire to push forward.
Tuesday, January 29th, 2013 12:43 am
I am getting behind aren’t I? L oh, well… First things first: mom is doing pretty well. She’s made it to 15 weeks. Mom was talking on the phone the other day and was telling whoever how it was going and they said “Oh, so you’re already in the second trimester!” We hadn’t even realized that! Mom hasn’t made it to the second trimester in a long time so… we do feel more excited? I don’t know exactly how to describe it really but maybe just more real. Like I suddenly want to go to Goodwill and look for baby clothes, get the bassinet out, stuff like that, stuff that no one does at week 15 but stuff that we’ve want to to make the baby part of our life. We’ve also been discussing names J if it’s a girl Katie is really set on Isabelle. We all like it well enough and it fits with the rest of our names I think. Andrew, Theadora, Kathryn, and Isabelle? Daddy doesn’t really like it though :P Andrew acts like he couldn’t care less but he’s just as excited as the rest of us J if it’s a boy mom’s leaning towards Peter because if “fits with the Andrew theme” okay mom ,I didn’t realize there was an ‘Andrew theme’ but… okay :P
Let’s see… Yesterday night Riley and Rachel Thomas, and Felicia, Nate and Vince Beck went bowling with Drew and I. Katie really wanted to come but mom and dad made her stay home since it was mostly older kids. Adam stopped by, too to give some notes to Drew and ended up staying and bowling which surprised none of us :P It was fun, afterwards we got hot chocolate at starbucks which is seriously overpriced but… Drew insisted on paying for me so I’m not complaining :P Wow… I’ve used a lot of :P in this entry.
Speaking of that… I’ve been doing okay with the whole ‘I’m growing up and don’t know what to do with my life’ stuff. You know as well as I do that that could change at any moment though… I think the struggle is there though; under everything there is the ‘my life has no purpose’ feeling. I mean, I know that everything you do has the ability to make a change in the world that I may not know about.. I just don’t KNOW that what I’m doing is. Maybe I’ll never know but it would be nice if God tapped me on the shoulder and said “hey, that little girl helped when she tripped? Well she’s going to remember you and someday give her life to Christ because of the kindness you showed her.” Yeah, and that is a lame example but still, I wish I could KNOW I’ve made a difference! There I go again… getting depressed. L
Last Saturday we had the Beck’s over for dinner which was fun. I always have fun with Drew and the guys but I tried to hang out more with Felicia. After a while though I suggested to the guys (who were playing call of duty) that maybe we could play cards or something and we did, played Dutch blitz until it was time for them to leave. Katie and Felicia were partners, Drew and Nate and Vince and I. Vince and I won several rounds J Katie and Felicia really had no chance at winning so it was really Drew and Nate and Vince and I as the main competitors. As always with dutch blitz we were yelling at each other and making fun of each other and stuff which adds to the fun but later mom will tell Drew and I how we should act more mature and set better examples and not be so rowdy while dad will sit back sort of agreeing with her while we both know he’s just as competitive and would be doing the same thing as us :P
So twas a good weekend and Katie’s been pestering me to find lunch for a while now so I’m off J ~Thea
Later 10:03 PM
I probably shouldn’t be writing right now. I mean, this is probably an entry I’ll end up regretting but I’ve prayed and read the Bible and maybe writing it will at least get it out of my mind. I’ve known for a while now how much pressure Drew feels. We keep joking around and trying to be joyful; especially around Katie (She’s another story) but deep down he is really struggling. After he got home from work and we were picking on him for the morning he made us pancakes and mom reprimanded us and warned us not to cross the line from innocent joking to actually hurting his feelings. I don’t know what to do about it though. He’s just… so… guarded. He never opens up and shares how he feels. He’s struggling with balancing a job, working for church, stressing over mom, pleasing dad, keeping up a relationship with sisters and friends, and all at the same time as trying to figure out God’s plan for his life. It’s frustrating him and I see that but I don’t know how to approach the subject and DO anything so instead our relationship consists of joking around and silently knowing the other is struggling with many of the same things.
So about Katie, She’s still having a hard time with mom’s pregnancy. She wants so badly to be as excited as me but she still can’t stand to set herself up for such heart break. I keep talking to her about it but I don’t really think it’s going to change. What can I really say any ways? ‘hey, I just believe deep down that God’s gonna let mom carry this baby full term and that we’ll have it in out lives’ because really, just believing something isn’t what does it. It’s up to God and trust me just because I think it’s about time He let us truly have a baby to love and HOLD doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. I’ve known plenty of families who have gone through it and every time I’m like ‘Come on God, this time don’t let it end in hurt’ but time and time again it has. I don’t know.
It seems like I don’t know much anymore. ~Thea
a/n cont. ......so...... any imput and suggestion on how this could be improved?
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