A/N: I made a cover for this book because the other one didn't seem to fit it. Tell me if you like it :)
MONDAY
Last night was absolutely horrible. After running out of my house, I found myself at the same park Oliver and I had been to a few weeks prior.
I stayed there for a while, not doing anything, not even thinking.
When I got back to my house it was dark, and my phone said it was ten o'clock.
Vic wasn't there anymore, and I ignored my mother's voice asking where I'd been.
I went straight to my bedroom, and fell asleep.
Now it's 8:00 in the morning, and I'm sitting here on the edge of my bed unable to do anything other than think.
I am a fucked up mess.
I'm such an idiot, such a fool.
I'm a horrible person.
I fucking hate myself.
My eyes are slowly drawn to the top drawer of my nightstand.
I don't have to think twice before I'm up on my feet, tugging the drawer open and snatching the shiny metal blade out.
I don't hesitate, don't pause, don't even think twice.
Slash, slash.
I do it until the thoughts go away, but there's a problem this time.
The feelings, the thoughts, they don't go away. The pain doesn't replace them with it's usual blissfulness.
They're still there. My escape, it's not working.
I stop.
There's over a dozen cuts across my wrist, all the way up to my elbow.
The sight, all bloody, and torn, scars reopened repeatedly, unable to heal, brings tears to my eyes.
I stare at the mess that is myself, and I want to throw up.
Who am I?
What have I become?
I don't like this. I don't like this person who I've become.
I used to be so happy. I used to enjoy life and love everything about it.
Up until around the age of eleven.
Everything went to shit. I started cutting, and my once prominent smile turned into a permanent frown.
I lost everything I was.
Now there's no joy in anything. Now I can barely find a reason to breathe.
I'm not always sad.
Back when Vic and I were close, I was happy a lot.
And Oliver.
He makes me so happy. He makes me smile, and laugh, and I have fun, so much fun when I'm with him.
But he doesn't take the pain away. No one does, and no one can.
I've been taking Oliver's antidepressants for a little while now. I know they're not magic, that they don't work instantly, but I wish they could.
I attempted to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist but they couldn't get me in. Apparently, they're all booked up for about a month and a half.
I know I'll get in eventually.
But.
I'm scared.
I'm scared it won't work, that it won't help.
But I'm also scared it will.
I have so many feelings, so much anger, and hurt.
It's all I can focus on.
Negativity.
I'm such a failure.
My best friend is in love with me. Vic Fuentes. Is in love with me.
I should be ecstatic. I should be jumping for joy.
I've been in love with him since I was fourteen years old. For years, I've dreamed of what it would be like if he finally broke up with his girlfriend, and admitted his undying love for me.
It was always a dream, something that would never happen. It was something I liked to envision, to imagine, and hope for.
He'd kiss me, and everything would be right. I'd feel it, that spark, and he'd look into my eyes, and say it, say 'I'm in love with you, Kellin', and everything would be perfect.
My world of darkness and hurt, would become one of light, and all I would feel was his love for me.
I thought his love would be enough to fix me, fix everything.
It was such a beautiful dream, one I thought about often.
I never thought it would happen.
But now it has.
My best friend, the boy of my dreams (quite literally), is in love with me.
He kissed me last night, and it was nice. It was better than nice.
It was amazing.
But he's too late.
I love him, and maybe I'll always be a little in love with him.
After all, he's my first love.
But it's not what it should have been.
It shouldn't have been rainbows, and sunshine, and it wasn't.
I never expected it to be movie worthy, because life isn't a fairytale.
It actually met all the expectations I had.
But when his lips were on mine, it felt wrong.
It felt so wrong, and it shouldn't have.
But then I realized why it felt so bad, so horribly wrong.
Because when I was kissing him, I was thinking of hazel eyes, and a permanent smirk.
I was thinking of Oliver.
~
I bandage my cuts, and tug a hoodie on.
I get to school early, and grab my books.
I get to class before everyone else.
When I enter the Spanish classroom, it's empty except for the teacher.
I faintly think of how Vic moved his seat back to be next to me.
I'll have to sit by him. I don't want to answer all the questions he'll have about yesterday.
About the kiss, and me panicking and running away.
I don't know how to explain.
I gave him so much hope with that kiss, and I don't know if I have it in me to tear that all away.
It'll break his heart, I know that.
Sitting here in an empty classroom, I finally admit the truth to myself.
"I'm in love with Oliver." I whisper softly.
It feels weird to say.
Four months ago I didn't know anyone by the name Oliver. Four months ago, I was pining after my straight best friend.
Four months ago, I never would have pictured I'd be here.
But I am.
I love Oliver.
In such little time, he's become such a big part of my life.
Now, I can barely picture a life without him in it.
Is this how I am destined to live the rest of my life?
Loving someone who is incapable of loving me back?
I'm so selfish. For years, I've ached to have Vic feel what I felt for him. Now that he does, I don't want him anymore.
You're a fucking failure, my mind reminds me, you keep on hurting people and acting like you're the victim.
My head hurts. Aches. It's worse than a migraine.
I run my hands through my hair in frustration, resisting the urge to just pull it out.
I wish my brain had a off switch because I'm tired of thinking.
There's no escape.
I lay my head down on my desk, and close my eyes.
I take deep breaths, which start to calm me down.
I keep my head down, ignoring the sounds of my fellow classmates taking their seats and chatting animatedly.
I only lift my head when I feel the presence of someone beside me.
Vic.
He slides into the chair next to me, shooting a cautious glance at my face.
"Hi." He says awkwardly.
"Hey."
"What happened yesterday?" Vic asks, concern coating his words.
"I don't know." I admit. "I'm fucked up right now, Vic."
"Can you at least explain what made you run off like that?" Vic asks.
"Wait. Tell me what's going on. Don't you love Danielle?" I ask.
I've got so many unanswered questions.
"I do. I love her. At least, I think I do. But, Kellin, there's something about you. You know, I've been feeling this way about you for a long time, and I'm trying to finally come to terms with this because I've been in denial about it for a long time. Remember when I told you I was struggling about something? It was about my feelings for you.."
I had suspicions.
"You can't have us both," I remind him, and desperately hope he'll say he chooses her.
"Then I guess I have to make a decision. I love her. I also love you. But how do you feel?"
I'm secretly praying this is a fluke, that he's having an identity crisis and in the end it will end up to be nothing.
My head spins. Now, I can't do this, not right now. I can't tell him I'm in love with someone else. I can't break his heart when he's looking at me with such hope in his eyes.
No, I will do anything to avoid breaking someone's soul.
I glance behind me.
Oliver isn't here.
I'm glad. I don't want to look at him, to face him, because I'm afraid he'll be able to see the love in my eyes, the way I can't help but absolutely adore him.
At the same time, I'm disappointed he isn't here. I need to see his smile, his stupid smirk. I need his corny jokes to take my mind off everything.
I need a distraction.
Vic is still looking at me, I realize, waiting for an answer.
In a panic, I raise my hand.
"Yes, Kellin?" The teacher asks.
I don't know why I raised my hand. I stare at her, dumbstruck, before I snap out of it.
Escape. I need an escape from Vic and his prying eyes.
"Bathroom." I choke out. "I was wondering if I may go to the bathroom?"
"Unless it's an emergency, then no."
Fuck.
I put on my puppy dog eyes, and give her my best innocent face. "It's an emergency ma'am, may I please go?"
She gives me an annoyed look, but nods, and gestures for me to hurry.
I jump out of my seat, and speed walk out the door.
I go into the first bathroom I come across. I need to cool down, evaluate what I'll say if Vic tries to confront me again.
As soon as I enter the bathroom, I hear moans. This usually wouldn't phase me considering that bathrooms are the number one hook up spot.
Usually, I would just quietly back out, and use another restroom.
But then I hear something, other than the breathy moans, of course, that catches my attention.
"Oh, fuck, Oliver!" A girl's voice moans.
I freeze.
I feel a deep pang of something in my chest. I don't know what, but it feels an awful lot like what I feel whenever Vic kisses Danielle. Jealousy.
But fuck. This hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced before.
The pain is worse than that of the pain I feel when I carve hideous words into my body with the blade I hide in my closet.
The pain is worse than the moment I found out Vic was in a relationship, a serious one.
It's worse than the time I fell out of a tree at the age of six and broke my arm, my foot, and one of my ribs.
That's saying a lot.
I'm about to leave, to pity myself by hiding in a janitor's closet.
I'm about to cry, to leave and never come back.
But then I hear something else.
"Ugh fuck me!" The girl yelps.
That voice, I know it somehow. I've heard it before.
"Oh god," the girl says loudly.
And suddenly her face pops into my head, and I know who it is.
Red hair and pretty green eyes.
Dani. Danielle. As in my best friend's girlfriend.
I don't bother to sneak out of the bathroom, no, I shove it open and let it slam shut.
I don't want them to see it was me who was there, so I race down the hallways, trying not to drop my books at every turn.
I pull the door of the first Janitor's closet I see open, and lock myself inside.
It's dark. I can barely see a thing.
I fall down to the floor, not even bothering to flinch when I collide with the ground.
I pull my knees up to my chest, and rock back and forth, trying to calm myself down.
It's no use.
Stupid tears rise in my eyes and spill like miniature waterfalls.
I sob, and I know it sounds broken, I know this is different.
This isn't Vic.
This is Oliver, and I love him, and he's in that bathroom right now fucking my best friend's girlfriend, and I'm going to fucking throw up-
I do.
I gag, and next thing I know the apple and slice of toast I ate for breakfast are coming back up.
I throw up, and then I cry more.
I can't stop.
What's wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
He's a boy. He's a boy, he's just a boy. This isn't the end of the world, calm down, I tell myself.
It doesn't work.
He's not just some boy, Oliver, he's my hero. He saved my life and I'm so in love with him I can barely think straight. The thought of him with her, it kills me, I realize.
He's so much more than I ever thought he'd be.
The sounds of her moans, Danielle's, play on a loop in my mind.
I can't get the sounds she made out of my mind.
I don't know what to do. I made so many assumptions based on nothing. I assumed Oliver felt the way I did. I assumed wrong.
Then, a realization dawns on me.
That girl Oliver told me about with short black hair and blue green eyes.
The girl he's in love with, he told me about her, and the advice I gave him was to get over her.
It's my fault, it's all my fault.
If I'd never given him that stupid advice, he wouldn't be in the bathroom right now fucking my best friend's girlfriend and longtime enemy.
Tears roll down my cheeks.
I'm such a child. I'm so pathetic. Look at me, hiding in a Janitor's closet and crying my eyes out over a boy who's not interested in me.
So pathetic, but I can't stop.
This is all my fault. Why? Out of everyone in this school, why did it have to be Danielle?
She's always getting what I can't have.
Then, suddenly, my mind is made up.
I'm done being this foolish little boy crying over dumb things like his crush not reciprocating his feelings.
I can have what I want.
So why not take it?